To not go to court?

[Eyeofthelamp]

NC as very outing. Apologies for the length.

My ‘lovely’ exh has filed an enforcement order with the courts as he says I breached our child arrangement order. In a nutshell, I took our DC out for a meal for DS’s significant birthday, the day before his actual birthday, as he had his EOW contact with exh on his actual birthday and I wouldn’t be seeing him. I then dropped DC off with exh 1hr 20mins later than his usual contact start time.

Exh originally agreed to this plan verbally on the phone, however on the day of the meal he sent an email stating that unless I agreed an earlier collection time for my DC on a specific date for an event that exh had tickets for, then the meal couldn’t go ahead and he would collect DC as usual. I had already explained many times that until I got my DS’s timetable for his new school, that I couldn’t 100% agree this. I had no problem with an earlier pick up in principle, I just needed to see the timetable. This wasn’t good enough for exh.

On the day of the meal I ignored exh’s blackmailing emails and took the DC out as they had been looking forward to it. Despite previously agreeing this and knowing our plans, exh still came up our home at the usual time to collect DC. Obviously we weren’t in. DC saw this on our doorbell app and it made us all very uncomfortable and spoilt the atmosphere of the meal. Afterwards I dropped DC off with a very angry exh.

Following this I had a threatening solicitors letter stating that I had breached the arrangements order. Exh now denies he had agreed to the meal and as it was in a telephone call, I have no proof. Before my solicitor had time to respond to the letter, I received a court date for an enforcement hearing. My exh’s solicitor statement is basically asking court to punish me for the breach with community service.

I am due in court in just over a week. So far I have spent over £2500 on solicitor fees trying to defend myself. Whilst I am aware that I technically did breach the order, this was agreed in advance with exh and was only 1hr and 20 mins for DS’s significant birthday. I have never stopped my exh having contact with DC and have been incredibly flexible with contact over the years. This is my first ‘breach’ in 7 years.

My AIBU is, I am currently almost 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy. I feel exhausted, stressed and unwell and the thought of having to attend court is making me very ill. Mentally, I’m a complete mess because of all this. My DH is away on a training course that can’t be moved on my court date, so I have literally no support on the day. Wibu to just not go to court? I feel absolutely broken by all this and can’t cope right now.

For background, exh and I have been divorced for 7 years after he cheated with OW. I was left to raise our 3 DC on my own. They have always seen exh and I have always facilitated contact. Exh is incredibly controlling around DC and everything has to be his way or no way. I have never argued this to keep the peace for DC. The child arrangement order is very biased towards him as when it was made 7 years ago, I couldn’t afford a solicitor and exh had hired an incredibly expensive and aggressive law firm to deal with it on his behalf.

Can you take us from MN with you on the day? Obviously not the same as having someone there in real life. I think the fact you’re heavily pregnant will show just how unreasonable you’re ex is being. Also, could you get a letter from gp/midwife to explain the high risk pregnancy that you may have difficulty attending or may need frequent breaks

You must go. It will look very bad on you if you don't. Tbh I think it's likely the judge will be pissed off for your ex to be wasting court's time, but there is clearly a back story to this, otherwise he is being very inflexible to the detriment of the children. Unfortunately if you don't go the result will likely be considerably worse for you as you will not have a proper opportunity to explain your actions.

His email proves that there was a verbal agreement in place for the variation and his threatening to take you to court for the agreed variation unless you agree to something else is something I imagine the judge would be very interested in.

You have to go or the judge will be forced to rule against you. Its not their choice, its the law.

Keep everything that's written down. Screenshots of where it looks he agreed. (Print them off, judge will refuse to look/scroll through your phone)

Never agree anything verbally again unless you have written agreement to back it up. Never.

I get it OP. The process is the punishment isn’t it.

