Re the state of DD’s room? (Age 18)

[SwissCheeseToastie]

DD has had a long summer off since A levels and her room is worse than ever, although to be honest it’s been over a year since I helped her do a proper spring clean.

I have offered to help many times and do a proper clear out alone/ with her but that just seems to stress her out and she always says no.

I have done a bit of a tidy up/ superficial en suite bathroom clean, as a kindness when she was at college. I know that mess doesn’t help her mental health so that’s why I have tried to keep on top of it to a degree.

However, since the end of the summer term (and since she turned 18) I just feel more than ever that it’s not up to me to get involved in the way I have before.

And yet, the state of it does bother me. Examples are mould in due to damp towels being dumped on surfaces. Filthy shower tray. Lots of cobwebs. Wall to wall floordrobe with dirty/ clean clothes mixed up. Thick dust on nick nack covered surfaces. Cupboards and drawers bursting open.

AIBU to think that older teenagers shouldn’t expect their rooms to be cleaned for them? (DD doesn’t but then it just deteriorates more and more )

AIBU to think older teens should clean their rooms so that they are broadly inline with standard of cleanliness in the rest of the house as a whole (unless parents are clean freaks!)

If I’m not being U how can I articulate why it matters to me that her room is so grotty when I don’t have to spend time in it myself?

Any advice? (The rest of the house is fairly tidy and clean but cluttered in places. )

Maybe it’s my fault that it’s like this and I should’ve done more for her…

[catandcoffee]

Just leave her room as it is....close the door.

how can you be responsible for your adult child choosing to live like that... of course you're not.

[Theraffarian]

I’m lucky , in terms that I work part time , so time was never an issue in keeping their rooms clean, and to be honest it would have stressed me far more than it worried them at all to see the cleaning jobs building up in their rooms.

It makes us smile now that in the last couple of years since they have moved out that they clean up and tidy their own places constantly, whereas they would have happily left their bedrooms here in any old state .

[SwissCheeseToastie]

@ScottishBeth thank you for sharing your experience x

I do realise that it’s potentially quite complex- donut probably saddens me more than annoys me. She is having a year off and hasn’t yet got a job so worry it could be a slippery slope.

[Weemummykay]

@WhiskerPatrol

She's 18. Ask her to clean up or move out.

This. My son is near enough the same age(18 in November) I don’t have to say to him tho. She probably just to used to you going in and doing everything because she’s knows ul give in eventually.

[Mollymoofer]

Sounds standard to me, OP. I just had to clean and gut my 18 yr kid’s room after they left for uni - and that was after them thinking they’d done that already 😂

They’re Asunta by law to be sure but they’re still maturing.

[Mollymoofer]

“Asunta”??? Adults!

[FarFromHome2]

@catandcoffee

Just leave her room as it is....close the door.

how can you be responsible for your adult child choosing to live like that... of course you're not.

But the OP isn’t asking if she’s responsible, she’s asking if she’s being reasonable to require her daughter to keep her room clean and tidy.

I think that she is. It’s perfectly reasonable to have rules around how your children treat your home, including “their” rooms.

[Arou]

After a point my mum used to say. Right bins are going out tonight, here’s a bin bag and some wipes sort your room out or everything on the floor is going in the bin lol. Never believed her, but never tested her on it ha. I never would have if she hadn’t prompted me because I was a nightmare as a teenager. I’m much tidier now!

[SignOnTheWindow]

@surlycurly

I spent 6 hrs gutting my 18 year olds room on Sunday. I literally threw out her bedding and pillows etc because they were so disgusting. She's just left to go to uni and I had to wash the floor 4 times. I was absolutely horrified but it was not going to happen if I was relying on her doing it. She's autistic and I could have told her all day every day to clean it and it would not have happened. My 15 year old is also disgusting. The rest of the house is immaculate so I'm beyond frustrated but I do have to accept that it's their space and they have to be the ones who have to have the desire to clean it. It's not easy though. I feel your pain.

She probably doesn't have the executive functioning skills to be able to tackle it. My DD1 is like this (I am too, though over the course of my lifetime I have learned various tricks to help myself. At 18 I was incapable of knowing where to start).
There are lots of strategies that help DD - Google 'tidying tips for executive dysfunction'. Some may help with your kids too.

[georgarina]

Agree that this sounds like executive dysfunction. Even as an adult I have no problem cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, but clutter just overwhelms me.

[blockpavingismynightmare]

We need photos

[FarFromHome2]

@SignOnTheWindow

She probably doesn't have the executive functioning skills to be able to tackle it. My DD1 is like this (I am too, though over the course of my lifetime I have learned various tricks to help myself. At 18 I was incapable of knowing where to start).
There are lots of strategies that help DD - Google 'tidying tips for executive dysfunction'. Some may help with your kids too.

