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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re the state of DD’s room? (Age 18)

59 replies

SwissCheeseToastie · 08/09/2022 15:46

DD has had a long summer off since A levels and her room is worse than ever, although to be honest it’s been over a year since I helped her do a proper spring clean.

I have offered to help many times and do a proper clear out alone/ with her but that just seems to stress her out and she always says no.

I have done a bit of a tidy up/ superficial en suite bathroom clean, as a kindness when she was at college. I know that mess doesn’t help her mental health so that’s why I have tried to keep on top of it to a degree.

However, since the end of the summer term (and since she turned 18) I just feel more than ever that it’s not up to me to get involved in the way I have before.

And yet, the state of it does bother me. Examples are mould in due to damp towels being dumped on surfaces. Filthy shower tray. Lots of cobwebs. Wall to wall floordrobe with dirty/ clean clothes mixed up. Thick dust on nick nack covered surfaces. Cupboards and drawers bursting open.

AIBU to think that older teenagers shouldn’t expect their rooms to be cleaned for them? (DD doesn’t but then it just deteriorates more and more )

AIBU to think older teens should clean their rooms so that they are broadly inline with standard of cleanliness in the rest of the house as a whole (unless parents are clean freaks!)

If I’m not being U how can I articulate why it matters to me that her room is so grotty when I don’t have to spend time in it myself?

Any advice? (The rest of the house is fairly tidy and clean but cluttered in places. )

Maybe it’s my fault that it’s like this and I should’ve done more for her…

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 08/09/2022 17:56

IncessantNameChanger · 08/09/2022 16:18

It's totally up to you and your own standards / ways. It's your house after all. My house, my rules?

With my eldest who is now 18 I have told him its his job now. He has and can wash and dry his clothes ( praise the Lord!) At last. He can remake his bed. At a push he might Hoover up.

But at the same time if he is out and it looks grotty I will go in, change the bed and hoover. But he is always grateful, I wouldn't do it if he was against me going into his room.

My very low standards are to never mix dirty and clean washing. Not let anything rot.

Find your line and then say as a minium she must do at least that. Like the floordrobe. You won't wash it until / unless she puts clean washing away and dirty bits in the laundry. Until then she washes it. That's not too much then. It's not overwhelming to just do that one task. Offer help if she will take it

Pretty much this. I long ago stopped worrying too much it’s just not worth the argument - it is their room and they can quite clearly see that’s not the same standard as the rest of the house.
Having said that I was telling friends a couple of weeks ago I no longer iron for my (adult) DC and they were horrified I wasn’t fulfilling my duties as a mother (😂)

Ki44 · 08/09/2022 18:30

She doesn't care because it's not her house and not her towels and she doesn't need to pay to replace nor fix things. She literally doesn't even think about it. Ah the joys of being young and not having to think.....

This can only be resolved by throwing all her stuff out into the garden.... and bagging it up to take to charity.....at least that's the kick up the arse I got when my Mum reached 'the end of the tether with me' haha 😂

skippy67 · 08/09/2022 19:58

WhiskerPatrol · 08/09/2022 15:56

She's 18. Ask her to clean up or move out.

Such a stupid comment. Move out to where? With what?

WhiskerPatrol · 08/09/2022 20:50

This reply has been deleted

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WhiskerPatrol · 10/09/2022 08:22

skippy67 · 08/09/2022 19:58

Such a stupid comment. Move out to where? With what?

Show quote history

Did you read the OP? The DD is 18 not 8. She's an adult - plenty of 18yos live independently, so your comment's more stupid than mine.

mrsjackrussell · 10/09/2022 08:29

I haven't cleaned the kids rooms since they were around 14. I gave up as it got so stressful so I just shut the doors and let them get on with it. My 21 yr old dd who was revolting at home and now lives with boyfriend is very tidy and clean.

I think at 18 your dd should do her own washing particularly if its just thrown anywhere.

Advicerequest · 05/01/2023 09:53

I was like this. My parents closed my door and left me too it. I'm glad as it was a fight they couldn't win. I have adhd and still struggle with organsijng and clara I g.

one of my daughters is messy and sometimes I help her by tidying her room but she doesn't mind me doing it. If yours doesn't mind and you don't mind doing it also then go in for a clean up if you think it will help her - otherwise shit the door and wait for her to grow up (unless it actually impacts the public spaces in house?

screamingchild202 · 05/01/2023 10:01

YANBU.

After trying to reason with my brother multiple times about his untidy room, my mum finally gave him an ultimatum. Clean up after yourself, keep your room tidy or move out. He now not just cleans up after himself, but helps my mum out with cooking and other chores too.

Kanaloa · 05/01/2023 10:02

I expect my older kids (12 & 11) to keep their room in a basically clean and tidy state. They know this is the rule. The way I see it, I’m doing them a favour. When they go to uni/start to rent they will need to keep their room or home in a good state. To me it’s unacceptable to be living in mess and dirt. I would tell her she is living at home rent free but that does come with some expectations - such as caring for her surroundings. Help her by all means, but don’t be sucked into the kind of ‘helping’ that means you doing it all for her.

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