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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and feel a bit weird about this?

27 replies

hardtimescomeagainnomor · 09/09/2022 16:53

I have been friends with someone for over ten years. She has been a really good friend to me over the years and I think I've been the same back. Recently though I've felt a bit of a distance between us. Texts are a bit less frequent, less to talk about etc. but that's okay, we're both adults, we're busy so wasn't too worried.

About 6 months ago I swapped my weekend that my child was at her dads to coincide with weekends she is off her work (she has no children) - at her insistence. However, we've only made plans on one of those weekends so far.

Anyways the other night I messaged her and asked her what she was upto this weekend, she told me her plans and said she was off Sunday with a smirking face so I said we should take full advantage of this and she replied that she agreed!

So today she text me asking about something unrelated and I replied, we had a chat then I said, 'so what's the weekend plans?' She said 'I'm doing blah blah blah tonight and then think I'm going out tomorrow night you?' I replied saying I had no plans and she said, 'come out if you want!'

I feel a bit weird as I thought we were going out together going from our messages at the beginning of the week but she's obviously made plans to go out with other people. I don't really enjoy her other friends company, when we were last out together, she ditched me at one table and went and sat with them for an hour only catching up with me when they left the pub.

AIBU to feel a bit upset and weird about this or am I being sensitive? Please be honest with me, I can take it

OP posts:
Hymnulop · 09/09/2022 16:55

Shes not really much of a friend, I'd just quietly distance myself further if I were you. Or be brazen and say I'm really hurt by how you're acting - she sounds like one of those who makes 'new better friends' and then starts ditching the old ones. Then she may realise at some point that was the wrong choice.

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 16:59

Taking a deep breath and trying to write this as calmly and non offensively as I can as I’m currently surrounded by needed people and it’s very frustrating from the other end.

Many, many people value their own time and space and such a massive commitment could well be off putting. It’s harsh I know but people have the right to ringfence their time and space. She may be a good friend but may only be willing to see you in small doses/ set occasions/ your current routine.

I really don’t want to make you paranoid but I’ve been reading a few other thread todays on friendship/ ghosting and am currently going through it myself with an old friend who is just way too much and I don’t think people realise that their friends may want their own time, space and routines and you might not fit into that.

Sometimes people just need to sit at home alone to decompress from life. I feel awful typing this but you need to consider how she may perceive this too, it’s a pretty drastic move to rearrange everything and she may feel pressured xxx

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 17:03

Not sure if that actually answered your question to be fair 😬 I wouldn’t go personally it sounds like a bit of an empty invite xxx

10HailMarys · 09/09/2022 17:04

Agree with @xxcatcatcatxx.

Whenever there are posts like this one, I always wonder how the person on the other side of the story would describe it. I don't think every tale of being ghosted or ditched is anywhere near as straightforward as it seems.

Original poster
hardtimescomeagainnomor · 09/09/2022 17:09

@xxcatcatcatxx I am open to opinions obviously and appreciate your post. I really don't think I'm a very needy person whatsoever, in fact a lot of the time it is her messaging me first. The other week she asked me if I was free to go a walk one day. I gave her my availability, she never confirmed so I never chased it up. I wasn't upset or anything, as life is busy. It's the fact we had plans and I'm being ditched basically. It's hurtful, I feel hurt but I would never approach her with that as I understand that's my issue to deal with and not hers. She is within her rights to change her mind. I have strong friendships and have never been accused as being needy towards a friend ever (boyfriends on the other hand is a different story).

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 09/09/2022 17:10

From my point of view you were not nearly clear enough throughout the communication:

so I said we should take full advantage of this and she replied that she agreed!
this wasn't at all definite or clear that the two of you would do something together IMO

then I said, 'so what's the weekend plans?
Again, why didn't you say " so what shall we do on Sunday then?" or something like that?

She said she was going out Saturday night, you could go but you don't like her friends so why not remind her she said she was free on Sunday and you would like to do something with her?

