My DH and I have one DS who is 16 months old. I’ve never been a hugely maternal person and only came round to the idea of having a child after I got married, but even then I wasn’t massively looking forward to it, not until I was actually pregnant.
I absolutely adore my DS, he brings me so much happiness and I don’t regret anything about having him whatsoever. But my husband has now started talking about when we’re going to try for DC2.
Honestly, when he brought it up the first time my body went cold. The thought of going through pregnancy and the newborn days again fills me with dread. My time is so taken with DS at the moment and I can’t even bear to think about trying to share more time with another child. I know it’s meant to get easier as they get older, but I really can’t picture myself with 2 kids at all.
I am self-employed with quite a young business that I have to dedicate all my spare time to, so the first year of DS’s life was spent working whenever he napped and being incredibly stressed. He now goes to nursery a few days a week and I still work when he’s asleep, so although it’s slightly easier it’s still quite intense.
My husband is 37 now, I’m 35. I have no intention of having children into my 40s but I am absolutely nowhere near ready to think about having another. I don’t know if I ever will. I broached the subject with DH the other day and asked how he’d feel if I decided that one was enough and although he said he would be fine with it, he looked so sad.
I just don’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t think I want any more, ever, but I’m also really sad about the prospect of this making my DH unhappy.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
AIBU?
Wanting a different number of children
WhatTheFlap · 09/09/2022 09:40
WaltzingWaters · 09/09/2022 09:56
How hands on is your DH with DS? does he help with night wakings? Would he consider working less so you can focus on your business more?
If your DS is only 16 months he’s still so young and completely dependent. Wait another year and see how you feel.
girlmom21 · 09/09/2022 09:49
The person who has to do most of the work gets the final say.
FrozenGhost · 09/09/2022 11:25
Your DH said he'd be fine with it, so take that on face value and know it will be fine.
However if you also aren't 100% sure, maybe put a pin in the discussion until dc is 2. Quite a few of my friends have been in this situation (whether it be the women or the man who was reluctant) and in many cases the reluctant person naturally had their feelings change around that time.
Note I am not saying "oh you'll change your mind" in a patronising way, you may not and that's totally fine. But it's just a time frame I've seen quite a bit.
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WhatTheFlap · 09/09/2022 11:14
He’s very hands on. I’m lucky in that he works from home 3-4 days a week and will do as much as he can when he’s not working. Ever since I stopped breastfeeding at 7 months he’s also done 50/50 with any night wakings although we’re very lucky that DS sleeps through 95% of the time.
DH suggested he could take 90 days unpaid paternity leave next time (maybe spread out at 2 days off per week) so I can continue working, but this would of course bring our income down quite a lot for a long time and that seems crazy in the current climate.
I definitely did take the bigger hit when it came to career, but now that my business has moved forward so much I’d basically have to get rid of a load of clients and then build up again if I tried to take any form of maternity leave.
I don’t know. I see benefits both ways for having 1 or having 2, I just honestly can’t imagine having another. My SIL has 2 girls who are lovely, but their entire lives revolve around them and their activities and it just fills me with dread picturing my life like that. I sound very selfish but that’s the reality for me.
DH hasn’t had anywhere near as much disruption to his life so is seeing a lot through rose tinted glasses (I think).
WaltzingWaters · 09/09/2022 09:56
How hands on is your DH with DS? does he help with night wakings? Would he consider working less so you can focus on your business more?
If your DS is only 16 months he’s still so young and completely dependent. Wait another year and see how you feel.
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