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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more from my DH

47 replies

ohmyohmy123 · 11/09/2022 21:59

I work shifts which include the odd nights. These have fallen at the weekends this month but it's rare that I get weekends.

My DH doesn't enjoy spending time with the children really. They are 11 and 13. We either go out as a family or I take them out alone.

For the past two days I haven't been able to sleep because of the noise from them on their Xbox talking to friends. They get overexcited and laugh etc which isn't their faults but it wakes me.

DH also decided to do some drilling yesterday too.

There are lots of places he can take them, To visit family, park, bowling, cinema, swimming, play tennis or golf, flip out etc etc.

I'm not expecting miracles but just a few hours in the morning to enable me to get a few hours sleep.

His response is that I should go and stay at my parents on weekends that I'm working because it's unfair to him to have to take them out of the house every time I'm on nights.

I got 2 hours sleep today before being woken but stayed in bed until 3 trying to cat nap. When I got up he had gone out to the pub! Children were in their rooms on computers.

I'm at work again tonight having had minimal sleep so I'm angry at him.

Aibu to be furious or am I just tired and narky. Oh he did take them shopping with him today so he has "taken them out" in his eyes.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2022 08:29

They’re old enough to understand you need to sleep and they should be quiet but if they’re taking their lead from a man so selfish it’s no wonder they think shouting is okay. I don’t think you can insist he takes them out but I would be raising hell about all 3 of them not keeping the noise down.

felulageller · 12/09/2022 08:35

OMG now my DF was fairly ineffectual and did little parenting.

But in the 80s when my DM worked every weekend Nightshift he would take me out til about 3pm so she could sleep.

It's not hard work to go to the cinema etc.

The drilling is passive aggressive. Does he object to you working? It sounds like it?

I read threads like this and wonder on how earth women put up with such crap DPs.

Is life really better with him than without???????

newyearsresolurion · 12/09/2022 08:39

Get some good earplugs, communicate with them to keep the noise down. Hide the driller. You shouldn't be a slave in your own house like this.

Tootlingalong · 12/09/2022 08:47

I have a chronic illness that means I often return to bed midday, my kids are pretty good at keeping it down even when on their Xboxes, i.e. turn off headsets, play less confrontational games, stop shouting to each other.
Definitely try earplugs, I find the yellow and pink soft ones the best, also white noise app on phone, play it loud to block any sounds that seep through.
The drilling bit is totally out of order though! Of course that travels.. probably through the whole house, never mind just upstairs.

Peashoots · 12/09/2022 09:08

Argh this has made me so angry! He sounds like a useless selfish wanker. I work regular nights and my husband creeps around like a ninja 😂 and makes sure the kids are quiet. It’s just the decent thing to do.
honestly he’s very disrespectful of you, isn’t interested in your kids…are there any benefits to having this man in your life?

Drivebye · 12/09/2022 09:16

So of all the times he found do the drilling he chose to do it when you were sleeping. Mmmm.

He sounds horrible. I wouldn't tell him to do anything with the children, let them get on with it. If the children ask to do things tell them to ask their Dad.

Have you tried headphones or ear plugs to help you sleep?

Ponoka7 · 12/09/2022 09:25

@Discovereads he obviously Isn't a home body, he went to the pub, leaving the OP to see to the children.
The 11 year old isn't necessarily old enough to be out on their own, that depends on were you live. You are supposed to parent your children, he isn't. He's a rubbish Dad and partner.

Booklover3 · 12/09/2022 09:25

It wouldn’t hurt him to take them out a bit would it? A compromise. Some weekends go to your parents and some weekends he can take them out?

Booklover3 · 12/09/2022 09:26

^^ if he can be bothered!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2022 09:37

Drilling, completely out of order.

I do think a 13 yo should be able to take the x box downstairs themselves.