You need to go. Your Dc are older now and have a voice. Your ex is controlling and will ramp us your pregnant. This is what this is about. So just get yourself ready, take your DH for support and prepare your statement. Your not doing yourself any favours by failing to turn up. A decision will be made in your absence

Do your dc see the real him.or has he manipulated them.I’m asking in the case of them being asked?

Not turning up on the day wastes valuable court time and is looked upon poorly - it will be noted in the court papers that you did not attend and offered no explanation for your non attendance. However it is unlikely the court would proceed in absence unless you had been previously warned that it was a possibility. It would simply be adjourned and parties warned that if they did not attend on that occasion the court could proceed in absence. You would also be asked why you didn’t attend in the first instance and may be asked to provide proof if you example you said you were unwell.
the PP asking about costs - unlikely to be be awarded unless in extreme circumstances as it a) ultimately punishes the children - with less money available for them and b) tends to increase hostility between parents.

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot.

Unfortunately I have nobody that can attend court with me. My solicitor will be there. He has already submitted my statement of fact explaining everything that happened too, hence the £2500.

The arrangement order currently has no end date and because of DS16’s SEN, my solicitor thinks it may run until he’s 18 😞

My exh is absolutely unbelievable. He didn’t want the DC in May on his contact weekend because he went on an exotic holiday with his new GF instead. That’s ok, but apparently an hour extra with me for his own DS’s birthday is unacceptable. I’ve even allowed him an extra week’s holiday with DC in October that he requested, so I’m clearly not inflexible.

This is a man who wouldn’t spent £3.60 to repair DS’s bike brakes because ‘that’s what maintenance is for’.

I’m usually much stronger than this but at the moment I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I had a really bad experience last time in court when the order was made because of exh solicitor. I think that’s making it so much worse.

DC love their father and I would never say anything against him in front of them. I generally don’t deal with him myself anymore due to how nasty and intimidating he his. I leave most contact up to my DH who has always been friendly towards exh for DC sake. Given what he’s putting me through now, DH no longer wants to have anything to do with exh which is making it more difficult going forwards.

I hope that you manage to go Op & I hope that your kids get wise to their dad soon & tell him to fuck off.

I think that your husband might need to step up again for your sake.

very surprised theres been approved a court for this the boy is 16 my dsis was told from about 12 they ask the child what they want to do and take their wishes into account

an hour late as a one off i cant understand it

I agree that your husband might need to just keep stepping up for now, despite how awfully hard this is, but for your sake.

Do you have any friends at all who could give you some support on the day? Do you want to say where you are and see if anyone on MN could support? I know I would support you if I could!

Genuinely hope you're ok and find the strength to get through this. I have no suitable words for what I think of your ex!

Definitely ask for a postponement due to your health/pregnancy. If it's not granted, go.

You say you've got no evidence about him agreeing to the meal, but your description of his email seems to be that he's written that there was an agreement which he's then trying to change - look at the email again- is that what it says? If so, that's your evidence.
At 16, assuming your son has sufficient understanding (which it seems he does) then the court should take his views into account. His texts to his father about how excited he was is evidence of this.

At court, wheneve you go (hopefully after baby arrives!) Keep it simple and say what you've said here. You have only asked to slightly change the pick up time on one occasion because it was WHAT YOUR SON WANTED. Your ex agreed and the email plus texts show that. To change that back at the last minute was unreasonable and not in your son's interest

You can also show that you are prepared to be flexible with arrangements for DC sake - again the email shows that. Good luck!

sorry cross p0ost about your solicitor saying it might run till hes 18

Can you ask the court for an end date at the same time? They might decide to terminate immediately or make it last until 21. You need to know. It would actually be useful to have your ds there in case the judge wants to asks questions...although its more likely the judge will want a different date for that.

You ask why is he doing this. Please accept this statement. It is because he can. That is it.

I appreciate the SEN point but does DS have capacity to indicate how often he would like to see his dad and what is convenient for DS? Perhaps weekends interrupt his social life and he would prefer a mix of evenings and weekends?

