Don't get me wrong, DH is a great dad to our two kids, aged 1 and 3 - he does loads around the house, cooks, takes the kids out on his own frequently to give me a bit of a break. But still, I don't think he really gets how hard being a mum is. I think his view is that parenting is hard full stop, and that he's just a bit calmer and somehow more able to manage than I am, and I'm finding that increasingly frustrating.
I feel like he doesn't recognize how much more freedom he has - he's been on work trips, to festivals, had nights out - admittedly not many, but more than me! I haven't had a single night away from the kids in 3 years. I'm still breastfeeding the youngest and so do all the night wakings - up until very recently, I hadn't had an uninterrupted night's sleep for over a year. He can get stuff done when he's looking after the kids - they don't hang off him and demand things from him in the way that they do with me - my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment, which I find quite stressful. He can take the kids out for the day and basically feel like super dad - some days I feel like a great mum, but mostly I feel like I'm pretty mediocre.
Sometimes I just get a bit fed up, you know? Fed up of the whining, constant demands, lack of personal space, the relentlessness of it all. I get a bit moody. I've felt much happier since going back to work part time, but still, I have these occassional days where it just all gets a bit much, and when that happens DH just gets angry with me. He says he finds it really stressful when I'm in a bad mood and he can't be around me. I just wish he would try to understand a bit more instead of basically making me feel like a crap mum. Can anyone else relate? I know that it's hard to be around someone in a bad mood, but the way he reacts just escalates things until we end up having a full blown row. I need to find a better way to handle my frustrations, any suggestions welcome.
AIBU?
To think that men just don't get it?
JasmineJJ · 10/09/2022 22:36
Goldbar · 11/09/2022 11:32
It's not being a martyr to meet your child's needs.
K37529 · 11/09/2022 11:19
@TyFly according to you then all parents are martyrs if they complain that parenting is hard. Say my baby is up all night and I stay up to taking care of them, I’m tired the next day and complain, I’m a martyr because I choose to stay up with them, I could leave them to cry but chose not to. You do not know her reasons for breastfeeding, I wanted to combi my son from the very beginning but anytime I gave him a bottle he projectile vomited and after talking to the midwife she said to try and reintroduce bottles when he was a bit older because the flow was too fast and that was making him sick. I found breastfeeding hard the first few weeks because of latch issues, but I kept going because my baby needed it, doesn’t make me a martyr.
K37529 · 11/09/2022 13:15
@pickledpotato im not referring to the OPs post I’m referring to a comment made by a PP who said that breastfeeding and doing the night wakes alone makes her a martyr. Not once did I say that the OP shouldn’t have time to herself, she absolutely should.
TyFly · 11/09/2022 08:19
Well tbh half of your most is pure martyrdom
You are choosing to BF
You are choosing to do the night wakings
Being a mum isn't hard for me as DH and I genuinely are 50/50
I have at least 2 nights away a month, and have done since DD was 3 months old, DH has the same. I travel for work, as does DH and have lots of time with friends. Because he pulls his weight and most importantly, I allow it.
I pumped purely to ensure equity in parenting. We chose jobs that fit our parenting goals before TTC.
Everyone makes choices in life, you just didn't make the right ones for you and are now moaning about it
Shreik · 11/09/2022 07:44
Really annoys me that you all talk about your husbands 'helping'
It's his fucking child too. He's not helping, are you helping him by breastfeeding or whatever. Stop this mindset and things can change
VioletInsolence · 11/09/2022 14:34
It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.
VioletInsolence · 11/09/2022 14:34
It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.
VioletInsolence · 11/09/2022 14:34
It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.
MercurialMonday · 11/09/2022 13:55
my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment
Finding a sling for 1 year old that's comfortable and quick in and out can make getting things done bit easier - with one hand and toddlers at feet - possible if slightly harder. Or sitting them nearby but with pens, toys etc distractions. I spent years having them set up with stuff at nearby table while I cooked which progressed to homework in primary years.
For school years family calendar/wall planner - everything for everyone on there and checked regularly.
VioletInsolence · 11/09/2022 14:34
It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.
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