To think it’s so unfair my family are useless

[Familywhatfamily]

I’m 35 and now I have my own dc, Im starting to realise just how unlucky I am with regards to my extended family. My “dad” lane saw me when I was 1 and lives 5 miles away but has no interest in me. He remarried and had 2 children and they are also uninterested. My mother is what I would consider an acquaintance- happy to have a coffee with me but only likes superficial chitchat, not interested in talking about any problems I may have. Although she frequently tells me how she has “so many problems, but I keep them to myself”.

She never sees her grandchildren (also lives local) and I feel I have no one to turn to sometimes. Luckily I have a supportive DH and a few good friends.

I have a brother and sister who again live local but neither have children and I guess this explains why they have no interest in having any relationship with me or their nieces.

I hear from friends how grandparents and uncles/aunts spend time with them and it makes me feel so sad. I’m going through a stressful time right now and I really wish I had a mum or dad I could talk to.

Unfortunately my DH has no siblings and his parents live a few hundred miles away and haven’t seem their grandchildren in 8 years!! DH always mentions visiting his parents so they can all catchup but they never want to commit to a date -they’re not interested.

I feel I’ve got a double whammy of bad luck - my family aren’t interested in me and my children and neither are DH’s and I can’t help but think what bad luck for me, DH and our children.

Feeling really sad about it today possibly because my DH made a joke about if only we could pay some people to be grandparents ☹️

I'm sure there are isolated older people out there who would adore being grandparents! Not sure how you'd find them, tbh, maybe Age UK or someone like that could help?

That sounds really hard. Some good news though: https://www.adoptagrandparent.org.uk

I am in a similar position, no parents( NC due to abuse), no siblings. My DC have no relatives, their dad passed away.
My middle DD at the wise age of 16, said 'families have to start somewhere and ours starts with us, they can't all be 100s of years old'
She's right, we can't all have extended families, we're a tight knit family and we have good friendships.
Don't expect anything of your 'family' make the most of what you and your DH and DC share.

I'm sorry to hear that

I know it's twee, but try to put aside the people who don't know your value and nurture the relationships with the family and friends who love you, namely your DH, kids and friends. Make these your extended family as well.

As for your brother and sister, keep them close but note their behaviour. Don't be used for childcare when your kids are older and they have young kids.

@OnaBegonia That's a nice way of looking at it. Her positive outlook will take her a long way.

Our PIL have passed away. My dp are hundreds of miles away and are not so bothered either. Why are you wasting time having coffee with someone that isn't interested in you? I would cut back the coffees with your mother and spend more time with friends that are genuinely interested and care about you. It is a better investment quite frankly.

Build a strong network where you live, lots of lovely friends will go a long way in making this easier to bear. Yes there are many of us without support, without family but we are also without obligation and all that brings. Try and embrace the freedom and let go of any expectations. They are never going to be the parents you wish they were, but you can make the difference with your own children op. You can be there for them and enjoy your GC when they come. Your life will get bigger as they grow older, your parents will have no one to blame but themselves when they are lonely into old age. Invest in people that care about you and dc.

It was the same for me - a very small uninterested extended family. I also had just one DC. I was ruthless in asking any and every kid over for a play date, so teatime and weekends the house was often full of kids and, over time I became friends with their parents and created my own community.

This is hard OP. I have similar in the sense my entire family are abroad. It's probably easier in that they've not chosen not to be close to us, but practically it's difficult. I think sometimes it gets easier with acceptance that this is just what it is. There's nothing you can do, and it sucks, but that is how it is and you will need to find a way to make it work for you.

I find building a network of friends - for yourself and your kids - is quite handy in overcoming some of the practical and emotional challenges.

That sounds very disappointing. Sorry.

I am sorry. It's hard and often feels unfair that you ended up with the family that doesn't care. Some people, like those grandparents probably didn't enjoy being parents themselves and as soon as they could shelve that responsibility, they have done so. I don't really have any words of wisdom, as I'm dealing with the same and are looking at giving birth alone next year as nobody wants to look after our 2 DC. I'm going to focus on building friendships so we can make our own community.

This was my life growing up. Had family, some not that far away but never saw them. I've still got cousins I've never met and don't know the names of!

It was lonely. Your DC's have each other at least. Just make extra effort to invite other people over/ have playdates.

That's crap...my own parents are dead and my mil is the most disinterested grandparent ever. I also got double bad luck!

My mother is my childhood abuser, my dad's dead, my sister has no kids and her dh hides upstairs if we rarely visit. Mil comes across as a narcissist and fil is is disinterested as anyone could be in anything. Stands by saying nothing when step mil slapped ds round the face when he was 3 years old.

The only mercy is that when they get old and ill there's no guilt that there's no closeness. I had to spell out to my sister that I will never, ever, ever, ever be my mum's carer. I still think my sister thinks as I have kids I will become mums carer.

Only interested when I'm needed? No fuck that thanks.

