Im being blamed instead of cheating guy

[Missingboi]

Would like some perspective on the situation so here it goes

Im in my mid twenties

Back in my early college days I met this guy. We hit it off straight away, we was "dating" according to him until I found out he had a gf. Any ways years later we started a fwb relationship until he got a serious gf. Then a yr into this serious relationship he tried to talk to me about meeting up. After years of his crap and hating being used on the side I blocked him. But a whole 6/7 years later and he was still trying to reach out to me and send friend requests on any media platform he could.

When did this didnt work he used mutual friends to try and contact me. I had to block them too. He then messaged me saying he knew about my dc (through a friends account) so I spoke to him as I found it unsettled he knew somehow, i never post dc online. It made me feel uneasy as the only people who should know about dc are close people in my life.

So as I started talking to him of course it got quickly inappropriate, asking me if I ever liked him and flirting ect. I shut it down and didnt engage. He wanted to meet and told me I could go to his. Every day he was messaging me, trying to call me, sending me pictures. Eventually after I realised how he knew about dc i cut him off. Although since I spoke to him he has persisted in trying to come back into my life permanently.

But here is the thing. I have a close gf who knows of him and is also a good friend to his long term gf. So I decided to tell her after she declared this guy and his gf are "happily still together" and her response threw me. She blamed me for even talking to him and allowing the door to be open. I reminded her I did nothing wrong and shut down all advances. I was telling my friend because if I was the other girl I would want someone to do that for me. I didnt expect that she necessarily rang the gf up there and then to disclose it all but I wasn't expected to be blamed for his actions, well that's how it felt anyways. I was not the one in the wrong. My dp knows of this guy and the fact that I allowed him communication to find out why he was so desperately trying to get through to me and keep an eye on my life. I told said friend this but she just couldn't see past my apparent wrong doings in the situation which was talking to him again and completely disregarded his cheating advances in the mean time and fixated on that instead.

So who is bu here? I haven't spoken to my dfriend since because I feel weird about her reaction trying to pointing the finger ay me. But maybe Im being too sensitive about it?

Sounds like you enjoy the drama.
If you didn't want him to contact you then you should have blocked him. Simple!

Just block him he sounds like a weirdo anyway.

But your friend shouldn't be blaming you. It's not your fault he's a crazy cheat. She's weird for saying that, does she like him?

@ZekeZeke hardly....
I just found it bloody creepy that he knew personal info about my life that limited people knew. In fact i felt it was abit violating so I wanted to know what his game with for my peace of mind. But after that I didnt entertain him. I cant see how im the bad guy for that yet his sleaxy arse gets excused?

You and home have both been carrying on this drama far longer than necessary.

*him not home

@Aprilx really not. I just want to be left alone by him. But i feel like my "part to play in it" o say loosely because I've done nothing is overshadowing the fact that he is a cheat and a d!ck.

When I highlighted this to my friend she almost defended him saying he doesnt mean it like that and that the two are a good match.

I felt like she was saying im the problem instead of him

I highly doubt i am the only one he tries this with

You've friends in common so not that creepy that he knew you had dc. A bit mixed messages opening up communication again so I've gone with yabu.

Just block him. If he’s harassing you and you feel unsettled by him knowing about your DC then why on earth have you not contacted the police? It sounds like stalking.

@RedHelenB the friends in common dont know about dc. Only my close gf does but she knew and hadnt told him. So yes weird. He also kept asking me where I lived. I just felt it was almost stalkerish. I have no inclination to know of his life. So i dont know how or why hs is trying to know mine

She’s a shitty feminist and an even worse friend, that would be the end of the friendship for me.

You aren't responsible for his actions, but you seem to like the drama.

Unless the dc is his I don't know why you felt the need to get in touch with him. You feel violated because an old acquaintance knows you have a dc?

It does sound like you enjoy a bit of drama just a little bit too much and your friend is picking up on this.

