Still bad crying at drop-off 9 months in - normal?

[BillBenWeed]

DC is 20 months and been with her childminder since she was 1 but still desperately cries at drop off nearly every morning (and when it's not desperate crying it's whimpering). In photos during the day she seems happy enough and is playing but I can't get over her being so upset every time still. We built up really gradually for the first month to doing 3 long days (8-6) from Feb until August and for the last month and a bit she's done 4 days of 8-5.30.

It's a family with a few adults who childmind so quite busy, particularly before and after school, and she really likes 1 of the adults and isn't fussed by the other 2. Sometimes she's happy when I pick her up but a lot of the time she'll stop what she's doing and cry and run to me as soon as she sees me. Drop offs and pick ups are all really quick because of this and deliberately cheery; this obviously doesn't seem to be helping and I often feel like I don't get much of an update as to how she is as handovers are always pretty short. She took a really long time to settle there (just wanting to sit and cuddle with the childminder, took multiple weeks to even start playing) so I'm really hesitant to try somewhere else in case it's just the same and then she has a month or so of being really sad and having to get used to somewhere else.

We chose a childminder because it would be a smaller environment / more outings and she's pretty sensitive and intense so thought she'd find nursery too full on when she was younger but now not sure if there being 7/8 kids at times is still too full on? It's miserable dropping her off and her desperately crying and reaching out for me shouting 'mummyyyy' but the obvious option of trying somewhere else just feels like it might be more pain for no gain and everyone I speak to irl says this is normal. Is it?! How do I know?!

The childminders are nice and caring and do seem happy to comfort her through her being upset and she likes going out to parks etc with them but I just don't know. She wasn't an easy baby and I feel like any instincts I might have started with have been shot to pieces by months of scream-crying for hours on end each night with colic/silent reflux/god only knows. Thank you for any advice, I know this is a very dull question!

YABU - this is normal, suck it up and stick with it
YANBU - this is not normal, suck it up and risk a change!

Also remember with small children - they can't really communicate if something is wrong. They can't tell you if they are being mistreated when you're not there. Their only way they have to let you know something is wrong is by crying and their body language. So it is important we listen to this.

My DD was like this the whole time she was at nursery from 15 months to 2yr9mo. By the time I got to work quarter of an hour later she'd be fine and at pick up never wanted to leave. How is your child at pick up?

We had almost the exact same experience. In the space of a couple of weeks at just over 2 years old, DS went from crying and clinging on to DH, to charging in without a backwards glance. It coincided with moving to the room for 2-3 year olds…but I think it was mostly the end of a long phase of separation anxiety, which we had observed to be calming down in other places too. DS is also quite sensitive and intense, which I think made it worse!

What was wrong with the nursery?

Well its a long story but they weren't very nice to the children.

My niece did this for all the years she went to pre school. She was always fine after drop off though. I think it's habit for many children, i worked in a pre school for years, majority are totally fine. I think in all the time there was only one child who genuinely never really settled. He got on with the day but always was sad.

DD 26 months has been attending nursery since she was 11 months old.

She goes through stages but she mainly still cries at the door. They say she goes in, has a cuddle and is fine after 5 minutes. She is always very happy and settled during the day and when I collect her she is always having a grand old time playing. I did a thread a few weeks ago and many people had the same, that their DC cried the whole way until school!

For my DD, I think its a mix of habit to cry and also she's sad that I am leaving, not that she is going to nursery.

If it helps and you are thinking of changing from a CM, DD is also very sensitive, no siblings or cousins either so not used to noise and hustle bustle but nursery seems to make her more confident and resilient and she absolutely loves the girls who work in the room.

My DS was like this - started nursery around 8months, cried every time we took him (started off on one day a week, then two, but it didn't improve). Then Covid happened & he was then old enough to go to the preschool at DDs school so we made the decision to move him to the preschool & stop the nursery.
He never cried going to preschool, a few tears getting ready, but actually there at the drop off he was happy, & fine.
He's now just started school & is happily walking in by himself.
We asked him if he'd liked his old nursery & he said no. Can't really say why, & it's rated well by lots of people including friends, whose kids have been happy there, but it just wasn't right for DS.
We can't do anything about it now, but I am glad we made the decision to move him to preschool, it really helped him.

