To be disappointed and worried?

[Menora]

I am proud of my DD as she was one of the teenagers whose education suffered through the pandemic. She didn’t sit any GCSE’s and was given predicted grades. She started her final 2 years of education in her bedroom, not really learning properly. The last year of 6th form improved as no lockdown but the bad first year had taken its toll, the teachers were often AWOL. She was definitely depressed and disillusioned and I got her to speak to a GP and a counsellor (once). She got her A Levels which were ok, but chose to go do a level 3 course (continue free education until 19) at a college in a subject she liked instead of uni, apprenticeship or a job (she has a Saturday job).

She put off learning to drive and has had about 3 lessons and now can’t find an instructor. She won’t study her theory, she just keeps making excuses. We live rurally.

One week in to college she has decided to quit. She doesn’t like it there. It’s cost is about £300 so far which we will lose. I will also lose all my universal credit now

She has no proper job, no college, no driving licence, no experience, average A levels, no intention to go to uni and no idea what to do and seems to spend most of her time in bed where she is most content.

I am trying to motivate her, she says she’s not depressed. I’ve tried to get her to stay in college, I’ve looked for apprenticeships (none in her field of interest). She is 18 and I don’t know what to do! I can’t support her on fresh air

she says all the right things to me but doesn’t DO anything and just gets back into bed. I am actually worried about how much she is drifting and wasting opportunities. This is not a life to lead.

does anyone have advice?

ETA she doesn’t do drugs she never goes out

She is apathetic about life. Question is: How to motivate people to engage?

Could she apply for some type of entry level apprenticeship/job. Are there any companies hiring within a 5 mile radius?

You need to start charging rent and lodgings, in order to force her to get a job and get out of the house. If she gets a job, this might encourage her to think about self improvement/further study. It'll also force her to be up and out, work ready, and she might meet a few new friends.

@VatofTea

thank you, yes it’s apathy
she has a Saturday job and would have been sacked by now for her apathy and sloth like approach there if not for her colleagues actually like her (she’s very likeable). She wonders why she gets treated like a child when she still acts like one.

I am going to raise money with her but she will see this as me pressuring her to stay in college

I feel sorry for her, because the pandemic truly was shittest for kids. She sounds a bit depressed. Has she been to the GP?

If she resists this, then I think tough love is the way forward. Do you pay for her phone etc? Cancel it. Charge her food and lodgings as a PP said. She needs to understand that she's an adult and she either needs to get the help she needs and wise up.

I think she’s depressed but she says she isn’t. I think this is because she is able to compare how she felt 2 years ago and she is feeling better than that. She isn’t really able to see how she still is living in some of those depression comfort/safe zones. I cannot get her to a GP or do anything she’s 18.

I am trying to be supportive but also authoritative getting her to set goals. I want to scream at her and I also want to hug her. It is so shit. I do not want this for her 🙁

I think you need to get tough with her. I can understand wanting to be sympathetic but the reality is that her decisions are having a financial impact on the whole household.

She needs to go back to college or she needs to find full time work. You cannot and will not support her.

Think you'll have to be tough with her. I'd list how much she costs e.g mobile, food and bills. She has to either get a job and pay rent, or re-enroll back at college. Staying at home, lounging around isn't an option. If she refuses these options, I'd cancel her phone plan, and treats.

She says she is not depressed because she perhaps doesn't actually realise it. I didn't at 20. I realised there was something happening but I would not have said I was depressed but I was and much more besides! It is very difficult if she is unwilling to see a GP. My mother said to me I was behaving in a way that just wasn't me and perhaps I should see the doctor so I did.

At the end of the day you tell her she's an adult and she needs to take responsibility for her life. You will not support someone who isn't supporting themselves. She should look to move out. Then she'll realise she can't afford it on her Saturday job and mummy isn't going to drive her anymore.

She's making no effort to support herself so you have to force her. She can't lie there being a lazy child forever no matter how sad life is. She can get out into the real world and reap the benefits of quitting college.

I don’t know if I can keep pressing the issue of depression, she doesn’t want to address it. I sent her a link about mental health being circumstantial at times (your environment) and that it’s stigmatised as there being something ‘wrong’ with you, I think she already knows it’s more circumstances and no GP is going to be able to change those things. But they could help her change her approach. She is always drained and everything that’s too hard she gives up on. I don’t want to be another obstacle because that won’t help either of us.

Ive been clear what is expected now and I hope she can deliver something.. if she is going to just stay in bed I am going to give her one week to sort herself out then get tougher? Is that reasonable?

She needs to sign on. The jobcentre will find something for her

My DS is the same age and about to start Uni. I was actually very keen for him to take a year out as I am still not entirely convinced he his motivated enough to get organized and make the most out of Uni, though he has improved in the last year. On that year out, I wanted him to get out, travel, have some fun, and work out for himself what he really wanted to do.

