Just looked at someone's Instagram and now feel rubbish

[Letsdancedavidbowie]

Someone I don't even know personally but who I went to school with, I think she was 2 years below me, so she'd be around 28 and I'm 31. I just landed on her page by chance.

She's beautiful, incredibly long, thick healthy hair. Mine's growing out from a pixie and is not quite a bob so basically looks awful atm. Also feel that my face is just quite plain sometimes.

She has a good group of friends who are the same friends she's had since high school as I recognise them. They seem to genuinely love each other and be supportive, as well as do lots together. I'm also in touch with a group of friends, but I'm lucky if I get a reply out of some of them, rarely see them and some of them like to tease me in a 'jokey' way/make little digs. I find it hard to make new friends especially as I do temp work, I meet nice people but you're never there long enough.

She seems to be in a stable career. I do temp work, I'm hoping to get something permanent soon with progression, have never really progressed in a role before. My working life is some sort of amusement for some of my friends sometimes, "I never quite know what you're doing." Type comments.

She's married, I have an amazing partner who I'm very lucky to have, I've been with him for 2.5 years but there's no guarantee he'll actually want to marry me. He's 27 so he's probably not going to even consider it for several years.

Very close family. I am also very close to mine but they'll soon be spending half the year abroad so I won't see them as much. I have one Grandma who lives far away, who has dementia sadly, my other grandparents are dead and we very rarely see aunts, cousins etc. So I often feel like I don't really have any family other than my parents.
I do have a brother that I get on with, but there's a very big age gap and he's interested in hanging out with people his age, plus he also lives far away. So growing up I was almost a third parent to him as I was a teenager when he was born.

This sounds so weird and stalkerish. It's nothing against her at all, his could be absolutely anyone and Instagram is just showing people's best sides, but it's just made me look at my own life and wonder how I could improve the above.

If you want to get married, I'd have a chat with your bf to see what he thinks about it. He's been with you long enough to know by now. I wouldn't be waiting around for him to "be ready".
Most of my friends married at about 27 and are coming up for 10 years married now.

It's all very true but some people do just have more than others and happier lives for various reasons. I think a large problem is I'm lonely.
My partner works late nights and i tend to be back earlier so i spend a lot of time alone in the flat, i do have hobbies but I just feel lonely a lot of the time.
He goes out after work and he makes it clear I'm welcome but it's like midnight when they go out and i have to be up early for work plus I'm not really a night out person

You've got no idea what her life is really like. I have a couple of friends like this who have the worst trauma imaginable going on in the background.
I totally get it though - it's the alway comparison feeling.
Don't let it get to you any more tonight - just allow it to pass through you and start a new day tomorrow x

I remember having had the most horrendous year of my life and met a firmer colleague at an industry event. We're Facebook friends and she commented how she was jealous of how lovely my life looked.

I said "well....l and told her just a couple of the horrible things that had happened. We ended up going for cocktails just the two of us and having a really amazing chat which has turned into a much closer friendship.

Just don't believe everything you see on social media. It's never the full story.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I'm sure she has some rubbish in her life too, but it's just the things that can't be faked like the obvious group of close friends, the stable career, the family, beauty etc.
I'm applying for new career paths which is a good first start.
I know it's just hair but mine is god awful and i can't deal with another several months of this

Some people really do win the life lottery. and it's actually okay for that to happen, if you think about it, you probably wouldn't want it to be any different.

The only person you need to be really concerned with, is yourself and how you feel about things, if social media in general makes you feel like "less than", then knock it on the head for a while. Everybody has highs and lows throughout life, and you have to accept that as well as identify the things you do want to work on and change.

I don't think anybody can really say anything that is going to be the magic words but just talking about it helps a bit! So good on you for putting it out there.

Also it's normal to feel a bit shit when you see someone else looking amazing and you are having a bit of a shit time.
I find myself envying celebrities often but then I look at the shit blokes a lot of them end up with and realise that none of it helps - at one point Pamela Anderson was the most desirable and sexy woman in the world and she came home to find Tommy Lee shagging some random escort on the table in her house.

There's no perfect life.

Definitely focus on the job. With a great job you'll have money, a home and stability.

Family we can't choose. If your boyfriend isn't doing for for you, end it.

But the job is where real change will come from.

Yes it has helped me to talk about it so thank you.
I just hate feeling so lonely. I feel down whenever I'm alone.

Yes my partner is definitely the one for me but I'm worried he won't want to get married due to being younger. 27 seems rare these days to consider engagement, seems to be mid 30s.

How about you just come off of social media and spend time being thankful for the things you do have. Much easier than trying to “fix” your life and strive for unattainable perfection. Instagram and Facebook are a toxic waste of time and can make unhappiness 10 times worse.