All three should take some responsibility in being quietish so that you can sleep. However, yes he should take them out sometimes if they’d like to go - my 13 yo wouldn’t always want to be taken out and likes to have some time available just to see friends etc. They might want to spend the time just chilling or playing games, but x box should definitely go downstairs (should be downstairs really anyway, 11 is still very young to be gaming unobserved if there’s internet access)

He does have to know that he’s the one responsible though, and that he canno take himself off to the pub. That’s ridiculous.

Do you have any good ear plugs you can wear?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2022 09:39

Would say not so much”where you live” dependant in terms of leaving the 11 yo, as dependent on the child.

Although I suppose if you lived very rurally with no near neighbours or close amenities I’d be less likely to leave them.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 12/09/2022 09:42

He's being an arse.

I have a chronic illness which means that I often have to sleep during the day for an hour or two.

If DH and DS are home, DH will ALWAYS take DS out for a run in the car (which he loves)

Although DS is 17 he has SLD and is unable to control his noise, so to allow me to get total rest, DH takes him out of the house.

FrozenGhost · 12/09/2022 10:09

If he didn't sound like such a pointless lazy waste of space, I'd sympathise. My DH and I both works nights sometimes, and I admit when it's his turn, I do find it very annoying to keep the kids quiet and to be forced to stay out. I secretly wish he would stay at elsewhere.

However your DH just sounds lazy along with passive aggressive. Drilling, really? What a coincidence he should be inspired to do a chore I'm guessing he's put off for months on the exact day it could annoy you!

summergone · 12/09/2022 10:24

I cannot believe he chose that time to drill in the room below where you ate trying to sleep , that's so selfish! I think he should either have made sure the dc were quiet or taken them out . My dh works nights once a month and on that weekend I plan to be out of the house as staying in trying to quiet is quite stressful, but that's because I'm trying to have minimal noise . Your dh sounds like he just can't be bothered /doesn't care ! I would be fuming .

economicervix · 12/09/2022 10:29

My DH doesn't enjoy spending time with the children really
what are you doing to help your kids cope with their parent not liking them? Are they having therapy yet? Bit weird to start a thread about sleep tips when you’re making your kids live with someone who doesn’t like them, surely that’s the issue?

ParentallyUnprepared · 12/09/2022 13:12

He was punishing you because you'd "left him" to do the parenting.

user1583920194858592910103848559201 · 12/09/2022 13:36

Has he ever parented his children?

I couldn't live like that.

limitededitionbarbie · 12/09/2022 15:02

I'd literally book into a premier inn or something for the whole weekend until he got his shit together.

Let him parent.

newbiename · 12/09/2022 15:05

I'd be in a Premier Inn , selfish bastard

Original poster

ohmyohmy123 · 12/09/2022 15:56

Thanks for the replies - ive woken up from a much better sleep today with the children at school and the house quiet.

It's not really appropriate to let the children out alone in my area - I know I'm sheltering them but I like them to be safe. If they go to see friends we usually drop them off and arrange with friends parents to bring back or pick up etc.

I should have planned the weekend out rather than expect him to know what to do.

He does like the children, he just doesn't like spending time with them alone as he can't cope well with them out on his own as one has asd. He always wants to go out together. I can manage them easily so just expect him to be able to.

I think I need to re-assess my marriage and put in some boundaries. I woke to flowers and a note - they are lily's which we can't have due to the cat but he's tried I guess. I've threatened to leave in the past as I think he'd make more effort with the children if he had to see them at weekends etc.

I guess I feel like he's totally discounted my feelings this weekend but it's been a build up.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

economicervix · 12/09/2022 17:06

The bar for men is so low. Buy some toxic flowers to get you to accept him not parenting. 😄 he must think you’re such a mug.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/09/2022 17:16

Well I do think it would be unreasonable for you to expect your entire family to go out/ be quiet all day long so you can sleep.

To be the more concerning thing is your DH's attitude - he is uncaring about you and your needs and he doesn't like to spend time with his kids. Is he otherwise a bit of a dick? I'm going to guess the answer is yes....

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