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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my husband being a dick about this?

38 replies

Phonecalll · 08/09/2022 14:31

I was on a walk earlier today and ended up in a bit of a wooded area. It was just me and our baby.

I started walking an up ahead there was a group of teenage boys about 16-18 all stood around smoking, hoods up, black clothing and looking over at me approaching, talking about me (or looked like it anyway) etc..

I'm a little bit anxious about teenage groups like this especially when I'm on my own so I got my phone out and rang DH to speak to him just as I was walking past them.

DH is self employed so whilst I know it's still work, it's not like ringing him in an office where his boss might go mad at him. He works alone in a workshop so not out on jobs with customers either.

Anyway he acted like such a dick. Huffing, saying 'for fuck sake' basically just being really arsey about me having rang him just for that and me asking to just speak to him for 2 mins whilst I walked past. I even said just put me on speaker and carry on with what you're doing, I just want to be on the phone with someone for two mins that's all.

In the end I just hung up and walked past.

AIBU to think he was being a dick and it's not a big deal to just have me on the phone for two minutes if it made me feel safer whilst I walked past? Fwiw I never do this, I can't even remember another time where I've had to ring him to feel a bit safer so it's not like it's a regular occurrence but surely it's not a huge ask occasionally?

OP posts:
Carrieonmywaywardsun · 08/09/2022 14:33

Yanbu. Does he not realise how unsafe that situation could have been for you?? Terribly inconsiderate of him

sheepdogdelight · 08/09/2022 14:33

Being on the phone with someone in a potentially dangerous situation makes you less safe.

And it's not as though he could actually do anything? I'd find it a very odd request.

FriendOfDorothyGale · 08/09/2022 14:34

Yes - he was being an absolute cock.

Fancy your wife saying she was scared and the husband getting in a mood about it. It's not like you asked him to come and pick you up ffs.

I can't imagine why anyone would do that. Prick.

FriendOfDorothyGale · 08/09/2022 14:35

sheepdogdelight · 08/09/2022 14:33

Being on the phone with someone in a potentially dangerous situation makes you less safe.

And it's not as though he could actually do anything? I'd find it a very odd request.

Well if it made OP feel safer, what was the issue?

If you were out and scared, would you not ring someone for a bit of reassurance?

Twawmyarse · 08/09/2022 14:36

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're being a bit paranoid. What made you think they were talking about you?

Maybe just pretend to be on the phone next time. Your dh could've been kinder but do you do things like this often?

Original poster
Phonecalll · 08/09/2022 14:37

Maybe just pretend to be on the phone next time. Your dh could've been kinder but do you do things like this often?

No, I said as much in my OP. I just didn't get a good feeling so wanted to talk to someone as I was going past.

OP posts:
Flowerytoe · 08/09/2022 14:38

In the end I just hung up and walked past.

How did that go?

Original poster
Phonecalll · 08/09/2022 14:41

Flowerytoe · 08/09/2022 14:38

In the end I just hung up and walked past.

How did that go?

Fine obviously as I'm here posting this 🤣

It's not the point though. It's not that I was sure something was definitely going to happen, I just felt uncomfortable and wanted to talk to my husband for a matter of minutes.

OP posts:
Flowerytoe · 08/09/2022 14:44

I think it's reasonable to expect him to be a bit more understanding.

I think its also reasonable to not always expect him to be able to answer or for him not to be in the best mood to listen properly.

Did you catch him at a bad time?

Flowerytoe · 08/09/2022 14:45

I just felt uncomfortable and wanted to talk to my husband for a matter of minutes.

Is there anyone else you could have called?

Feeling uncomfortable rather than unsafe is quite different I think.

Original poster
Phonecalll · 08/09/2022 14:46

Is there anyone else you could have called?

In hindsight yes but considering he's my husband I'd assumed he would prefer me to feel safe even if it meant him just hanging on the phone for a couple of minutes.

I even said he didn't need to talk, just keep the phone on for a min whilst I went past.

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 08/09/2022 14:49

Flowerytoe · 08/09/2022 14:44

I think it's reasonable to expect him to be a bit more understanding.

I think its also reasonable to not always expect him to be able to answer or for him not to be in the best mood to listen properly.

Did you catch him at a bad time?

This. If you're in the middle of something and focused and you have to take a call from someone being unnecessarily paranoid, it can be annoying. But at the same time, he could have been a lot nicer about it.

I know you don't usually call him, but do you overall tend to be a bit anxious and is that something he's frustrated by?

Flowerytoe · 08/09/2022 14:59

I'd assumed he would prefer me to feel safe even if it meant him just hanging on the phone for a couple of minutes.

