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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband befriending women on Facebook

34 replies

CannyKate · 13/09/2022 14:52

I am happily married and trust my husband however a few month ago he went out for a few drinks with his friend. He says he got chatting to two women in the pub because they recognised him from doing the school runs with our child. His friend ended up going home early and my husband stayed for several hours, chatting to these two women and drinking alcohol. He ended up being walked home by these women at 3am, and I saw a poor quality doorbell clip of them hugging him and saying something along the lines of “well all women would think that”. I couldn’t work out what was being said but from the body language on the clip I feel they are flirting with him.
I confronted him about all of this and asked him what they were talking about and why they were hugging him etc. I felt very insecure and uncomfortable about it and made sure he knew this. He told me I had nothing to be concerned about, he understood how it must look, but that he was just saying goodbye after waking home hence the hug. He says he didn’t remember what they were talking about in the doorbell footage, and said he just thought it was good that he’s been making friends with other parents at our school.
I still felt deeply uncomfortable about this, but after several discussions on it I decided I had to trust him and tried my best to let it go. I was made to feel like I was being a bit unreasonable/ jealous. I am not jealous person at al, and this is the first time anything like this has happened.

Since then, I’ve seen one of the women flirty waving at my husband while I’m there with him at the school gate. He’s brought these women up in conversation a few times, but I haven’t reacted, but I feel uncomfortable with it
.
This week, my husband posted something on Facebook to which I commented, but noticed that both of these women have liked and commented on the post. I said who is “XYZ” making that comment? He said oh it’s those school mums from the pub. He had befriended them both on Facebook, even knowing that I had felt insecure about it. Looking back at his recent posts, I can see they have been on his Facebook profile for several weeks now. He didn’t tell me he had befriended them. Either he searched them out and added them, or they found out his name and he accepted their friend requests. Either way he didn’t tell me about it, but if I bring it up, I will be made to feel like I have overreacted or am being jealous.

before I talk about this with him again, I’m trying to find out more information, and I’m trying to work out how I feel about this. Am I overreacting? I don’t know? I feel like he has deliberately hidden something from me that he knew I would react to.

OP posts:
LetMeSpeak · 13/09/2022 15:01

YABU and clearly you don’t trust your DH which you claim to at the start of the post. Is he not allowed to have any female friends? This has more to do with your insecurities and he shouldn’t have to do things to cater to such insecurities.

mamabear715 · 13/09/2022 15:04

I agree in a way, @LetMeSpeak , but he knows of OP's insecurities & added the women as friends anyway.. tbh I wouldn't have been too thrilled either.

crowdedout · 13/09/2022 15:05

You are overreacting unless you know your not overreacting if you know what i mean. He probably just got chatting. Regardless of their intent its his that matters. How is he behaving otherwise?

Mumblecalm · 13/09/2022 15:06

Has his behaviour changed towards you? How is your relationship? Are you both happy? Is a phone always hidden away? Do you talk in your relationship?

You get one shot at life and it's worth being happy. If they are just friends he will introduce you and keep you priority.

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/09/2022 15:08

YABU. He's done nothing wrong at all from what you've posted. You don't even know what they were talking about. He can add who he likes on FB surely and they have a genuine connect with the school.

Yummymummy2020 · 13/09/2022 15:09

Honestly I wouldn’t have been impressed either, it’s not as though they are these close friends for years, he didn’t even know them to talk to yet stayed hours behind with them in the pub without his friend then hugging them after being walked home by them? I mean if you did this surely there would be even a hint of annoyance. Everyone is different but from what you have said it would bother me too!(and I don’t mind female friends but they are female strangers really!!!)

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 15:10

This has been bothering you for a few months but you claim to trust him? You don't.

What do you think is going on?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 13/09/2022 15:11

Yabu.

He's a parent they clicked.

Maybe try being friendly towards them too.

JauntyJinty · 13/09/2022 15:14

"He didn’t tell me he had befriended them. Either he searched them out and added them, or they found out his name and he accepted their friend requests. Either way he didn’t tell me about it, but if I bring it up, I will be made to feel like I have overreacted or am being jealous."

If my partner was policiing who I was freidns with on Facebook I would be calling them overacting and jealous too.

"or they found out his name"

Do you really think they spoke for hours in the pub without exchanging names, or are you wording it as if they had to go to some lengths to track him down to make it sound worse than it is?

gannett · 13/09/2022 15:16

Getting chatting with people in the pub who you recognise from somewhere else is perfectly normal.

Getting on well enough to get a bit drunk and stay out late with them is also normal.

Friending them on social media afterwards is also normal, especially if you know you're going to see them regularly again.

Drunk hugs at the end of the night and waving to someone you know, also totally normal. I'm not sure how a "flirty" wave is different from a non-flirty wave.

