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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wanting a different number of children

29 replies

WhatTheFlap · 09/09/2022 09:40

My DH and I have one DS who is 16 months old. I’ve never been a hugely maternal person and only came round to the idea of having a child after I got married, but even then I wasn’t massively looking forward to it, not until I was actually pregnant.

I absolutely adore my DS, he brings me so much happiness and I don’t regret anything about having him whatsoever. But my husband has now started talking about when we’re going to try for DC2.

Honestly, when he brought it up the first time my body went cold. The thought of going through pregnancy and the newborn days again fills me with dread. My time is so taken with DS at the moment and I can’t even bear to think about trying to share more time with another child. I know it’s meant to get easier as they get older, but I really can’t picture myself with 2 kids at all.

I am self-employed with quite a young business that I have to dedicate all my spare time to, so the first year of DS’s life was spent working whenever he napped and being incredibly stressed. He now goes to nursery a few days a week and I still work when he’s asleep, so although it’s slightly easier it’s still quite intense.

My husband is 37 now, I’m 35. I have no intention of having children into my 40s but I am absolutely nowhere near ready to think about having another. I don’t know if I ever will. I broached the subject with DH the other day and asked how he’d feel if I decided that one was enough and although he said he would be fine with it, he looked so sad.

I just don’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t think I want any more, ever, but I’m also really sad about the prospect of this making my DH unhappy.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFlap · 09/09/2022 17:04

Ihadenough22 · 09/09/2022 15:43

I think that a lot of people have this idea before having kids that they would like X number of kid's. Then once you have a baby your living with the reality of having a child such as the tiredness, sleepiness nights ect. The reality is that most women take a hit career and money wise having a baby and having a baby can be tough on your body. It takes awhile to get over the birth and for your body to fully recover.

If your self employed it can take time to build a business and you can't take long periods away in the early years. A few years of hard work and the odd late evening can pay back down the line. If you built up your business you could afford in time to get even a PT worker which would give you more flexibility as your child gets older.

I think people think that they need to have 2 children and one of each would be ideal. The reality is that it's ok to only have 1 child and be in a good financial position to give them a good education and pay for the extras like music lessons ect.
It far easier to do things with one child rather than 2 and cheaper as well.
Also as you get older you have a higher chance of having a special needs child and also twins are more common in older mother's.

Thanks for your message, and yes completely this!

We could have had a thousand conversations before kids in terms of how many we’d like and what we’d call them and what we’d all do together, but you really have no idea what will happen. It annoys me when people say “we discussed it before we had children” - good for you, but people can change their minds.

A lot of people definitely see 2+ kids as the ideal, so many have asked me when I’m having another like it’s not even a question. It makes me feel like I’m wrong in how I feel right now as most other mums I’ve met know they want another.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFlap · 09/09/2022 17:06

NovaDeltas · 09/09/2022 16:19

I waited. There was no way I could force myself to have an unwanted child.

After 4 years I suddenly wanted one. So everything was fine. But if that feeling had never come I wouldn't have, regardless of any man's feelings.

Forcing someone to have a baby they don't want with a sulky attitude and veiled 'oh you've made me unhappy' threats would be twisted.

I don’t think my DH would ever do this, but knowing he wants another would always be in the back of my mind, like I’ve let him down 😔

OP posts:
Fullupdowntown1a1 · 09/09/2022 17:21

@WhatTheFlap it’s a really tough one but no one can know how they are going to feel about having another child until they have one. As someone who knows several adults who felt they weren’t strictly wanted as children, I’d urge you not to have number 2 or 3 without really wanting them. It doesn’t matter how deep you bury it, a younger sibling whose there because “having two is what you do” or “didn’t want DC1 to be lonely” can sense they are not quite the priority ever- but if you actively don’t really want them you might find it hard to resist genuinely resenting them and that’s good for no one. One is enough!

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 09/09/2022 17:29

We could have had a thousand conversations before kids in terms of how many we’d like and what we’d call them and what we’d all do together, but you really have no idea what will happen. It annoys me when people say “we discussed it before we had children” - good for you, but people can change their minds.

Absolutely. Until it's happened, you just do not know.

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