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Honest opinions - am I expecting too much from best friend during tough time?

56 replies

MRSE20 · 13/09/2022 22:16

I’ve been hurting over a situation between myself and a best friend

We were pregnant at the same time and I lost my pregnancy whilst her pregnancy continued. Our due dates weren’t far off. It’s been the hardest time of my life and for obvious reasons I have been a bit distant with her and with everyone if I’m honest. I’m now pregnant again and hoping this time we have a healthy baby.

I can’t stop being upset about the lack of support I’ve had from her. We do not speak as much as we used too but when we do it’s because I’ve asked her how she is. She never asks me if I’m OK. She never reaches out to me to ask how I’m doing. I texted her a few days ago asking how she is getting on and she hasn’t replied yet.

We all have our own lives haven’t we - we can’t text day in day out or put others first always and of course I understand how awkward she must feel being pregnant whilst I’m grieving my loss (our due dates are next month) but she’s literally hardly been there for me since my loss and I feel a bit confused and hurt

So am I being unreasonable to ask her why she’s not asked me how I’m doing or avoiding asking me or shall I just let it go?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 14/09/2022 07:39

You have obviously been hurt but are looking at things totally from your own perspective. She is most likely giving you space, if she is asking friends about you I leave it at that. She's 8 months pregnant whilst you think it must be difficult you haven't experienced it (yet) and it's tough for many and really varies from one pregnancy to the next. She might well have had conplications, there might have been concerns and yet she wouldn't have been able to share them with you because you think she is already better off than you. She may have felt that she couldn't celebrate certain milestones because of the upset it would cause you. Remember that it is her first pregnancy too, she hasn't been through it before and it's all new so it does take time to adjust.

I'd stop focusing on her behaviour and concentrate on your own pregnancy. You can then decide whether you want to proceed with the friendship and if it comes to the end, appreciate that is ok.

Beseen22 · 14/09/2022 08:00

My best friend and I are in this situation rn. We were due 2 months apart but sadly I have just lost mine at 11 weeks. I guess the only difference is that I already have kids and she doesn't.

I found her the hardest one to tell, I really wanted to have our little ones together. It was her I wanted to tell first I was pregnant. I was tempted just to not tell her at all about the whole thing so it wasn't awkward between us. I really want to be happy for her and celebrate her pregnancy but I just can't right now. Hopefully closer to the date I will. My best friend can't win in this situation really, she feels awful and if she talks loads about her pregnancy I'll be sad but if she doesn't mention it I'll think she's distant. We are just kind of faking it until we make it just now. But she is my favourite person and she waited a long time for her precious first baby so she deserves to be excited about it.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 14/09/2022 08:01

I'm sorry for your loss

I was in your friends position. My best friend & I got pregnant at the same time but she sadly lost her pregnancy while my continued. She explained she needed some space and wouldn't be able to be there for me the way she would have wanted.

I completely understood and we agreed she would initiate all communication, which became very rare and 'about the weather' as she didn't want to discuss my pregnancy - all fine.

In the meantime, my friendship with other friends became stronger as my pregnancy wasn't straight forward and I needed some support. Not wanting to bother my beat friend I went to others.

My best friend got pregnant again when my baby was 3 months old, and made it clear she wanted to 'share the journey' with me and expected our friendship to pick up where it had left off, which was a pretty 24/7 friendship.

She was disappointed, hurt and angry that it wasn't so simple. She couldn't understand that I had other friendships now which were of equal importance to me and I couldn't be there for her all the time. She expected me to prioritize her over those who had been there for me when she wasn't, and I couldn't do that.

Our friendship has sadly waned.

Anyway, sorry for the long story, I just wanted to show the other side a bit that when you are (understandably) distant with someone, it's not always easy to jump back in when you're ready. Please don't wait til she and her baby are settled to confront her, I think it's best to let it go, and work to slowly re-build the friendship into something new. Confronting her won't work if you're the one who was being distant when she may have needed you.

Hope this has helped a bit, all the best with your pregnancy.

Ariela · 14/09/2022 08:16

I think she's feeling guilty that her baby survived. She's clearly thinking of you because she's asking your mutual friends, and I'm pretty sure she's avoiding you because she simply doesn't want to put her foot in it.
I'd suggest you let her know by telling your mutual friends when you ask how she is that you miss her massively and that she needn't feel awkward, you would love her to ring and chat when she feels ready, and that you'll understand she won't want to talk about baby loss, but that you want to share your new pregnancy news and you want to hear about new baby of hers when it arrives.

Aubriella · 14/09/2022 08:43

Sounds like you have a good approach to deal with this, OP. I hope things get better.

However, please remember not to give more of yourself than she is willing to give. Sometimes friendships can drift, and I would just be mindful that you’re not the one running after her all the time.

I wouldn’t tell her about your pregnancy (whenever you’re ready to) until she asks how you are.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2022 09:16

It's impossible to know. She could be uncomfortable about her good luck and the comparison with your situation. She might feel guilty. She may well have had a difficult pregnancy/birth/early experience with a baby. All of these are potentially mitigating circumstances but I can understand you feeling abandoned and it must have been hard for you.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from friendships because they are temporarily not serving us well. For whatever reason, this friend is not currently able to provide you with the friendship you need.

I wouldn't write her off permanently because I think its quite likely there are extenuating circumstances, but for now just accept that she isn't able to give you the support you need and gently withdraw. I don't think putting her on the spot will help either of you and it is likely to make her feel defensive.

I would give it some space and time and when you next see her, tell her gently and without recrimination how her behaviour made you feel and see what happens. But bear in mind she may well be going through difficulties which you are not aware of.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

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