Just looked at someone's Instagram and now feel rubbish

[Letsdancedavidbowie]

Someone I don't even know personally but who I went to school with, I think she was 2 years below me, so she'd be around 28 and I'm 31. I just landed on her page by chance.

She's beautiful, incredibly long, thick healthy hair. Mine's growing out from a pixie and is not quite a bob so basically looks awful atm. Also feel that my face is just quite plain sometimes.

She has a good group of friends who are the same friends she's had since high school as I recognise them. They seem to genuinely love each other and be supportive, as well as do lots together. I'm also in touch with a group of friends, but I'm lucky if I get a reply out of some of them, rarely see them and some of them like to tease me in a 'jokey' way/make little digs. I find it hard to make new friends especially as I do temp work, I meet nice people but you're never there long enough.

She seems to be in a stable career. I do temp work, I'm hoping to get something permanent soon with progression, have never really progressed in a role before. My working life is some sort of amusement for some of my friends sometimes, "I never quite know what you're doing." Type comments.

She's married, I have an amazing partner who I'm very lucky to have, I've been with him for 2.5 years but there's no guarantee he'll actually want to marry me. He's 27 so he's probably not going to even consider it for several years.

Very close family. I am also very close to mine but they'll soon be spending half the year abroad so I won't see them as much. I have one Grandma who lives far away, who has dementia sadly, my other grandparents are dead and we very rarely see aunts, cousins etc. So I often feel like I don't really have any family other than my parents.
I do have a brother that I get on with, but there's a very big age gap and he's interested in hanging out with people his age, plus he also lives far away. So growing up I was almost a third parent to him as I was a teenager when he was born.

This sounds so weird and stalkerish. It's nothing against her at all, his could be absolutely anyone and Instagram is just showing people's best sides, but it's just made me look at my own life and wonder how I could improve the above.

Urgh, so what if she looks like she has an amazing life?! She very well may have!

But she doesn't feature heavily in your life so why do you care? Because she's got swishy hair?

Get off social media. Instagram is the social media equivalent of sharing your holiday photos except now people share every single nuance of their life.

Growing up, I don't ever remember hearing my parents saying "oh Sandra has gone to Mykonos and stayed at a 5* resort, look at these photos, I feel so inferior!" They had no frame of reference so didn't care as much.

Now we're "sold" a life we think we should have. All of it is a smokescreen. I'm not saying your friends on social media are fake, they very well may have great careers, sprang back into their size 10s straight after birth, have wonderful family, big homes, gorgeous attentive husbands etc, but why or how does any of that affect you?

It's because you've got sucked into the "shoulds". I "should" have my own home, I "should" have a great group of high school friends, I "should" have an amazing support network, I "should" be married and have an amazing husband, I "should" have a career.

All of it looks at life through a false lens of "should" and marketing manipulation.

There are no "shoulds" in your life. Stop comparing yourself to people you don't know and don't spend time with. And don't compare yourself with people you do spend time with! Why would you work to someone else's timetable instead of your own?!

You are the creator of your own life, everyone else's timeline doesn't matter. Look at your own goals, nobody else's.

You will be so much happier, and more importantly, you'll be free...

This. My bil has an insta perfect life. Beautiful doting wife, loving beautiful kids. But it's not the perfect modal family if your really know them. Yes they are all lovely people but none of them are all together often unfortunately. Most of time they are all apart. So although they get the gushing comments I wouldn't swop their lives for mine in a million years. Its just not anything close to reality

If you are not happy with your life. Then maybe it's the push you need to make changes?

OP, by mid 30s your fertility will be rapidly declining. If you want kids, you can't afford to wait that long, and your partner needs to know that.

As the Desiderata says: 'If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself'.

You are seeing the highlights of this person's life but everyone has their story. Who knows what she has been through to get to this point.

I am sure there will be many people in the world to whom your life is utter paradise compared to theirs. To love and be loved is the greatest joy; all the rest is just window dressing.

Delete social media If this is how it makes you feel. Insta is the worst for filtered photographs and showcasing the have it all lifestyle and looks . It’s all fake . Live your own life

Instagram isn't real life ffs

My friends sound like yours! I don’t know why they are like it.

If you do get married, don’t make them BMs. It really affected my day with little jibes and complaints afterwards. I paid for everything- accommodation for them and partners, even inviting one new BF I’d never met to try and reduce the opportunity but it wasn’t enough!

They did studies on this and it showed that spending too much time looking at others social media had a depressing impact on people whereas looking back over your own had a good impact because it reminds you of good things in your life (depending on what you post). You need to step away from social media if it's just causing you to compare yourself to others. I have a friend who posts flat out and from her page you'd think she was living her absolute best life but in reality I know that behind the scenes it's not the case at all. Everyone puts a filtered select version of themselves online and doesn't bother putting up the days where they have an acne breakout, a fight with their partner and a shitty day at work where they made a big mistake. What you're seeing isn't real but the good things you have in your life are real. Those are the things to invest your time and energy in. If social media makes you feel bad about things then tbh I'd remove myself from it. Generally I find the happiest and most secure people I know are the ones who actually use it the least.

