I have different values to you

[WhatIsThisMad]

AIBU to think this is the new way of saying 'i don't like you or your views and I'm better than you and my views are the only right ones, but I don't want to sound superior or that I'm putting you down or that I'm up myself'.

Feels like this is the new 'polite' (maybe woke) way of criticising someone and putting them down in a way that makes you sound superior without vocalising you think you are superior.

'we just have different values' is a term I hear alot recently (not usually directed at me, but) if directed at me it feels like a wrapped up criticism to which I have no recourse (hope that's the right spelling!)

Yep!

The only time I've ever used it was to turn down 2 different men I spoke to online dating. I didn't like the way one of them treated his pet, and the other was quite boastful about working for marketing in a tobacco company (he was quite high up and well qualified so not someone taking a job out of desperation, for context).

In all honesty, I suppose it was a bit critical because I did disagree quite strongly with these things but was trying to express it in a polite way. I think I just wanted to make clear that there were certain reasons for me not wanting to continue rather than just give a non-specific 'thanks but no thanks' which I would normally have done at such an early stage.

I've heard it used quite passive aggressively though.

I'm not offended. I would prefer people were honest and said - "I think you are wrong and I'm right"

Most (sensible) people generally want to avoid conflict where it isn’t necessary. Coming out and saying “I am right and you are wrong” is, in most instances, going to perceived as antagonistic. It’s preferable for most people just to say something which essentially implicitly means “I don’t wish to discuss this issue because you aren’t going to change my mind and I’d rather the situation didn’t get nasty.”

Completely agree with this.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination is absolutely right. Values ARE always big things. That’s why you have this faint itchy feeling that this phrase isn’t right, @WhatIsThisMad - this phrase is often taking a single conversation or a single topic, and making a broad statement about another person’s values. There was a poster who stated that they disagreed with their brother’s values and he’s a drug dealer and he has other accompanying selfish behaviors - THAT is the kind of situation in which to use a statement like this, when you’ve known someone personally and deeply for years, you truly know their values, and you know yours don’t align. And even then, you might know a drug dealer who has other values that DO still align with yours. But not over a single classroom discussion, or a work colleague, like your intern judging you (he didn’t know you personally, and truthfully, doesn’t even know you professionally, as you are constrained by limits of your profession, your institution, the internship itself - it would have been a bit funnier if you WERE also a staunch socialist like him, OP, but forbidden to discuss personal politics with interns, so he wasn’t to know - I’ve had professors who were forbidden from discussing personal political beliefs in the US).

You can literally agree to disagree and move on - it means you still respect each other, and you’re willing to continue communicating on the whole, because you value the communication more than just that one issue.

But your apprentice saying, “We obviously have different values and that’s okay.” Erm, I didn’t know I needed to be informed that it was okay if my values differed from someone else’s? Because it really is an incredibly pompous thing to say - “your worldview doesn’t align with mine, but I suppose it’s acceptable.” I would have told him that he might have personal values but if he wants to work with a wide range of people, he better work on not condescending to others with statements like that. If he wants to go to work with only people who have the exact same values as he does, then I suppose he’s fine and it doesn’t need any improvement.

Dp and I have had some long conversations about honesty and commitment, sharing scenarios where our allegiance to these values was tested. We don't always agree, she tends to be more relaxed about her values and tends to be more flexible whereas I'm very rigid.
From time to time I have been disappointed in her thoughts and thought process.

On here i see it used as a snide way of saying “you have lower values than me”

Yes, I'm sure I remember seeing something along those lines on a recent thread -maybe the one where the OP's niece was going to be staying in the house? It was very definitely an attempt at a put-down on that occasion.

YES! Now you mention it, I’ve definitely seen it on Mumsnet, probably a few times. “You and I obviously have different values, OP”.

Yup this kind of thing. It really grates on me!!

I’ve seen that on here and it was not polite, it was snide AF.
I catalogued it for future use in rl. 👍

If I want to be polite and diffuse, I say, “Well, it seems we’ll have to agree that we disagree on this one and move on.”

A slur, however slight, another person’s values is never polite. It’s not meant to be.

I don't think it's wrapped up or hidden at all.

"we have different values" means we value different things and live by different codes. Given that the speaker has presumably considered reasons for their own code and values, it's inevitable they will consider theirs to be better. That's the definition of value!

If someone said that to me I'd consider it a realisation that we're not going to get anywhere with this argument: neither of us is going to persuade the other because we're coming from completely different places and have no interest in moving closer.

(and yes, it is probably rude... but as I consider my values to be the superior ones, it's not something that would bother me )

the definition of ‘values’ includes principles, judgements, what is viewed as right, and that’s why I would interpret this as a judgement on my morals. If someone said that to me I would certainly be deeply offended. Id find it incredibly rude. It’s a perfect example to me of the true meaning of passive aggressive.

but that’s the definition I use, and yours may differ so we can agree to disagree.

But different people do have different values. Maybe some open questions would be helpful?