To think that men just don't get it?

Of course it's not

It's a martyr to moan about it when you know what you're getting yourself into

Also do non BF babies not get their needs met?

You're not helping yourself here

I agree with Pp that the OP is being a martyr and you just seem to not understand the definition

Making an active choice to suffer over a simpler/easier option and then moaning about it, is martyrdom. That's exactly what the OP is doing.

She can go out, I BF'd mine and still went out many times with friends, short breaks away etc. the OP is choosing not to do this.

Same applies to most of her issues on the post

@Marvellousmadness i didn’t say breastfeeding automatically makes you a good mum, I said trying to do what’s best for your baby makes you a good mum. My comment was aimed at a PP who said that breastfeeding and doing night feeds alone makes the OP a martyr because she is saying she’s struggling with this. Parenting is hard no matter how you decide to feed your child and complaining that it is hard does not make you a martyr. Women breastfeed/formula feed for different reasons, and anyone who has breastfed will know how hard it is to swap from breastfeeding to bottle feeding. Some babies will refuse a bottle, then your left with the decision to continue breastfeeding or deal with a screaming baby for days. I don’t think not going out for 3 years makes you a good mum either she should absolutely have time to herself. My point is that putting the needs of your child above your own does not make you a martyr.

@pickledpotato im not referring to the OPs post I’m referring to a comment made by a PP who said that breastfeeding and doing the night wakes alone makes her a martyr. Not once did I say that the OP shouldn’t have time to herself, she absolutely should.

Which poster said that?

As the one from Ty something didn't say that at all and was your original quote

@pickledpotato this is the commenting I am referring to

My DMum warned me about this - but I think I've had less problems as DH is good at doing stuff and I'm quite good at asking for help or getting DH involved.

However I did get frustated early days when DH was watching the kids so I could revise/paint something needing child free time and within 5 minutes I'd be surrounded and he'd be like I am watching them from an entire floor away - so I went out or they did and at first - that meant me doing research though that improved- or thing had to wait till kids were older or in bed.

MIL managing to engineering situations were I get left with bags, pushchair younger child got upsetting. Few occasions just DH and I and I've been left with youngest child to entertain as too young to do activity - it wasn't as bad possible because there was a discussion and no digs afterwards. I think it was worse because at time we were in area where everyone had family and you'd see family groups at events and adults would take turns. I learnt to head off situations pick activities carefully and kids got older.


PP mention packing - Dh did his bit couldn't understand why I got so stressed because I was making for 4 and doing extra family stuff - however kids got involved much sooner than I thought they could and then worked on lists made with me then did it all.

DH double booking when I couldn't get kids to two different places - flat out rows pointing out he'd been told agreed and eventually got wise and made him find solutions.

So first I think you may need to work on communication - tell him exactly what the issue is and what you need. Then depending on age of kids - are there dads playgroups on Saturday around or as they get older groups dance swimming he could take them to - so you get a break.

I did get touched out at 20 month bf with third - and took it as a sign to reduce then stop bf.

I like walking /parks and toddler groups at this age as I got some headspace and got away from list of household tasks- I think my parents like long drives fro same reason. I had Mum friends who had weekly exercise classes for similar reasons.

my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment

Finding a sling for 1 year old that's comfortable and quick in and out can make getting things done bit easier - with one hand and toddlers at feet - possible if slightly harder. Or sitting them nearby but with pens, toys etc distractions. I spent years having them set up with stuff at nearby table while I cooked which progressed to homework in primary years.

For school years family calendar/wall planner - everything for everyone on there and checked regularly.

That’s how a lot of women see it though. That they are in charge with regard to the children and the household and that men should be “helping”. And if they don’t come up to the arbitrary standard then woe betide them.

many will complain that their husband won’t do things, but often it is the case that he is not given the chance to do certain things or that when he does it is constantly interfered with, criticised or complained about.

and then there are many husbands and fathers who genuinely are just selfish, clueless idiots. But I know a mum or two like that as well. It is rarer though.

It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.

Mum guilt is societal construction.

I agree with you OP.
Honestly I do think on the whole, men have easier lives than women

if that’s the case it’s not something they can be blamed for, is it? Yet they are.

Many mums also don't have 'mum guilt'

As it's a social construct that women perpetuate themselves

Martyrdom on a mass scale

@pickledpotato all true about the mum guilt and martyrdom

I would men feel “it”. Rather than swooping in so they don’t need to plan or feel any stress or discomfort. I would make them step up. If they can’t or won’t step up, then l would question if the relationship was actually going anywhere and did l want to be with them

What happens @JasmineJJ when you tell your DH that you are going out? Does he say no?
Breastfeeding is great but a 1 year old can cope without it being on tap so if you want to go out then do so. Are you working?

Night wean the 1 year old, that’ll solve your sleep problem. Book some nights out or what you want to do, put them in the calendar and tell DH he will need to be home on those nights. You’re martyring yourself.

That’s mad they’re far too heavy for that. Just put him in a playpen or high chair if you need to do something.

Not all mums have mum guilt, not all dads
lack ‘mum’ guilt. I suspect a lot of it is actually cultural/societys expectations

@lilaccottagegarden agree totally - this is what irritates me up the most. Lack of freedom as I’m here.