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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from my DH

47 replies

ohmyohmy123 · 11/09/2022 21:59

I work shifts which include the odd nights. These have fallen at the weekends this month but it's rare that I get weekends.

My DH doesn't enjoy spending time with the children really. They are 11 and 13. We either go out as a family or I take them out alone.

For the past two days I haven't been able to sleep because of the noise from them on their Xbox talking to friends. They get overexcited and laugh etc which isn't their faults but it wakes me.

DH also decided to do some drilling yesterday too.

There are lots of places he can take them, To visit family, park, bowling, cinema, swimming, play tennis or golf, flip out etc etc.

I'm not expecting miracles but just a few hours in the morning to enable me to get a few hours sleep.

His response is that I should go and stay at my parents on weekends that I'm working because it's unfair to him to have to take them out of the house every time I'm on nights.

I got 2 hours sleep today before being woken but stayed in bed until 3 trying to cat nap. When I got up he had gone out to the pub! Children were in their rooms on computers.

I'm at work again tonight having had minimal sleep so I'm angry at him.

Aibu to be furious or am I just tired and narky. Oh he did take them shopping with him today so he has "taken them out" in his eyes.

OP posts:
GGGD · 11/09/2022 22:01

He needs a good kick up the backside.

EmmaH2022 · 11/09/2022 22:04

Wait...he was drilling while you were trying to sleep?

Dacadactyl · 11/09/2022 22:04

He is being very out of order. There would be a big row in this house if my husband didn't step up with the kids while I was on nights.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/09/2022 22:06

I agree go stay at your dps. The whole week end. He can parent his dc..

Lcb123 · 11/09/2022 22:06

That’s shameful - he’s as much their parent as you. He should take them out for several hours, or if home, all be doing something very quiet.

Dacadactyl · 11/09/2022 22:08

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/09/2022 22:06

I agree go stay at your dps. The whole week end. He can parent his dc..

Yeah but will he? Or will he just leave them gaming and sit on his phone?

willithappen · 11/09/2022 22:08

Drilling while you are trying to sleep after being on shift is not okay

However, I don't think it's reasonable to say he has to take them out of the house every time you are on shift and sleeping. I think it's fair to allow them to stay in the house. Ask them not to play Xbox or get some things to reduce the noise in the house while you are sleeping.
There should be a level of respect to try keep the noise down but it is their home also and weekends are perhaps their downtime?

DeadButDelicious · 11/09/2022 22:23

He needs a kick up the arse. My husband works nights and when those shifts fall at the weekend or during a holiday, as far as I possibly can, I get DD out of the house so he can sleep. If I really can't get her out for a bit I do my level best to keep her quiet and entertained. He works 12 hour shifts with power tools, he needs to sleep.

Your DH needs to up his game.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/09/2022 22:27

That was horrible and disrespectful of all 3 of them, but, but, but...is staying at your parents a really easy solution? (Ie if they don't mind, it's quiet, there's space, it's close etc)

ElizabethSchuyler · 11/09/2022 22:29

I agree. But also think your dc are old enough to learn they need to keep the noise to a minimum

Original poster
ohmyohmy123 · 12/09/2022 02:33

EmmaH2022 · 11/09/2022 22:04

Wait...he was drilling while you were trying to sleep?

He was fixing something that's needed doing for a while - he didn't realise it would wake me as he was in the garage (garage is below bedroom).

OP posts:
Original poster
ohmyohmy123 · 12/09/2022 02:35

arethereanyleftatall · 11/09/2022 22:27

That was horrible and disrespectful of all 3 of them, but, but, but...is staying at your parents a really easy solution? (Ie if they don't mind, it's quiet, there's space, it's close etc)

Parents live in a terrace with paper thin walls - they are old and can't be quiet so I feel bad on them.

If I was a regular night worker I would probably have to do this though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohmyohmy123 · 12/09/2022 02:37

willithappen · 11/09/2022 22:08

Drilling while you are trying to sleep after being on shift is not okay

However, I don't think it's reasonable to say he has to take them out of the house every time you are on shift and sleeping. I think it's fair to allow them to stay in the house. Ask them not to play Xbox or get some things to reduce the noise in the house while you are sleeping.
There should be a level of respect to try keep the noise down but it is their home also and weekends are perhaps their downtime?

I agree that they shouldn't have to go out but if I'm home on weekends they enjoy going and doing something. They both said they were bored when i got up and wanted me to take them out.