OP, she's not originally from Norwich is she, by any chance?

No I don't think so sorry!

Id rather choke myself to death than take instagram photos with my friends

I'm not even reading all of your post or the replies.

It is social media, people can be whoever they pretend to be and show on social media.

I know plenty who according to their social media have everything, the perfect life, perfect kids, perfect home.. But the reality is far far from it.

Honestly, come off social media if it makes you feel this way, it's a thief of joy.

Addressing your post in turn:

• She’s 2 years younger than you. At both your ages, you’re the same age lol

• With your hair, what did you expect after having a pixie cut? It is an extreme hair cut which would make having long, thick, healthy hair a pipe dream as you’ll be waiting years for your hair to grow out. You could consider extensions.

• I think you need to work on your self confidence to be someone people want to be friends with. Loads of people meet, and manage to sustain a friendship. It’s not impossible especially with social media.

• you should perhaps rethink your career. Sustainable work is always a good thing, especially in this climate.

• she’s married but you’re in a long term relationship? It’s not like you’re single. You have companionship and proposals can happen at any time

• you can’t choose your family but you can make more of an effort with them if you want eg traditions and outings

I sympathise OP. I go on social media and feel awful too, it’s so easy to feel everyone has a better life than you and have progressed further in their life/relationship/career. I appreciate it can feel impossible - you can fix your hair but you can’t just magic up a close family or a circle of friends that you’ve known from school. So I would focus on small stuff. Firstly just don’t go on Instagram. Secondly Maybe try some social activities or sports and try and make some better friends, or at least acquaintances. Exercise will make you feel better and fill in some time in the evening. Can you suggest a different activity to do with your DP and his friends? Something that isn’t a night out. You can’t change it all in a few days, it’s going to take time.

I have a sibling who loves social media. If you view it, you can see a life where she looks fab and she is always out with friends, partner and her children and having the best of times. Every year her partner makes a long and very congratulatory post on what an amazing partner in life and mother she is.

Behind this facade, she is in a coercive controlling relationship with a bully of a partner who treats her and her children in an appalling and often disgusting way. Most the time she hates him. She is trapped - financially and emotionally - without any resources of her own. As for the friends in the photos she is with, I don’t think most of the bonds are that deep. She always looks polished - make up on, hair blown and stylised, and beautiful outfits - but I have no envy for her life knowing the reality behind it.

The issue is social media. It’s a forum more often than not for self promotion. Get off it, stop viewing it, and make the changes in your life that you mention you want to strengthen and improve .

If you have an iPhone you can set screen time limits for apps and websites. I’ve set my Insta app to 25 mins a day tops. Helps with breaking out of accidentally going down rabbit holes!

What I took from your OP is that you have an incredible partner, are close to your family, and do all sorts of interesting things re: work whilst you’re working out what’s going to suit you long term.
You know the shit bits of your life of course- because you’ve got the inside track! But I’m guessing you don’t post those on social media, and she won’t post her shit bits there either. But you can bet your life she has them, because everyone does.
Please, please be grateful for what you have and stop using social media to compare- it’s filtered, just like the life you present on there, and it’s absolutely not the reality of life; hers or yours.

My response is less about Instagram and more about the comparison you made and how down on yourself you’re being. Everything you said was negative.

I was in that position. And the circumstances of lockdown brought my confidence down massively which is why I ended up in that position and thought so less of myself.

I was honestly just upset all the time and stopped doing things, sat on the sofa every night, eating biscuits, very emotional, thinking ‘what’s the point’ very resentful of others.

and eventually I got in touch with a councillor for person centred counselling - writing the email was so hard! And then the 20 minute consultation call was excruciating, I just cried down the phone.

but it’s helped me put things into perspective. And it’s helped me to look after myself more. I’ve been doing more self care and exercising.

maybe that’s something that could help you.

If there are things that are actually wrong or could reasonably be better in your life that you can fix, then there's nothing wrong in being prompted to do so, by whatever means. E.g. being promoted to lose weight by not being able to fit into your favourite jeans - feels horrible st the time but is worth it.

If however there's nothing actually wrong in your life or the things that are you can't change (e.g. your family moving abroad) then you're better off rationalising as other posters have said that nobody posts the shit bits of their life on Instagram! Would people looking at your insta see all the bad things you've mentioned or could they write a similar post "oh I wish I was more like OP, she's got a really close family, wish I had a sibling I got on with like OP, lovely boyfriend, looks like she meets loads of different people from her temping work that must be so much more interesting than sitting wfh on my own everyday...etc."

Best thing you can do for a happier life is delete social media..... shock horror

Better to talk it out and get it into perspective x