Social media is a show, people only show what they want you to see

Comparison is a joy thief

Stop looking, comparing and be grateful for the good things in your life

I had a feeling when I opened this that people would talk about best bits and it’s true but it’s also true some people just do have lovely lives as well.

agreed^

Social media is clearly taking a toll on you, OP & you should probably take a break from it. I have felt better when I limit my time spent on Instagram

I think you need to get off SM. However, I think it’s really unhealthy to insist that those who
appear to have ‘nice’ lives must be faking it. Why can’t we just be happy for those people and accept that some folk do actually have great lifestyles. It’s such a British thing to do. Tear happy, successful people down. This thread is full of it. ‘Oh she can’t possibly Be genuine; she must be faking it’.

I don’t have insta, but I do have Facebook. I very occasionally post holiday shots, etc and various adventures, and my life does indeed look wonderful. It’s not fake or filtered, I do have a lovely life. Don’t always assume everyone is fake, equally don’t compare. Doing so really is the thief of joy. Instead, replace the negative feelings of
envy with admiration and use that to inspire yourself to make positive changes in your life.

But, yes, stay off SM until you can do that.

Don’t forget that your friends you have at your age are not your friendship group for life. Two of my best, closest friends are ones I made in my 30s.

My best school friend at 30 has since moved overseas and we have complexly grown apart and not spoken for years. She was one for jibes and banter too and I don’t especially miss her now. I’m in my late 40s now and still making friends - I have two close friends in my home town I moved to a couple of years ago who I adore and get on with really well.

My DH’s grandmother died in her 80s recently and by her side in the last years of her life was the woman she always described as her best and closest friend, they met in their 60s.

You will keep making - and sometimes moving on from - friends throughout your life. For all you know there are tensions in your old classmate’s friendship group anyway - there often are in big groups of female friends.

The good thing about hair is that it grows! There’s no reason you can’t have long hair in a few years too.

What kind of temping do you do? Is there a career you’d like to pursue? Might be worth speaking to a life coach or careers advisor?

Take control with your partner and don’t wait around auditioning for the part of his fiancée. After 2.5 years you are well within your rights to have a conversation about marriage - 27 is absolutely not too young to get engaged, so don’t let that put you off. It’s not just about when he decides he is ready.

Your brother and you will grow closer as he gets older I’m sure, I have seen that happen with many siblings with black g age gaps.

Just remember that at your age nothing is set in stone, you are in charge, and mute her on Insta. Follow some motivational/inspirational accounts instead. x

If you’re not happy with your life then take some steps to change it instead of wasting time comparing yourself to someone’s Instagram photos

This isn’t really about Instagram is it, @Letsdancedavidbowie ? I’m sorry you feel so lonely. Hopefully if you get a permanent job, you can make new friends through work - yours sound pretty toxic, tbh.

Your family moving away also sounds like it’s upsetting for you, which is also completely understandable.

It sounds like you need to build a new support network- we all need one, and your friends, family and boyfriend don’t seem to be doing the job (for various reasons).

But I would also say that you need to stop relying on other people for your happiness. Can you start to do something just for you?

Honestly on instagram my life was
Happy relationship (it was abusive)
Two amazing kids (I struggled massively and regretted ever having them)
Stunning house (which almost killed us doing)
I'm attractive (I wear a shit load of makeup and put a filter on)
Long hair (don't have time for the hairdresser or the money)
Nice clothes (Vinted)
It's all a fucking lie
Every bit
So I don't post anymore because I don't want to be part of the problem..

Delete the app and focus on your actual real life! I know it's hard
But you'll be thankful you did

I think some people could look at their OWN Instagram and feel intimidated, lol. I think it's a waste of life to spend so much time curating an image on social media to present myself with oh this lovely friendship group, relationship, job, whatever. The perfect version of 'me' to present to the world, for that exactly?

I literally can't be arsed and also it's no-ones business and is all a bit tragically try hard for me. I've never bothered. With all that documenting of life, where are you getting the chance to actually live it?

OP delete Insta and then if there's things you want to genuinely change about yourself, then change them. Nothing is stopping you. Just do it. You only have one life.

Also your friends sound questionable. Maybe they just have dry humor but if you think they aren't being nice, drop them. There's a whole world of new friends and experiences out there.

Comparing yourself to someone else, especially on social media, is always a bad idea. You never know what is going on behind the scenes, you are just seeing what she wants people to see.

Mid-30s is too late to get engaged if you plan to have kids after you’re married OP.
Of course you can’t always plan these things but ideally you need to start ttc around age 30 if you want more than one child.
The vast majority of people I know who got married pre-kids did so between age 27 and early 30s. The only people I know who got engaged mid-30s are those who either already have kids, don’t want kids or just didn’t meet the right person until then.