Previously DH has put the Xbox downstairs so I can't hear them - but he just doesn't seem to care enough to make an effort anymore.

OP posts:
Musti · 12/09/2022 02:37

Yanbu but if he doesn’t take them out then tell the kids they have to be quiet whilst you’re sleeping. They can either watch something with their headphones or you switch the wifi off.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 03:15

I can't believe for a second that your husband doesn't have a long history of this kind of selfish behaviour. He doesn't enjoy spending time with his own children? For fuck's sake. Your bar is set shockingly low.

Marvellousmadness · 12/09/2022 03:20

Expecting him to take the kids anywhere is madness and not fair

Also: The kids are 11 and 13. Just tell them to go somewhere else !
They dont need your dh to go with them

Wear earplugs when you go to sleep

And tell him to FUCKING stop drilling when you are sleeping.

Midlifemusings · 12/09/2022 06:30

I worked a job with night shifts for years (and all my colleagues did night shifts too) and I think you are unreasonable to expect everyone to leave the house anytime you need to sleep during the day. I don’t know of anyone who expects that of their wife / husband / kids.

However it is reasonable at their ages to expect them to keep it down. You also need to sound proof your room, use white noise machines, use ear plugs etc.

SeasonFinale · 12/09/2022 06:35

Why can't a 13 year old unplug an X box and take it downstairs themselves?

The drilling was out of order but you know that.

TooHotToTangoToo · 12/09/2022 06:41

I'd be fuming op. My dh works shifts and when he's in bed we all do what we can to keep the noise down, it's so disrespectful! I'm sore he has no issues benefiting from your income so he needs to pull his finger out.

Discovereads · 12/09/2022 06:46

I’ve also worked nights and think YABU to expect the house to be silent when you are sleeping in the day although I agree the drilling was a bit much (and he has apologised for this as a mistake).

I think YABU to expect your DH to take the kids out of the house on these weekends. Some people are just homebodies and after a week of working, just want to be at home to catch up on cleaning and DIY and relax. The DC are 11 and 13 they should be capable of entertaining themselves and arranging to see friends if they don’t want to be at home. Neither of you should feel like you have to do days out every weekend to keep them from being bored.

You’re tired from working a night shift and just want to take it out on your DH. This isn’t healthy. It’s not his fault you have a few night shifts and what did you expect really? To work nights and not have your sleep messed up? That’s just unrealistic.

Bestcatmum · 12/09/2022 07:22

Drilling??? I'd have murdered him with it. I used to do nights so I know how important sleep is.
Don't sleep at home, go to your DPs and sleep or buy noise cancelling headphones. I bought some for DS as he works from home and his neighbours are noisy, he can't hear a thing now.

justfiveminutes · 12/09/2022 07:27

The drilling was thoughtless. I understand that he was in the garage and didn't think it would wake you, but if the garage is integral then he should've waited until you got up.

But I actually don't think that he should have to take children out who are 11 and 13. They are definitely old enough to know that it's quiet activities only if you have worked a night shift.

whatstheteamarie · 12/09/2022 08:09

Whilst he shouldn't necessarily "have" to take the kids out of the house, surely a decent parent wants their children to get some exercise and do stuff with them?

Why doesn't he want to take them out for a walk/cycle ride/ to the cinema/meet up with friends etc?

Obviously a lazy day is allowed but both days stuck in the house doing nothing when the kids clearly wanted to go out (hence asking mum as soon as they got up) AND the other parent has been on nights. That's pretty shitty parenting, regardless of whether you're on nights or not.

In future can those weekends be a bit more planned? I.E. say to your DH "I'm working nights this weekend, and there's X film on at the cinema that the kids want to see. Also, DC1 wanted to cycle round to his mate's house and DC2 wanted to go to the park with her friend, so can you organise that?"

In an ideal world he'd take the initiative, but that seems unlikely here.

Discovereads · 12/09/2022 08:22

Obviously a lazy day is allowed but both days stuck in the house doing nothing when the kids clearly wanted to go out (hence asking mum as soon as they got up) AND the other parent has been on nights. That's pretty shitty parenting, regardless of whether you're on nights or not.

So all the parents that can’t afford days out are shitty parents? Days out are a luxury, they’re not a necessity for good parenting.

Merlott · 12/09/2022 08:25

Days out can be free of charge, this isn't about money it's about an absolute lack of respect for OP from her DH and also utter lack of parenting from DH.

He sounds like a manchild. Stop being so nice to him.