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 17:12

That is another element to be fair, life really does happen doesn’t it. There’s another couple of active chats on this too so definitely hunt them down and have a read💕 xxx

Original poster
hardtimescomeagainnomor · 09/09/2022 17:12

Chamomileteaplease · 09/09/2022 17:10

From my point of view you were not nearly clear enough throughout the communication:

so I said we should take full advantage of this and she replied that she agreed!
this wasn't at all definite or clear that the two of you would do something together IMO

then I said, 'so what's the weekend plans?
Again, why didn't you say " so what shall we do on Sunday then?" or something like that?

She said she was going out Saturday night, you could go but you don't like her friends so why not remind her she said she was free on Sunday and you would like to do something with her?

I wasn't very clear you're right. The insinuation was she was off Sunday, as in she could have a hangover from going out Saturday night together.

OP posts:
Underanothersky · 09/09/2022 17:13

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 16:59

Taking a deep breath and trying to write this as calmly and non offensively as I can as I’m currently surrounded by needed people and it’s very frustrating from the other end.

Many, many people value their own time and space and such a massive commitment could well be off putting. It’s harsh I know but people have the right to ringfence their time and space. She may be a good friend but may only be willing to see you in small doses/ set occasions/ your current routine.

I really don’t want to make you paranoid but I’ve been reading a few other thread todays on friendship/ ghosting and am currently going through it myself with an old friend who is just way too much and I don’t think people realise that their friends may want their own time, space and routines and you might not fit into that.

Sometimes people just need to sit at home alone to decompress from life. I feel awful typing this but you need to consider how she may perceive this too, it’s a pretty drastic move to rearrange everything and she may feel pressured xxx

The friend asked her to rearrange the weekends though.

Original poster
hardtimescomeagainnomor · 09/09/2022 17:14

Anyways I asked her, I said, 'who are you going out with? I thought we were doing something on Saturday night but might have picked it up wrong' and she replied saying 'yeah I wasn't sure what was happening as it hadn't been mentioned again and didn't really hear much from you! Still happy to do something though.'

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 09/09/2022 17:21

I think she sounds like the kind of person who you need to be very clear with, if you want plans to come to anything! Don’t be vague and hopes she picks up on it, say ‘So you’re free on Sunday? Me too. Fancy going for a walk/to the pub/for lunch?’, otherwise she’ll fill the gaps with other plans.

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 17:23

Hmm maybe it’s just a miscommunication. Have you asked her about it, is she the type of person who would be ok with milf confrontation ie knowing where you both stand. I know I’m a complete introvert/ antisocial and a wimp about stuff like this which is probably why I’m surrounded by “needozoids” 😅

How did you meet if you don’t mind me asking - not that it’s important to the story just curious xxx

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 17:24

mild*

ShirleyPhallus · 09/09/2022 17:27

hardtimescomeagainnomor · 09/09/2022 17:14

Anyways I asked her, I said, 'who are you going out with? I thought we were doing something on Saturday night but might have picked it up wrong' and she replied saying 'yeah I wasn't sure what was happening as it hadn't been mentioned again and didn't really hear much from you! Still happy to do something though.'

Would love to hear her side of the story as this makes it sound like she thinks you’re being flaky!

Im a bit confused though cos from the first message you said you should take advantage of her being off on Sunday but by that you actually meant you wanted to go out on Saturday?

Chamomileteaplease · 09/09/2022 17:28

Oh I see! You see because of your lack of clarity I misunderstood your post!

I thought you meant you wanted to take advantage of being off on Sunday and therefore be going out during the day on Sunday 😂.

Perhaps in future be more clear and firm things up sooner 😎.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/09/2022 17:32

It could be that she's taking a step back, but its also very likely miscommunication, not being clear on precise days/dates and then she feels free to plan something else rather than be stuck doing nothing

Rather than ditch the friendship, try making very precise texts when these things come up and text... "so you're suggesting meeting up on Sunday 10 of x in the afternoon. In my diary now but if you need to rearrange, no worries, just text me."

If you make it crystal clear and still notice a pattern of being binned off, then you could rethink things, but its worth a try to clarify things with her and send reminders first.

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 17:34

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff Agreed 🥰 Good Luck OP! Keep us updated xxx

CatSpeakForDummies · 09/09/2022 17:35

I think it's the way you communicate, TBH, too vague.

