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Original poster

Found out my ex has moved on - some advice

29 replies

Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 09:40

Broke up with ex of 4 years a few years ago.
I was only 31.
There was a lot of issues leading upto the breakup but felt backed into a corner the last six months - constant remarks about my appearance, making sure I put on makeup before I met his friends, calling me a slut for going out with friends - I could go on. Never physical violence.

He was foreign (middle eastern) and VERY keen for us to move in from the get go. I always held back but eventually he turned up one day and moved in.

I managed to end the relationship. I have only recently started dating after a couple of years of therapy. I actually had a lovely first date this weekend but thats as far as things have gotten for me.

Meanwhile I do not think he was ever single. My sister called me last night and said she seen on social media he has just bought a property with someone (<1 year relationship) - she has the same name and job as me - same age. I know realistically I had a lucky escape but why am I in tears this morning? I feel my life has been on hold and stagnant for years healing and unpicking all this - meanwhile he seems to meet someone and sail into the sunset and seems further ‘ahead’ than me. It is so frustrating. My sister is very cynical and says he is just doing to her what he did to you - cocklodging and looking for financial security / visa - but I managed to get away.

He is all over social media constantly - although I do not have him on mines a few of my friends do and its holidays / hotels / weddings / drinks constantly. I seem to have a boring life in comparison; I work hard. The last time we spoke a couple of years ago it was utter vitriol towards me - I vomited it was so bad. Have not spoken to him since.

I suppose I just need a few wise words to stop me naval gazing and snap out of this sulking nonsense this week.

Any wise words of Mumsnetters would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Flumpymc · 12/09/2022 09:46

There is nothing anyone can say that you don't already know. You're miles better off without him. What is on social media isn't reality.

If it helps i had the same situation. He moved on quickly, moved in and had a baby with someone else. Obviously treated her awfully, physically abused her then left her and moved abroad.

You're far better off now.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 12/09/2022 09:47

Ditch social media and remember he is an "ex" for a very good reason.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/09/2022 09:48

Pracitcally speaing, tell your sister not to give you any further updates.

OrigamiOwls · 12/09/2022 09:48

I agree with your sister. He was using you, you managed to escape so he's moved on to do the same thing to someone else. You've had a lucky escape, you've got your whole life ahead of you to make it what you want it to be.

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 12/09/2022 10:03

Block him on all social media. He won’t know you’ve done so and it will stop you seeing his stuff.

He isn’t ‘ahead of you’ he’s repeating the same old behaviours with another woman. Poor her 😔

You’re obsessing about the past because it wounded you but you need to focus on the future.

Original poster
Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 10:04

Flumpymc · 12/09/2022 09:46

There is nothing anyone can say that you don't already know. You're miles better off without him. What is on social media isn't reality.

If it helps i had the same situation. He moved on quickly, moved in and had a baby with someone else. Obviously treated her awfully, physically abused her then left her and moved abroad.

You're far better off now.

Sounds very similar
was he middke eastern? I do wonder if he will move home eventually

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 12/09/2022 10:10

Hi OP, hope you’re ok. I recently managed to ditch a narc who was like this, the nickname is “sticking ball” because it’s damn hard to actually get rid of them.

I was love bombed and then it fell apart, took me 18 months to finally walk away. Of course he cheated! It still hurts but a few months on I’m just so grateful he is out of my life. He has sent messages, but I have no intention of answering them.

Take a break from social media and please just be relieved he has gone from your life. The reason they move on so quickly shows how shallow and cold hearted they really are.

Original poster
Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 10:12

Goodadvice1980 · 12/09/2022 10:10

Hi OP, hope you’re ok. I recently managed to ditch a narc who was like this, the nickname is “sticking ball” because it’s damn hard to actually get rid of them.

I was love bombed and then it fell apart, took me 18 months to finally walk away. Of course he cheated! It still hurts but a few months on I’m just so grateful he is out of my life. He has sent messages, but I have no intention of answering them.

Take a break from social media and please just be relieved he has gone from your life. The reason they move on so quickly shows how shallow and cold hearted they really are.

Its the fact she has the same name and same
job as me - what are the chances. My sister said it shows a lack of growth. Maybe just coincedence

OP posts:
DarceyG · 12/09/2022 10:23

Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 09:40

Broke up with ex of 4 years a few years ago.
I was only 31.
There was a lot of issues leading upto the breakup but felt backed into a corner the last six months - constant remarks about my appearance, making sure I put on makeup before I met his friends, calling me a slut for going out with friends - I could go on. Never physical violence.

