In my 40’s but really shy and awkward like I’m still a teenager

[Anony12341]

Please can I have some advice on how to stop being shy and awkward. My child has started a new school and I want to make changes.

They are still young so I am heavily responsible for their social activities. In previous school people would approach me but then as I got shy and awkward they would back away and my child had very little social interactions. I really want to change. I feel I’m not living my life.

The new school seem really friendly and have already organised class play dates and mums social events. I’m really awkward and shy and I don’t know how to change. Had counselling in the past but I’m the same. I think I tend to come across as very vulnerable and lost, especially now that I’m the new parent. How can I be confident and self assured?

I'm afraid I have no advice but I am just dropping in to say - me too. I am 41 and although I don't have children I really struggle with small talk, meeting new people and chatting.

I was at an event last night for DH's business and I just sat there like a lemon desparately shy and trying to think of things to say. I've always been like this and thought I'd have grown out of it by now.

I don't know what the answer is but hopefully someone will come along who does!

Accept who you are firstly it's ok to not be too talkative. Have a list of go to conversation starters - weather, kids etc and ask open questions so you spend more time listening. Practice at home.!good luck!

I can sympathise with you OP. I'm 42 and do struggle in social situations. When my first child started school I made the mistake of sticking by the one friend I already had. When that fell through and she got in with another clique of moms I realised how isolated I was.

You will find as time goes on that mums may form groups as their children attend out of school clubs eg the footie mums get to know each other, mums from Cubs/Brownies etc so the start of the new year/ term is the time to make yourself known and chat to people. Try not to think of the awkwardness and focus on your goal to make new connections for the benefit of yourself and your child and throw yourself into it. Try to stand near someone familiar and catch their eye and ask them something simple like, how is their child getting on. In theory it should be easier now to make small talk as everyone's child is new and in the same boat.

I had some therapy last year starting in October for anxiety after really suffering with my mental health in September and my therapist taught me that I have to accept my anxiety but focus on my long term goals of making connections for me and my children, creating friendships and having fun. I know that ultimately if I don't do this my anxiety will get the better of me and I won't be doing the best thing for me and my children.

I’m 42,I’m exactly the same as you,it’s just who we are op.

Accept that you are shy. It's fine, not everyone is able to speak freely to everyone as soon as they meet them.

Accept that you do want to talk to people. It's the shyness holding you back, not other people.

Decide to over come it. Decide that you don't want this to carry on, the awkwardness is awful, the shyness is debilitating you.

Take a deep breath, start saying hello to folk. Mention the weather. Say you feel like you've not had a chance to talk to anyone yet as the start of school has been so busy.

Ask people questions, how are their kids finding school?

I have been there. I have been so incredibly shy that I've sat at parties and not said a word for hours and cringed inside at how awkward I am. I found it hard making small talk because of my shyness. I hated it.

So I leant into it. I forced myself to talk and smile and say hello. The more you do it, the easier it is.

I pushed myself - went from almost vomiting at the thought of asking a question out loud in a meeting to doing lectures and talks in front of 50 strangers and a 10 minute totally off the cuff verbal presentation with 2 hours notice in front of 350 people. I do these things because if I don't, the shyness wins and I never wanted it to win.

Accept the shyness. Accept you don't want to feel that awkwardness. Decide to push yourself and say hello to folk.

Good luck , you can do it.

Obviously I don’t know you at all so you might be nothing like me - but it took me til I was nearly 40 to realise that I’m autistic, which is the reason I find social stuff so hard (and the reason that for me counselling has never worked either). If you haven’t already, read some stuff about autism in women and see if it fits. Since realising, I’ve stopped even trying to fit in with the ‘popular’ mums, or beating myself up for not being one of them. I have made a few friends at my kids’ schools who are pretty quiet, like me, and at school events I usually look for someone else who looks a bit lost and chat to them.

Also! Rhod Gilbert made a programme about shyness, it must be on BBC iplayer or YouTube. It helped me by watching it, he put into words how I felt. And I actually used it as a starting point.

Feeling shy is ok, but you don't have to get stuck in it. It takes effort but if you want to break through then it is worth it.

Great advice from ThorsBedazzler.

I’d reiterate the practising conversation starters to yourself - honestly, most people are kind and small talk is never particularly insightful, it’s just a way to connect, and that’s all you want.

Do you realise most people hate meeting strangers and small talk and worry about how they come across? It’s really normal!

Is there a class WhatsApp group? Sometimes it’s easier to get started by interacting there - ask some questions about what clubs everyone’s kids do, or something like that. Say out loud you’d love to get to know people but it’s a bit overwhelming with all the new faces! There will be others who sympathise, there will.