And totally agree with the posters who say don’t believe everything on Instagram. I know people who seem to have it all - great marriage, job, partner etc who are still miserable in real life. But you wouldn’t know it from a few carefully selected and posed photos on social media

You can do better for yourself than a hollow copy of someone else's life OP.

Live your live.

Start by finding out who you are and what you enjoy and do more of that.

There will always be a long line of people queuing up to tell you that you're wrong, weird, stupid etc. They can all get in the bin.

You live one life, make it YOURS.

"You don't have to live your life the way others expect"

, I think it’s really unhealthy to insist that those who
appear to have ‘nice’ lives must be faking i

Aye, aye. This "take comfort in that they might actually have shit life" is actually oretty shit. Imagine taking comfort from someone having a bad life.
It always features here with absolutely any topic when someone has something nicer or more. It's bit pathetic and sad.... And imho, bitter.

Don't go down that route OP. Bitter people have actually shote lives. Just reflect on yours, realise whether the unhappily in different points is your unhappiness or the "i should be unhappy about it" type imposed by others.

Again, eberyone has different lives. Different doesn't have to mean better or worse. Just different. As long as you are content and happy-ish, all is good. Work towards that

And make Instagram your happy place! Incredible amount of beautiful things on it with all the museums, galeries, artists, gardeners, historical sites.
Very happy place it can be😁

Just looked at someone's Instagram and now feel rubbish

That’s what Instagram’s for, isn’t it?

@Letsdancedavidbowie I get you I really do, when I was at school I had a big group of friends and was out a lot, paired off with a bf just before finishing high school, we all went to different colleges/work & I separated from BF my life changed a lot, I made new friends but never as close as the prev ones. My partner also worked shifts and unsocial hrs it was lonely, I went through a few yrs wondering if this was what I wanted, esp as a girl I knew from school lived in my street & saw her regularly going out at the wknd with her old school mates who had stuck together, they weren't my types of people but I still felt I wanted what she had so much, SM was new then not many were on it and by then most people had moved on so I ended up very isolated, I've made aquintances, many since but it's never the same as those school mates as you didn't care how much you let your hair down so you could really let your hair down when older with those people, it's not the same as you get older I don't think, most of my new friends are parents I've met so due to stretched time we only get to know eachother in short bursts. SM often attracts people that like to put their best foot forward, it's designed to show whatever you want, edited or unedited, mostly filtered and only what they feel people either want to see or what they want you to see depending on how they are using it. A lot of people realised where it could take them so ran with showing the best of everything or making it appear so to get likes and follows to boost their ego or show off to others how much better their lives are with no gyms given to anyone else and how it could make them feel. It's a place where you can easily fall in to the trap of 'unconsciously comparing' every aspect of your own life to. Prior to its existence we all got on with our own lives in mostly ignorance to what anyone else was doing bar the few people you knew and who they knew, otherwise you had no idea, in that sense ignorance was bliss and you got on mostly with your own life not feeling this doubt in the back of your mind that your not doing what everyone else, now, seems to be doing which is the same thing, putting their best foot forward, going on expensive holidays a lot, going to the best places and having the best life! It's a lot when you're born prior to all this and lived very differently prior to its existence but you're still young enough (30-50) to be fully aware of it but slightly out of step with it. I keep a hand in with what's going on but I do try and detach from it a lot more now & try not remember jjsy because I don't post about every single thing I do doesn't mean I don't have a life and should it matter what anyone else thinks anyway, if it does to them do you want people like that as friends anyway!! If you want real friends who don't judge you for not showing your best life then I think it'll be hard to find these people as they're people like me and you who aren't engaging in it a lot and the bunch of people outside of it still here existing but fathoming out what other things we want to do that doesn't revolve around the Gram life and there is much else we can do. Taking care of our kids and spending actual time doing stuff with them for them not also for the gram, that's how it should be, feel sorry for kids in that sense as I don't think a lot are getitng the full attention of their parents that they should be! These may grow up abs hating it in 10-15 yrs time and be the ones that make the change and say my mum always had a phone stuffed in her face, pics for the gram ans was rarely present and not want the same mostly ignored life for their own kids. Exercise more, do stuff on your house, watch more tv, read more books, go out for meals more, try to find the friends you really want but know this can be difficult so don't beat yourself up like I have when even 4 yrs on I still haven't found my tribe and I think it's as I've learned I'm actually more of a lone wolf, so much as I'd love people to hang out with in a group, I actually don't like the personalities of most people that do that sort of thing, I've done it a couple times and not enjoyed it. My old friends were great but we've all chnaged and moved on, perhaps some people just don't change that much or it isn't as much fun as it looks and if it is perhaps these types just never change in life from how they weee intially but they rarely also make new friends as stick to their clan. It's something I've always struggled to get to the root of but perhaps many of us jjsy don't end up like this in life. Younger gen's prob feel more pressure to keep those friends to show the lives in best light like everyone else but is it authentically making them happy really?! Xx