AIBU to have wanted to get pregnant and now regret it

[Mamatobear]

Sooo… my DH and I thought we’d like to ttc soon as our DS is now 2 and we’d like to extend our family- ideally would like 3 children.
we went on holiday and dtd and didn’t think much of it. It took months and months to conceive our DS so we were expecting to it to take a while to conceive no.2.

anyway… 2 days ago we had a huge financial hit. I don’t want to go into detail but we’ve lost £15,000 ish (so pretty devastating). We decided we’d stop ttc until more financially stable as we were counting on this money- I was thinking maybe next year.

now this morning I was feeling ‘off’ and decided to do a test, fully expecting a negative, and it’s positive. (But very faint)

im now spiralling and have been hit with a feeling of dread and worry.

we can’t afford another baby now… I don’t want to go ahead and risk our financial situation getting even WORSE. I feel terrible as this baby was originally so so wanted, but now will completely devastate our family.

BUT I know I’d hate myself forever if I terminated even thought I think it’s the right choice. I don’t know what to do!?

am I being an awful person? I know many would kill to have a baby 😣

but now will completely devastate our family.

In what way would having a baby in 8 months time devastate your family?

Especially if you were going to TTC next year anyway.

If I was in your position and couldn’t afford to continue, I would terminate. I suspect that you can afford to though - you just need to take a deep breath and work out how. Good luck.

@LemonDrop22 because we can’t afford a baby!
we were struggling financially with our first, to finally be back in a good position.
And now we’ve lost so much I can’t see it working. I don’t know how we can make the money back if we have another now.

but now will completely devastate our family.

How will a third “devastate”??

genuinely asking OP - I had a second when we had very little money, not even the promise of £15k. we managed fine - the essentials were available to us, we didn’t have any grandiose expectations of redoing kitchens, foreign holidays when they’re 6 months, so we just enjoyed our family and then the clouds broke and years later we’re financially well.

Please explain though OP how this works, this “devastation”. Thanks

I’m really sorry you’re in this position; I think you have to go with your gut instinct on this and perhaps take the long view of what position you’d rather be in with you think 5 years ahead

You both have 8 months to get things in reasonable order. Stop stressing and congratulations!

How did you lose the £15k and why do you need it?

(I know everyone needs money, but this is described as a lump sum rather than income. So will your income support the three DCs or are you treating this £15k as income?)

YANBU to feel your feelings of anxiety and stress about this situation. Losing 15k would be devastating to any family I know. Only you know your own circumstances and whether you can afford a baby right now.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Youve only just found out so you’re in shock at the moment. Give yourself a couple of days before making a decision.

it’s a hard decision to make but you are the only one who knows everything, so nobody else has can make that decision for you.

Are you ok to talk it through with your Dh? I personally have nothing against termination and sometimes it’s the right thing to do.

Just because others are desperate for a baby should not affect your decision.

Best of luck.

It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks you’ll manage, not only because ‘managing’ means different things to different people, but because you’re the one that knows your circumstances.

there’s nothing wrong with terminating if you decide it’s the best thing to do in this situation. Situations changing means that sometimes plans change.

@SavoirFlair I mean having just found out I might be slightly over dramatic with my words. But having lost the £15,000 we are back in a pretty sticky situation money wise, with the cost of living only going up.

with my son we were very short of money and made it work. But this time with 2 babies and even less money I’m petrified, I had pnd after my DS and I put a lot of that down to our financial situation. I wanted this time to be different, feel completely prepared and be able to support ourselves financially.

i don’t know if I can bring a baby into the world knowing our situation isn’t stable rn

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. It's fine to end a pregnancy you started in good faith, and no need to hate yourself forever for doing so. Financial hardship is a good reason for not having a child.

Equally, you can choose not to terminate (your body, your choice) and try and find a way to make things work. If you choose this you don't have to feel guilty either.

It's a hard choice but try not to let guilt come to dominate your thinking. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

What does the £15K loss actually mean though?

