To be disappointed and worried?

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I am proud of my DD as she was one of the teenagers whose education suffered through the pandemic. She didn’t sit any GCSE’s and was given predicted grades. She started her final 2 years of education in her bedroom, not really learning properly. The last year of 6th form improved as no lockdown but the bad first year had taken its toll, the teachers were often AWOL. She was definitely depressed and disillusioned and I got her to speak to a GP and a counsellor (once). She got her A Levels which were ok, but chose to go do a level 3 course (continue free education until 19) at a college in a subject she liked instead of uni, apprenticeship or a job (she has a Saturday job).

She put off learning to drive and has had about 3 lessons and now can’t find an instructor. She won’t study her theory, she just keeps making excuses. We live rurally.

One week in to college she has decided to quit. She doesn’t like it there. It’s cost is about £300 so far which we will lose. I will also lose all my universal credit now

She has no proper job, no college, no driving licence, no experience, average A levels, no intention to go to uni and no idea what to do and seems to spend most of her time in bed where she is most content.

I am trying to motivate her, she says she’s not depressed. I’ve tried to get her to stay in college, I’ve looked for apprenticeships (none in her field of interest). She is 18 and I don’t know what to do! I can’t support her on fresh air

she says all the right things to me but doesn’t DO anything and just gets back into bed. I am actually worried about how much she is drifting and wasting opportunities. This is not a life to lead.

does anyone have advice?

ETA she doesn’t do drugs she never goes out

I don't have answers - and can only suggest keep talking.

I'm not quite sure why she need to drive for the uni side - is this university side of college - are there no buses - OU expensive but maybe an option.

I do have similar concerns with DD17 - were in a better place no mental health issue but a lack of drive ambition is worrying me and there's a lack of ownership of her future plans - she just going along with one of our suggestions but doesn't want to research it or alternatives.

She had 3 month summer - was supposed to be looking for a job or some volunteering experience - she manged neither. We're not convinced she's putting enough effort in anywhere - and she doesn't seem to understand it's not guaranteed progression.

I've started floating idea that it's study or working under our roof - but whether we could actually kick her out or enforce that - especially as I suspect MIL would step in make it all worse and then make it our issue again.

She seem to have regressed in maturity - her friendship group also seems to have moved on - any careers advice from outside seems hard to impossible to find it all web-based quizzes.

So keep talking - clear expectations - but it's sounds a very hard place to be.

I think it's very positive that she still loves the topic she chose to study but found it too low level and slow. Would she have the A level grades to study the subject at University level? If so, I don't really understand what is stopping her taking the Uni option now. Why does she need to drive? Or, can she apply for courses next year, looking at a wider ranage of Unis? Then once that application is in she can spend this year having a bit of fun and earning a bit of money.

College or work. Not part time work, not voluntary work. Job centre and work for a year then she can decide while she's working if she wants to go back into education next year.

@mast0650
i cannot really get her to articulate WHAT it exactly is therefore its hard to address
she has an excuse for everything! Once she had to go back to school after COVID lockdown she went from a child who loved school never missed a day to hating being there every day and losing all her ambitions. She's really creative - didn’t get a great grade in that A level either..

she needs level 3 for a uni course or a science a level and she has neither. I suspect they may still take her but she’s still not sure uni is for her I even offered to pay for an A level in the science via online learning… she said it was ‘probably too hard’ 😑

@sóh₂wl̥
i totally get this. It’s where dd is. Exact same.
her friends are all leaving her behind 🙁

i found her an instructor she has something booked now but she won’t be able to afford it with no income and still hasn’t even looked at the theory despite regular reminders

She’s not out having fun either, she doesn’t really go out

I also just wanted to say, that I seem to have heard of a lot of teens/young adults finding it very hard to motivate themselves and move forward at the moment. I don't know if it is worse post-pandemic, or for other reasons. or if I just know of more as I have kids the same age. I'm not sure if that makes it any easier to deal with. But I really don't think it is as easy as just "getting tough" and withdrawing support.

Having seen this happen before my eyes I agree and it is the pandemic. She is not the same person she once was. I get scared for her. My other DD just got on with it, DD2 seems to be stuck

If she has a weekend job, why doesn't she plan a year abroad traveling and working?

It'd be a great experience to meet new people and experience the world as an adult outside a rural area.

