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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to court?

84 replies

Eyeofthelamp · 09/09/2022 10:54

NC as very outing. Apologies for the length.

My ‘lovely’ exh has filed an enforcement order with the courts as he says I breached our child arrangement order. In a nutshell, I took our DC out for a meal for DS’s significant birthday, the day before his actual birthday, as he had his EOW contact with exh on his actual birthday and I wouldn’t be seeing him. I then dropped DC off with exh 1hr 20mins later than his usual contact start time.

Exh originally agreed to this plan verbally on the phone, however on the day of the meal he sent an email stating that unless I agreed an earlier collection time for my DC on a specific date for an event that exh had tickets for, then the meal couldn’t go ahead and he would collect DC as usual. I had already explained many times that until I got my DS’s timetable for his new school, that I couldn’t 100% agree this. I had no problem with an earlier pick up in principle, I just needed to see the timetable. This wasn’t good enough for exh.

On the day of the meal I ignored exh’s blackmailing emails and took the DC out as they had been looking forward to it. Despite previously agreeing this and knowing our plans, exh still came up our home at the usual time to collect DC. Obviously we weren’t in. DC saw this on our doorbell app and it made us all very uncomfortable and spoilt the atmosphere of the meal. Afterwards I dropped DC off with a very angry exh.

Following this I had a threatening solicitors letter stating that I had breached the arrangements order. Exh now denies he had agreed to the meal and as it was in a telephone call, I have no proof. Before my solicitor had time to respond to the letter, I received a court date for an enforcement hearing. My exh’s solicitor statement is basically asking court to punish me for the breach with community service.

I am due in court in just over a week. So far I have spent over £2500 on solicitor fees trying to defend myself. Whilst I am aware that I technically did breach the order, this was agreed in advance with exh and was only 1hr and 20 mins for DS’s significant birthday. I have never stopped my exh having contact with DC and have been incredibly flexible with contact over the years. This is my first ‘breach’ in 7 years.

My AIBU is, I am currently almost 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy. I feel exhausted, stressed and unwell and the thought of having to attend court is making me very ill. Mentally, I’m a complete mess because of all this. My DH is away on a training course that can’t be moved on my court date, so I have literally no support on the day. Wibu to just not go to court? I feel absolutely broken by all this and can’t cope right now.

For background, exh and I have been divorced for 7 years after he cheated with OW. I was left to raise our 3 DC on my own. They have always seen exh and I have always facilitated contact. Exh is incredibly controlling around DC and everything has to be his way or no way. I have never argued this to keep the peace for DC. The child arrangement order is very biased towards him as when it was made 7 years ago, I couldn’t afford a solicitor and exh had hired an incredibly expensive and aggressive law firm to deal with it on his behalf.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2022 11:43

Sorry just read he’s 16! 😱😱 Surely it’s time that he just made his own decision and arrangements?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2022 11:44

I agree with others that DS’s screenshots will be key. He wanted to go for the meal. That should be enough for any good parent.

Delphigirl · 09/09/2022 11:46

If you really can’t face going then put all that information in a witness statement with numbered paragraphs, date it, sign it with a statement of truth, send a copy to the court saying that you feel unable to attend as you are 8 months pregnant and this plus travel will cause you undue stress, copy all of that to your partner, and see what happens. But it would be better if you attended - how about asking to attend remotely because of the advanced stage of your pregnancy?

shoofly · 09/09/2022 11:50

I had to vote yabu because I honestly think you need to go to court. Your ex husband is clearly the unreasonable one, but you have to be there to put across your very articulate and sensible explanation.

Sending you all the positive vibes

Jaxhog · 09/09/2022 12:02

Can you take a friend with you? You might feel more confident with some moral support. Write everything down before you go. But don't just not turn up.

Workawayxx · 09/09/2022 12:03

I'd try and get a doctors note and ask again for an adjournment. but if that doesn't work I think you should go I'm afraid. Do you have any friends/family that could go with you?

Honestly, I think any judge will see you hugely pregnant and upset and your ex being a total twat over 2 children whose ages would mean than their wishes would take priority if they didn't even want to see their Dad at all. Even if the judge did believe your ex that you just randomly withheld the DC (unagreed with ex) for 1 hr 20 mins, it's ridiculously petty for him to take you to court and I think the judge will see that. Surely no judge is going to give a woman about to give birth community service over an hour 20 mins ONE SINGLE TIME.

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 09/09/2022 12:03

Take a friend? I would support you in this situation if you were my friend

DahliaDreamer · 09/09/2022 12:04

Get yourself a McKenzie Friend, they will support you for free and will even go to court with you. They may be able to postpone the date as well: www.mckenziefriend.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwyOuYBhCGARIsAIdGQRONY9F7-c27Em6fA_bu4ZhrPkymhZM9X6xOC2M-VcqcJ7__FdgMbG4aArr4EALw_wcB

Star81 · 09/09/2022 12:05

Go to court. In 7 years if there has been no issues I can’t see a judge taking a 1hr 20 min breach seriously especially given the age of the children.

email only from now on so you have proof.