The controlling ex part is valid to raise as I think there was a bill about domestic abuse and coercive control?

Perhaps represent your side and state that if needs be ALL communication is to be sent vial email which you will check every week at X date and time and respond to?

Go to court, tell the judge just how you have told it here. Take the advice of your solicitor- maybe explain how the current arrangements work, who knows it could be an opportunity to change things.I’m sure you already are now but always confirm discussions by text/email so you have proof. Good luck.

I'm so so sorry to read all of this. Please breathe and be rest assured that judges and the court system have seen this all play out before. The judge isn't going to be too impressed that his time is being wasted one one singular breach lasting less than 2 hours.
As a PP poster has said, be concise, take all the facts you have. Ugly never wins- silly fool your exH is. Wont pay to repair bike but feeding lawyers fat.

Speaking as a divorced person myself, whilst I'm mindful of your pregnancy etc, I think you should stick to the letter of your childcare arrangements. It's unfair on the dc to have unnecessarily waring parents. If that means doing a significant birthday dinner at a different time then that's what should happen.

Go to court. You don’t need your sol with you. Explain it like you have here.

Judges don’t like being dragged into petty spats over a tiny bit late drop off that was verbally agreed to, especially when it’s a treat for a child’s birthday.

Go and entertain yourself watching the ex get hammered.

Your ex is doing it for control and punishment probably because your pregnant and the only way of control left is via your children.

Make sure your solicitor has all examples of your flexibility and also the emails which basically are trying to hold you to ransom!
A judge doesn't take kindly to people not turning up and in all honesty it sounds like you have a good case. If he lies about the telephone call then get your solicitor to remind him about contempt of court!

Make sure you have all the facts jotted down for you and stick to the facts. Try and take a friend along for moral support.

It won't be the same as last time OP. You were representing yourself last time, you will have your solicitor with you this time and they will do most of the talking.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about making an application for costs if exh application is unsuccessful?

It will be ok. Your solicitor has already done the leg work with the statement of fact, you just need to back it up.

What is the split as things stand? You said it favoured your ex? In light of this is there scope for varying the existing order?

You've had some good advise here OP on the whole you've done nothing wrong...it was arranged you'd have a bit of extra time on your DS birthday, your EXh effectively blackmailed you by going back on his word unless you agreed to something he wanted, stupidly done it via written email.
You've stuck to the court order for years and as you say have been flexible when your Ex has asked.
As much as you feel you're going through so much right now go to court, don't postpone it's going to happen at sometime go and put you case forward, I'd be surprised if the judge didn't give your Ex a stern word in that he learns to stamp his feet elsewhere.
Get it all sorted before baby is born so you can concentrate on them once they arrive, hopefully the judge will see this as a jealous Ex clutching at straws.
As said ask for an end date while there and have a word with your solicitor before you go to court to see if you can claim all costs back that you've had to shell out on as you see it unnecessary to have been taken to court for such a trivial matter.

You need to show up to court. The odds of a judge caring that you were late at handover one time are about 0.000001%. The odds of the judge being annoyed with your eX for coming to court for one late handover are 100%.

go to court. State that you thought there was a verbal agreement for an exception to the handover time. State that you have no intention of letting there be any misunderstandings in the future. You absolutely want to have a good relationship with your EX and comply with the agreement. Suggest that both you and your EX limit non-emergency discussions of exceptions to the standing arrangement to written communication in the future.

your ex is going to look like a nut case. You really don’t need to worry about this. All you have to do is stay calm and you will be fine.

CAO are only enforceable up until age 16 anyway. So this hearing would only be regarding your younger child.

Theres absolutely no way you’ll get community service over 80mins lateness one time, he’s insane if he thinks you will.

My ex was consistently late by 75mins every single week to pick up our children, I took it back to court for enforcement after 6 months of him doing this and they just had a word with him and amended his pickup time to 75mins later than it was.

I mean he’s still late every week like but that’s another story . .