She doesn’t want to. She did get a passport but then went on a trip to London for 3 days which she found really stressful and didn’t go out at night. She likes to be at home wearing PJ’s covered in cats. She’s been on one night out since turning 18, to a pub, then never went again!

Urgh, I feel like I am making things worse
I offered to get her to see this really good therapist I know, to help her out making life decisions, not to talk about her deepest darkest feelings

she got all defensive and angry
I said she needed to find her identity/enjoyment/excitement in life of even the small things but she claims she has all of this - yet can’t give any examples of them. She has no real identity, no vision of anything but claims she’s totally fine and has all these things all the time, I just never hear her say them

I’ve come home she’s in PJ’s has done nothing in the house all day, didn’t walk the dog, is in a mood she has no plans

Hi OP, if it's financially possible, please leave her be for a bit. Until things line up for her (and they most likely will) it is really daunting. I went through an aimless phase at that age and my mum relentlessly being in my ears did not help or solve anything, so please ease off a bit, if you can.
She just needs to know there is value in everything. Her job will look good on her CV. A qualification in something she is interested in (even if she doesn't want to work in the field) might open a door to something else. I did my whole degree in something I very quickly realised I would never want to work in. It was still very useful.
If you need financial contribution then tell her that but please leave it to her to make it happen.
I would tell her how much you need and from which month onwards and then leave her to it. No asking how the job hunt is going or if she has any interviews lined up or whether she wants any help with her CV. I know it's just meant to be caring and helpful but it's suffocating and panic inducing when you aren't sure you will ever manage to get your life in order.

I agree with honeybee. She's probably feeling like she has failed at the moment and too much pressure could be counterproductive. I think the main thing is to let her know that she is valued no matter what, and that lots of people take some time to find their way, with a few dead ends and detours.

I would however suggest she talks to her current college/tutor and get some feedback from them about possible next steps. It might be that they can persuade her that things will get better if she stays, or find a way to make it work better for her.

If she isn't in education you need to start charging board so she needs to work.

It might be linked to mood, but routine and structure can help with this.

She needs to get a job. Any job. Working in McDonald’s cleaning the tables just to get her out of bed and doing something and earning some money. There are actually lots of jobs going at the moment. Explain to her that it’s just a temporary thing to get her going and that she will be a lot happier when she goes out and achieves something. This sounds hard but it really is the best thing for her. One of mine was wasting their time but when they went out got a job they were transformed. It was a rubbish job but it led to far better things later on.

She needs to get a job. Any job. Working in McDonald’s cleaning the tables just to get her out of bed and doing something and earning some money. There are actually lots of jobs going at the moment. Explain to her that it’s just a temporary thing to get her going and that she will be a lot happier when she goes out and achieves something. This sounds hard but it really is the best thing for her. One of mine was wasting their time but when they went out got a job they were transformed. It was a rubbish job but it led to far better things later on. For a kid who isn’t motivated education is a nonstarter. Work is the thing that is needed

In my day if the first lot of A Levels didn't quite go to plan you had a chance to do a years intensive A Levels in different subjects. Look into that and check out if its not too late to start one of those. She will be be with people her own age and at a suitable level.

I think you need to be firm with her and direct her back to her studies. She absolutely cannot go on like this with no plans at all.

You've said it yourself, PJs all day and not even walking the dog?
Winter soon and this will get a lot worse.

Make the appointments required as soon as you can before its too late for this academic year. Don't leave it to her, do it yourself.

She’s absolutely adamant that she is not depressed nothing is wrong, I am hassling her and causing more stress and it’s all fine. I have had every single conversation suggested in this thread over the last few days about money, education and real life. She will not stay in education. She says she has a plan but doesn’t seem to have any energy to enact any plan

I am WFH today. She is currently lying in bed with PJ’s on, no duvet cover on her bed, pile of laundry so big I can’t open the door, she’s allegedly job hunting on her laptop on Indeed. I have been in to say get up, get dressed - she tidied up her room up but she looks like shit, she’s got a cough, I had to wake her up at 8.30, she’s not eaten proper food (and neither am I making any). Is this just a phase or is this it now? I am stuck with this grumpy moody 18 year old child? I am starting to not like her very much sometimes and this is awful as we have always had such a nice relationship. It’s like I don’t know her anymore. I said this to her, we are falling out as you are so disconnected - you don’t care about anything and it’s one sided from me, so of course it’s stressful having a conversation