I have different values to you

[WhatIsThisMad]

AIBU to think this is the new way of saying 'i don't like you or your views and I'm better than you and my views are the only right ones, but I don't want to sound superior or that I'm putting you down or that I'm up myself'.

Feels like this is the new 'polite' (maybe woke) way of criticising someone and putting them down in a way that makes you sound superior without vocalising you think you are superior.

'we just have different values' is a term I hear alot recently (not usually directed at me, but) if directed at me it feels like a wrapped up criticism to which I have no recourse (hope that's the right spelling!)

Just me then :)

It's hard to comment without knowing the context but I suppose it's a diplomatic but clear way of explaining you don't want to continue a friendship without having to provide a list of reasons!

Yes, obviously it actually means “your values are wrong but I’m too polite to say that”

Same way as “we’ll have to agree to disagree” means “you’re wrong but I cba to argue”

Or maybe they're just saying they have different values to you and it isn't worth discussing as neither of you have any desire to change your minds, so why keep talking about it? It's probably a sign the conversation has grown very stale.

Interesting. I haven’t heard this said in real life but it’s familiar from forums, especially since lockdowns. Any examples of context in which it was said? Someone said that to you?

I agree it would sting to have that said to my face.

I think sometimes it's just true isn't it?

We do all have different values. Not better or worse necessarily, but different.

I don't doubt that sometimes it is used as a sly put down though. I wouldn't let it worry you.

Depends very much on the context/ what you're discussing.

Taken in isolation - YABU - It's just a way of saying they have different values to you.

Two examples

1. Group of students I teach - one is pursuading the other group to share their views on a topic. The other group don't want to. Response 'well we just have different values. We value the collective sharing of ideas. You value individualism'.

1. Said to me when apprentice left last week. Thanks for the apprenticeship it's been interesting. We clearly have different values and that's ok

Many others I've heard recently :)

Are you lecturing them on Brexit or trans rights or something? You need to ask yourself why people keep saying this to you.

Nova - it's not generally said to me (except recently from my apprentice), but between students in a way that sounds like put downs (eg. In the example where one group felt they valued collectivism this was nonsense. From my view.point it seemed the other group didn't want to share ideas not because they value individualism' but because the larger group appeared quite bullying and as if they'd put them down whatever they said)

I think both of those examples are very diplomatic and respectful ways of saying “we’re different people who see the world in different ways and believe things which we’ll never see eye to eye on.” Which is far preferable to people who want to pick a fight when you don’t agree that their views are correct and turn it into a slanging match of personal insults.

Isn’t it a nice way of saying “we will never agree with each other so let’s put it to one side”?

It can be this but it can be straight forward, depends on context.

A friend of mine’s dad said it to her mother recently when she was commenting about my friends somewhat messy house. He wasn’t making a value judgement, he was just pointing out to his wife that a messy house bothered her, but it didn’t bother their daughter.

Ok, thanks for the replies! Good to get a different perspective on it. :)

Just as @ComtesseDeSpair has said it's a diplomatic way of saying we differ on views without trying cause offence.

I imagine it's someone trying to nip an argument or debate in the bud before it escalates..occasionally I'd say "we will just have to agree to disagree" on hot topics that I'd rather not get deep into.

Some people do hold largely differing values to each-other - so I think it's mature to identify that especially if it's relevant to a relationship or working partnership.

And yea you're right - they think their way is right...which is why they believe what they believe because it's the truth to them. But that's ok, and it's ok for some things to be left at that.

What do you want them to say?

I don't mind what people say in this context, as long as they leave it there.. I have to be seething inside (very rare) before I'll even say to someone that we'll have to agree to disagree.. it's my cue that someone's tried to browbeat me long enough, and change my views into theirs, & to stop before I have to smack them one.. ;-)

I don't know! Maybe 'i disagree with your view on X, y, z' and then discuss it (or not).

I think there's a difference between saying your views and opinions are different to mine Vs your values are different - especially when the implication is my views are better than yours Vs my values are better than yours.

Values somehow feel much deeper and more personal. Having my values put down or seen as less than someone else's feels more of a dig than having my opinions put down or disagreed with.

Ps. Thanks this thread is actually helping me think through a few things!

would you rather they had said "we don't want to discuss it because you are a bunch of bullying bastards"?

I have (some) different values from my best friend. Doesn't make either of us wrong.

Well I say this about my brother because he is a drug dealer. Does this make me superior? I don’t know. It’s something I struggle with. I struggle with his choices, they’re morally wrong. Our values most certainly are different. Is it still possible for me to have a relationship with him knowing this? It is a struggle.

I use this with various members of DH family and I definitely mean that I think they are completely wrong but can’t be bothered to argue about why I won’t follow their terrible advice.

would you rather they had said "we don't want to discuss it because you are a bunch of bullying bastards"?

I thought it might be a polite way of dealing with/heading off people who assume anyone who thinks differently needs educating - ignoring any difference in ideology culture or background - and will go on and on till other side stop talking and allow them to believe they have "won".

Said to me when apprentice left last week. Thanks for the apprenticeship it's been interesting. We clearly have different values and that's ok

Is that just he got wider experience than he's had previously.

It shouldn't really need stating people have different values and that's okay but some of the youth sub culture does seem very intolerant of differing views.

A friend of mine’s dad said it to her mother recently when she was commenting about my friends somewhat messy house. He wasn’t making a value judgement, he was just pointing out to his wife that a messy house bothered her, but it didn’t bother their daughter.

Ok fair.

I think I’d say “we value different things” in that context rather than “we have different values”.

To me “values” means “morals”, and so someone saying we have different values = we have different morals = definitely a criticism.

But I can see that if people are using it to mean “we value different things” that isn’t necessarily a criticism.