Do you expect your husband to tell you every time he friends (or is friended by) someone on Facebook? I would think DP was batshit if he even wanted to know. He's not hiding them from you as their comments are obviously public for you to see.

If my partner reacted as you've done to me making new friends in the pub and then on Facebook, I would feel extremely controlled and would almost certainly LTB.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/09/2022 15:16

I think you should try and befriend the 2 women to normalise the relationship.

10HailMarys · 13/09/2022 15:22

mamabear715 · 13/09/2022 15:04

I agree in a way, @LetMeSpeak , but he knows of OP's insecurities & added the women as friends anyway.. tbh I wouldn't have been too thrilled either.

I don't think one person's insecurities should be allowed to restrict another person from having friends, either in person or on Facebook.

Notimeforaname · 13/09/2022 15:22

Yea you definitely don't trust him. He can absolutely have friends.

The best thing to do is just be honest and tell him clearly that you do not trust him.
Its It's up to him then to do something about it if he wants.

You cant control him into not talking to them. If you do, you're being abusive. Hes doing nothing wrong

Chikapu · 13/09/2022 15:23

Do you expect him to tell you everytime he friends a man on FB or is it just women? Does he have to give an indepth explanation why he has male friends?

Peashoots · 13/09/2022 15:26

A bit strange to expect him to tel you when he sends a friend request on facebook. Would never occur to me to tell my partner this. It’s social media, it’s not that deep.

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 15:33

Nah, it's suspicious. Yes we'd all likemto be free and happy and merry and believe everyone was a good person who definitely doesn't enjoy attention from lonely school mums, but that sort of thinking usually ends in the usual outcome.

Of course he can 'just have friends' but he'd be inviting you to those 'friendly' meetups too. Smells like mentionitis and liking the attention.

Does he have male friends? Does he mention them all the time? Do they like his posts?

BeyondsEnergyObsession · 13/09/2022 16:14

No matter how much you may insist you trust him, it's clear you actually don't.

Now whether this is justified based on some omitted backstory is what defines whether YABU or not. With no backstory though, YABU.

Sunnyqueen · 13/09/2022 16:19

How do you flirtily wave at someone lol. If he had something to hide he wouldn't have hugged them on your doorbell camera also can't see them both having a thing for him and both of them being OK with that? It would be one of them just flirting wouldn't it?

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 13/09/2022 16:26

YABU and jealous. Your insecurity is a YOU problem. Work on yourself. If he is a cheat dump him. But he doesn't need to run his friendships past you.

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 16:34

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 15:33

Nah, it's suspicious. Yes we'd all likemto be free and happy and merry and believe everyone was a good person who definitely doesn't enjoy attention from lonely school mums, but that sort of thinking usually ends in the usual outcome.

Of course he can 'just have friends' but he'd be inviting you to those 'friendly' meetups too. Smells like mentionitis and liking the attention.

Does he have male friends? Does he mention them all the time? Do they like his posts?

There are no meet-ups. He bumped into them at the pub and it sounds like the only time he's seen them since is at the school gates.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2022 16:42

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 15:33

Nah, it's suspicious. Yes we'd all likemto be free and happy and merry and believe everyone was a good person who definitely doesn't enjoy attention from lonely school mums, but that sort of thinking usually ends in the usual outcome.

Of course he can 'just have friends' but he'd be inviting you to those 'friendly' meetups too. Smells like mentionitis and liking the attention.

Does he have male friends? Does he mention them all the time? Do they like his posts?

I couldn't go through life being this paranoid.

Either you trust him or you don't. If you trust him you let him get on with it and don't stop trusting him until he gives you a reason to. Or you don't trust him, in which case you leave him. There is no middle ground.

You can't police your partner's friendships or social media activity or dictate who he hangs out with. If what he does, either in real life or online, makes you sufficiently uncomfortable that you doubt his fidelity you either resolve the matter or the relationship is over.

I read all these posts all the time telling people to "read him the riot act" or "sit him down and talk to him" etc. No. You don't get to dictate someone else's social interactions and you can't anyway: giving orders like this is always counterproductive.

You have to let people live. If you're uncomfortable enough for it to ring alarm bells, that's not because of this specific situation its because of an underlying trust issue and its usually a signal that the relationship is over. Good relationships don't engender paranoia or second guessing of this type.

Deal with your relationship, rather than focusing on some trivial encounter with two probably harmless school mums.

Navigatingnewwaters · 13/09/2022 16:44

Do you actually believe they are in a ménage au trois?? You could before them too.

Navigatingnewwaters · 13/09/2022 16:44

Befriend

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 13/09/2022 17:22

YANBU.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 13/09/2022 17:23

YANBU..