Still bad crying at drop-off 9 months in - normal?

[BillBenWeed]

DC is 20 months and been with her childminder since she was 1 but still desperately cries at drop off nearly every morning (and when it's not desperate crying it's whimpering). In photos during the day she seems happy enough and is playing but I can't get over her being so upset every time still. We built up really gradually for the first month to doing 3 long days (8-6) from Feb until August and for the last month and a bit she's done 4 days of 8-5.30.

It's a family with a few adults who childmind so quite busy, particularly before and after school, and she really likes 1 of the adults and isn't fussed by the other 2. Sometimes she's happy when I pick her up but a lot of the time she'll stop what she's doing and cry and run to me as soon as she sees me. Drop offs and pick ups are all really quick because of this and deliberately cheery; this obviously doesn't seem to be helping and I often feel like I don't get much of an update as to how she is as handovers are always pretty short. She took a really long time to settle there (just wanting to sit and cuddle with the childminder, took multiple weeks to even start playing) so I'm really hesitant to try somewhere else in case it's just the same and then she has a month or so of being really sad and having to get used to somewhere else.

We chose a childminder because it would be a smaller environment / more outings and she's pretty sensitive and intense so thought she'd find nursery too full on when she was younger but now not sure if there being 7/8 kids at times is still too full on? It's miserable dropping her off and her desperately crying and reaching out for me shouting 'mummyyyy' but the obvious option of trying somewhere else just feels like it might be more pain for no gain and everyone I speak to irl says this is normal. Is it?! How do I know?!

The childminders are nice and caring and do seem happy to comfort her through her being upset and she likes going out to parks etc with them but I just don't know. She wasn't an easy baby and I feel like any instincts I might have started with have been shot to pieces by months of scream-crying for hours on end each night with colic/silent reflux/god only knows. Thank you for any advice, I know this is a very dull question!

YABU - this is normal, suck it up and stick with it
YANBU - this is not normal, suck it up and risk a change!

Ugh. It's horrible, sympathies.

I do think sometimes it becomes routine for the child, so the crying is just habitual but no doubt they would rather be with us than anyone else.

My DC1 cried everyday at nursery drop off (happy in the day from my covert observations), then it stopped from the very first day of preschool 🤷‍♀️

Well. Some kids are a bit like this. But being honest no its not normal. My two are older now and they went to a childminder for years so ive seen many children go through the settling in process. Generally once settled childeen enjoy and look forward to nurserh or childminder...unlike school they tend to think of it as fun ! And mine were both there from similar age to yours...ie. 6 months onwards.

I would find somewhere else.

@GroggyLegs thank you, and sorry you had crying for ages with your little one too! So strange that it changed suddenly with pre-school for your little one. Just had some pictures of her playing with other kids there and running about on a walk and seeming happy enough (though not particularly laughing/smiling) so it's just hard to know what's best and how much happier she'd be anywhere else. @waterrat that's exactly how my friend's little ones seem to feel about their nurseries and I'd love it for mine, it would be amazing to drop her off and have her happy to run in! Feels impossible

My eldest cried for years unfortunately. He was fine after the drop was complete. He only really stopped around 6. Sorry.

My son cried everyday I dropped him to Nursery when he was 3 years old, he was fine after I left though

That must be so hard -really feel for you! Unfortunately it is really impossible to know if it is this particular CM or just anywhere that is away from you that triggers the upset, unless you try somewhere else. Based on my two DS, i would say it isn't normal. For both mine, it was clear within a few days whether the nursery/CM suited them - DS2 was unhappy everyday going into ('excellent' rated) nursery, but settled almost immediately when i moved him to a local preschool. DS1 is very sensitive, but still settled within a couple of weeks and happily went into his CM without tears. Personally i'd try somewhere else (but i think i'd have been an emotional wreck by now as i'm a soft touch!).

I had this with my daughters. 2 different kids, two different childminder/kindy type places.

I asked them both a couple of years later when they were old enough to articulate their reasons. Basically, they didn’t like it. They didn’t like going. 🤷‍♀️ Nothing more to it than that. Of course I feel guilty years later but they are teenagers now. They are great kids, doing well at school, plenty of friends etc… Their first day at real school, there were no tears, they toddled off happily and never looked back. But yeah, they just didn’t like it.

My DC are adults now.

Some DC are like this, had a few friends where it went on into school and one in particular where it was well into the junior years.

Part of crying is communicating. She's likely expressing that she doesn't like goodbyes, partly that she prefers being with you and partly it could be emotional overwhelm.

It is very hard on you

She may well settle better in a much smaller setting (nanny or quiet childminder) but do you have that option?

I wouldn't move her to a nursery or another busy childminder because it does sound like she doesn't enjoy group care rather than its this specific childminder.

Having worked in nurseries there are some children who never enjoy it. They do stopping crying once you leave and will join in, but they're not happy particularly ime. I've known kids like this who went to nursery full time from 6 months and still didn't really enjoy it at 3/4 years old. Some kids are not just not suited to this kind of care.

Thank you so much everyone; I've been struggling with this for a while and really wobbling the last few weeks and you all being so lovely has got me a bit tear-y to be honest! I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply and sharing your experiences. I think I might try and look at a few other settings and try a few visits/settles and see how we go. It's just hard that to get a nursery place we'd have to wait for months and also sign a contract for multiple days a week and then likely have lost our place at our original childminder's if she was the same there; our childminder is turning people away at the minute and can't accommodate any extra hours as much as she used to be able to cos they're full on ratios. I am a bit of an emotional wreck to be honest which is why I have no idea what my own instincts are on this and haven't yet been brave enough to take the plunge and try somewhere else!

