Friend always wants to stay over

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I have a friend I’ve known about four years. We get on brilliantly, but we’re more drinking buddies then extremely close BFFs. We go out dancing every once in a while, or we sit in my garden long summer evenings chatting away and listening to music.

The thing is, she always wants to stay over. Once, she plonked herself on my couch and said she was too tired to go home and she was sleeping right there. The thing is, she’s a heavy drinker (she said she wet herself once), and my couch is quite delicate. The likelihood of it slim, but can’t stop thinking of that whenever she asks. We live in London and the different forms of transport that could get her home are almost limitless.

I just generally don’t like people being at my place for long periods of time, I’ve had my fingers burnt with a couple of snoopers, one of them is my mother!

She always does this, including just the other night, she plonked herself on my bed and said she wasn’t going anywhere. I laughed it off and playfully dragged her off and said I was tired and needed sleep. She was pouting and I think was genuinely down about being asked to leave.

I might consider letting her stay once in a while if she kept in her lane, but she’s spoken of crashing with me for a days at a time, also inviting her various dates to my place, and I don’t know them from Adam! Neither does she! Maybe she thinks my place is a public lounge? This was a no of course. She knows not to ask now.

She is a very sweet outgoing fun girl, and would do anything for anyone, one of the nicest people I know, and I value her friendship and company, but her lifestyle is a bit wild for me and I don’t want to get sucked into all of that. I do still want her to visit for a fun catch up occasionally.

How do I get her to stop asking without hurting her feelings? I don’t want to lie.

Do you think she's into you as more than just a friend maybe?

Stop inviting her to your place, just as a start

Can you go to her place instead? Maybe just be honest with her and tell her you really enjoy her company but don’t feel comfortable with people staying overnight at your place.

CF

Could there be a reason she doesn't want to go home?

Urgh.

I had a Velcro Friend.

It’s gets worse. Nip it in the bud now.

She lives with her mum, and her mum doesn’t like anyone in the house.

They have a lovely three bedroom home with a large garden. Sometimes she doesn’t get on with her mum, but her mother would be asleep anyway by the time she gets home.

I don’t want to be in bars or pubs all the time when we have a perfectly good “beer garden”, music, and affordable booze and food at home.

Yanbu I also like my space but at the same time I'd feel a bit funny sending a female friend home alone at night after drinking I'd probably rather they stayed over incase something happened especially if they are a heavy drinker. You are probably best reducing your contact slightly or do other things instead of alcohol based activities, say you want to cut back and suggest coffee/ cinema/ dinner etc and see how that goes. Or own it with her and suggest you guys meet at her place sometimes instead. You've obviously spoken with her about inviting random guys to your place and she took that well and took what you said on board so I just think try to find a nice way to put another boundary in there.

Is there the possibility her fallouts with her mom are because of her coming home at ridiculous o'clock all the time?

Maybe she's scared of getting public transport home?

I'd suggest meeting in the day and wrapping up before it gets dark.

She doesn’t live very far from me, and there is always Uber, which is very safe in my experience.

Once I open that door to her, it will be very difficult to close it again, whereas as it is now, you cannot miss what you haven’t had, which is why I wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable.

Her mum became fed up of various people in their home staying for days and being up all night and all the rest of it, but the house actually belongs to my friend, she is respecting her mother’s wishes. She’s a very sweet girl, just has a slightly wild streak.

So she can respect her mother’s wishes but feels like she can treat your home like a free party place and shag pad if she so fancies.
Have a word and tell her she’s welcome to visit but you do not want her staying over. Be firm.

Tell her the sofa is delicate and have an air mattress in the closet to inflate when she stays. Maybe with a rubber sheet?
I would not feel like a good friend if I sent a female friend home alone after dark.

How old are you both?

It sounds as though she is desperate to leave home, but can’t.

God OP your friend has a lot of red flags... No regard for social norms, no sense of boundaries in regards to other people's space, owning her home but avoiding it because of her mother points to a dysfunctional family relationship... A wild streak in a drinking buddy is usually a buddy with a drinking problem. Particularly if she's getting so drunk she's openly admitting to wetting herself. I'd do a slow fade to be honest, before my couch gets wrecked. You sound convenient for her to vacate her home and drink freely.

The house is hers, she has asked her mum to move out before but her mum I think was too scared of being on her own, she doesn’t speak English very well.

It doesn't sound like you have much in common and perhaps she thinks you are better friends than you are if you chat away in the long summer evenings- if I'm honest it sounds a unfair on her, like she is good to have someone to fill some time with.

I'd start cutting back on these boozy nights.

That she can't have late night frolics in her own home, just because her mum lives there, is her problem, not yours.

She's been stifled by allowing her mum to live with her so she's using your place for her frolicking instead.
You need to have a chat, in a sober moment, whereby you tell her that your flat is your space and you don't like anyone staying over .

Easier said than done but you need to have that conversation.

There isn’t enough room in my living room, unless I want to put a mattress on the kitchen floor!

I think I’m liking the idea of limiting ourselves to the daytime.

I couldn't consider anyone to be a friend if they used me like this. You're entitled to your own space and you've made it clear that she's overstayed her welcome. She's rude to ignore your requests for her to leave, when you've hosted her all evening.

For goodness sake, just tell her straight you don't want her to stay over just like her mother doesn't want anybody staying at her home. (Anybody urinated on my furniture wouldn't be let in the door 🤮)

Meet earlier and wrap up earlier, or do things out of the house. I know it's a nice, less expensive option but it would remove this issue entirely. The weather is good enough still to have picnics at the park maybe?

You could say to her before she's next pissed that it's absolutely nothing personal but you don't really enjoy people staying over unless they're visiting you from out of town.

Even out of town don’t get to stay. Had a friend from the USA wanting to stay for 10 days. I told her I would be happy to play tour guide all day everyday but wouldn’t be able to host. It would have been her first trip to London, so it would have been a treat to have a local tour guide willing to devote lots of time to you and ferry you about, I thought. She stopped speaking to me.