SpringMum30 · 09/09/2022 12:08

You have to go but I really feel for you. I’m going through the courts at the
moment with a controlling ex and it really takes it’s toll plus your pregnancy too. But you can do this you just have to be strong and articulate the truth and hope the judge sees sense

Ana86 · 09/09/2022 12:10

So far I have spent over £2500 on solicitor fees trying to defend myself.
Have you spent this in relation to this 1hr 20 min breach? What does your solicitor say? Given the huge backlog of serious cases in the family courts I can't see a judge being impressed by being asked to hear this.

As an aside, has the order now lapsed for the 16 year old? The general rule is that the contact part of an order only lasts till 16 but it may depend on the order you have. I

Testina · 09/09/2022 12:10

You shouldn’t not turn up.

But bloody hell, it would do my mental health the world of good to attend and hear the judge tell him off for wasting court time!

Ogwen · 09/09/2022 12:13

Definitely attend. You have absolutely nothing to be worried about. His application reflects very poorly on him.

mamabear715 · 09/09/2022 12:13

Yes, go to court unless obviously you're not well enough.
Be as articulate as you've been on here, esp about DS's birthday & how HUGE it was to him. Court is about the children, NOT the parents, & I'm sure any judge will see straight through Ex DH.
Only a few more years of his idiocy, keep your chin up.. x

Crumpleton · 09/09/2022 12:20

Exh originally agreed to this plan verbally on the phone, however on the day of the meal he sent an email stating that unless I agreed an earlier collection time for my DC on a specific date for an event that exh had tickets for, then the meal couldn’t go ahead and he would collect DC as usual.

Irrelevant of it only being agreed in a phone call doesn't the email he sent imply that he knew you were going out for a meal wouldn't be home.

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2022 12:21

Yes turn up if you dont it will be a victory for him

It may well be if you do turn up this all backfires on him

Howdoyoulikeyourtea · 09/09/2022 12:25

Crumpleton · 09/09/2022 12:20

Exh originally agreed to this plan verbally on the phone, however on the day of the meal he sent an email stating that unless I agreed an earlier collection time for my DC on a specific date for an event that exh had tickets for, then the meal couldn’t go ahead and he would collect DC as usual.

Irrelevant of it only being agreed in a phone call doesn't the email he sent imply that he knew you were going out for a meal wouldn't be home.

This. He knew about the meal and threatened you in this email. The judge will take one look at that and throw ex case out.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 09/09/2022 12:28

Please attend.
Surely the judge is going to see this for what it is. Lay it all out, I bet this isn't the only time he has bullied you over the last 7 years.
Write a factual statement.

Read it out. You can do it. Do it for you & your DC. Don't let the bastard grind you down, you must have a really strong case. They'll see straight through him waste of time. Waste of space.

Spanielsarepainless · 09/09/2022 12:34

I voted that YABU as if you don't turn up at court he will use this against you. Find a friend who can support you. Your solicitor should be there with you too.

Itwasntright · 09/09/2022 12:35

You must go, otherwise the judge will have no option but to find against you.

NicLondon1 · 09/09/2022 12:37

Your ex is an absolute arsehole. Shocking abuse.
Have a good cry now, get lots of rest and look after yourself.
Then, take a friend and turn up, try your best. Explain the whole situation.
Try to see it as going to a medical or other necessary appointment; maybe get a cab there if easier to save on stress..... then treat yourself that evening to something nice. Sending hugs, so sorry x

HeythereDelilah101 · 09/09/2022 12:37

What an absolute prick your ex is. I have one like it so I get it. Try and go, although I completely understand you don’t want to, I’m 8 months pregnant too. But I’m pretty sure he will just look petty. It will be fine op, you won’t get community service for that. Easy for us to say but don’t stress yourself. It won’t be long and they will both me old enough to make thier own choices. To be honest most courts will listen to them at the ages they are now. They did my 11 year old.

spishy · 09/09/2022 12:44

I would go to court and explain. You've come this far even if you feel deflated it would be worth going to at least show your ds you contested this regardless of the outcome you will always stick up for what you believe to be right.

eurochick · 09/09/2022 12:46

I can't believe your ex is wasting the Court's time.

Be clear that there was a verbally agreed variation that he then tried to renege on short notice. This was not in your son's interest as he was looking forward to the meal, etc.

UniversalAunt · 09/09/2022 12:46

Turn up to Court even if you have to be carried in - of course, a wild exaggeration but you must make your appearance.

PPs have suggested getting some extra support on the day & also mentioned that it is not uncommon for exes to kick off unreasonably when a new baby or marriage is looming.

An heavily pregnant defendant turning up in court to account for a modest delay after 7 years sticking to the agreements made, & with enough of a text history to indicate plaintiff’s attitude, will show your Ex up to be a complete arse.

Genuine question: if the case is shown to be ‘vexatious’ or the complaint overblown, might OP get her legal costs covered by her Ex? That might nip his nasty negging attitudes in the bud?