My son cried at first. He was doing 3 half days a week. Nursery teacher said he'd be better off doing 5 half days as it would become his daily routine and that kids like routine. He did 8:30 to 12:00 so home for lunch.
He started to really enjoy it. We then extended that to to staying with a packed lunch so 8:30 to 1:30. We built up to full days which he coped with really well.
Also, though there are many more children in a nursery, there are usually 2-3 rooms plus outside play area so the kids are spread around & there is a feeling of space & mobility for the kids. There are usually many activity tables, some adult lead/some child lead. And there will always be quiet areas where they can chill if it's getting too much.
There will be a larger variety of staff, and a wider selection of children to play alongside.
Its horses for courses really & some take longer than others to settle. Perhaps try half a day a week at nursery before you give up your childminder.

I'm not sure I'd lose the place if it is a good place and your child is fine after you leave. For my son, he just wanted to be at home, it wasn't that the nursery was bad or he didn't like the people, he was just clingy at that age and wanted to be with me all the time

@Popsispoppet trying for half a day at a nursery alongside the childminder is a really good shout, thank you. Ideally I'd do 5 shorter days as well I think but I can't make that work with mine and my partner's work hours. I think she'd cope much better with that, and my childminder said the same about more days being easier on young ones but the move to 4 (marginally) shorter days from 3 doesn't seem to have helped at all :(

You poor thing and your poor little girl. Its so difficult. It doesn't sound normal to me and I would look at moving her to somewhere with less children. My little boy sounds like a similar baby and I felt he wouldn't enjoy environment's with big groups yet (he is 1). I'm lucky as I'm going part time (ish) and so is his dad. The other 2/3 days his grandma and aunty will have him. Do you have any family who could step in for a day to lessen the need for a childcare setting? You've probably already thought of that sorry! Have a look on childcare.co.uk, there are lots of childminding and nanny profiles. Good luck!

Thanks @Menwithvenn, that would be the dream and my mum would love to be able to do that but she still needs to work full-time herself sadly and no-one else around who could help either. I do wonder about a smaller childminder maybe as he does happily go off to my mum's (though no childcare going to be as good as grandma, sadly!)

@MatildaTheCat and @AryaStarkWolf I'm sorry you had similar! Yes definitely don't want to lose this place if I can avoid it cos they are good and understanding with her (the lady she particularly likes had her sitting on her lap just cuddling nearly all day every day for the first few weeks bless her, and they're always really quick to notice if she's not herself) just the niggling worry that maybe there is somewhere out there she'd be happier and I'm just forcing her to do something she's upset about every day is hard to quash! None of the other kids there are ever upset at drop off or pick up so it's clearly not really awful (!)

Oh god @NuffSaidSam I'm worried this is my little one. Can tolerate it and join in but nothing more. She does love being outside and they go out and about a lot so I think she'll at least genuinely be enjoying that. We can't afford a nanny but maybe a quieter childminder. She was super reserved until about 12/13 months and is much more outgoing now and will try to engage with adults/other kids out and about but still definitely on the more introverted side. It's useful to know some kids never do enjoy it; I've just kind of being hoping at some point it will 'click' but she's been there 9 months now and still nearly always upset so can't see anything getting better from her.

My son could never stand the moment of separation. He cried often, and still does at school for a few weeks at the beginning of term. Now that he can talk he says it’s just the moment of saying goodbye.

All I can tell you is my DS cried every day I dropped him off at nursery for the first year (so age 1-2). Then he just stopped as soon as he moved into the toddler room where there was more stimulation, and to be fair he was also older. If staff tell you he's happy when you're not there I would just push on through. It is hard but just be smiley and positive and don't linger. Just drop off, saying Mummy loves you, see you soon! And go. Little ones sense doubt and anxiety from parents and it makes them anxious. Good luck!

Is there a very big difference in employing a nanny who could come to the house, and a childminder? I'm sorry, I'm pretty ignorant about these things. It sounds, so upsetting for you, I'm sorry. I have 4 children, and my youngest is the same age, 20 months. I feel that he would be similar to your dd in a similar situation. Could you afford to drop a day's work, have a nanny for say, one day, and a childminder for the other, to minimise using the kind of setting your dd doesn't seem to like? Again, sorry if my suggestions are silly. I don't know how these things work, but you have my sympathy, as I'd struggle in that situation too x

Financially, the difference between a childminder and a nanny is massive. It will be at least double, probably more.

Thank you. I guess it makes sense, seeing as a childminder will take multiple children. I have no idea what the maximum is per adult though.

@Somethingsnappy It's the cost really, and I think she'd really struggle being at home with my partner and I here but not able to engage with us (plus we don't have space to hide away, we both wfh and I'm at the kitchen table!) Even a smaller childminder might work, ratios are 6 children under the age of 8 to 1 childminder, only 3 of whom can be under age 4 (and 1 under age 1). So in some ways childminders could be busier than nurseries I guess where ratios are 3 children under age 2 per adult. I think we might have ended up with the worst of both words between nursery and childminder settings to be honest in terms of ratios/busyness, though the ladies themselves are lovely.

My DD was exactly the same as this. Once she moved up the settings a bit she was much happier at drop-off and she was always fine very quickly after I had left. She's 4 now and skips off happily to nursery.

I completely understand how gut wrenching it is for you, but I'd expect it is just the initial goodbye that she struggles with and she comes around very quickly.

My children attended 5 different nurseries and one childminder between them.

Apart from the first week or so, they only ever cried when they were unhappy at the setting.

One particular nursery was horrible (although I didn't find out till later) and my DS cried at drop off, and more significantly at pick up. I think it was just the sheer relief that I was there to rescue him. The staff tried to fob me off that he was struggling with transitions but he had already attended a childminder before he started this nursery, and was perfectly fine with transitions there. So I knew it was this particular setting that was upsetting him. I moved him fairly quickly. Funnily enough he never cried once at the new nursery!