The OP hasn’t mentioned any significant brain trauma, or severe congenital defects, so it seems incredibly unlikely that at eighteen she doesn’t have the executive function to tidy a room.

At eighteen others people’s children are studying physics at Oxford, learning weapons systems on a battleship, or racing in Formula 1.

[Aspiringmatriarch]

At eighteen others people’s children are studying physics at Oxford, learning weapons systems on a battleship, or racing in Formula 1.

And many of those probably have very messy rooms!

[savehannah]

My 16 year old's room is pretty disgusting with dirty and clean clothes all over the floor. She specifically tells us angrily not to go in there and tidy when she's out. She says it's her room so why should we care. It bothers my tidy husband more than me. Not sure what the answer is really. I can't give a good answer for her for why I care what her room is like.

[wheredidIleavemystyle]

@FarFromHome2

The OP hasn’t mentioned any significant brain trauma, or severe congenital defects, so it seems incredibly unlikely that at eighteen she doesn’t have the executive function to tidy a room.

At eighteen others people’s children are studying physics at Oxford, learning weapons systems on a battleship, or racing in Formula 1.

You're showing your massive ignorance of executive function disorders.

They don't need to stem from "significant brain trauma or severe congenital defects" FFS.

It could be undiagnosed ADHD or ASD.

And, do you know what, some of those people who are studying physics at Oxford, learning weapons systems or racing in formula 1 may well have ASD or ADHD and lack the executive function to keep on top of a tidy room!

In fact you've mentioned 3 professions that are very well suited to ADHD (thriving under pressure and hyperfocusing on subjects of interest) or high functioning ASD (can be great at technical systems and also hyperfocusing on subjects of interest).

A close family member ticks one of these boxes exactly, in fact.

[wheredidIleavemystyle]

OP your Dad's room rounds just like mine at her age.


I've since been diagnosed with ADHD. Have you ever considered it?

[wheredidIleavemystyle]

If she's about to go off to uni or start work, being diagnosed with ADHD now (or at least starting the process) rather than when everything falls apart would be infinitely preferable.

If that's the issue, of course.

[drkpl]

Your daughter should have been expected to clean her room by herself at a muuuch younger age. That’s why you’re having problems now. People don’t turn 18 and magic into reasonable adults. You start giving them responsibilities and independence in their teens.

[mathanxiety]

You're going to have to roll up your sleeves and do an initial massive deep clean with her.

It's easier to keep a space clean and tidy when you start from a clean slate, so to speak.

A few details stand out -
You do her laundry?
Stop that immediately. She is an adult.

Her wardrobe and drawers are full to bursting?
She needs to drastically cull her clothing.

You can help her do all of this.
You're going to have to put your foot down and insist that there are basic rules for living in your house. Do not be put off by protests, arguments, etc. Either she helps you or you do it all yourself and she lives with the consequences of your decisions about donating her clothing, rearranging her crystals, etc.

What are her plans for her year off?
If she has no plans, I would be extremely concerned that she is depressed.
What reason does she have for not going straight to university?

She is at a turning point now that she's finished with secondary school. It's your job to turn her into an adult. To accomplish this, you have to stop doing things for her that she should be doing for herself.

[VioletInsolence]

I clean my son’s room. This year - before he starts uni - I will be making him do jobs every day so that he knows how to clean. I think we just expect them to know.

Maybe use a Flylady checklist or some index cards (I’m keen on the Sidetracked Home Executives book from the 80s) and try to get her to understand that if she spends five minutes every day it will stay clean.

[Miriam101]

I was like this as a teen and 20 something. Had screaming rows about it with my mum, who couldn't understand it and took it as two fingers up to her (which it really wasn't) as well as showing a horrible disregard for material things. In retrospect it was pretty gross and I don't totally get it except that I used to just not see it in the way others would. It certainly didn't bother me, or affect my mood, in the way that naturally clean/tidy people assume it would. I've got better at it now, because I've had to, but I still have very messy tendencies. I'd just leave your DD to it. Try to blank it out. She won't be like it forever!

[Miriam101]

To add: I do sometimes wonder if I have ADHD!!

[mbosnz]

I tend to say, right, your place is a pit. You have up until this time, this date, to clean it, or I'll be cleaning it. I will clean it to my standards, and obviously you might have differing opinions as to what is trash and what is treasure. If you clean it, you know my standards, so make sure you do it within cooee of them. You've been warned!

[Goldencarp]

if my teens don’t do their rooms then I do it. If they don’t want me in there then they should do it. I can’t stand mess even if it’s behind a closed door.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

For the damp, do you have a fan for the bathroom on the outside wall? If not, maybe a dehumidifier would help.

For the floordrobe, it might help to talk about fire hazard and hoarding issues.

www.london-fire.gov.uk/media/1608/clutter-image-ratings.pdf

www.target-fire.co.uk/resource-centre/fire-risks-dangers-hoarding/