Lastly, volunteer for something. Getting involved is the antidote to being on the outside and it’s easy interaction because there’s a task to do or something to discuss.

Good luck.

I used to be very shy.
I am autistic too so struggle with normal interactions.

Like with everything else you need to kind of just do it to make it easier.
You won’t ever get confident driving a car if you never get behind the wheel.

Get out of your comfort zone.

Join clubs, start working out, do things you wouldn’t normally do e.g. going for a bike ride if you’ve not done it in years - as it tricks the brain into gaining more confidence.

I also found if I made an effort with my appearance then I felt better in myself and then had more confidence.

I do still get a bit shy but I am honestly a different person that I was 10 years ago just because I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
If I feel myself getting shy I try and stop myself before my anxiety takes over.

As I am autistic I will think of some things to say before I go anywhere.
So at the school gates I would see someone on their own and go and stand next to them and say some of the things I’ve already planned to say.

Also try and volunteer at the school for events like fetes and bake sales etc if you can.
This will make the school more familiar to you so you don’t feel so nervous and other parents will notice you and come up to you.

Practice practice practice! I used to be so shy I couldn't leave the house without all my family members checking if looked ok, was seeming ok etc.
As I got older I realised I was holding myself back.
Now I would actually say I come across as confident. I still find it very very difficult and literally have to have a rest after all social events but I can do them and actually get joy from them now!

What I did:
I watched tons of YouTube videos about how to be more confident. Confidence is learned and doesn't magically happen. Some just learn better than others earlier on and some need to put more effort in just like lots of other life skills

I spoke in the mirror practised what I would say in each event. Even a mums coffee morning I now always walk in with three things to talk about, initially I'd never start a conversation but as time went on I challenged myself to start. Baby steps first though ! Let someone else say hi first and then see after a few meets if you might be able to go and do that.

I make sure I learn peoples names. That cuts one of the awkward parts about meeting people out. I found this much much easier using the WhatsApp school group to engage in whos dc belong to which mum. Then I'd also know which dc would more than likely 'fit' playing with my dc (alongside what my dc said) so I would actively have an incentive to attempt a conversation with them.

Being a mum and being shy is actually really really hard because you're thrown out the comfort zone, often us shy people have accommodated it by getting jobs allowing us to stay shy, only having friends who accept shyness or just allow us to be the wallflower but actually change is good for everyone, It's taken me a few years though but using this has made me confident all round now and obviously I'm not the most confident person in the room & probably never will be but I am definitely enjoying it more not worrying about these things.

Good luck OP

People are different and that's ok. I'm quieter and more reserved than a lot of people. At the mum pub visits there are a few woman who talk non-stop, you'd struggle to cram a word in edgeways if you tried, especially as the evening moves on and the wine flows. I'm happy to take a backseat, field the odd question that may come my way, have my own conversation with one of the quieter mums. Go along and see. It's fine if you don't want to hold court with the whole table, I guarantee there will be a few others more than keen to dominate.

It’s also much easier to do these things at the start of the new school year as it’s more normal to approach other parents or ask questions.
The longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I come across as very not shy. I talk quite a lot, but I am still socially anxious and I probably talk a lot to mask how I am feeling. So the people who seem confident may not be. If you were to approach me one on one and ask me a single question, like how are you finding the school so far or do you live near or anything, I would feel grateful and relieved you seemed nice, and I would take control of the conversation from there, being chatty, asking you questions and filling silences. I have no problems with conversations luckily, but I am insecure and if you never spoke to me, I would assume you didn’t like me. It is ridiculous and egotistical but that is how I am. You may or may not want a friend like me, but to be honest, I normally relax and become less dominant in the conversation when I get to know someone so it works both ways. I just wanted to give you another point of view. Good luck.

I feel like this sometimes, but it is so unpredictable. Sometimes I'm haply to talk in meetings and other times my heart pounds in my chest with a two sentence introduction. It has held me back so much, but the worst thing is it being so bloody unpredictable, so now I just avoid any presenting at work or making new friends as I can suddenly appear aloof.

I used to have a busy social life in teens and 20's and lots of friends, but once I moved away from that group (broke up with partner and moved) and had kids everything changed. Just never managed to make any solid mum friends due to working FT. A lot of them seem to work less and have a good income from husband, so just don't think we click due to different circumstances.

Thanks for your kind words ThorsBedazzler, good advice. I was thinking of approaching my boss who is well known for being confident snd assertive to get some advice. I know for sure fact that putting certain people 'above' you jn some kind of imagined pecking order will always make you feel shy. The people I know who are most confident just see people as their equal. Hierarchies don't exist with them.