It sounds as if everything you are trying to get her to do at the moment just feels like a chore for her. She doesn't have to take the next steps on a career ladder yet, or know where she is heading. What would she like to do now? Where would she like to travel to? What cities would she like to visit? Hopefully there is something that sounds exciting and then you can help her work out how to make it happen. Ideally she would move to the city and find work there (but leaving the EU didn't help) but alternatively she finds a job, any job that pays, and saves up.

She needs to find something she wants to do, but it doesn't have to be a long term plan. She needs to find some fun. And find a way to pay for it herself. She's got time to be responsible and sensible. Don't be too hard on her.

Also, she's only just quit. She can't be feeling too good right now. Give her a bit of time to work things out.

So sorry to hear this OP - there’s never a straightforward solution to these situations ❤️ I agree with PP that I think you could approach it with your daughter by reassuring her first of all that you love her and support her, and always will, and you’d like to help her think about what she wants to do next, but you’ll need her to take responsibility for this too ie. will need to start a course/find a job etc.

You sound like a fantastic mum who’s really trying everything to help your daughter out, and I’m sure this will come through when you talk through it with your daughter. It sounds like perhaps some tough love is needed here, which I know is never easy, but we’ve got your back ❤️

Have you got anyone who can support you and who you can offload to/ask for advice whilst you support your DD?

@Menora it's worth a doctors visit, my son was diagnosed with a vitamin d deficiency which s really common in teenagers and with some high dose vitamin d felt a lot better.

Does she have any dreams or aspirations long term that you can work back with her to show the things she needs to do to enable her to reach them? My DS really wants to spend time in Japan and working back from this has enabled him to focus on what he needs to do to make that a more achievable target. It's amazing what they will do when it gets them somewhere they want

I would sit with her and make her apply for UC, she will then get the support from someone at the job centre to find the right work and she can start paying towards her keep. Let someone else do the pushing!

She's unemployed/ underemployed so needs to claim support and financially support herself

Why did she want to be when she grew up as a child?

She needs purpose.

She should at least do some volunteer work.

Is there anything creative she's interested in?

She also needs to exercise and get outside every day.

One week at college & she quit, why ?
Send her back to speak to her tutors
Surely the college must have a pastoral care team too

I would sit her down & have an adult conversation
College
FT work
Or apply for benefits
Tell her that if she is not in college, that the household will loose income

She is speaking to college today, was the first thing I advised her to do.

she wants to quit because she has realised it’s too low level and won’t get get anywhere in a career. She’s 18 and just sat A Levels and is now with a bunch of 16yo’s who just took GCSE’s. She is finding it slow and not very good although she loves the topic, she hates the college experience. I took her to this college 5 times in advance and walked through this exact scenario and gave her lots of chances to back out. They also told her to go to the uni side on enrolment day and she had 6 weeks to swap and change to anything she wants to.

She would like to think about uni but not driving then puts her off doing that. She is a self fulfilling prophecy right now. She’s now thinking about a mix of volunteering, work and some kind of self study. I cannot find an apprenticeship even in a 30 mile radius that would work for her. The uni and college is a complicated long bus journey every day

It’s outing what she wants to do, but think something that is fundamentally usually underpaid and a lot of hard work, usually charitable/voluntary unless you get a degree to become some kind of specialist

I also bought her vitamin D - she never takes them

Is she not learning to drive because then she knows it will provide more opportunities and so she sees driving as adding pressure?
If she's messed up going to college this year then she simply needs to get a job until she can enrol again.

She is able to lie in bed because she has the opportunity to do so. If she had no choice she would find the motivation. Start charging her rent and for anything other than basics. The pandemic can't be used as an excuse for much longer. Many people have had to get back to reality and life has moved on. It sounds like she relies on you too much and she knows that. Time to get tough otherwise she'll be in the same position a year from now while everyone else will have achieved and moving along.

She lies in bed because this is like a depression comfort zone. She feels relaxed and no pressure. I would find it boring for so long but she finds it warm and safe and an escape. She even put on an extra thick fluffy duvet in hot summer. It isn’t healthy to live this way

I would tell her that it's ok if she doesn't want to go to college, but that she has to get a job. Can she increase her hours in her Saturday job?

If she isn't sure what she wants to do a year working might help her focus - or at least realise what she doesn't want to do. She can reapply next year.

To add - I agree you can't push the mental health issue if she won't address it.

I think you can still be supportive to her while having clear expectations about her needing to work/contribute to household costs.

Guess what she hates her Saturday job as well! no way will she work there more

She does get up and go though but I think this is boy related more than anything else

she’s very good with money, she knows about money and knows she will need to pay rent.

she is having a life crisis it seems about the future instead of the now