As a former Nursery Nurse I wonder if this particular CM is a little "busy" for such a little girl who likes a quieter zone. Usually CM have fewer DC .Also 3 caregivers seems a lot .Does she have one assigned keyworker? Maybe look around for other CM with a quieter vibe.Even if they are full ATM can be put on waiting list

My younger two cried at drop off right the way up until reception age. Totally draining. They just didnt like transitions

Ah I'm so worried about her now, really hope she's not been unhappy there all this time. When I pick her up if I can peek at her before she notices me she's always been playing and sometimes comes out to me happily or starts to show me what she's doing etc. Most of the time, though, she stops what she's doing and cries and just wants me to hold her, it does feel like just overwhelming relief that I've come back 😭God I feel awful for her but also somehow awful about the prospect of trying to find someone again as well as weirdly ungrateful to her current childminder? They are nice just maybe not the best for dc, I don't know. Thanks again everyone for your advice, feel fairly awful that I've been letting her down all this time but onwards and upwards eh

@dottiedodah not officially assigned keyworker but has basically chosen one for herself which seems to work for them too. It's usually the main lady and her sister and another relative helps on busier days / before and after school when they have older siblings for wraparound care; during the main body of the day there are usually 5/6 children but I've counted 10 at pick up or drop off with the school age children there. They're all registered childminders etc. and it does feel warm but the playroom in the house is actually pretty small so I think when they're in the house rather than out and about it might be a bit overwhelming for her :(

If she's fine when's she's there and fine after you leave and before you go ( ie at home or on journey) I wouldn't worry it's possible she doesn't like hello/goodby or more likely it's become a routine.

If it's impacting during the day/at home then I'd consider a smaller setting. You could ask to see/speak to childminder out side of collection and ask their view.

I don't think this sounds normal. Sorry. It's the pick-up crying that sounds most worrying.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you sound very caring and observant. It is just a hard thing to judge and know how long to wait to see if things improve/if it's just settling in. At that age you can't ask them what happened that day.

I'd say look for somewhere else. 9m is still a lot less time than is left to go to school and if you can find somewhere your child is happier at you will feel better too.

Gosh I wouldn't be able to settle if it was me sorry OP. I hear that some kids are just like that I've never had it with DS. I would rather try another childcare setting and if still same issues I would accept it better knowing I've tried everything.

BillBenWeed Is she happier when out and about? My Nephews attended a Forest School type of Nursery ,where the children are out all day whatever the weather!Maybe she would like something like this .As I say most CM are quieter than Nursery but yours sounds busy with 10 DC at drop off/picking up .Esp in a home setting.May be overwhelming .Perhaps look at some Nurseries too just to get a comparison .Often children cry at coming in though, and are happy through the day.We did Diaries for Mums and Dads so they can see how their DC were doing.

It might not be really common but it's definitely "normal" OP. I saw lots of children at reception being peeled off parents. My own DC thankfully have never been permanent criers, but they've all gone through phases. And there have definitely been a few permanent criers at all of their settings. As long as your DD is happy once she is there, that's the main thing.

It’s so hard to tell whether it’s your particular child that struggles in general or whether they are struggling with the childcare setting.

My first did this at the CM and I allowed myself to be convinced that he was just ‘one of those kids’. I did this because the CM was lovely, the setting was great, the other kids were happy, she really focused on their development, provided lovely food etc. But it turned out he just didn’t like it.

We moved house and needed to get a new CM and he never had any trouble again at drop off neither did he at pre-school when he started. The new CM on paper was not as desirable as the first one but both my kids absolutely love her (as do we!) and are happy going.

If I had my time again I wish I’d have tried something new.

@Greengagesnfennel argh I know, it’s the pick up crying that particularly kills me too. She doesn’t do the pick up crying when her dad collects her and cries less at drop off with him too (though still usually grizzles / rarely doesn’t cry at all). Thanks for being kind even in saying it’s not normal / ok, I appreciate it.

I’ve not been able to ‘settle’ either with her like this, I’m not some heartless uncaring mother. Just all I get when I talk to anyone irl about this is how it’s normal / she’s happy when she’s there and tbh after so much upset at the start and all through her first year for various things (as I said colic/silent reflux/just generally an intense and sensitive character) it doesn’t feel easy to just drop what is a good place and try somewhere else and potentially make things worse for her. But clearly that’s me putting my own fears in front of her and I need to get braver. She’s only been doing 3 days until august which made it easier to cope with but now that she’s there 4 days it just is starting to feel unbearable. But then last night she kept saying the names of the children and of the main childminder she likes and seemed to be trying to tell us stories about them, and I had pictures of her holding hands with other mindees and running about.

I’ve messaged a few smaller childminders and will visit them; @dottiedodah shed love a forest school but all the ones I’ve found round here start at 2 so we’ve got until the new year to be able to try some of those. I’ll try visiting some now in prep as we’re on the list for one.

