Wanting a different number of children

[WhatTheFlap]

My DH and I have one DS who is 16 months old. I’ve never been a hugely maternal person and only came round to the idea of having a child after I got married, but even then I wasn’t massively looking forward to it, not until I was actually pregnant.

I absolutely adore my DS, he brings me so much happiness and I don’t regret anything about having him whatsoever. But my husband has now started talking about when we’re going to try for DC2.

Honestly, when he brought it up the first time my body went cold. The thought of going through pregnancy and the newborn days again fills me with dread. My time is so taken with DS at the moment and I can’t even bear to think about trying to share more time with another child. I know it’s meant to get easier as they get older, but I really can’t picture myself with 2 kids at all.

I am self-employed with quite a young business that I have to dedicate all my spare time to, so the first year of DS’s life was spent working whenever he napped and being incredibly stressed. He now goes to nursery a few days a week and I still work when he’s asleep, so although it’s slightly easier it’s still quite intense.

My husband is 37 now, I’m 35. I have no intention of having children into my 40s but I am absolutely nowhere near ready to think about having another. I don’t know if I ever will. I broached the subject with DH the other day and asked how he’d feel if I decided that one was enough and although he said he would be fine with it, he looked so sad.

I just don’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t think I want any more, ever, but I’m also really sad about the prospect of this making my DH unhappy.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

In a similar situation, so watching with interest.

just can’t imagine going back to square one. Makes me feel nauseous

Honestly I felt exactly the same until my first DD was 2 and then I felt like I could probably do it again... Fate meant I didn't have another one for quite a few more years though. I'd say don't put yourself under pressure, wait another year and see how you feel then x

It’s your body so ultimately it is up to you.

It sounds like you’ve also been the one to take both the career hit and the impact on your sleep and physical well being - you must be knackered if still working whenever he sleeps.

Dont be pressured into it is my advice.

DH and I were in different places about having another DC as, like you, we had a young toddler and an older toddler, I'd just returned to work, we'd also just moved house. It's such a tricky issue because there isn't a compromise, you can't have half a child. We agreed to stick a pin in it for six months and see where we were by that point as our youngest DC would be a little older and things would be more settled at work and home. Kicking the can down the road by a few months actually did help. By the time we spoke about it again we were more in line with one another, our DC were slightly older and not quite so relentless in terms of needing constant input, work was more settled, and the house was more in order. We had another (two) DC.

I was like cavia tbh and ended up with a five year gap - children at (almost) 30 and at 35.

I had the reverse with my second, I wanted one and my husband didnt. Now I'd feel like you though about a third, I absolutely wouldn't do it, the thought of an accidental pregnancy makes me feel sick and panicky and I know it would be the wrong thing for me.

Not going to lie the first 2 years were so tough (2.5 year age gap). Now though they entertain themselves a lot, in a way they don't necessarily do if they are on their own. It's worked out well for us as they get on well at the moment, and have similar interests, however that's pure luck and could have been very different. It's still logistically tricky at times and as we both work I'm worried about finding time for homework and stuff now they're both at school

This sounds silly but I always imagined in the summer, in a few years, do you want to be for example watching two kids playing with each other in the paddling pool? Or playing with one kid in the paddling pool?

The person who has to do most of the work gets the final say.

Ten year gap here @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing 🙈 I don't recommend such a massive age gap though. Feel like I've been parenting hound kids forever 😂 I wouldn't be without DD2 though- she's so precious

How hands on is your DH with DS? does he help with night wakings? Would he consider working less so you can focus on your business more?
If your DS is only 16 months he’s still so young and completely dependent. Wait another year and see how you feel.

I always imagined having 2 but after my first baby, we both felt like maybe 1 was enough. Just couldn’t imagine having another, wasn’t ready to do it all again etc

we seriously considered sticking with 1 but my husband said he felt like in 10 years time we’d regret it and it would be nice for our 1st to have a sibling (there are none and will be no cousins on either side).

so we agreed that we’d aim to have another baby when the 1st was 3 yes old. That felt like a good gap that I felt comfortable with and was financially sound.

i still was very not ready to be pregnant at the time we discussed it but I knew when we were aiming to conceive and as that time came closer I started to feel excited and ready for it.

so I’d say, think about the future and what you want it to look like rather than the right now.

Sixteen months is really not very long after having given birth. If you do at some point want another, you might be surprised at how quickly it comes on. I felt exactly the same as you at exactly the same point, albeit it was an easier situation as DH wasn't bothered either way at that stage either. Within six months I had completely changed my mind and we were TTC again.

That isn't to say that you will or should want a second, just that you're still in a very fluid, up and down period. You do also have a bit of time as well, even with your bright line being that you don't want to have a baby in your 40s.

He’s very hands on. I’m lucky in that he works from home 3-4 days a week and will do as much as he can when he’s not working. Ever since I stopped breastfeeding at 7 months he’s also done 50/50 with any night wakings although we’re very lucky that DS sleeps through 95% of the time.

