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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t seem to let her go

38 replies

Stormisonitsway · 12/09/2022 11:04

Dd, 4 has just started school and I’m really struggling.
I had her later in life due to years of fertility struggles, I worked full time since leaving university and then became a Sahm when she was born.
I did everything completely differently to the way I thought I would.
It’s been bloody hard at times and I’ve craved a break, but it’s also been amazing. We’ve done everything together, been to so many places, had our little groups of friends, days out, activities, days at home etc.
I would never show to her how I feel, but last night I was awake at 1 am just remembering her being a babe and all the afternoon naps and visits to libraries and the beach when all was quiet.
I know I probably sound ridiculous and pathetic. When all my friends have been saying they couldn’t wait and thank god etc, I just laugh along, but really I wish I could have a couple more years or do it all again.
Maybe it’s because I can’t have anymore and won’t do this again.
I am sentimental person, I never thought I’d be a mum like this and now understand the softer mums I used to see.
I really need to get a grip now, don’t I

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormisonitsway · 12/09/2022 11:06

Need to stop crying about it and just move on, does anyone feel the same? Is there something wrong with me to get *This upset?

OP posts:
Sophfreddie · 12/09/2022 11:08

No, nothing wrong with you! It's OK to be sad <3

Choconut · 12/09/2022 11:09

I think it's really hard when you've been a SAHM and then they go to school - it's a big adjustment. But you just need to give it a bit of time. Plan some special things to do after school, she might be very tired to start with so can be simple like a snack and a snuggle with a story. Get all the chores done in the week so when it comes to the weekend you can really make the most of it. Plan some lovely things for Christmas and holidays to look forward to. I promise it gets much easier with time.

Chocolatespreadknife · 12/09/2022 11:14

Separation can be difficult. Change can be difficult. It’s ok to feel this way. You are both entering a new phase of your journey together. You won’t always feel this sad about it, but it’s ok to sit with your feelings for now. Parenting is constant adjustment and discovery. Hugs to you.

Igmum · 12/09/2022 11:19

I was like this when DD started nursery. Wanted desperately to snatch her back then, when home, stared mournfully out of the window like a pointer dog in the direction of the nursery. It's totally normal. You are designed to care for and protect them and your hormones will be all over the place (my DD was happy as Larry there).

It does pass. I spent ages preparing tons of food for her and sorting out her things in the early days. Then I was back to work which also helped.

Sending love OP. It's normal. Get to know some of the school mums and grab a nice coffee.

Original poster
Stormisonitsway · 12/09/2022 11:30

@Igmum Yes, I’m a bit like that too…I mean, the peace is lovely, just the thought that this is it, we won’t do that again 😔even if she was there part time it’s be easier

OP posts:
CampRedLeaf · 12/09/2022 11:36

It's understandable in your circumstances particularly. Sone of it is probably grief at not having another.

I often feel sad that the baby days with my kids are over. I don't know why, but i felt particularly sad when they went back to school this summer. But I also look forwards to all of the time we will have together in the future. I enjoy watching them grown and spread their wings.

Start focusing on yourself and something that you can have and do just for you outside of being a mother. It will become easier.

IncessantNameChanger · 12/09/2022 11:37

I felt the same. I love the summers off with my kids too. I don't feel relieved when term starts again either.

This will pass. I hate change too, but keep reminding yourself that change has to happen. New things also mean new experiences.

It gives me comfort that my kidsxare happy with these changes. Also that my job is raise a strong independent person into adulthood.

I have had lots of tears when my 18 year old finished his A levels as it really marked the end of his childhood. But he was always going to grow up one day. He's turned into a very intelligent person so I guess it's turned out ok

SummerHouse · 12/09/2022 11:43

There's probably an element of you processing that this is your only child and that is circumstance rather than choice and that's huge to come to terms with. Just give yourself time. Then enjoy this.

Laiste · 12/09/2022 11:44

YANBU at all Flowers

I felt the same with each of mine going off to reception and i've got 4 !! I feel it again at secondary school time 🙄

My no.4 (now 8) was, like you, a 'later in life' baby (first 3 were v early in life!) and like you this time around i was a SAHM too.

Feels very quiet and weird in the house doesn't it? Well, here are some comforting thoughts:

  1. After a few days 9 till 3 will start to bloody FLY BY. Seriously, get busy in the morning and it'll be 2 o'clock and too late to start anything 'cos it's nearly pick up time before you know it!
  2. There are ALOT of school hols, weekends, and training days in a year. You'll really enjoy the holls :)
  3. I find the time they get in from school really nice. Milk and a couple of biscuits and a time to sit down and have a cuddle and a chat about their day. Help them unwind. It's a brand new thing for the two of you and you can make it quite special.

Every mile stone which signifies their growing independence is always tinged with a bit of pain. You want them to grow up and fly free, and it's what we all want for out DCs, they're only on loan. But it's hard to stand and smile and watch them go 😫

It's early days OP. Give yourself another week and it will be easier.

Sheilathegreat · 12/09/2022 11:46

Op you sounds like a lovely mum and like you've made the most of the first four years of your DD's life. This is a new chapter and that can be hard hard but you will come to love hearing about her day and marvelling at the little world she will be making all of her own with her friends and the new experiences she is having.

