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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my DM being unreasonable

34 replies

Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 00:33

So my DM has looked after my DC since they were small, they love her she loves them. I’ve paid her like a childminder but she’s been wonderful with them and they love her in return. To put in context, weekends, trips to Disney, London christmases etc all together

DD had had confirmation last year. Other granny is quite religious and kids were asked to pick a sponsor for confirmation . In school they stress the whole religious thing and DD takes this to heart and picks her other granny as sponsor. Other granny is v nice but not nearly so involved in DC Iives but they love her nonetheless

My DM was very hurt by this and is still smarting. At the time I didn’t see the harm. DD was choosing a
sponsor based on faith and it’s not really a big thing.

DM is still talking about how hurt she was. AIBU to have had enough of DM ranting on about this. Is it really so hurtful. Have I misread the whole thing - I don’t even remember who my sponsor was

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/09/2022 00:39

Pretty sure the person has to be baptised and confirmed themselves, and in the preparation lessons they were probably ‘guided’ by a priest/teacher/helper to choose someone who would be most appropriate for the role, so the decision might have been made on logic not feelings. Maybe remind your mum that this was a Holy Sacrament not a popularity contest.

Original poster
Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 00:42

@PeekabooAtTheZoo Both granny’s met the criteria and with the logic of choosing based on devotion, MIL makes sense but DM is insistent that it’s a popularity contest and she is irredeemably hurt

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 00:48

Your mother is being horrible. Shockingly self-centered and self-absorbed. Remind her that she's not your child's only grandmother. I think the childcare needs to end.

5zeds · 14/09/2022 00:48

It’s the child’s confirmation and your mother needs to think about why she is trying to make it all about her. Shocking behaviour! Suggest she speaks to her priest about it.

Original poster
Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 00:49

I should add that my DD made the decision totally on logic. I knew DM might be upset but didn’t want to push DD to make a decision based on someone else’s feelings

OP posts:
5zeds · 14/09/2022 00:51

Honestly she’s demonstrating why dd has made a good choice. I’m sorry she’s hurt but genuinely can’t believe she’s even voice it.

Original poster
Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 00:53

@Aquamarine1029 The childcare has ended sort of naturally. Covid and working from home sort of finished it. I honestly can’t believe how she’s behaving…. ‘Nobody can believe you did this to me’ ‘ I feel relegated’ … ‘Your bothers are disgusted (they’re not I’m guessing)

DM and played up on the day but Obviously DD has no idea DM feels like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 00:58

@5zeds I’m also sorry she’s hurt but am kind of sick of everything having to cater for her feelings.

I felt strongly that my DD should make the choice based on what she believes was right rather than someone else’s feelings.

Yes my DM has cared for my DD more than anyone else (bar her parents) but that wasn’t what my DD was basing her decision on.

Maybe I should have steered her more towards who cared for her / who she ‘owes’ but I really thought she should make her own decision.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 01:04

Maybe I should have steered her more towards who cared for her / who she ‘owes’ but I really thought she should make her own decision.

No, you absolutely should not have steered her anywhere. Your daughter is her own person, and your mother is an emotional terrorist. Don't ever pander to this.

Original poster
Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 01:15

Unfortunately @Aquamarine1029 I have always pandered but have taken a stand with my child and now this happens.

to put in context this is the same child that, for 6 months during covid (bubble) stayed one night per week in my DMs as she didn’t want granny to be lonely . My DM isn’t an afterthought but the more difficult she gets the more I see my kids run a mile. This saddens me as I know DM loves them but it’s just not a healthy approach

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 14/09/2022 01:26

I'm a doting Granny, who cares for my Grandson several days a week (and left my job to care for him..for context) and your DM is being utterly unreasonable!

While I'm an atheist (and strongly suspect my grandson will be too..we are a humanist family) your child has made her choice...correctly it seems, based on the person who will support her religious growth best. .. End of. It's not a bloody polularity contest!