It is very unfair and sad. I’m in a similar boat. Like others say, you have to be quite intentional about making friends and keeping in touch, although that can be difficult too as people tend to prioritise family above friends.

Constant grieving process really - acknowledging that it hurts and is unfair and sad. Letting it hurt and flow through me then picking myself up to try and get those normal human needs for attention, affection, intimacy etc met with other people who are more able to meet them. Therapy has helped me a lot. I’ve learned over time not to reach out to my family because they’re simply incapable of being there for me, but it will always leave a hole. The hole kind of gets smaller and less deeply painful over time as my life away from my family grows.

Fabulous post.

My family situation is similar and I would completely agree with your DDs very wise sentiments. I’m lucky we have 2 fab sister in laws as well whom we love dearly but DH’s parents have been no picnic either thanks to FIL’s abuse and MIL enabling. Building a healthy family going forward is the important bit. I also have a fantastic therapist I see every 6 weeks or so. Best money ever spent.

Just look after your own family and extend it through friendships.

If your Dsis's have babies they'll be around looking for advice and help.

My middle DD at the wise age of 16, said 'families have to start somewhere and ours starts with us, they can't all be 100s of years old' Beautiful positive mindset.

Yes, it is like a constant grieving process. I know I need to let the anger go but when it’s constantly rammed in your face about how other people have family & grandparents who actually take pleasure in their children and their lives it’s hard.

Like today I had to go for an X-ray and I asked my mother if she could pick up her granddaughter from school. This was a one off and I was desperate - DH had a work meeting he couldn’t get out of. She said no. Yet she doesn’t work and spends most of her time relaxing at home! Very upsetting.

My brother and sister are both single with no children in their forties. They have no interest in me or their nieces. We see them once a year at Christmas. I’ve given up trying with them tbh.

Like today I had to go for an X-ray and I asked my mother if she could pick up her granddaughter from school. This was a one off and I was desperate - DH had a work meeting he couldn’t get out of. She said no. Yet she doesn’t work and spends most of her time relaxing at home! Very upsetting

That's so mean. Remember that when she's old and infirm and needs your help.

It sounds tough, but as PP have said you can make your friends your family, so have people in your life who you choose and who choose to be in it; they're often way more interested than blood/legal relations.

Also, on the flip side, as your parents / PIL get older they're likely to need more help and support. Often it's the children who have supportive parents who end up being carers for their parents; spending years or even decades in that role. So please don't think the support traffic is all one-way.

You will obviously feel no obligation to care for your parents as they get older as you just don't have that supportive family relationship and at that point you may find many of your peers are envious of your unshackled life in comparison to theirs.

Just to show solidarity really. My parents, grandparents and sister are close. But not my cousins, ex's family have never bothered with us either and I don't plan on any more children. There's younger kids in the extended family who show no interest in us. I hope my DS can settle down and have a couple of kids when he's older. I don't want him alone when I die.

OP I totally get it.

My new born was in the back of an ambulance unable to breathe (we later found out she had severe asthma) and we didn't know if she would make it. I called my parents to collect my other child as she was terrified and we were dealing with the doctors and my baby, and my dad said 'no, mum had a cold'.....

I knew then, at that moment, the two people I should be able to count on in the world could never be relied on to help - not even in a dire emergency like that they were never going to step up. Not only that but the complete lack of care, love for their own baby grandchildren was really quite evident. I was quietly and silently furious - the type of anger difficult put into words. It burnt through me for months.

In fact it was one of many many examples of being totally let down by them.

I did the following shortly afterwards:

I sourced a very local babysitter/mothers help that I could rely on in an emergency and used her a lot as someone to babysit/look after dc so they knew and trusted her. I appreciate you might not have the funds for that, but it was cheap enough for a few hours a week, and she was lovely! And so good with the dc

We made a short list of friends that could be called and were there for us, and invested heavily into that friendship and we all helped each other

We knew never ever to ask them for help again, there was no point

I established a plan A, B and C for all eventualities.

I got to know my neighbours well (as it turns out we help them a lot, but I am happy to, they are great)

I stopped seeing my dp as much - went low contact - and spent more time with people that loved us properly

We became properly independent, managed all of our problems ourselves. We used all sorts of things, after school care, activities, baby sitters etc to manage - and we did.

Dc are now teens, they really are capable of caring for themselves now, and have zero relationship with gps. My mum always laments that she doesn't have a close bond with them, but she didn't earn it. She didn't put in the work, love and time with them when they were young, so they are hardly going to waste their young lives doting on indifferent grandparents.

Grandparents day, christmas etc are all hard with families like ours, but I comfort myself that dh and I are there for them. We are devoted and loving parents, they don't really need anything else.

Perhaps tell your friends your parents are checked out, and it hurts so much to hear how lovely other people's families are, they will be much more sensitive then.

I think the general advice is to stay away from newborns if you have a cold so that it isn't passed to the baby. Just a thought...