Maybe he feels you need to take ownership of your own feelings and be a bit more self sufficient. I'm saying that from a place of being overly reliant on my husband in the past. I was setting myself up for being disappointed.

Darbs76 · 08/09/2022 15:01

Perhaps he would like to understand how vulnerable woman can feel sometimes. Because he clearly hasn’t gone a clue. I’d be really angry with him

wackamole · 08/09/2022 15:06

I would follow up with him later, face to face, to make sure he understands why you called and why you were surprised by his reaction rather than continuing to be upset/assuming he was intentionally being an arsehole. It's possible he's clueless.

I WFH, and I do expect people to treat that as "work" the same way they would if I were in the office. I don't like unnecessary interruptions -- but this one, especially as you've said it's not something frequent, would be fine and understandable.

I wouldn't fault him if he'd been busy, on a call, etc. and therefore didn't answer the telephone, but since he did choose to answer there's no reason he couldn't have stayed on for a few minutes as you asked. If he'd mistakenly picked up thinking you were another incoming call he was expecting and needed to take, he could have told you that rather than belittling you.

Daisychainsx · 08/09/2022 15:13

Im kinda confused by a lot of the responses youre getting OP. My DH has and would literally drop everything if it was to do with my health or safety. As would I for his. If he swore down the phone at me for wanting a bit of reassurance while passing a group of young guys while alone with our baby(!!)... I would be so hurt and angry. And probably see him as a very different person.

alphons · 08/09/2022 15:20

I would have been pretty annoyed If I were your DH. Just turn around and walk somewhere else? You’re an adult. You need to cope in the outside world, you have a child! Having him on the phone was pretty pointless - it only made you <feel> better. You can’t demand that someone drop what they’re doing the second you demand it in order to make you feel better Confused That’s what toddlers do

PrincessMarsh · 08/09/2022 15:21

sheepdogdelight · 08/09/2022 14:33

Being on the phone with someone in a potentially dangerous situation makes you less safe.

And it's not as though he could actually do anything? I'd find it a very odd request.

Why is it less safe to call someone?

There are schemes designed specifically to do this, i.e. lone women can call a number and someone stays on the line with them until they confirm they are home safe.

The person on the other end of the line can do actions like call the police if they hear anything which implies you are in a dangerous situation, which you may be unable to do yourself in such a situation. It also may make the perpetrators think twice because someone is fully aware of where you are and what is happening via the call.

Given you've said this is a rare, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You should listen to your gut, ignore anyone telling you not to.

Your husband should be supporting you, asking your husband to keep you company for a few minutes whilst you were scared is absolutely not unreasonable. If it was a general anxiety issue that is completely different but nothing in your post is implying that.

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 15:25

You felt uncomfortable. Fine
Pretend you are on a call or something
But the way he responded makes me think that you might overreact on too many occasions and he is over it.

It was a group of kids. In black clothes. LOOKING at you.

No. I am with dh on this.

Timeforredwine · 08/09/2022 15:27

Im with you. Ive done this befire. What is it coming too when you cant call your husband anytime for anything and vice versa.

Timeforredwine · 08/09/2022 15:29

@Daisychainsx totally agree.

sheepdogdelight · 08/09/2022 15:30

Why is it less safe to call someone?

If you are holding the phone you do not have your hands free.
If you're using headphones/earpods you can't hear what's going on around you.
If you're focussed on your phone call, you won't be able to focus on what is going on around you and you will potentially need your wits about you.

If a female friend rang me in OP's situation, I would ask them where they were, suggest they find another route and get them to ring me in a couple of minutes time when they were safe. (with a view that I would sound the alarm if they didn't)

I would not want to distract them by keeping them on the phone.

Myshitisreal · 08/09/2022 15:32

What has wearing black got to do with it please?

Am I some sort of degenerate because I wear a lot of black?

Pixiedust1234 · 08/09/2022 15:37

Men do not understand how much women have to change their behaviour in different situations. The obvious one is that men do not think twice going out at night. You need to sit him down and explain. Also explain how many women die each week at the hands of men. Point out that poor woman (psco?) who died in a field walking her dog. The poor woman who died in Ireland going for an afternoon run, or maybe that poor woman who trusted a met police officer...

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 08/09/2022 15:41

I don't understand why people are being so pissy and dismissive to the OP.

It is irrelevant whether the group of teenagers were going to do something or not. At that point in time, OP felt vulnerable with her baby.

All her husband had to do was say, okay chat to me. I'm in the middle of something, but will put you on speaker.

What the hell is the issue with that?

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