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Original poster

The angels brought you

34 replies

Shelovestosingthatsong · 12/09/2022 23:15

I waited years to have Dd, now 4, she was an ivf baby after many losses and was a miracle really.
When she was a bit younger, she was interested in when she was in my tummy etc, as they are. She asked how I got there and I said that mummy and daddy waited for a long time for her and wished for her and the angels brought her. I was probably speaking emotionally at the time and it seemed a simple, sweet way to explain it.
My Dm and Dh have since acted like I shouldn’t have said it, when she’s sort of asked again, I’ve said when a mummy and daddy love each other, they wish for a baby and if they are lucky, they have one…that sort of thing. She prefers to say the angels brought her and smiles when she says it…is it ok I said that? 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m being made to geek it kind of isn’t…obviously as she gets older it will become more age appropriate etc.
My mum also seems to want to go into more detail about death when Dd brings up her grandad dying (Dh’s dad-she never met him but he tells her about him fairly often) whereas if she asks I keep it simpler and she seems quite happy with the response and moves on to the next thing. Do we really need my dm trying to give more detailed explanations? I actively said to her to please not to and she said along the lines of I’m too soft and need to prelate her for life…yes, but at 4?! Can’t we keep them innocent as long as possible, is there anything wrong with that 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelovestosingthatsong · 12/09/2022 23:18

*Being made to feel it kind of isn’t
*Prepare her for life

OP posts:
SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 12/09/2022 23:20

Your DM is being weird. People used to talk about storks and cabbage patches ffs. Why is saying an angel any worse than that? Maybe she associates angels more with death and it makes her feel uncomfortable but it’s not really her business how you and DD talk about her conception and birth.

Angels are a beautiful motif and it makes sense for anyone who imagines angels at all to think that they are there before life on earth, as well as after.

Bukhara · 12/09/2022 23:29

I don’t see the need for all the fluff, regardless of whether it was an assisted or unassisted pregnancy. DS certainly knew about the basic mechanics of sex at that age, and that same-sex friends had help conceiving. No storks, cabbage patches, angels necessary.

keeprunning55 · 12/09/2022 23:37

She’s your dd and you can raise her as you like. I love the idea of angels being there from her birth. I wouldn’t leave it too much longer before you explain ivf-if you feel you need to. Children quickly pick up and hear all sorts at school. Some parents clearly talk to their dc like you have, whilst others are very matter a fact about things.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/09/2022 23:39

I wouldn’t worry about it

but by 7 she needs to know the basics, and also basics of IVF

Original poster
Shelovestosingthatsong · 12/09/2022 23:45

@keeprunning55 @Luredbyapomegranate Will she really need to know all the details of ivf though? It’s such a common thing now, Dh and I just needed some help 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelovestosingthatsong · 12/09/2022 23:46

@Bukhara The fluff 🤣

How did you tell the basic mechanics to a 4 year old?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 12/09/2022 23:49

Shelovestosingthatsong · 12/09/2022 23:45

@keeprunning55 @Luredbyapomegranate Will she really need to know all the details of ivf though? It’s such a common thing now, Dh and I just needed some help 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes because when you explain how babies are made in a couple years, you are going to have to explain that she came via a more exiting route.

Just look up a simple explanation- but also I bet there are kids books that cover this.

IncessantNameChanger · 12/09/2022 23:50

My 8 year old says she was born in the wild I was induced early in hospital but she's happy with her version which is fine. She knows how baby come out. She finds that version extremely distressing and it upsets her. So why upset them at a young age?

whingewhinge · 12/09/2022 23:51

@Luredbyapomegranate - why do you feel the child needs to know about the IVF?

UndertheCedartree · 12/09/2022 23:56

Well, I think it is up to you. But I didn't realise people still said things like that. Does she know you actually gave birth to her or think angels just delivered her to your house? I'd just be worried other DC might laugh at that idea at school and unintentionally upset her. You can tell them the truth in an age appropriate way, it doesn't equal 'the loss of innocence'.

StillWeRise · 12/09/2022 23:56

Do you have a coherent theology around this OP? Because when you start making stuff up you will quickly hit inconsistencies - I'm sure there are religious people who have a clear line on what angels do and don't do- but if you don't have any actual substance to your storytelling it will quickly fall apart when your DD asks more questions (or hears a different lot of stories about angels) and she will wonder why you are lying to her.
What have you said to her about death? I do hope you didn't talk about falling asleep.

