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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried preschool staff are hurting my son?

74 replies

MyKidsDontGoToBed · 13/09/2022 19:33

How worried would you be in this situation?

DS is 3. Speech delay. He has quite a good vocab but struggles to answer questions or make himself understood.

New preschool. Went to nursery before. He's settled in pretty well. It's attached to a private school and feels far more traditional and the staff seem more formal. But DS seems happy ish to go in the morning

End of last week DH saw the key worker do that thing where you pick the kid up by his arm and the kid kinda twists around. Basically dragging DS to where he was supposed to be.

DH said "if you saw a parent do it in a supermarket you'd think that was a parent having a rough day and it definitely wasnt completely ok but you wouldn't call social services"

DH didn't say anything

Today DS has a bruise on his arm. Roughly in the shape of a finger on his inner arm

When he came home from nursery with scraped knees I never questioned it. Kids fall over. But it's a really odd bruise in terms of shape and position.

The thing is DS is running in every morning. I have asked DS but he just ignores me, giggles etc

I will obviously ask them tomorrow but they are going to say they don't know or he fell over or whatever and I don't know if whatever they say I'll feel like taking him out.

But am I being a crazy mum?"

OP posts:
junkdrawer · 13/09/2022 19:38

I'd most definitely question it given that your husband saw them manhandling him.

Your husband is certainly a lot more laid back than mine. My DS wouldn't be going to that nursery anymore and I'm sure there would be investigations on the go by now had it been my husband.

You are putting your trust in these people to look after your pride and joy. You have every right to question it! It'll put your mind at ease, if nothing else. Equally, I would closely monitor them.

Thefailinghousewife · 13/09/2022 19:41

im very laid back, but if I saw someone treat my Ds like that I would lose trust - which you clearly also have because you are questioning the bruise - and I couldn’t leave my child with someone I didn’t trust so that would be it for me.

Randomword6 · 13/09/2022 19:43

I've seen primary school staff do that, it worries me years later. I would monitor very closely, and take a photo of his bruise if you can without your son being aware if it.

megosaurusrex · 13/09/2022 19:46

YANBU. I'd remove DS in a heartbeat if I saw someone physically manhandling him. That member of staff needs reporting.

MyKidsDontGoToBed · 13/09/2022 20:01

It's not acceptable is it? I mean see frustrated mums drag their kid by their arms sometimes in the park. It's not great but it's not abuse territory. But I wouldn't do it to my DS. So I can't accept someone else doing it. But he seems happy there. He runs in each morning.

OP posts:
Cakeandcoffee93 · 13/09/2022 20:02

This is the sort of bruise that nursery nurses look out for in children that need safeguarding- you need to remove and report and get ofsted involved

Spudina · 13/09/2022 20:04

Where are the accident reports? If he has an injury you should be given one. Definitely not ok to pull his arm like that.

LuckyLil · 13/09/2022 20:05

Although you noticed the bruise after group, can you be certain it actually happened there?

Sunnyqueen · 13/09/2022 20:09

Id move him, they could end up turning round and reporting you for it.

Rutland2022 · 13/09/2022 20:09

Abused children still love their abusers @MyKidsDontGoToBed
Not saying it is abuse but being happy to go in means absolutely nothing.
I wouldn’t tolerate it, no chance. But I’d have gone nuclear when I witnessed it.

MyKidsDontGoToBed · 13/09/2022 20:09

No accident report. The bruise isn't particularly bad. But it's shaped like a finger and it's on his inner arm. I can't see how he could bash something in a way that would have made that shape. He's asleep now so I'm going to creep in and take a,picture to have a record.

@LuckyLil I'm 99% sure he didn't have it this morning. I can't be 100% because I don't inspect him every morning but when I came in from work tonight I saw it straight away

OP posts:
Septemberslooming · 13/09/2022 20:09

It would have been do much easier if your DH had raised the issue when he observed it. You have a safeguarding issue which you need to raise.

NoHomers · 13/09/2022 20:11

I removed my DS from a nursery where the staff yelled at him and physically manhandled him unnecessarily.

There is absolutely no need to treat very small children like that, and as EYFS professionals the staff should know better.

Coffeaddict · 13/09/2022 20:14

Cakeandcoffee93 · 13/09/2022 20:02

This is the sort of bruise that nursery nurses look out for in children that need safeguarding- you need to remove and report and get ofsted involved

This

MyKidsDontGoToBed · 13/09/2022 20:15

So DH was blindsided by it. And then DS came out running and laughing and key worker was all smiles and hasn't DS done well today blah blah and DH just didn't say anything. That was Thursday. Definitely no brusie on DS

Today a worryingly shaped bruise.

It cannot be bloody coincidence!

I actually feel sick. Wtf have I done? I took him out of a nursery that was a bit chaotic but v loving (they couldn't find the staff to cover days at points) and put him a new pre school with fancy facilities and glowing reports etc and now this.

OP posts:
WulyJmpr · 13/09/2022 20:16

Definitely escalate this and specifically report the bruise and that you think it's happened at nursery otherwise they may attach blame to you or your family.

MyNoseIsCold · 13/09/2022 20:18

I’d be very concerned.

Ime a staff member behaving like that, and no one addressing it, can be indicative of a workplace culture.

Why did your dh not react? I’m asking genuinely. Is he under responsive to abuse because of his own childhood for instance? Or was there something about the atmosphere of the place that caused him to hesitate?

I’d be concerned that they could turn it round on you and report the bruise as a safe guarding issue about you.

Elfandshafty · 13/09/2022 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit of the site.

KarmaComma · 13/09/2022 20:25

What I'd want to do is drag that staff member across the room by their arm exactly as they'd done to my child.

What I would do is go straight to the manager in the morning, show them the bruise, show them the photo of the bruise and tell them what your husband saw. The managers reaction would determine whether my child ever went there again. The nursery should report this to Ofsted themselves, but you could too.

Connie2468 · 13/09/2022 20:29

You've seen them being heavy handed and dragging him, so regardless of where the bruise came from you should bring it up with the manager.

Saz12 · 13/09/2022 20:33

Nursery teachers don’t have to be saints in their ability to keep their temper.

They need to not feel angry in the first place, and ask a colleague to step in when they feel that first fizz of rage.

They’ve no business manhandling a child unless there’s a risk of actual harm. Speak to the nursery about what DH saw and the bruise.

Sunnyqueen · 13/09/2022 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit of the site.

You think breaking a 4 year olds arm is an acceptable tactic to encourage listening?

Snugglemonkey · 13/09/2022 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit of the site.

Wow, I do not care what my son does, anyone who breaks his harm would be pursued until I have done everything in my power to damage them as much as possible.

elizaregina · 13/09/2022 20:45

Your son won't understand abuse or beginning roughly man handled, beyond the moment it's happened.

I would be absolutely horrified if I had seen any staff man handle my dd.

I've always begged anyone with small DC or even elderly relatives in care, please pop in, regularly unannounced.

It's one of the only ways you can make sure all is ok.

Even with the most glowing among reports, it only takes one rotten apple.

elizaregina · 13/09/2022 20:46

@Elfandshafty

This is Victorian thinking.

We have come on since the dark days and we treat vulnerable people with respect and care.