I can’t seem to let her go

[Stormisonitsway]

Dd, 4 has just started school and I’m really struggling.
I had her later in life due to years of fertility struggles, I worked full time since leaving university and then became a Sahm when she was born.
I did everything completely differently to the way I thought I would.
It’s been bloody hard at times and I’ve craved a break, but it’s also been amazing. We’ve done everything together, been to so many places, had our little groups of friends, days out, activities, days at home etc.
I would never show to her how I feel, but last night I was awake at 1 am just remembering her being a babe and all the afternoon naps and visits to libraries and the beach when all was quiet.
I know I probably sound ridiculous and pathetic. When all my friends have been saying they couldn’t wait and thank god etc, I just laugh along, but really I wish I could have a couple more years or do it all again.
Maybe it’s because I can’t have anymore and won’t do this again.
I am sentimental person, I never thought I’d be a mum like this and now understand the softer mums I used to see.
I really need to get a grip now, don’t I

Thanks so much for all the kind comments, I can definitely see that a lot of it is to do with only having one, as unbelievably grateful as I am for her, I’d love to do it all again.
Miss my buddy! Can’t say it in real life (aside from to my mum, who completely gets it

She's going to be so excited to see you this afternoon. Plan a nice tea for her and a bath where she can tell you everything that's important to her (toilets and the home corner are bound to come up).

Remember the holidays, inset days etc! The chances are that you will definitely do all those lovely things with her again.

Not UR at all, it's very natural to feel the way you do, and very unnatural to send our little 4 year olds off to school. A lot of people choose to home educate to continue all the days out and fun learning like you've done the past 4 years, as nothing suddenly changes at the grand old age of four to suggest that life should be turned upside down for them. Some choose to home educate for another year, others continue for longer as they see the benefits.

I remember listening to ABBAs Slipping Through My Fingers when my DD went off to school and bawling like I was never going to see her again!

Shes 13 now and we dont have that same relationship, but we have a different one, which equally lovely. Of course I still miss the cuddles and innocence, but we still share a lot, I just dont get as much of her time. But that was always going to happen.

I actually found primary school not too bad, because you are still very much involved, going to secondary was harder because all of a sudden you dont really know whats going on unless they choose to tell you (my DD does, my DS does not!).

But I get it!

Mine are long past that stage but I still get a lump in my throat when I see pictures from my days off with my DCs before they started school. I do work, but I honestly felt bereft on my non-working days once my youngest started.
Now I really appreciate the time to myself to get stuff done, but I still feel sad that those days are long gone. I don't want any more, and I love seeing them grow, but a part of my will forever miss those toddler years when it was just me and then them mooching around on weekdays

OP your post is sweet and brought a tear to my eye. I’m sorry for your fertility issues ❤️ but what a beautiful blessing your DD is. You sound like an incredible mum and I’m sure there are other woman out there who are struggling with this too. You’re feelings are completely valid xx

I know exactly how you feel, I also had an only child after fertility struggles, although I hadn't anticipated just how much I would enjoy spending time with my child and the immense love I would feel. I wanted more children but it wasn't possible and it's definitely a kind of grief, seeing them grow up and move on from each stage and knowing that it won't repeat. At the same time - although we are only still in primary so I don't know as much about older childhood - there is so much to look forward to, and depending on the school you probably have the flexibility with just one to get quite involved and still feel part of their life, but also importantly to have time for yourself. I think the loveliest thing I got from your post is how valued and great your daughter will feel about herself having a mum who just loves spending time in her company and being part of her world. You will always be close I believe. What works best for me is to just make the most of each moment as it comes along. And trying very hard (for now) not to think about what happens after finishing secondary!

Completely natural, accept your feelings - look after yourself and have a good cry. You will adjust and get used to it.

Reading your post takes me right back. I was exactly the same and all those saying “hooray, thank god” and dreading the holidays with their kids made me feel like a sentimental freak!

It does pass and you will feel excited to pick her up with a treat and hear all about her day (I used to set up a tea party on the rug and we’d chat about what she did while enjoying a snack), and you can really enjoy the weekends and holidays.

You must fill your own time during the day though, to stop you dwelling on it.

It is FINE to be sentimental and to be sad
We all go through it. Mostly with the last kid as it is like sayinf goodbye to an entire era.

But a new era awaits.

so be sad for another month. And then it is Time to accept and move on. She is growing up. But you will grow together. She still is your baby and always will be.

I get it too OP; I’ve now got 3 kids in various stages of primary school/preschool and I basically live for the holidays when I can be with them all. I always feel really sad when they go back after the summer.

However - there’s a lot to really love about the kids getting older, too. You will be blown away again and again by your daughter’s wisdom, her thoughtfulness, her achievements. It is so amazing watching them starting to really turn into the people that they are, completely independent of us.

I'm a sentimental person too OP and I've just accepted that I'm going to have this feeling of pride tinged with sadness at each milestone passing. DD1 started Reception last year and I really felt like you. I got a bit teary sometimes for a couple of weeks around that time. I still had a little cry after dropping her off for her first day of Year 1 last week which is ridiculous really as I know she loves school and she's happy there but I'll just miss quieter days during the week with her when we're not rushing round.

I've got DD2 at home still which has helped but she starts school next September and then I'll be bereft! I'm planning on either increasing my hours at work to take my mind off it or just trying to enjoy going for a coffee or to the gym in peace.