@Survey99 because ive made an effort to keep dcs existence of the internet. Even family don't post dc. So if some guy from my past knows I would like to know how. Don't quite get what you don't understand about that

The problem here is that you have written it entirely from your own perspective.

From people you know, they may view very differently.

Then you may not know what they have been told from someone else.

You have people in common, so I don’t know the desperate need to know how he knew you had kids. I know people who haven’t spoke to since school but we have mutual friends so would know if they got married or has kids or something else happen.

He sounds creepy. But I can see how it’s come across as though you engages because you may like the attention and drama. You knew this man for years. You knew what he was like and re-engaged and carries on engaging, even though you shut him down when he crossed a line.

Also depends on what your reaction to hearing they were still together was. If you looked gutted that might have ripped her off there was more to this.

It’s one of those situations where everyone’s view will be different. He is a creep. Stay away from him.

Your friends don’t know you have a child?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You should have blocked him a long time ago. But better late than never. It does sound like stalking so I'd be tempted to wait for the next attempt at contact then reply with I do not want to hear from you. Any further contact will be reported to the police. Take screenshots of all messages and keep them somewhere safe.

He obviously sees you as easy as you've slept with him before without any strings so he sees his chance to stay in a serious relationship but have casual sex with someone who doesn't expect any commitment.
He was persistent because to him that's an ideal situation.
You don't want his advances so block him and get on with your life.

I know a few of my exes have dc, just through the usual fleeting chit chat with past acquaintances and it is likely many people I haven't spoke to for years know I have dc. It is completely normal unless you hide your children from the entire world which is not healthy for you or them.

What is not normal is him contacting you or you being dramatic about having to know how he knows you have a dc. It takes two people to keep inappropriate communication like this going. Just block him and stop the drama.

I know people with dc who never mention them on sm. They haven't told me they have dc.
Yet, I have seen them from a distance in the supermarket, in a restaurant, at a wedding etc.
Unless you live in a fortress and have no interaction with the outside world, other people will see you out and about and will know these things without you or your friends telling anyone.
I don't find it at all suspicious that he would know these things, he may well have seen you.

Of course he can find out about your dc if you have mutual friends. Even if you think the mutual friends didn't know you have dc, people do talk!

I voted YANBU because you have done nothing wrong. But I would say that you should have kept him blocked throughout, so I agree with your friend there.

Maybe your friend realised you wanted her to be a messenger to her friend about him and realised that that's putting her in a difficult position.

It’s not normal to want to keep the existence of your dc a secret from friends. Why would you want to do that ?
Your mistake was wanting to know how he knew you had had a dc, because that’s not normal either…..happy news spreads among friend groups and communities.
If you really aren’t interested in him then you will be happy to block him on everything and ignore your friend. And forget about it all and move on.
Only you know if you are wanting to keep this going or not and it seems to me you sort of did.

So go on. How DID he find out about your state secrets DC?

I feel like I should clarify these mutual "friends" are acquaintances. I may have been close to them 7 yrs ago but not anymore so to all those snarky pps yes my "friends" dont know. I have about 3 close friends that know and I have a relationship with.

I few weeks ago I found out an old friends husband had died, we had all hung about together in our 20s. I had also heard in passing conversations over the years they had got married and had a son who I guess is in his mid 20s now and she had gone to uni and was now a social worker - I didn't seek out this information, but it was nice to hear how she was (obviously not nice about her dhs death). I haven't spoken to either of them in nearly 30 years, just happened to bump into someone whom I also hadn't seen for decades and also knew them and delivered a parcel to their door!

Unless you have sworn your 3 close friends to complete secrecy about your dc and make sure you don't get seen with them in public, then more than 3 people will know of their existence, people do have conversations about other people who have been in their life and communities. It is completely normal.

It is not normal to contact someone, you profess to want no contact with, to ask how they know your dc exist unless you are seeking out drama or attention.