To think that men just don't get it?

[JasmineJJ]

Don't get me wrong, DH is a great dad to our two kids, aged 1 and 3 - he does loads around the house, cooks, takes the kids out on his own frequently to give me a bit of a break. But still, I don't think he really gets how hard being a mum is. I think his view is that parenting is hard full stop, and that he's just a bit calmer and somehow more able to manage than I am, and I'm finding that increasingly frustrating.

I feel like he doesn't recognize how much more freedom he has - he's been on work trips, to festivals, had nights out - admittedly not many, but more than me! I haven't had a single night away from the kids in 3 years. I'm still breastfeeding the youngest and so do all the night wakings - up until very recently, I hadn't had an uninterrupted night's sleep for over a year. He can get stuff done when he's looking after the kids - they don't hang off him and demand things from him in the way that they do with me - my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment, which I find quite stressful. He can take the kids out for the day and basically feel like super dad - some days I feel like a great mum, but mostly I feel like I'm pretty mediocre.

Sometimes I just get a bit fed up, you know? Fed up of the whining, constant demands, lack of personal space, the relentlessness of it all. I get a bit moody. I've felt much happier since going back to work part time, but still, I have these occassional days where it just all gets a bit much, and when that happens DH just gets angry with me. He says he finds it really stressful when I'm in a bad mood and he can't be around me. I just wish he would try to understand a bit more instead of basically making me feel like a crap mum. Can anyone else relate? I know that it's hard to be around someone in a bad mood, but the way he reacts just escalates things until we end up having a full blown row. I need to find a better way to handle my frustrations, any suggestions welcome.

[TheGlitterFairy]

@lilaccottagegarden agree totally - this is what irritates me up the most. Lack of freedom as I’m here.

[Simonjt]

@VioletInsolence

It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.

Not all mums have mum guilt, not all dads
lack ‘mum’ guilt. I suspect a lot of it is actually cultural/societys expectations

[Wouldloveanother]

@MercurialMonday

my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment

Finding a sling for 1 year old that's comfortable and quick in and out can make getting things done bit easier - with one hand and toddlers at feet - possible if slightly harder. Or sitting them nearby but with pens, toys etc distractions. I spent years having them set up with stuff at nearby table while I cooked which progressed to homework in primary years.

For school years family calendar/wall planner - everything for everyone on there and checked regularly.

That’s mad they’re far too heavy for that. Just put him in a playpen or high chair if you need to do something.

[Wouldloveanother]

Night wean the 1 year old, that’ll solve your sleep problem. Book some nights out or what you want to do, put them in the calendar and tell DH he will need to be home on those nights. You’re martyring yourself.

[Hobbitfeet32]

What happens @JasmineJJ when you tell your DH that you are going out? Does he say no?
Breastfeeding is great but a 1 year old can cope without it being on tap so if you want to go out then do so. Are you working?

[EL8888]

@pickledpotato all true about the mum guilt and martyrdom

I would men feel “it”. Rather than swooping in so they don’t need to plan or feel any stress or discomfort. I would make them step up. If they can’t or won’t step up, then l would question if the relationship was actually going anywhere and did l want to be with them

[pickledpotato]

@VioletInsolence

It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.

Many mums also don't have 'mum guilt'

As it's a social construct that women perpetuate themselves

Martyrdom on a mass scale

[Westernesse]

@VioletInsolence

It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.

if that’s the case it’s not something they can be blamed for, is it? Yet they are.

[AlrightAlrightAlrightMatthewMcConaughey]

I agree with you OP.
Honestly I do think on the whole, men have easier lives than women

[brookstar]

@VioletInsolence

It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.

Mum guilt is societal construction.

[VioletInsolence]

It’s because men don’t have ‘mum guilt’ so they don’t have the same drive to put their kids first. I guess it’s an evolutionary thing….they can have lots of children and we can only have a few so we’re more invested.

[Westernesse]

@Shreik

Really annoys me that you all talk about your husbands 'helping'

It's his fucking child too. He's not helping, are you helping him by breastfeeding or whatever. Stop this mindset and things can change

That’s how a lot of women see it though. That they are in charge with regard to the children and the household and that men should be “helping”. And if they don’t come up to the arbitrary standard then woe betide them.

many will complain that their husband won’t do things, but often it is the case that he is not given the chance to do certain things or that when he does it is constantly interfered with, criticised or complained about.

and then there are many husbands and fathers who genuinely are just selfish, clueless idiots. But I know a mum or two like that as well. It is rarer though.

[MercurialMonday]

my youngest is particularly clingy at the moment

Finding a sling for 1 year old that's comfortable and quick in and out can make getting things done bit easier - with one hand and toddlers at feet - possible if slightly harder. Or sitting them nearby but with pens, toys etc distractions. I spent years having them set up with stuff at nearby table while I cooked which progressed to homework in primary years.

For school years family calendar/wall planner - everything for everyone on there and checked regularly.

[MercurialMonday]

My DMum warned me about this - but I think I've had less problems as DH is good at doing stuff and I'm quite good at asking for help or getting DH involved.

However I did get frustated early days when DH was watching the kids so I could revise/paint something needing child free time and within 5 minutes I'd be surrounded and he'd be like I am watching them from an entire floor away - so I went out or they did and at first - that meant me doing research though that improved- or thing had to wait till kids were older or in bed.

MIL managing to engineering situations were I get left with bags, pushchair younger child got upsetting. Few occasions just DH and I and I've been left with youngest child to entertain as too young to do activity - it wasn't as bad possible because there was a discussion and no digs afterwards. I think it was worse because at time we were in area where everyone had family and you'd see family groups at events and adults would take turns. I learnt to head off situations pick activities carefully and kids got older.


