Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest opinions - am I expecting too much from best friend during tough time?

56 replies

MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:16

I’ve been hurting over a situation between myself and a best friend

We were pregnant at the same time and I lost my pregnancy whilst her pregnancy continued. Our due dates weren’t far off. It’s been the hardest time of my life and for obvious reasons I have been a bit distant with her and with everyone if I’m honest. I’m now pregnant again and hoping this time we have a healthy baby.

I can’t stop being upset about the lack of support I’ve had from her. We do not speak as much as we used too but when we do it’s because I’ve asked her how she is. She never asks me if I’m OK. She never reaches out to me to ask how I’m doing. I texted her a few days ago asking how she is getting on and she hasn’t replied yet.

We all have our own lives haven’t we - we can’t text day in day out or put others first always and of course I understand how awkward she must feel being pregnant whilst I’m grieving my loss (our due dates are next month) but she’s literally hardly been there for me since my loss and I feel a bit confused and hurt

So am I being unreasonable to ask her why she’s not asked me how I’m doing or avoiding asking me or shall I just let it go?

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 13/09/2022 22:20

Do you think she is worried about upsetting you ?

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:21

Also will just add were both 29 and this is her first baby / would of been my first baby.

I’m not expecting texts every week but every couple of months or just to at least ask the question back to me when I text asking how she is

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 13/09/2022 22:22

You said yourself you've been distant she's likely giving you space or maybe has her own worries or concerns.

DuvetHugger · 13/09/2022 22:23

My guess is that yes she does feel uncomfortable or awkward, however that's not really an excuse not to send a few texts

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:23

@Starlightstarbright1 Yes part of me thinks it could be this. She asks our other friends how I’m doing. I just wish she asked how I was when I ask her. Or at least said to me “I want to make sure you’re ok but don’t want to upset you”

I’ve communicated my feelings with her from the start and have always been honest so just wish she would explain why she’s not asked me how I am xx

OP posts:
escapingthecity · 13/09/2022 22:23

Perhaps she's finding motherhood very hard and doesn't want to upset you by sharing this? Are you sure she's doing OK?

Hairday · 13/09/2022 22:23

Really difficult because she probably feels scared and terrible at 8 months with all the aches and pains, but can hardly complain about any of it to you. She's also probably fussing about setting up the nursery, but again, can hardly talk about all that.

I'm really sorry about what you went through. Give it time, I think.

carefullycourageous · 13/09/2022 22:24

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers and hope all goes well with this pregnancy.

It could be a range of things - e.g. if she is finding the pregnancy hard, but doesn't know what to say to you because of course she can hardly moan to you about that, because that would be insensitive? But also on the more negative side, some people cannot be around people who are sad, it might not be something she can deal with.

Do you want to clear the air with her, is she a friend you can talk about difficulties with?

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:26

I do 100% understand the comments about how hard it is for her at 8 months pregnant. I’m sure it’s a scary daunting time for any woman and she must have a lot to do. I do understand that.

I just think I’m the one that’s lost my pregnancy whilst her’s continued and I have been strong enough to ask how her baby is getting on whilst grieving. She has obviously had the better side, her baby is healthy whilst mine unfortunately wasn’t. I guess I just expected her to ask how I was not the other way round all the time

OP posts:
Hairday · 13/09/2022 22:30

It's reasonable to expect that. You do deserve that. I suppose the thing is that hormones kick in and a lot of mothers do kind of go a bit nuts, especially the first time. Cry at the puppy on a box of tissues and so on. Hard to say what her state of mind is without knowing her.

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:30

carefullycourageous · 13/09/2022 22:24

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers and hope all goes well with this pregnancy.

It could be a range of things - e.g. if she is finding the pregnancy hard, but doesn't know what to say to you because of course she can hardly moan to you about that, because that would be insensitive? But also on the more negative side, some people cannot be around people who are sad, it might not be something she can deal with.

Do you want to clear the air with her, is she a friend you can talk about difficulties with?

@carefullycourageous thank you xx

Yes we have been friends since 11 years old so I definitely feel like I want to talk to her but like others have said maybe she’s struggling at 8 months. Although this has been going on for months now. Maybe you are right that some people find others grief or sad times too hard to deal with themselves. I know everyone is different and maybe it is just best to have a chat with her in person at some point x

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 13/09/2022 22:31

It’s very sad that she has left you feeling ignored on top of your loss. PP have posted possible explanations, but I think it’s just crap. A text or card every few weeks is not much of a commitment. Flowers

carefullycourageous · 13/09/2022 22:32

MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:26

I do 100% understand the comments about how hard it is for her at 8 months pregnant. I’m sure it’s a scary daunting time for any woman and she must have a lot to do. I do understand that.