I won't be having any more and I too feel a pang over those baby years but when it happens I try to focus on the the exciting things to come. It's bitter sweet but it does get easier.

As others have said give yourself time and start to think about things you have time to do for yourself. Half-term will be here before you know it :)

TwoBoyMamma · 12/09/2022 11:47

I’ve just called my sons nursery he’s been there two hours & they say he’s fine it’s horrible to not be able to see them after 3 years of been with them all the time . You are not sad you are a mom and a good one at that :) xx

Purplemoons2827 · 12/09/2022 11:47

I totally understand and there isn’t anything wrong with you. My eldest has just started reception too, and I felt the same - but I have also got a 6 month old! So even with another I guess I still mourn the days when eldest were a baby. I actually came home from first drop off, looked at the play mat and started crying, pathetic I know! I have reminded myself though that we still have after school for parks or beach, weekends and then all the holidays (work depending of course!). But those moments aren’t gone!

AloysiusBear · 12/09/2022 11:50

I think you could be feeling this more intensely because you won't be doing it again, although being an SAHP I think you can end up with your children as all consuming focus - it's important to try and retain hobbies or work for yourself as a person.

When my eldest went to school I felt a little bit like this but still had youngest.

I do also think that it is less noticeable if they've gradually increased time away from you with a few hours at nursery or preschool which most kids do go to.

FlaminNoraPhyllis · 12/09/2022 11:52

I hear you.

I think this is normal, don't be hard on yourself x

Sorryexcuseme · 12/09/2022 11:53

One thing I really missed after mine started school was that I could only take them places after school or weekends which meant it would always be busy wherever we went! I've gotten used to it of course but i still miss that quiet time we had together.

mynameischloe · 12/09/2022 11:53

I hate it too.

You're not alone, OP. I miss them terribly. Even getting home unpacking the weekly food shop, as nice as it was to do the shop quietly, I miss them "helping me"... chatting to them etc etc.

It's a HARD adjustment but it does get easier. Could you go back to work? That has helped me.

mynameischloe · 12/09/2022 11:54

Sorryexcuseme · 12/09/2022 11:53

One thing I really missed after mine started school was that I could only take them places after school or weekends which meant it would always be busy wherever we went! I've gotten used to it of course but i still miss that quiet time we had together.

Definitely. And just having the freedom to go wherever we liked, not tied to weekends etc like you say.

Laiste · 12/09/2022 11:59

I dunno, i had jobs coming out of my ears (5 at the same time) when my big 3 were little and my life was one big jigsaw puzzle of working and parenting. But i felt it just as keenly when they each started school as i have with my fourth, as a SAHP.

Most of my friends have been the same. And some weren't sentimental about it at all ! I envied them.

PineappleWilson · 12/09/2022 12:00

I have 2 kids with a big age gap, so I was early 40s when I had my DD. My littley started school this time too. I completely get what you mean about mourning the loss of what you've had until now, but with my "parenting a teenager" hat on, I can tell you that, as she develops, you'll be able to move on with her to do new things - ride her bike, go swimming, watch her have friends round to play.

They are different, but as fulfilling, as the time you've already had together. You've given her a grand base for her start to school. Now hold your nerve and see where she takes you next.

Penguinfeather781 · 12/09/2022 12:02

I think it’s quite normal - I have two and I looked forward to them going to school, but the first few days are hard. The preschool years are a lovely season of life and it’s a big adjustment.

But you will have lots of opportunities still for beaches and libraries etc - they have lots of holiday to fill with activities and time together. The primary years are really rewarding- watching them learn to read for themselves, making their own friends, going on school trips… it’s a season with its own joy too.

I’d also recommend filling your time - and not just at home doing housework. If you’re not going back to work at the moment I’d look for opportunities to be social, do something for yourself and maybe volunteer somewhere. Get out of the house.

Phos · 12/09/2022 12:02

It's ok to be nostalgic, I miss our days together in the quiet too but I'll be honest crying about it and losing sleep does seem a bit much. I'm also a mum of an only.

GucciPearls · 12/09/2022 12:07

I felt like this OP, I felt like it was totally unfair my precious little girl was being taken away from me. It does get easier, it’s part and parcel of life.

cry if you need to, I hope you’re okay x

Rosehugger · 12/09/2022 12:13

It's understandable, especially if you have never left her with anyone. I think with DD1 I was mostly excited for her going to school as she was so ready for it. With DD2 I knew there wouldn't be this moment again so I was more emotional.

It's normal to feel sad and discombobulated whenever your kids move to the next stage- next thing is DD1 going away to university next year 😭- but again I'm so excited for her also. Parenting is like that - gradually they don't need us at all but every time they need us a bit less we feel slightly redundant and bereft, as well as happy for them. And you don't understand the attachment until you become a parent yourself.

MsTSwift · 12/09/2022 12:15

I didn’t think I was the sentimental type but when dd1 started I raced home and managed to hold it in then sobbed like I haven’t done since. Was fine when dd2 started weirdly - actually quite relieved.