(also for context when my youngest son decided he wanted to attend church, I took him every sunday, because I strongly believe everyone...even, and especially children ..should have the right to make up their own minds)

I freely admit, I love being my grandson's carer and one of his special people, but if his other grandparents were chosen for a particular role, I'd smile and suck it up, because that is the only thing to do!

She's being unreasonable. I kind of understand it, but it doesn't mean you should pander to it! I suspect my DD2 would pull me up sharpish if I pulled that sort of crap!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 14/09/2022 01:59

Your mother needs to realize your dc are free to make their own choices.

Original poster
Eastereasy · 14/09/2022 06:59

DM Is wonderful in so many ways but easily offended and her feelings always have primacy. In retrospect the kinder thing to do for my DM would have been to insist she chose an aunt/uncle but I thought she should be allowed make her choice and I wanted to break the cycle of constant pandering . In doing this I’ve really hurt my DM which I regret , and she doesn’t get over things - it’s a year later

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 14/09/2022 07:08

Does your mum go to church and pray regularly and read the bible? Need a sponsor who is going to do these things. Your dd was right and you need to tell your mum to give over.

Cognacsoft · 14/09/2022 07:17

@Eastereasy you haven't hurt your dm, she's chosen to be hurt and she's nursing the hurt in an unhealthy way.
I would tell her that as she helped to raise your dd she should be proud that her dgd has included her other dgm in such a lovely way as it must have been hard for mil not to have the same close relationship as your dm does with dgc.

Jammydodgerlove · 14/09/2022 07:17

No DM doesn’t do any of those things. MIL does though. It did seem on the day that kids just chose whoever they wanted not based on anything religious. I felt my DD was trying to do the right thing.
Agree DM needs to get over it but she’s not and I’m having
‘is she a cold child’ , ‘you didn’t care about my feelings ‘ thrown at me.

nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 07:19

Id be tempted to tell her the ceremony wasn't one of those ones done just for show and DD chose who would be best logically to help her with her spiritual journey in that specific religion. As DD's "fun" grandma who does all those trips etc her role is more of a rounded guidance rather than religion specific. And you want to hear no more about it as its upsetting to DD.

Jammydodgerlove · 14/09/2022 07:19

@Cognacsoft I did make that point - nothing can diminish the close bond DM and DD have but apparently my DD doing this and me ‘allowing ‘ it has irrevocably hurt my DM.

Jammydodgerlove · 14/09/2022 07:26

@StillMedusa Thank you for your perspective. I can also understand why she’s hurt (and I hate having done something that hurts my mother) but I wish she could just not make such a deal of it ‘everyone felt sorry for me…’ etc

nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 07:29

Jammydodgerlove · 14/09/2022 07:26

@StillMedusa Thank you for your perspective. I can also understand why she’s hurt (and I hate having done something that hurts my mother) but I wish she could just not make such a deal of it ‘everyone felt sorry for me…’ etc

Just so I'm clear - she's still saying stuff like this even though it was last year?!

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/09/2022 07:32

Agree with previous poster. Twist it. "Dd felt sad for other granny cos she sees you more/is closer to you and felt sorry for her" "dd didn't want fun-granny time spoilt so choose not-fun granny". Etc etc. A bit of manipulative emotional pandering works wonders with emotional manipulators. Your mother is an expert, learn from her.

5zeds · 14/09/2022 07:35

Honestly talk to your priest about it and tell her you have. Your dd made the correct choice because it’s patently obvious that someone who thinks this is a prize for being “the favourite” ISN’T well placed to provide guidance.

Comtesse · 14/09/2022 07:35

So she is still grumbling about this a year later?? That is over the top. I guess a bit of a moan at the time might be understandable but still going on about it after 12 months is ridiculous.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 14/09/2022 07:36

I could imagine my mum doing something like this. The trouble is she is more likely to drive her gc away.

The best thing to do would be to talk to her and explain how unreasonable she is being but I know that’s easier said than done.

Jammydodgerlove · 14/09/2022 07:36

@nachoavocado Unfortunately yes, she’s got form
though. Still complaining about how brothers wedding speech didn’t mention her enough 7 years later