I just think I’m the one that’s lost my pregnancy whilst her’s continued and I have been strong enough to ask how her baby is getting on whilst grieving. She has obviously had the better side, her baby is healthy whilst mine unfortunately wasn’t. I guess I just expected her to ask how I was not the other way round all the time

While it is not ideal or right, I think this post may illustrate the issue. How can she talk to you about any problem when you feel she has had the better side?

She absolutely has had the better side. But that is no one's fault, no one's choice.

It is so awful that the two of you have had this schism, but sometimes it can be hard to keep things the same when life makes cruel choices.

Howardsbend · 13/09/2022 22:32

She's probably very preoccupied with what she's going through. I would give her time.

Cookiedough123 · 13/09/2022 22:32

So sorry to hear about your loss. I am due next month and not sure what I would do in this situation. I would be very sad for my friend but I would probably go with whatever you said/did. If you wasn't in touch much I would probably let you get in touch first as I wouldnt want to be pushy. Although then as I type that I also feel that if it had been a while since our last contact I would check in. I know personally I'm a bit all over the place, I've had a bad pregnancy and feeling fed up but feel so bad saying this and complaining out loud. Thinking of you!

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:32

@Hairday thank you. We are just always there for each other during tough times but she’s completely made me feel like I haven’t had a loss or going through a bad time. It is probably because she feels uncomfortable but I always say to people surely it is more uncomfortable for me to ask how she’s doing knowing my baby is cremated and hers is healthy (thankfully) xx

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/09/2022 22:33

I think she's acting very badly. You must be in terrible pain, you poor thing. I'm so sorry you lost your baby. If she can't even text you to ask how you are, then she isn't a friend to you. I wish one of her friends would answer "you would know how she was if you phoned her. You know that she's been very upset and you've just ignored her and hurt her further."

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:33

@carefullycourageous She doesn’t know I feel that way

none of this is her or my fault, I loved seeing her scan baby announcement and knowing she’ll be a fantastic mum. She’s spoken about this since school so I’m happy for her

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2022 22:34

I’m so sorry you lost your baby and wish you a healthy uneventful pregnancy.

I wonder if she thinks she’s the last person you need checking on you as her pregnancy is a reminder of what you’ve lost and she replies when you contact her but doesn’t want to initiate anything as you could be having an okay day and hearing from her makes you feel crap.

Pregnancy can be such a vulnerable time, as you know as well as anyone. Her continuing pregnancy must have been a painful contrast to your experience and your loss must have upset and worried her too, maybe she finds it too sad to really think about, she’ll have had her own anxieties about losing her baby as most of us do.

Try not to resent her. Neither of you can really empathise with the other right now because of what’s happened which is so difficult. I hope you can both find a way through.

carefullycourageous · 13/09/2022 22:34

MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:33

@carefullycourageous She doesn’t know I feel that way

none of this is her or my fault, I loved seeing her scan baby announcement and knowing she’ll be a fantastic mum. She’s spoken about this since school so I’m happy for her

I think if she has any empathy she can imagine how you feel.

I will be honest your story made me tear up a bit, and you are only text on a screen to me!

Heyisforhorses · 13/09/2022 22:35

I've been in a similar position and it's guilt as well, you, as the pregnant person, are very aware that things have changed for everyone. You know that your friend is watching you and thinking of their own what could have beens. I'm not excusing her especially when you are contacting her but it could be something she is feeling. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you all the very best with this pregnancy x.

Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:35

@OnTheBrinkOfChange thank you xx I know she has her own life and of course her first baby is a huge thing and pregnancy is HARD on woman 1000% of course she has a right to take time and put herself first but very uncomfortable when I ask how she’s doing and she never asks me the same back or ignores my texts

OP posts:
Original poster
MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:37

@Heyisforhorses thank you so much for this perspective too xx I can imagine she feels guilty (even though she has no reason to be!) it must be hard she probably knows her milestones would of been mine too xx

OP posts:
AtLeastPretendToCare · 13/09/2022 22:40

I’m afraid some people treat baby loss as though it was contagious. Which absolutely sucks.

Forgotthebins · 13/09/2022 22:51

It does sound as though on some level you are still very angry with her because her pregnancy carried on (even if you know rationally that it wasn’t her fault). I suggest that because you are dwelling on this difficult friendship situation and your past loss instead of your new pregnancy here, which maybe an indication that you still feel traumatised and need someone to blame while you are still waiting to find out if this pregnancy will lead to a healthy baby. Have you sought counselling for your loss? In your friend’s position I would find it hard to know what to say when I knew that my pregnancy triggered such grief and angry thoughts in someone else. In time perhaps you can both relate to each other again but for now maybe the tragedy that you suffered and she did not just puts you on different paths. Try to focus on your new pregnancy and other friends and interests. All the best for the new pregnancy, I hope it brings you a happy new path in life.