• that you have no savings buffer and that makes you scared, but you can still afford maternity leave / childcare costs
• that you’ll need to take 6 months leave not 12
• that you can’t feed the child you have, let alone another

It’s such a large amount to lose, of course you’re panicking. But you need to work out what it really means before decided to keep the pregnancy or not.

Thank you for the kind words.

it’s a job related income loss, though we could ‘get by’ it would be a struggle.

It would mean definitely returning to work quickly, if we went ahead and it would most definitely cause a huge amount of stress for our family.

my partner thinks it would be ok and could make it work. But wasn’t opposed to a termination either and could see many benefits to waiting to ttc in the future. He wants to support my choice really

Am I the only one uncomfortable about such a huge decison being the subject of an internet AIBU poll?

I find that rather distasteful tbh but that aside I'm not sure I quite understand the situation, some posters are referring to 3 children and you'll say you'll have 2 babies, is that in addition to the nearly 3 year old or 3 year old you'll have if you go ahead? If you already have a child the extra costs are usually related to having to stop work and childcare ime. Do you work? Can you 1st child access any free childcare, it may not be as disastrous financially as you think Can you do a full budget without the extra money and see what the position will be?

OP money aside, do you really want this baby? And if so, how devastating will it be for your family? Will you lose your home? Unable to eat? Unable to have the bare essentials? If so then I can understand your worry and terminating would probably be the best option.

but you say you’ll be able to try again next year which means whatever is going on financially in your life is only temporary and nothing that major. Losing £15,000 is devastating, but would it really cause you to be destitute if you have another baby?

Babies don’t need to cost the earth and many people end up in this situation before they’re ready for it but make it work.

only you know all the details, I’m just trying to throw out a different perspective as I feel this baby was very wanted hence the pregnancy being planned before things went a bit tits up.

And what if when you feel you’re ready again, something else pops up, another spanner thrown in the works? or god forbid, unable to conceive?

just think carefully if this situation is only short term, you will get through it.

@IcedOatLatte sorry for the misunderstanding. I’m definitely not basing it on a internet poll but using to vent my feelings and hear others perspective, something I can’t do in real life at the moment. I think strangers give much more honest non-biased responses and could be helpful for my spiralling mind

What does losing £15k mean exactly? Losing £15k income per year? Losing a lump sum? Something else?

Op do you both work and have a monthly income. What is your maternity package like?

Am I the only one uncomfortable about such a huge decison being the subject of an internet AIBU poll?

I find that rather distasteful tbh but that aside

what a ridiculous thing to say. Of course the OP isn’t using a Mumsnet poll to decide her and her unborn child’s future. What a stupid way to have a go at someone for no reason.

OP I understand, quite possibly some people don’t get that’s a huge amount of money that would have supported your family for some time.
Have you told your DH yet? I would sit down together and go through your finances and see how you can manage. There will probably be ways. You’ve only just found out so you’re going to be in a spin. Give yourself some time to adjust to the idea, work out your finances and talk about it together lots. Xxx

@Winceybincey

so we wouldn’t loose our house etc but it would be HARD. Lots of sacrifices, we could afford food etc but we’d have to think about everything we buy.

when I said maybe next year that would have been dependent of if we could be back to where we were financially.
Just this will be made VERY difficult if I’m off on maternity leave and with another baby. Maybe it will take us years to get back to that position

but I do agree, no time is ever perfectly right, you never know what life will throw at you

im definitely in shock, my instant reaction was to terminate to ‘solve’ one problem but a termination comes with a lot more baggage than a simple fix and I know I’ll suffer forever if I make that decision

Is 15k loss in potential income, savings, equity? You have time to make some back and economise surely. Reuse whatever you can from dc1.

Sorry I know there’s a lot of confusion with the money. It’s an estimate amount that has been lost but pretty accurate - I don’t want to go into it too much but just know it’s a lot 😅

I work but won’t receive much in terms of Matpay

My advice is to give yourself a week or two to let your head settle on this.There is no emergency and the decision is serious and finely balanced. There certainly isn't a right answer. If you give yourself time the decision you come to will be the best you can do and then you can go ahead and feel that you have done your best by yourself and your family.There will be worries and regrets with either path but all you can do is your best.