To think girlfriend shouldn’t be invited?

[afterthenightday]

We’re a group of four friends who meet up for lunch/dinner/drinks about once a month. We’ve never met with partners.

One now has a girlfriend who she’s been with around a year. I mentioned an event I’d like us to go to next month and now friend has invited her girlfriend - yet the men wouldn’t be invited.

I like it being the four of us tbh, I don’t really want to throw partners into the mix. Adding another person just changes the dynamic.

You should say something to your friend. I would just mention that you feel it changes the dynamic and you'd like it to just be the 4 of you this time. See what she says.

It’s partners or no partners. My best mate is bi and has had long term relationships with both men and women over the decades I have known her, so we’ve had plenty of opportunity to test this theory. Yes, it can feel strange sometimes (E.g we didn’t have her female ex partner come on a girls spa weekend) but generally the rules are there for a reason - so we could gossip about all the shit things are partners do without having them there, obviously! Male or female makes no difference!

“Haha no way! It’s no partners, you don’t get a pass because you’ve got a girlfriend instead of a fella!!”

Agree, no partners regardless of gender.

I wouldn't say anything, feels a bit mean to leave her out. Plus she won't necessarily feel she fits in on the 'bring your partner' days if she's not one of the men.

This is a good way of doing it, but be prepared that the girlfriend might take this as a slight and you may well lose the friend from the group and inadvertently change the dynamic anyway.

Girl friend has been invited tho. I'd probably go along with it and see how it feels. Then if she isn't one of the group after next time say just us four. Or all couples.

Do you have a group chat? You could always ask whether others' are also bringing partners along this time ? Or just make a point of saying you're still leaving your partner at home and ask whether others are the same. Other than that you would have to just ask her to be uninvited which would seem pretty rude.

Just all bring your blokes and make it an evening for everyone. Rinse and repeat until the message sinks in.

I've pretty much lost a good friendship because this kept happening.
I have a few friends in same sex relationships that see me / our group without their partner.
However, one friend became completely infatuated with her girlfriend and stopped meeting up without her there; any invite she assumed was for them both all the time, even when I said it wasn't.
Over 2 years this then turned into her cancelling our plans because the girlfriend had double booked/forgotten/couldn't make it and I just started to phase her out. The last straw was her cancelling on me with an excuse of a romantic weekend away, when actually they has gone for a day out with the girlfriends mates.
Complete lack of consideration for my time, or our plans. She literally doesn't do anything without the girlfriend.
Very sad really as she now has none of her own friends, just her girlfriends group. Actually quite controlling now I reflect on it.

I'll never understand people who are part of an established group who invite others without checking if the rest of the group minds.

Rude.

What do your other friends think about this?

This recent thread may be of interest

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4630536-friend-brings-her-wife-everywhere-aibu

You are being precious the more the merrier no men fair enough but like it or not she's a woman and it's quite hurtful.

So different rules just because her partner is a woman? Jeez!

No she shouldn't be invited. You guys have a long standing friendship and this is your time to be together as a group of mates. This is no different from if one of you got a new boyfriend and brought him along. Your friend is being unreasonable and I'm sorry to say it needs to be pointed out to her otherwise this will keep on happening.

I think I'd just add an 'oh, are we bringing partners to this one? I'll tell Dave' or something.

That is so selfish. You think "the more the merrier" but you don't ask if the rest of the group agrees, or care if they don't?

I have a friend like this, brings other friends along to things, its so fucking rude.

I think it should be no partners, regardless of male or female. It would change the dynamics. My late wife and I had some friends who we socialised with together and our own friends we saw separately. Gender/sexuality made no difference. I would have felt like I was imposing if I'd attended an event with the friends she made through her pottery group, for example. She wouldn't have felt comfortable tagging along if I went out with people from my archery club. It's about what connections you have with people. Do you think the girlfriend could be insecure about your friend socialising with other females? If so, it's not a good sign.

Interesting. Dont think "no partners" has ever been a stipulation on a night out with friends so I'm not sure here

I’d do this.

Yup- I'd do this too. Its either partners or no partner, sexuality is irrelevant here.

I think it depends to some extent.
If this event is something some of your partners would like to do - say going to see a favourite band or singer - it's fair enough. If it is your regular monthly lunch, or a weekend away, then I think YANBU. It changes the dynamic.

You haven't mentioned how the others feel about it OP?