@HousePlantNeglect (love your username) I wonder if this might be the case for us too. We’re planning to move soon (not actively looking yet as unsure of exact area) so I think the thought that she won’t be there ‘that much’ longer and the fear of two moves, neither of which might be better, has fed into keeping her there these last 9 months but maybe I just need to bite the bullet with the house too (first time buyers, what a time to be looking 😪) I’m really glad to hear you found somewhere your son was happier

@autienotnaughty yes going to give the childminder a ring one evening and see what she says, though part of me doesn’t believe all that much cos she’s always said she’s fine when we’re gone and why would she say anything else, it’s a 40 hour a week place. Not that I’ve ever had any reason to doubt her and part of why I liked her is cause before we even started she said if at 6 weeks my little one wasn’t settled she’d tell us and recommend we find another setting as she’d never had in 20+ years any dc take longer than 6 weeks to settle. It reassured me that she’s been doing it so long and would turn us away if dc wasn’t happy but now I just don’t know.

I don't know if this is actually going to be helpful, but your experience really resonates with me. My DD is now almost 12. She was also a 'sensitive' and 'intense' baby/toddler/preschooler/child and every single drop off at nursery/preschool was a nightmare. Floods of tears, they had to peel her off me while she clung on for dear life. She calmed down after I had gone but she never actually found being there a positive experience. She just kind of made the best of it, having learned that once I left her I wasn't coming back for a long time.

As she got older, the tears and clinging happened a bit earlier as she didn't want to be seen crying and making a fuss by other children or by teachers at school. She'd stick on her 'game face' and go through the school gates, then basically do her best to be invisible all day.

Eventually all the years of being forced to cope in a mainstream nursery/school setting caught up with her and she crashed out of primary school mid-way through Year 6. Was never able to get back in, serious school-based anxiety and trauma.

Now having an immensely hard time trying to settle into secondary school, she's only going in for an hour and spending it with a TA instead of going into class. It is a very long and stressful battle each day just getting her into uniform and into school. She simply doesn't feel safe there, there is some deep trauma caused by many years of being expected to cope in an environment that was actually deeply unsuitable for her.

She's autistic. I knew this when she was 6 and had my suspicions earlier. She was eventually diagnosed and finally got some support at school when she was nearly 11, but it was too late.

If you know that there is something different about your child, I'd recommend a really long look at the way everything is set up for you and your family and your work. I'm on the verge of resigning from my job now, I just can't do it anymore as she needs me too much for constant support and TBH I doubt she'll ever settle in a school environment. Maybe she could have coped now if I hadn't prioritised working (mostly full-time) since she was 12 months old and kept on forcing her into childcare day after day after day. And of course school recognising her additional needs and actually trying to meet them might also have helped!

What you're going through isn't normal, and it isn't your fault, she isn't 'too attached' to you. She's communicating, in the only way she can, that she needs you and isn't coping in childcare. If your child is different in any way, if she has any additional needs, then you have subconsciously become her specialist 1:1 carer as well as her mum. You're the one who can meet her needs, and the way she feels being sent into nursery without you is the same way a deaf child would feel being sent into nursery but having their hearing aid taken away first. They've lost the one thing that enables them to function properly.

I'm so sorry, I know this isn't a helpful post. :-(

My ds1 used to go to a nursery setting for a couple of hours while I took a class when he was little.
He would cry everytime I left him, cling to me, the whole emotional guilt trip. His nursery said he settled really quickly and to stay out of view for a couple of minutes then peep through the window.
Sure enough, within a couple of minutes he was fine.

He was the same when he started school, but now, he's a 22 year old young man who has lived in London since he started university just after his 18th birthday.

It does get better.

I have two DC. DC1 was absolutely fine from nursery onwards. Perfectly happy and never a tear. DC2 still had to be carried in wailing and physically separated from me in year 1 She slowly got better and now in year 5 walks herself to school.

There might be something wrong or your DC is like my DC2 and just wails.

How is she once you leave her? If your childminder sends pics showing her happily playing then im sure all is fine. Have an honest discussion with your CM, I will always tell my families how their child has been, so if they've had a bad day they know but can then trust that if I say it was all good then that's the truth.
Young children who haven't been exposed to as many people/social settings due to covid are definitely taking longer to settle than previously. However, to be honest some children will do this every single time & literally as soon as the door closes the smiles come out & they are off to play with friends. Tears start again as soon mum arrives to pick up. They play on your emotions because they do feel your stress/mum guilt etc. What is your language/body language like at drop offs - your child will pick up if you are anxious & this doesn't help them. As a CM it's very frustrating to hear some parents drop their children off with treats & saying something like 'I'm sorry baby, mummy knows you don't like it at xxx house'which sees your child up for a bad start to the day.