How do you know if you are being controlled?

[sorrycanthearyou]

Is it just a feeling? Thing is I am not perfect, I am naggy and obsessive about neatness. So I make unreasonable demands like not walking on the floor with wet feet because I clean it, like bringing dishes down even though he pays all the bills.

I want to work though so I make sure I work and pay for what I can. I use my money first and only ask for money from hubby when I have run out, and only for our child, though I have asked to borrow money from him to see my friends before on special occasions.

He tells me I don't need to work but I want to. Then when I wanted to go back to work more he made it clear I am to do all the child pick ups (he is very busy, has two jobs) so could "never earn as much as me" anyway.

I feel controlled. I was told I can't be going out all the time, because that's how I like to socialise. I don't go out and get rotten, just spend around £30 of my own money and stay out late.

He puts me down a lot, but he isn't your nasty reprobate, he's a good man who wants to provide for us. But the other night he went too far and told me he is the one in charge of the family. He told me how and what to say to our child like an order and I reacted. I said it was unacceptable and that we are meant to be a team. I just can't get past being told that I am not his equal. Not only that but in family contribution-wise. I made a big deal of it and then felt very bad for overreacting but he said that my role as homemaker (who also works from home) is "not as important as what I do" which is provide financially for the family.

Now, I don't need much. He moved into my social home and took over the bills, fair enough. One argument included him saying "I can't leave you alone because you're a fucking lunatic" told me his parenting was better than mine and I only coped alone before him because she was only a baby, which is easy.

I'm only mentioning a few things as I don't want to misrepresent anything or paint him to be worse than he is. But after I objecting to the comment about him being in charge and not myself, it has ended with him leaving, he said I'm being "a total crazy cow" because I said it was not acceptable, and that he was going to leave.

It's difficult because all our finances are intertwined but I'll be perfectly okay in my home and with my work, perhaps UC until I do get the job outside the home I want, would have to be around school hours still, but I'm happy with breakfast club etc. My child is very social.

He formed a bond very quickly with my child, which I thought was amazing as my ex is a piece of shit (I know). I got away from his asap, he was violent.

So, intertwining us so early on I'm beginning to suspect was less than altruistic.

Sorry it's long. It could be infinitely longer. I don't want him back because of all this but feel bad about that.

I feel like all my complaints about him are petty because that's what he said they are. It's also very small things; won't engage in activities I want to do, but he pays for nice holidays, so that's okay.
Buys me expensive things but I don't even want expensive things. He called me ungrateful and difficult to get along with.

But I'm not ungrateful I just don't need these things. And other people get along with me.

He also said once that I resent my child because I complained he spends too much on her at xmas and it means she doesn't appreciate what she has.

He showers us with monetary things but I find it too much often. When giving me clothes it was framed as because otherwise I would look like shit as I have no style. He said I smell, I don't bathe every single day, it's just not what I do, he says I have bad hygiene and can't take care of myself.

Why don't you share finances?

Well I make significantly less but overall I don't want to share finances. I lived a good while with my own money and I would rather not have a joint account. I may have trust issues? I just don't see a need to have one pot for money.

I don't want to be spending from a joint account when I can just spend from my own.

He never suggested it but he just says I can use his money for shopping but I prefer to use my own first.

He pays the bills and I pay some bills my budget allows.

I hope he has gone and stays gone - he is controlling and emotionally abusive. Read back what you have written - just because he is not violent like your ex doesn't mean the way he has treated you is ok.

But the thing is he called me emotionally abusive.

I have reacted in the past to the things he does that upset me, and if it were not for his bond with my child I would have broken up with him a long time ago to be honest.

I give him shit I guess, because of how he is, but it's still not okay. And he has outwardly called me emotionally abusive before but I think the reasons; silent treatment 'controlling the emotion of the house' with a mood - he does those exact things himself. He was very distant for two days after the previous argument, I felt it, it was palpable.

There's no trust there really, but if I say that he frames it as me being ungrateful.