He was foreign (middle eastern) and VERY keen for us to move in from the get go. I always held back but eventually he turned up one day and moved in.

I managed to end the relationship. I have only recently started dating after a couple of years of therapy. I actually had a lovely first date this weekend but thats as far as things have gotten for me.

Meanwhile I do not think he was ever single. My sister called me last night and said she seen on social media he has just bought a property with someone (<1 year relationship) - she has the same name and job as me - same age. I know realistically I had a lucky escape but why am I in tears this morning? I feel my life has been on hold and stagnant for years healing and unpicking all this - meanwhile he seems to meet someone and sail into the sunset and seems further ‘ahead’ than me. It is so frustrating. My sister is very cynical and says he is just doing to her what he did to you - cocklodging and looking for financial security / visa - but I managed to get away.

He is all over social media constantly - although I do not have him on mines a few of my friends do and its holidays / hotels / weddings / drinks constantly. I seem to have a boring life in comparison; I work hard. The last time we spoke a couple of years ago it was utter vitriol towards me - I vomited it was so bad. Have not spoken to him since.

I suppose I just need a few wise words to stop me naval gazing and snap out of this sulking nonsense this week.

Any wise words of Mumsnetters would be appreciated.

He is verbally abusive and always will be. He moves relationships at lightening speed before people get to see his true self, when they do its really difficult to get out. Be thankful you did not buy property with him or get married.

Original poster
Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 10:29

DarceyG · 12/09/2022 10:23

He is verbally abusive and always will be. He moves relationships at lightening speed before people get to see his true self, when they do its really difficult to get out. Be thankful you did not buy property with him or get married.

Show quote history

He had pictures of another partner on his SM from last April/May 2021 - so he must have met this new one past year or so.
The one before this was the double of me. Maybe he just has a type.

I wish my sister never told me

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 12/09/2022 10:30

So say for example your name is Sarah Thompson and you're a software designer, he's basically shacked up with another Sarah Thompson who is a software engineer?

That would be most unbalancing, I can see why you'r rattled. Given you've had therapy - I will say it takes sometime to feel yourself again. Emotional and mental abuse eats at our very cores. You know already that you're better off without him. Focus on getting yourself back again and avoid social media, no good ever came of looking up exes.

Original poster
Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 10:32

VladmirsPoutine · 12/09/2022 10:30

So say for example your name is Sarah Thompson and you're a software designer, he's basically shacked up with another Sarah Thompson who is a software engineer?

That would be most unbalancing, I can see why you'r rattled. Given you've had therapy - I will say it takes sometime to feel yourself again. Emotional and mental abuse eats at our very cores. You know already that you're better off without him. Focus on getting yourself back again and avoid social media, no good ever came of looking up exes.

Withour going into details as outing - its as similar as that. Same first name, same job. Specifically. Same age. Same stage when we dated also.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/09/2022 10:32

I think this reaction is very normal. I think that even though people know the relationship was bad and even though the feelings are gone, there is something poignant about seeing someone who you once cared deeply about moving on and away in life and leaving what you had behind. I know I have felt that about exes would I 100% did not want back in my life. As the distance increased the poignancy decreases. I reckon it will feel a bit sad for a few days and then you will accept and it won't really matter any more.

Sittingonabench · 12/09/2022 10:41

Take a step back - a person like that will never really be happy. Find what makes you content and at peace and let his pushing for the best of everything go. I find I am happier with the simple things (books, a good thing show, a filling healthy meal), rather than the glamorous high life (steaks, constant pageantry, parties, etc). It makes the special times joyous rather than stressful.
he sounds abusive - so wishing him the best may be too far but aim for feeling nothing and grateful that it’s not impacting you.

Original poster
Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 10:53

Sittingonabench · 12/09/2022 10:41

Take a step back - a person like that will never really be happy. Find what makes you content and at peace and let his pushing for the best of everything go. I find I am happier with the simple things (books, a good thing show, a filling healthy meal), rather than the glamorous high life (steaks, constant pageantry, parties, etc). It makes the special times joyous rather than stressful.
he sounds abusive - so wishing him the best may be too far but aim for feeling nothing and grateful that it’s not impacting you.

I am the same
when we were together it was constant pictures for social media and dinners
he wanted to go to michelin star places for birthday
I was happy with dominoes and wine

He had a big trauma a year prior to our break up and I honestly do not think he has processed either that or the break up with me. I do not believe he thought I would have had the strength to walk away from him

OP posts:
Flumpymc · 12/09/2022 10:54

@Happycamper101 no he was Nigerian. Not sure where he moved to but she was very vocal about him on social media after he had left.