PP mention packing - Dh did his bit couldn't understand why I got so stressed because I was making for 4 and doing extra family stuff - however kids got involved much sooner than I thought they could and then worked on lists made with me then did it all.

DH double booking when I couldn't get kids to two different places - flat out rows pointing out he'd been told agreed and eventually got wise and made him find solutions.

So first I think you may need to work on communication - tell him exactly what the issue is and what you need. Then depending on age of kids - are there dads playgroups on Saturday around or as they get older groups dance swimming he could take them to - so you get a break.

I did get touched out at 20 month bf with third - and took it as a sign to reduce then stop bf.

I like walking /parks and toddler groups at this age as I got some headspace and got away from list of household tasks- I think my parents like long drives fro same reason. I had Mum friends who had weekly exercise classes for similar reasons.

[K37529]

@TyFly

Well tbh half of your most is pure martyrdom

You are choosing to BF

You are choosing to do the night wakings

Being a mum isn't hard for me as DH and I genuinely are 50/50

I have at least 2 nights away a month, and have done since DD was 3 months old, DH has the same. I travel for work, as does DH and have lots of time with friends. Because he pulls his weight and most importantly, I allow it.

I pumped purely to ensure equity in parenting. We chose jobs that fit our parenting goals before TTC.

Everyone makes choices in life, you just didn't make the right ones for you and are now moaning about it

@pickledpotato this is the commenting I am referring to

[pickledpotato]

@K37529

@pickledpotato im not referring to the OPs post I’m referring to a comment made by a PP who said that breastfeeding and doing the night wakes alone makes her a martyr. Not once did I say that the OP shouldn’t have time to herself, she absolutely should.

Which poster said that?

As the one from Ty something didn't say that at all and was your original quote

[K37529]

@pickledpotato im not referring to the OPs post I’m referring to a comment made by a PP who said that breastfeeding and doing the night wakes alone makes her a martyr. Not once did I say that the OP shouldn’t have time to herself, she absolutely should.

[K37529]

@Marvellousmadness i didn’t say breastfeeding automatically makes you a good mum, I said trying to do what’s best for your baby makes you a good mum. My comment was aimed at a PP who said that breastfeeding and doing night feeds alone makes the OP a martyr because she is saying she’s struggling with this. Parenting is hard no matter how you decide to feed your child and complaining that it is hard does not make you a martyr. Women breastfeed/formula feed for different reasons, and anyone who has breastfed will know how hard it is to swap from breastfeeding to bottle feeding. Some babies will refuse a bottle, then your left with the decision to continue breastfeeding or deal with a screaming baby for days. I don’t think not going out for 3 years makes you a good mum either she should absolutely have time to herself. My point is that putting the needs of your child above your own does not make you a martyr.

[pickledpotato]

@K37529

@TyFly according to you then all parents are martyrs if they complain that parenting is hard. Say my baby is up all night and I stay up to taking care of them, I’m tired the next day and complain, I’m a martyr because I choose to stay up with them, I could leave them to cry but chose not to. You do not know her reasons for breastfeeding, I wanted to combi my son from the very beginning but anytime I gave him a bottle he projectile vomited and after talking to the midwife she said to try and reintroduce bottles when he was a bit older because the flow was too fast and that was making him sick. I found breastfeeding hard the first few weeks because of latch issues, but I kept going because my baby needed it, doesn’t make me a martyr.

You're not helping yourself here

I agree with Pp that the OP is being a martyr and you just seem to not understand the definition

Making an active choice to suffer over a simpler/easier option and then moaning about it, is martyrdom. That's exactly what the OP is doing.

She can go out, I BF'd mine and still went out many times with friends, short breaks away etc. the OP is choosing not to do this.

Same applies to most of her issues on the post

[pickledpotato]

@Goldbar

It's not being a martyr to meet your child's needs.

Of course it's not

It's a martyr to moan about it when you know what you're getting yourself into

Also do non BF babies not get their needs met?

[Deadringer]

I understand how you feel and I think most mums feel this way at some point. No matter how much your dh does you are the dc's primary carer and it is natural for them to look to you first to have their needs met and even cling to you a little, that doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. Sometimes people try to pretend that parenting can be equal but in general it just isnt, many women are recovering from birth injuries, trying to get their bodies back to normal, breast feeding and the toll that can take, and then of course judgement from the wider family and society about just about everything, from the state of the house, to the dcs behaviour, to how you have 'let yourself go' when you are a mum. The dad just has to ' 'babysit' now and again and he is superdad. A weekend away once the youngest is weaned would do you a power of good and could be a real eye opener for your dh. And if you do carve out some time for yourself, don't make the mistake of doing everything in advance to make it easier for your dh, like batch cooking or whatever, it's important that he experiences what you do.

[ChiefWiggumsBoy]

I don't think you're wrong, some men definitely don't get it, but I also think you're doing yourself no favours by not just addressing these things?

Say no sometimes. Tell the kids to find dad for whatever. Make plans, and stick to them. It doesn't have to be an ordeal.

I'd also say, if it gets too much and you need (for want of a better word) a time out, just verbalise this before things start getting fraught. I'm going upstairs to read for a bit, I'm going for a walk, I'm going into town for a mooch around the shops, I need a break. DON'T wait until you're so fed up that it's causing arguments.

[Marvellousmadness]

Nor does never ever going out in three years make you a better mum

[Marvellousmadness]

@K37529 "it doesn’t make her martyr it makes her a good mum for trying to do what’s best for her baby,"

I think you do not understand what being a martyr means. Nor do you understand what makes a person a good mum. Breastfeeding doesn't automatically make you a good mum

[GiveMummyTheWhizzer]

Yes. This. Absolutely this.