I am confused. I don't want to paint him as an abuser, but yes, I do believe he should stay gone but he will still be in my child's life, and therefore mine, but maybe we just don't work in a relationship.

Just to check, is it just the one child you have? Who you now consider to also be his?

So he swanned into your live, made a quick bond with your child, moved into your social housing - benefiting from cheap overheads - happy for you to work, doesn’t want to that involved with the logistics of your child. I assume he also has you do all the housework? Believes he is in charge and insults you.

Because he buys you nice things sometimes and a holiday once a year I assume he thinks job that’s his end of the deal done.

It does sound controlling.

What he does is called DARVO - look it up.

He's abusive, do not take him back.

I assume he also has you do all the housework? Believes he is in charge and insults you. - this yes.

Child? He has been a very very good dad to her and is lovely to her and is actually very good with children in general and has parented her very, very well. I learned from him so this is where I feel inadequate.

I feel controlled. That's one thing I know, and I suppose that's all that matters to some degree because whether that's my issue or his it's still an issue.

Yes my one biological child. He wants to have another. All I can think is how he would be with a child who was biologically his and how controlling he would be around that.

OP, you need to get rid of this man. There are so many red flags here. He is absolutely emotionally abusing you.

He's also gaslighting you - acting as if you're the one at fault. Clearly, nobody is perfect and we can all be a dick at times, but jeez, asking a grown man to bring down dishes or wipe their feet is not controlling or abusive. He is 100% trying to control you - the money, the comments about parenting, the discouraging you from working, calling you 'crazy' when you are clearly nothing of the sort, calling you horrible names. Awful.

Thank you. I know I'm not crazy but I do feel I've "been a dick" but it is in response to just some basic requests around housekeeping I make of him.

Basically I'm more than happy to do all the housework but only ask he picks up after himself. Like don't leave cereal box open or crumbs on the side because, just why do that? It means I have to go into any room he's been in to ensure things are put back, which sounds small but takes time out of my day.

Insults? Well these are not outward but more negativity around things I do. He has made it very clear he believes I could not cope on my own which in turn makes me afraid that he will try to paint this picture if we break up, which means I haven't broken up with him before because I have some paranoia around losing control of my child, which have only materialised since being with him.

He believes that he is the better parent. He said 'that child is all me, I've raised her'

But also his parenting has had a very positive impact on her, and her behaviour and the fact she is a very well behaved and lovely child. And I can't say I would have achieved the same had I been alone because I can't know.

He puts my intelligence down a lot and says he is smarter than me. If I confront him on anything he says he was winding me up. I ask him why he wants to wind up the person he loves and he just says because it's funny.

God he is awful. Don't let him back and disregard all the names/things he has called you. That's what abusive people do.

Hi OP it sounds to me like you have swapped one abusive partner for another abusive partner. It is not always easy to spot abuse so we'll done for recognising it and kicking him out. Don't let him back in. He sounds like a nightmare. Have you heard of the freedom programme. I think it is supposed to give you the tools to spot red flags in relationships and can be really helpful. I have seen it recommended on here a lot. Well done for staying strong and don't feel guilty about kicking him out. It is your house and your child and he is not in charge of it.

He sounds controlling and abusive too. You are right to not allow him back. You are perfectly capable of caring for your child and yourself. You did it before he came along and babies are hard to deal with. Give yourself a pat on the back OP and stick to your guns.

I haven't kicked him out.

He told me outright on the phone that he was in charge and I took a real issue with this, we had already been having a disagreement.

I told him we are a team and it's not acceptable for him to say that to me. He said he was joking then made some more light-hearted jokes around it so I just said okay well I'm making sure you know I won't be made to feel subordinate to you.

When he came home he gave me the silent treatment and when I asked why he called me a crazy cow. Told me to 'go on your little group and tell them how awful I am'

Then I said this isn't going to work we are over.