While we were together I'd found an email on his computer from an ex appealing to his better nature and asking him to repay money he had borrowed and not given back. Just rinse and repeat.

He'd tried to get me pregnant the whole time we were together. He was on a student visa and needed a reason to get a permanent one. I'd said i wasn't going to do anything that would get him a permanent visa as he could get sponsored by an employer and I'd rather he did that to prove to me and any naysayers that we were genuine, not that he needed a visa. Of course i was wrong!

LovingTheseAutumnSnippets · 12/09/2022 10:55

Be glad that he’s too busy to bother you. Focus on your own life. One day soon you will find your tribe and be happy.

Sleepytimebear · 12/09/2022 10:56

I totally understand. My abusive exh moved on with the OW and it felt very frustrating that he was such an awful person but had moved on/ found happiness. I think actually what everyone has said above is true. Block him everywhere and tell your sister not to update you. it's not helping you. Rationally you know you've had a lucky escape and he hasn't changed - what he did to you he will do to the new woman. People like that tend to just move onto the next available person - they don't feel the way you feel, it's probably convenience for him more than genuine love/happiness. Finally, I actually look at it that my exh got a lot out of his relationship with me and therefore didn't want to be single whereas I got nothing out of the relationship with him, he made me miserable, so I'm in no hurry to find someone else - I don't know if that helps you but it helps me!

Original poster
Happycamper101 · 12/09/2022 10:57

Flumpymc · 12/09/2022 10:54

@Happycamper101 no he was Nigerian. Not sure where he moved to but she was very vocal about him on social media after he had left.

While we were together I'd found an email on his computer from an ex appealing to his better nature and asking him to repay money he had borrowed and not given back. Just rinse and repeat.

He'd tried to get me pregnant the whole time we were together. He was on a student visa and needed a reason to get a permanent one. I'd said i wasn't going to do anything that would get him a permanent visa as he could get sponsored by an employer and I'd rather he did that to prove to me and any naysayers that we were genuine, not that he needed a visa. Of course i was wrong!

Mines was on a student visa too
He was stressed as he could not get a job after he graduated and this would result in him leaving
He asked me to marry him for this
I remember being heartbroken at the time due to the way he asked me (hardly romantic) and crying in my bedroom
He walked past me wailing and smirked
I had buried that memory
He said if I loved him I would have married him
All very transactional
he also wanted me to sit various tests for him to score higher to get a job - I refused and I said that was fraud too

OP posts:
LidlCinnamonBun · 12/09/2022 10:59

Think of him as someone else’s problem now.

goldfinchonthelawn · 12/09/2022 11:05

Have a word with yourself. Literally. Say to yourself, out loud if need be, I am so glad I am not moving in with someone who is so vitriolic they make me vomit. I am so glad I no longer deal with an asshole who thinks he has the right to dictate when I wear make up and who I see. I am so glad that I work and am financially independent and not paying for a bullyong sponger. I have made huge steps forward in my life which mean way more than a few photos of drinks on social media.

Btw, if you don't post every latte you drink on SM, it's easy to think other people have a more interesting life. I rarely post and often notice how exciting friend's lives are. Then realise, actually I did go for drinks on Tuesday and a mountain hike on Saturday and to the theatre last week etc. Take stock of what you actually do every month - you'll find you too have a life. You just don't have the desperate need to treat it like an advert.

Flumpymc · 12/09/2022 11:08

@Happycamper101 he was using you 💔 and has moved on to someone he thinks can be more easily manipulated. Be proud of yourself.

InsertPunHere · 12/09/2022 11:11

He moved on because he doesn't have to recover from trauma. You didn't because you did have to recover from his abuse.

It's unfair because he breezes through life messing up women's lives and you have to rebuild yourself and your confidence before moving on.

Darkstar4855 · 12/09/2022 11:12

Are you sure he’s going out with this person and not just faking it online to try and mess with your head?

Regardless, moving on quickly to a new relationship is classic behaviour for narcissists, as is the moving in quickly. Have you looked at the Freedom Program? It might help you make more sense of things and be able to move on.

FuckThisForAGameOfNotSoldiers · 12/09/2022 11:13

Why do tour friends and sister still have him on social media? Ask them to block, or at the very least to stop telling you.