I have no boundaries at work, and it’s going to make me ill (again)

[Noboundaries]

I’ve only recently returned to work after having time off for anxiety, and already things are slipping. Today I worked until 10:30pm (so 5.5h extra) and will be getting up at 7 to work for 2h before I officially start work as a senior manager at work asked if I could have something ready for first thing tomorrow, when I didn’t have time. It was an urgent task and nobody else had time either so I just smiled and said that I’d have it ready for them. I could have easily said no sorry, I can only do it by the afternoon but I have project managers on my back to save time in my workload for things like this. Then I had my manager making lots of last minute requests for things and with two colleagues absent I felt like I wasn’t really being asked, but told to help.

I’m so upset and frustrated with myself. It’s all my own fault and I know IABU. I can feel myself getting into the same situation I was in before where I became too ill to work

Agreed this is not sustainable and you've identified your own solution.

Why do you think you didn't say that today?

What is it that is making it so hard to put boundaries in place?

I manage people and I'd much rather they just told me straight that they can't do something (and suggest an alternative for getting it done, in my dream world) than tied themselves in knots.

It's easier to manage people who are direct and assert their needs and boundaries, believe me.

If saying no is a real issue for you, could you try a different approach and put the decision making back on the managers?

Eg. Manager: I have this urgent task that needs doing can you help?
You: I can but I am working on XYZ this morning, which would you prefer I do? OR
You: I can but will need to work until around 10pm to finish it so would be coming in late tomorrow.

Change your mindset. Realise that if you died tomorrow, they'd quickly find a replacement and you'd be thought no more of. Harsh but true. If you don't look after yourself, then no one else will. You have one life. Enjoy it now. Start pushing back. I'm a professional too and that's my attitude!

Have some stock phrases for next time this happens. 'I can't fit this in with my already existing workload, what do suggest I stop doing?', 'I need to leave work on time today, so I won't be able to complete what you have asked' etc.

As others have said you need to put yourself and your health first.

I think you need assertiveness training OP, to just say no. It's a hard skill if it doesn't come naturally but once you've gotten into the habit it's a lot easier - and once people hear you say no a few times, they don't ask as much. Right now people are probably coming to you as you always seem to say yes and get the job done (great!) and they're not seeing the damage it's doing to you at all. They won't know it's too much for you unless you tell them.

When someone is signed off sick, goes on mat leave (and doesnt yet have cover in place), leaves or dies, the company doesn't collapse. Miraculously everyone copes. So that report can definitely wait until the next day.
My stock response at work has always been: "I have this much capacity, what would you like me to prioritise?" or "I have this much capacity, this is what I suggest I prioritise".
At the end of the day OP, you're doing this to yourself, so it's time to stop being a victim and sort yourself out.

Sometimes ‘no’ is a one word sentence.
men are far better at this than woman.
Not ‘no, sorry’. Just ‘no’.
like a pp said, they don’t care about you - so you have to care about you .

Just ask what they want you to prioritise.

Could you speak to your manager and ask for help setting boundaries. They can know not to ask or can help fend off others who are asking. Just while you settle into learning to say no yourself?

You’re a giver by nature, but other people can take advantage of it if you don’t set boundaries.
Have you ever asked yourself why it’s ok for others to refuse to take on a task, but you do at personal cost?
I totally agree with @TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet and ask your manager which of the tasks takes priority.
Good luck and have courage!

I'm so sorry this has happened 😞

Your trying to please too much.
1st unless he directly ask you do not step forward.
2nd take the word yes and ok out of your answers.
3rd start telling him you are too busy, as a first response.
4th tell him you did the job, but now need more time for your original work load, and please pack up and go home on time.

More managers than not by the sounds of it

I used to tie myself in Knots them I realised i didn’t need to. I got asked to turn around something this week which is normally a 3 day notice with just a few hours. I said ‘ok I’ll see what I can do but just be aware I have x report which is due tomorrow and it may be delayed by jumping to this. Is that ok?’ The director came back k ‘yes the y thing is a priority please can you do it and get the other report to me when you can.’ I got both done but it gave me suave to breathe knowing I could take an extra day. It’s fine to set expectations if you have a task ask what the deadline is.

I used to manage a woman like you, OP. She was her own worst enemy. If I'd ask her to do something she'd nod and smile and get on with it, so I had no idea there was a capacity issue - until one day she started crying, saying it was all on top of her, etc. And then we had to put a plan in place for her only taking on work that was manageable.

Your manager can't know you're struggling unless you tell them. Just ask what they would like you to priorotise. Or say "tomorrow morning isn't possible, but I could have it with you by 4pm" - or whatever. You need to make your manager aware of the issues and manage expectations as to how much work you can do - otherwise people will naturally assume your workload is being managed and keep giving you that amount to do.

This.

I spent 3 years doing up to 3 hours (unpaid) overtime EVERY DAY 'because everyone does it'.

Then I had to take 3 months off work for an injury, not a single soul got in touch with me whilst I was off (not even HR). Handed my notice in within a month of returning, they'd already recruited my replacement as an 'indefinite temp' whilst I was off without even asking when I would be back.

I'm so much happier now, not been asked to do a minute overtime, and shudder to think why I let work dominate my life for so long.

You're an employee, a bod who does a job. They would recruit within 4 weeks if you left.

You need to start pushing back for your own sanity.

It's fine to agree to have something ready for today but then you say to your manager "X needs this for first thing tomorrow. I can get it done before I leave (at your contracted finish time!) but it means X, Y and Z won't be done until tomorrow which might delay A."

Then it's up to the higher ups to battle out their priorities.

The “good” thing is you know what’s going on with you.

the “bad” thing is that now you have to do something about it. Which is hard for someone like you. (And me in the past)

you know what the problem is, you’ve been given some great suggestions to help you communicate your concerns and boundaries, just take a deep breath, do a couple of Hail Marys if it helps and speak up for yourself

as it was pointed out, nobody else can do this for you. You need to take care of you.

good luck love! We’re all here rooting for you

There are lots of excellent videos on tik tok about setting boundaries and rebuffing requests for extra tasks at works. I am retired now but I wish they had been around when I was working.

Your manager is a very poor one, as will be aware why you have been away from work.

Perhaps one of the things you should do is talk to your manager and say that you cannot at present manage last minute requests and so not to ask you to begin with. Unless you are in say medical circles, I'd guess a lot of the 'urgent' things come from bad planning or forethought.

You say you recently had time off. What happened to your workload while
you were off, OP? Did everything collapse? Was it a complete disaster?

I was in a similar situation recently. What helps me now I am back is remembering what happened when I was off. Absolutely nothing. The work got done by other people. Someone (internally) even escalated my absence to my senior leadership, and their reaction was pretty much ‘meh, deal with it’. They certainly did not say ‘oh yes, it’s terrible, I can’t believe she’s had the audacity to be sick because she couldn’t do two people’s jobs at once’.

We had a production manager at my old
job. Worked crazy hours and was always fed up with it. She left. New person arrived looked at the workload set boundaries and got an assistant straight away.

communicate with them as others have said

Have you considered an assertiveness course? Not sure they still exist but they definitely help.

Sounds like your manager is not good. But I agree with a PP who said its easier to manage people who are clear about their capacity. When people are working overtime regularly, there is a resource issue or an efficiency issue, or both. Managers are there to help with these, but they can't if the issues are being hidden by staff not flagging it. You need to tell your manager what you can and cannot do and get them to take responsibility for what to prioritise and what to ditch, if you aren't able to do that.