You probably think you're being flexible and accommodating having her make the actual plans and just saying stuff like "I'm not doing anything..." you're really leaving the hall in her court and expecting her to step up.

In reality she'll accept the first actual offer or invitation as you have left her hanging.
Good news is that you can fix this by being much clearer and making suggestions, there's no indication she doesn't like you.

imlevitating · 09/09/2022 17:42

I think this is a you problem. If you want to see her get in touch and be direct about what you want.

I have a friend like this who messages me kind of fishing for me to ask her to do something. It's annoying, I'd rather she just said what she'd like to do and then we can have a conversation about whether that works or something else does.

wackamole · 09/09/2022 17:43

Can you invite her to do a specific thing with you and get her agreement on date and time, even if it has to be a few weeks in advance? It sounds like you're keeping her non-work weekends somewhat free for her but expecting her to make or at least propose the final plans. You also may have to be clearer that you want to do something just the two of you; she may very well think she's including you in her plans and you're not wanting to see her.

Rowen32 · 09/09/2022 18:08

It sounds a bit bizarre that she asked you to switch your weekends to be honest, that's a huge ask and not something I think is right of a friend to put on you, a partner maybe but a friend who doesn't even follow up to make plans then..why in earth did she ask that of you? :-S

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 20:31

xxcatcatcatxx · 09/09/2022 16:59

Taking a deep breath and trying to write this as calmly and non offensively as I can as I’m currently surrounded by needed people and it’s very frustrating from the other end.

Many, many people value their own time and space and such a massive commitment could well be off putting. It’s harsh I know but people have the right to ringfence their time and space. She may be a good friend but may only be willing to see you in small doses/ set occasions/ your current routine.

I really don’t want to make you paranoid but I’ve been reading a few other thread todays on friendship/ ghosting and am currently going through it myself with an old friend who is just way too much and I don’t think people realise that their friends may want their own time, space and routines and you might not fit into that.

Sometimes people just need to sit at home alone to decompress from life. I feel awful typing this but you need to consider how she may perceive this too, it’s a pretty drastic move to rearrange everything and she may feel pressured xxx

That's all very reasonably conveyed Cat - but you seem to have missed the part where this supposedly in-need-of-decompression-time friend URGED OP to change the weekends her kids visit their dad to coincide with the friend's working pattern.

That's a huge ask.
For no result - OP saw the friend for only 1 of those weekends in 6 months.

Sounds to me like OP's 'friend' enjoys exerting power over her, is happy to make demands, but lax at prioritising OP in return.

CheersForThatEh · 27/04/2023 20:36

I think yabu....it reads like you asked if she wanted to do something, she said she was free and up for doing something, then you didnt follow up and make a plan. And you expected her to come up with an idea.

I wouldnt expect her to keep the time free for a few days to see if you followed up or to chase you.

She said yes and you left her hanging by the sounds of it.

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 20:38

It's the fact we had plans and I'm being ditched basically. It's hurtful, I feel hurt but I would never approach her with that as I understand that's my issue to deal with and not hers.
And herein lies your problem.
You are hurt, but not saying so.
You wanted a date with your friend, but are not saying so.
You feel she ditched you, but you are letting her get away with it.

She is within her rights to change her mind.
Not without telling you she isn't.

FFS OP - you changed your childfree weekends for her.
Yet you don't feel able to say "hoi! I changed my childcare arrangements for you, I have kept this weekend free for you, I expect you to either stick to our arrangements, or give me decent notice if you are going to bail."

Why do you think that is?

FictionalCharacter · 27/04/2023 21:40

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 20:31

That's all very reasonably conveyed Cat - but you seem to have missed the part where this supposedly in-need-of-decompression-time friend URGED OP to change the weekends her kids visit their dad to coincide with the friend's working pattern.

That's a huge ask.
For no result - OP saw the friend for only 1 of those weekends in 6 months.

Sounds to me like OP's 'friend' enjoys exerting power over her, is happy to make demands, but lax at prioritising OP in return.

Show quote history

I agree. OP said the friend insisted that OP changes her weekends but Ithere doesn’t seem to have been a good reason for that. She’s treating OP like a B-list friend.