AIBU?
My sister can be a bit odd
Ritascornershop · 11/09/2022 23:45
My sister is unfailingly helpful and really does her bit for family. However, like all of us, she can be a bit odd.
Imo she’s got fixed ideas about how people ought to behave and any deviation from that is met with shock and disbelief. Recent things I’ve done that she’s been shocked about; not taken a book on a long flight (planned to read articles on my phone, watch onboard tv, and nap), ordered Thai after said long flight instead of shopping for food and cooking, killing an ant in my car “but you can’t do that. We are kind to animals”. I don’t care if people eat meat, but I haven’t for over 30 years. She eats meat, so I found that schoolmarmish telling off a bit peculiar. I said “you eat meat” & she said “sometimes, but I’d never kill an ant”. (I’m not saying I have a great excuse for it, but ants creep me right out and I don’t think they feel pain or process emotions in the same way animals do).
Am I being unreasonable to find it a bit annoying that a middle-aged woman can’t imagine someone has different habits than she does. She’s also shocked that I like wind, watching telly, and occasionally wearing high heels: ie, am a different person to her.
Am I being unreasonable?
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DancinOnTheCeiling · 12/09/2022 13:09
Can someone explain why they think it’s down to insecurity? Do you mean over compensating for insecurity by coming across as self-assured?
To me it sounds very much like an autistic trait - struggling to see things from other people’s POV/poor Theory of Mind. Like young children eg covering their eyes when playing hide and seek as they don’t understand what you see is different from what they see..
I’m not meaning to sound judgemental but if your sister has been married four times it sounds like she might be a slightly difficult person, OP?
10HailMarys · 12/09/2022 13:13
Choconut · 12/09/2022 11:05
Isn't it just a case of her having different views to you and expressing them? All sounds very minor.
No, it's not. It's critiquing and lecturing about things that are none of her business and have no impact on her.
Why would anyone need to 'express a view' on the fact that someone ordered a Thai takeaway or watched in-flight TV, let alone react with 'shock and disbelief' as if it was something inappropriate or aberrant?
If I said to someone 'I had a really nice Thai takeaway last night', and they said 'You know, I've never really got that into Thai food - maybe it's just too spicy for me' or even something like 'I hardly ever order takeaways, I think I just prefer my own cooking' then that would be expressing an view.
But if they said 'You had a Thai takeway? Why would you do that? You could have gone shopping and cooked something, so why did you need to spend money on a takeway? It would have been much more sensible to go the supermarket and cook something instead of wasting money' then that's very different.
whatwasIgoingtosay · 12/09/2022 14:43
I don't know about insecurity - I used to know an old woman who was the most frightful, screaming snob. She laid down a complex set of rigid laws on everything and was utterly scornful of anyone who did not come up to her standards, who did not do things 'properly'. She was the least insecure person I ever met.
BudgetBlast · 12/09/2022 15:03
whatwasIgoingtosay · 12/09/2022 14:43
I don't know about insecurity - I used to know an old woman who was the most frightful, screaming snob. She laid down a complex set of rigid laws on everything and was utterly scornful of anyone who did not come up to her standards, who did not do things 'properly'. She was the least insecure person I ever met.
Yes in a way I think it is the opposite of insecurity a lot of the time except where anxiety drives it. It is over confidence and lack of acceptance of your limitations.
Ritascornershop · 12/09/2022 16:14
10HailMarys · 12/09/2022 13:13
No, it's not. It's critiquing and lecturing about things that are none of her business and have no impact on her.
Why would anyone need to 'express a view' on the fact that someone ordered a Thai takeaway or watched in-flight TV, let alone react with 'shock and disbelief' as if it was something inappropriate or aberrant?
If I said to someone 'I had a really nice Thai takeaway last night', and they said 'You know, I've never really got that into Thai food - maybe it's just too spicy for me' or even something like 'I hardly ever order takeaways, I think I just prefer my own cooking' then that would be expressing an view.
But if they said 'You had a Thai takeway? Why would you do that? You could have gone shopping and cooked something, so why did you need to spend money on a takeway? It would have been much more sensible to go the supermarket and cook something instead of wasting money' then that's very different.
Choconut · 12/09/2022 11:05
Isn't it just a case of her having different views to you and expressing them? All sounds very minor.
Yes 10hailmarys, this is it! She quite often phrases things as “but why would you do that?!” in a tone of mixed horror/anxiety/disbelief.
There’s lots of behaviour that doesn’t align with mine; watching team sports, eating animals, driving slowly in the passing lane … but I just shrug and marvel at the diversity. My sister, who really is very kind in most ways, has awful taste in home decor (imo). She invited me over to see the recent changes and I said “wow! What a difference! You must be so happy with it! It makes the room seem really spacious. More sound-proof you say? Wonderful!” I did not say “But why would you have chosen this? It looks awful, I just don’t understand.”
Not all opinions need to be aired.
I appreciate the comments on the thread - I’ll work on just letting is slide by and view it as anxiety. We’re both pretty anxious, it just comes out differently.
Ritascornershop · 12/09/2022 16:18
And as to the ant: I’m a bit phobic about them. My mum briefly left my dad, with me in tow, for an ant-ridden flat. They seem so robotic, they give me the creeps. And I don’t think they feel pain the way mammals and birds do. The ant suddenly appeared in my car and I smushed it before remembering that she won’t kill (most) bugs but does eat animals (again, don’t care who eats what, but it confuses me that it’s abhorrent to her to kill an ant but not a lamb & that she gives me a hard time about the ant).
Wind? Windy day. The fresher the better. One of her kids feels the same way and decades on she is still gobsmacked that we don’t prefer 30 degrees in the shade.
Hotandbothereds · 12/09/2022 16:30
10HailMarys · 12/09/2022 13:13
No, it's not. It's critiquing and lecturing about things that are none of her business and have no impact on her.
Why would anyone need to 'express a view' on the fact that someone ordered a Thai takeaway or watched in-flight TV, let alone react with 'shock and disbelief' as if it was something inappropriate or aberrant?
If I said to someone 'I had a really nice Thai takeaway last night', and they said 'You know, I've never really got that into Thai food - maybe it's just too spicy for me' or even something like 'I hardly ever order takeaways, I think I just prefer my own cooking' then that would be expressing an view.
But if they said 'You had a Thai takeway? Why would you do that? You could have gone shopping and cooked something, so why did you need to spend money on a takeway? It would have been much more sensible to go the supermarket and cook something instead of wasting money' then that's very different.
Choconut · 12/09/2022 11:05
Isn't it just a case of her having different views to you and expressing them? All sounds very minor.
Yes! This is DHs mate, you might say, we’re going to France on holiday, and instead of saying, ‘oh I’ve never fancied France’ launches into a lecture about how you should only ever go to Portugal, and stay in the same hotel they stay, and go to the restaurant they go to….
Blah blah blah, it’s so tiresome, it makes me not want to have any kind of conversation!
Iknowthis1 · 12/09/2022 21:40
In my sister's case I think it's to do controlling anxiety. She deals with anxiety by trying to be in control of everything. Over the years this control has evolved into a strong set of rules to live by. It's perplexing to her that sometime can live happily outside of these rules.
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