Husband says I complain a lot

[Whinegumz]

He’s right. I sense it with friends and colleagues too. I can tell I’m a negative Nancy…

how do I stop this? I hate it about myself but just ends up happening before I am aware of the spiral into another negative conversation.

any tips would be gratefully received!?

My cup is always half empty. Watching with interest.

Write a list of everything you are thankful for every day.
Look on the bright side (or if something bad happens/ not to your expectations, spin it- SAY something positive. Imagine you have a disappointed child who will give you hell if you don’t!)
Easier said then done.
DM always looks on the dark side- some people just do.
DH says I’m chipper, I think I’m probably “too chipper” at times…. Every cloud 🤔

What do you complain about?

My mum was a real whinger. One day we were watching a family video with relatives and she was berating my dad in the background. I think she was mortified to see herself from an outside perspective.

I think many whingers would feel the same.

Pause before you complain. Decide whether or not there’s a need to say negative things and what you’ll achieve by doing it. Try to think and say positive things. Practise gratitude. Sounds like cobblers but if you start your day actively appreciating the good things in your life you’ll notice more and more of them and might perk up a bit. The strength of your body, your working senses, a comfortable home, a cosy bed, your husband, living in a safe country, good weather, what you’re having for breakfast. If you stop and think I bet there are a million things worth celebrating. If you tell people the things you like about them they’ll hopefully do the same for you.

Berating my dad in the video that is.

My son is like this. He's only 8. It makes it so unpleasant to be with him. I'm trying to teach him to be more positive and grateful.

I'd suggest actively looking for positive things to say at every opportunity. There's always something nice, be it a good cuppa, comfy seat, nice surroundings. Just try and say ten positive things each day, no matter how minor. It will start to change your mindset.

Ask people to point out when you're being negative so that you can stop, and turn it round.

just…don’t complain obv. Think before you speak, you’re in control of what words you say

I think sometimes being negative feels safer than being positive. You feel maybe you're bolstering yourself against real bad stuff. Plus it could be learnt behaviour. What your parents like?

Try mindfulness/meditation it helps manage thoughts better so you can be more aware of your reactions. Also the key to happiness is gratitude.

My mum is a really positive person and I've inherited her mind set, it's about always finding the silver lining in life. I don't know how you turn things around because I've always been like it, but I promise that life is better when you're not negative and putting a downer on everything!

Try to turn it into a joke.

DH is like this, as are both of his (divorced) parents. It's wearing and it pulls down others.

I'm the opposite, glass half full. My family are too. I get very enthusiastic about things and others get on board with me. When I'm selling things I do well as people get swept along with my excitement but it's genuine, not a pitch.

Try to remember your mood influences other people moods. Do you always want to be the killjoy? I find beauty in the mundane, look for the silver lining.

Couple of suggestions

Think before you speak. Try to consciously think of positive things to say.

If you notice yourself saying negative things, try to redirect yourself. If that's not possible, say well that's getting a bit negative, let's move on to something else and change topic.

Daily practice seeing good things and reframing statements to positive or at least neutral.

Get out and do things that make you happy atleast once a week then in the week you can reflect on how much of a nice time you had. A walk by a lake? Cinema? Read a new book? Visit an art gallery etc.... It needs to be things you'll enjoy or things you think you'd like to try but they don't all need to be costly.

Have you got a wall calendar that you could put these things on to so you can visually see them to look forward to? Every few weeks you could put something that is a bit more extravagant on, e.g. visit the seaside for the day.

It's easy to moan and be stuck in a negative mindset when your day to day life is just a revolving door of the same thing day in and day out.

This why I love reading the autumn loving skipping through the leaves and snuggling threads. Try to always find the positives in every day life.

Think before you open your mouth. It's not hard. If what you're going to say has no value, keep it to yourself. Everyone around you is sick to death of hearing you bitch and moan, believe me.

I am a talker. I fill gaps and can talk incessantly. It's nerves and instinct. I have to consciously stop myself. I count and distract myself with riddles and fidgeting anything really. I think moaners would be similar. You don't t seem to want to moan (as I hate myself for talking so much- wittering and boring) you need to act. And develop strategies to stop yourself.

I'm not an especially positive person by nature but you don't have to speak all your negativity out loud. Think about what the person you're talking to would like to hear. Don't kill other people's joy.

Develop a dry sense of humour. Negativity couched in a bit of self-aware humour goes down better than just whinging.

I have a counting system. The first couple of moans I count silently. Then quietly as the moans roll on say 3,4,5, my husband then shuts up as he realises what he is doing. He has moaned five times and his attention drawn to it. Ask your partner to do this for you. It does work you become more conscious of your speech.

You're very honest so there's hope for you. It really appears to be an unconscious habit. My MIL was the same

I know I can be prone to this and its not the nicest lesson to learn about yourself but really good to know! I just try to listen to myself when I'm talking and think about the way I'm coming across. I also try to practice how I frame things in my mind before I speak to someone about them. For example maybe something is anything- is it always going to be annoying or is it just temporary in which case does it really matter. I also try to focus on investing more in the other person, building them up and asking genuine questions about their world. I do also totally believe in spending time daily thinking about what is good in life or at least trying to challenge myself to think of a silver lining to any given situation. There is always one even if its tiny but it takes practice to be able to do it automatically. Another way to go about it if something is really bothering you is ask the other person if they have the headspace for you to have a little vent before you just launch into it so they can say yes or no before you put things on them?

CBT might help

@zurala my daughter too. Very draining to be the super smiley positive person as an example to a naturally negative child. What I did was develop a sense of humour around it, some in-jokes, some teasing her for being the way she is, and over the years (many difficult, unpleasant years!) she started to turn her complaints into jokes. She is still a naturally negative person but she has a wonderful dry humour which makes her so much easier to be around. Persevere with your son!

I’m an inherently positive person. Not in an over the top when but can usually find the good in a situation. Except lockdowns which were very depressing for me.

It’s really horrible when people are always negative and complaining.

Id make sure to think before you speak as it can really pull others down and ruin their enjoyment.

Writing a list daily of all the positive things in your life really helps! I've started this as I was heading into negative complainy mode. My partner and I also did one for a while as we were both turning into complete moaners. Also I find avoiding the news for a bit and cutting back on negative mumsnet threads helps :-P