DH suggested he could take 90 days unpaid paternity leave next time (maybe spread out at 2 days off per week) so I can continue working, but this would of course bring our income down quite a lot for a long time and that seems crazy in the current climate.

I definitely did take the bigger hit when it came to career, but now that my business has moved forward so much I’d basically have to get rid of a load of clients and then build up again if I tried to take any form of maternity leave.

I don’t know. I see benefits both ways for having 1 or having 2, I just honestly can’t imagine having another. My SIL has 2 girls who are lovely, but their entire lives revolve around them and their activities and it just fills me with dread picturing my life like that. I sound very selfish but that’s the reality for me.

DH hasn’t had anywhere near as much disruption to his life so is seeing a lot through rose tinted glasses (I think).

You either do. Or don't

But if you do. Do it soon
Because some women want it... but not "now" and then when the are ready mentally, their body isn't ready anymore

So think long and hard.

The person who does the most work does not get the final say, surely? The person who says no gets the final say, because no one should be forced into having a child if they don’t want to, for the sake and for the kid’s.

Your husband can be upset OP, but that doesn’t mean you have to have another child if you don’t want one. You can always revisit it later if your feelings change, but if they don’t change that’s fine too.

Me and my husband discussed this before baby number one

I don’t know. I see benefits both ways for having 1 or having 2, I just honestly can’t imagine having another. My SIL has 2 girls who are lovely, but their entire lives revolve around them and their activities and it just fills me with dread picturing my life like that. I sound very selfish but that’s the reality for me.

There can be a really big leap between 1 and 2, it's true. Logistically speaking.

The person who doesn’t want another child’s wishes always trump the person who wants another, as PP said nobody should have a child they don’t want. Having one child is a perfectly valid choice. You and/ or your DH may find counselling either alone or jointly helpful to talk through your feelings.

Your DH said he'd be fine with it, so take that on face value and know it will be fine.

However if you also aren't 100% sure, maybe put a pin in the discussion until dc is 2. Quite a few of my friends have been in this situation (whether it be the women or the man who was reluctant) and in many cases the reluctant person naturally had their feelings change around that time.

Note I am not saying "oh you'll change your mind" in a patronising way, you may not and that's totally fine. But it's just a time frame I've seen quite a bit.

That really isn't true.

The person who says no gets to say no, they shouldn't be forced into having another child against their will.

The person who does want another has the option of leaving the relationship and having a child with someone who does want one if it's that important to them.

I agree, and similar happened to DH and I. A one year old is still a baby really, it's not a long time after pregnancy and birth in the grand scheme of things. In my circles it took until the child was a bit older before a lot of people made their final decision. Obviously there is the question of being older, but at 35 there probably is time for a bit longer to see how things pan out.

Your body, your choice.

If you want one DC have one DC.

But if your DH wants more he's free to divorce you and shack up with a baby machine a decade younger than you.

(And don't expect him to pay child support or show up to contact either)

It's shit. Men have choices. Women have chores.

I would have liked another child. DH didn't.
We have one DD and she's fab. I am sometimes a little sad about the children I didn't have but have long since made my peace about it.
It's not unusual for couples to have different aspirations and you have to talk it through and come to an agreement.

DH might be able to take "shared parental leave", which is not entirely unpaid, so financially you might look at that.

I never thought I'd have an only, but having had DD at 35, by the time I felt like I could think about it, I was getting a bit older and was happy with how things were without starting all over again. An only child has worked for us as a family - she's happy with it, and there are all sorts of things you can do with one child that you can't do with more. I used to joke about having heard all the people saying "if my first had been as hard work as the second, there would only have been one..."

For you, I wouldn't rule it out just yet - you might feel differently once the first is a bit older, but it's probably a good thing that you have mentioned now that you might want to stick at one.

I think that a lot of people have this idea before having kids that they would like X number of kid's. Then once you have a baby your living with the reality of having a child such as the tiredness, sleepiness nights ect. The reality is that most women take a hit career and money wise having a baby and having a baby can be tough on your body. It takes awhile to get over the birth and for your body to fully recover.

If your self employed it can take time to build a business and you can't take long periods away in the early years. A few years of hard work and the odd late evening can pay back down the line. If you built up your business you could afford in time to get even a PT worker which would give you more flexibility as your child gets older.

I think people think that they need to have 2 children and one of each would be ideal. The reality is that it's ok to only have 1 child and be in a good financial position to give them a good education and pay for the extras like music lessons ect.
It far easier to do things with one child rather than 2 and cheaper as well.
Also as you get older you have a higher chance of having a special needs child and also twins are more common in older mother's.

I waited. There was no way I could force myself to have an unwanted child.

After 4 years I suddenly wanted one. So everything was fine. But if that feeling had never come I wouldn't have, regardless of any man's feelings.

Forcing someone to have a baby they don't want with a sulky attitude and veiled 'oh you've made me unhappy' threats would be twisted.