Original poster
Shelovestosingthatsong · 13/09/2022 00:01

@UndertheCedartree Yes, this is my worry, I said it when younger and as a sort of emotional response, but I worry about others and her adamantly believing it/saying it to others…how to I gently move it on but not denying that, if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelovestosingthatsong · 13/09/2022 00:02

@StillWeRise That we go to heaven…to be fair, she hasn’t probed lots about this and this was in the car and I had to think quickly. So hard what to say without scaring/upsetting her

OP posts:
Testina · 13/09/2022 00:03

whingewhinge · 12/09/2022 23:51

@Luredbyapomegranate - why do you feel the child needs to know about the IVF?

Why not? When my IVFer started asking how babies are made, it all got talked about at the same time. This is the “natural” way, but daddy has funny shaped and slow sperm and mummy didn’t have many good quality eggs - so this is how we got some help... it’s fascinating stuff! We used to joke that she was so independent because the first 5 days of her “life” she was just growing away in a dish in a hospital down the road… she loved hearing about it.

Original poster
Shelovestosingthatsong · 13/09/2022 00:05

She also said ‘I wonder how he died’ and I said he got older and sick and she said ‘One day daddy will get older and sick and die’ 😢I mean, what do you say to that? She wasn’t upset, just sort of stating it matter of factly

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 13/09/2022 00:06

Shelovestosingthatsong · 13/09/2022 00:01

@UndertheCedartree Yes, this is my worry, I said it when younger and as a sort of emotional response, but I worry about others and her adamantly believing it/saying it to others…how to I gently move it on but not denying that, if that makes sense

Well, I'd probably explain that the angels put her into your tummy and then when she was big enough you gave birth to her. When mine were that age I just said I pushed them out of my tummy and they came out between my legs.

Testina · 13/09/2022 00:07

I think the truth about how our bodies work - at whatever age appropriate level - is far more interesting than random stuff about angels.
Does she still bring it up?
I’d explain it properly, you can always say that having extra help made it feel like angels brought her. (though I’d be dropping the angels but myself)

Testina · 13/09/2022 00:10

Shelovestosingthatsong · 13/09/2022 00:05

She also said ‘I wonder how he died’ and I said he got older and sick and she said ‘One day daddy will get older and sick and die’ 😢I mean, what do you say to that? She wasn’t upset, just sort of stating it matter of factly

You say, “actually most people don’t get sick - they die peacefully at a very old age, much older than you, much older than mummy and daddy, after a long life of fun. When they die we don’t get to see them any more, but we keep them with us by remembering all our lovely memories of them.”
Just meet it head on. She’s 4 and does - so you as an adult can too!

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/09/2022 00:10

Shelovestosingthatsong · 13/09/2022 00:05

She also said ‘I wonder how he died’ and I said he got older and sick and she said ‘One day daddy will get older and sick and die’ 😢I mean, what do you say to that? She wasn’t upset, just sort of stating it matter of factly

Well she’s right isn’t she?!

So you just say - yes darling but not for years and years till you are grown up And probably have children of your own, to head off any worries.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/09/2022 00:12

whingewhinge · 12/09/2022 23:51

@Luredbyapomegranate - why do you feel the child needs to know about the IVF?

Because it’s the story of how she came to be, same as if she were adopted/surrogate etc (but happily much less fraught, just cool.)

saraclara · 13/09/2022 00:13

Stuff about angels makes me cringe I'm afraid.

My kids knew this stuff early because they kept picking up the age appropriate body books when we went to the library and demanding I read them! It made the whole thing so much easier with a really good book available to them in the same way that their other story and non-fiction books are. (Calre Rayner's Body Book anyone?!)

Stage 1 is for her to know a bit about where babies come from, and at some later point you can go into how she was made in a very special and different way. but she needs to know about the mormal way first.

I'm sure there are now loads of good boooks about bodies and babies these days. Back when mine were little, Clare Rayner's was all we had (and some of my friends looked at me askance when I got them for my eldest at four or five back then). Fortunately three decades later, it's standard stuff.

saraclara · 13/09/2022 00:17

When mine were that age I just said I pushed them out of my tummy and they came out between my legs.

At two, my eldest asked those questions when her baby sister came along. It was pretty simple to give those same answers and she was perfectly comfortable with them.
I'd like to think that these days we can be ope and matter of fact stright from the off. Toddler science is much preferable to storks and angels imo.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 13/09/2022 00:20

I don't think being heaven-sent is that rare a metaphor is it?

As long as she knows that she grew in your tummy from a mixture of you and her daddy (with some help from Mr X and the nurses at the hospital if you want to start adding that) and doesn't think she literally got dropped off by an angel then I don't see there's much harm in it.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 13/09/2022 00:21

Or Mrs X, sorry to female consultants!