He took off his wedding ring and said 'here you go, this is what you want' and told me I'm the most difficult person to get along with in the world and am insane.

I asked him about his living here because I will need to use universal credit while I get myself sorted (already looking for a second job) and he said fine and he would have somewhere to go, don't worry.

I messaged him to let him know I won't be kicking him out, he pays the rent and bills, and he works from home and it's not easy finding a place to live.

I also said I did not want to argue and hoped we could discuss things calmly. He wrote back "sure no probs" and that was it.

He was meant to be coming home tonight but I'm unsure of his plans. He has not communicated with me outside of that one response.

I don't want hostility. I want to genuinely deal with things. I do think I would be better on my own, a better parent, less stressed, and his family are also very lovely and I want them to have their relationship with my child also.

It's a little more complicated than simply kicking him and never seeing him or his family again. There are members of his family I am very close to.

I was out of work when leaving my ex so only had to concentrate on my baby. I fed her and cared for her and she was a happy baby who I was happy to spend all my time with.

I did the freedom programme when I left my ex, hilarious really because my husband displayed all the good things about a man, but then this stuff just niggled at me, the controlling, insulting, always maintaining a superiority and accusing me of doing the same.

Perhaps he is projecting his insecurities around the fact our child is not biologically his, but I never lorded over him that fact and I welcomed his input and involvement.

I don't know if this is part of the pattern, well, I mean I do, but in bed he is one of those 'you're a slut' types who wants to call me a whore and things which I am not really into to be honest.

He is abusive and is gaslighting you.

I was out of work when leaving my ex so only had to concentrate on my baby. I fed her and cared for her and she was a happy baby who I was happy to spend all my time with.

This is why your DD is a happy lovely child, not because of him. Those early months are the most crucial for healthy attachment.

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He has been a very very good dad to her and is lovely to her and is actually very good with children in general and has parented her very, very well. I learned from him so this is where I feel inadequate.

Sounds like he has created your feelings of inadequacy through gaslighting. There are lots of other sources you can learn about parenting, and you may learn that there are approaches better for your DD than his. It will certainly be in your DD’s long term interests to get away from this man.

How to Talk So Kids will Listen is an amazing book, as is Hunt, Gather, Parent. The Janet Lansbury website is great. If you separate, hope you find some good support for yourself and your child going through this big upheaval. And be wary of him/his family influencing her perceptions of what’s happening.

Thank you very much. I actually have that book and have read some of it. The listen so kids will talk one.

He does really assert that I'm not as good a parent as him, and that alone is very off. He acts like without him I couldn't do it.

I have lots of support and don't actually feel sad about him not being here. I'm just working out what's gone on. It all came to me when he asserted himself like that the other night, for the first time in our relationship I told him he was out of order instead of apologising for me being out of order, and that was his reaction. This is the worst reaction he's had from our whole relationship.

OP STOP. Stop talking and do something. Change the locks would be a good one but preferably when he is out

@sorrycanthearyou just stop overthinking this. He's is completely in the wrong and even if he wasn't, you are allowed to end the relationship whenever you like. You don't need a whole justification (even though you are clearly justified!).

I'm willing to bet he's not the great role model to your child you think he is. He's not her dad and is abusive to her mum - if she doesn't see this now she will eventually.

You can be better on your own.

He has come back and seems to be acting like nothing has happened.

What do you want to happen next?

Do you feel safe right now?

I feel safe but I don't want this relationship. I know it's a lot to throw away and I feel very bad about it all but end of the day I do just want my life back.

He isn't mentioning things, which makes sense as daughter is here, but he has also done a couple of things he would never normally do, like being overly nice doing the things he knows I like, such as asking if there is bread then just going the shop for some cause I said no. And putting his laundry in the correct basket which before he denied all knowledge that lights and darks were different things.

You really need to adjust your perceptions of what counts as ‘overly nice’!!! Perhaps some therapeutic work on your own self-worth is in order.

Good luck with this big transition. Don’t overthink it just do it. ❤️