After learning about my personality type, I have also come to accept that I am very introverted now. I prefer minimal group work and after having kids, one social meet up a week would be plenty for me. I like to live in my head and there is nothing wrong with that.

Can you use your rational brain to overcome it? Tell yourself everyone feels a bit nervous when meeting new people (even the loud chatty ones - they handle it a different way) and it's fine to feel nervous but not fine to allow nerves to exclude yourself and your child.

If you are invited to participate in something or your child is invited for a playdate, you can always try saying, "Yes, sign me up!' Or 'Yes that sounds great, text me!" while looking like you are rushing off somewhere so you don't have to get caught in chit chat but you don;t miss out.

Could you overcome it by putting yourself in the other person's shoes? It is so hard to make friends with a shy person. It feels like they are just observing you put in all the effort while they make none themselves and in the end you feel pushy or nosy or overloud, even if you are being quite gentle. I always come away feeling quite low about myself and very rejected when I have tried to chat with a shy person and make friends with them. Try and help the other person out a bit. Volunteer small amounts of info about your DC if you are making school mum friends. It's very easy uninvasive stuff at that stage. 'DD loves gym. I was thinking of trying out that local gym club for her. Do you know anything about it?'

People claim PTAs are full of Queen Bee types and that may be true but you can always help out in some specific area of the school, like library rota or running club and gradually make friends with people who share your and your DCs interests.

Hi op. Like some other posters I am autistic. It actually took my first child moving up to school from private nursery for me to realise and seek a diagnosis. At nursery there's no set drop off/pick up times and I got by, then I got overwhelmed with all the WhatsApp groups and cliques of school.

To be honest, I accepted that I didn't fit in and avoided pick ups by using after-school clubs. I contacted individual mums via the WhatsApp group to arrange playdates.

I do sometimes feel like my children miss out a bit, but I do what I can and they get party invites etc. It got easier for me when the kids got to an age where the parties were drop off. I guess it looks like I ran away from the problem, but I recognised how I socialise best (one on one) and what I can do for my children given my limitations. You may well not be autistic, but I would suggest knowing yourself and following some of the excellent advice posted up thread.

Sorry I forgot to actually add any advice in my post, just good to know other women my age are the same!

One thing I have found helpful in the past is Paul McKenna confidence CD. It's good to give a temporary boost. Another book that was useful was one about confidence vs competence by Tomaz Chamorro-Premuzic. We can over-value confidence sometimes, and people tend to value compassion and competence more. Stop thinking about your lack of confidence and realise that people value other qualities more. Sometimes I am just honest from the outset, I just say hi and that I'm not great at introducing myself and am shy talking to new people, but want to make the effort. Once people know that its just that your are less likely to feel awkward about being judged as odd. A lot of people agree and say they are the same.

i used to know a colleague who started a presentation saying she doesn't feel confident and will blush - she was always great at presenting. I don't think anyone judged her as they had all been there once.

thank you everyone for responding. I’m sorry some of you also have been feeling like this.

I don’t think I’m autistic I think it’s more my upbringing in terms of my parents “made” me into this such as I wasn’t allowed to have friends, I wasn’t allowed to look nice. My mum would call me a “slut” or words to that affect when I tried to improve my appearance. I basically grew up feeling everything was wrong. Even listening to music!

Same. No advice either though. Sometimes I can be “on” in specific situations when required but can’t maintain it over time. Which is probably worse as people might get a first impression that I’m friendly then later I avoid them!
Probably better to just be yourself.

Cognitive behavioural therapy for Social Anxiety Disorder can be really effective - see if you can refer yourself to your local IAPT service

Missed this post. Yeh that’s abuse and I’d strongly recommend therapy. I’m sorry to hear you had to grow up in that environment.

I was the same op, it was down to anxiety for me. Citalopram has been an absolute miracle worker for me. I don’t worry about what people are going to think of me before I speak, I feel so much better.

I had those things growing up too. Also isolated and insulted, including being called a slut and more. It's awful, I'm sorry you had to experience that too.

The good thing is you're not like that. Even when you're shy, you're still a good mum, you're children will still grow up happy and loved.

You've got some good advice here. I think counselling, more practice with small talk (always Remember follow up questions), feeling good about your appearance etc are a good start to gaining confidence with others

I am the same as you and it is very hard.
my only advice is ‘fake it to make it’
force yourself to seem outgoing, friendly, talkative ,etc and you will gradually start to feel it.
People will get to know you more and feel comfortable chatting to you.