I have no boundaries at work, and it’s going to make me ill (again)

[Noboundaries]

I’ve only recently returned to work after having time off for anxiety, and already things are slipping. Today I worked until 10:30pm (so 5.5h extra) and will be getting up at 7 to work for 2h before I officially start work as a senior manager at work asked if I could have something ready for first thing tomorrow, when I didn’t have time. It was an urgent task and nobody else had time either so I just smiled and said that I’d have it ready for them. I could have easily said no sorry, I can only do it by the afternoon but I have project managers on my back to save time in my workload for things like this. Then I had my manager making lots of last minute requests for things and with two colleagues absent I felt like I wasn’t really being asked, but told to help.

I’m so upset and frustrated with myself. It’s all my own fault and I know IABU. I can feel myself getting into the same situation I was in before where I became too ill to work

No advice but following as I can identify!

If you gave not long returned did you have a Return to Work review? That should be an opportunity to agree a strategy for easing you back in, manage your workload and establish boundaries to avoid the situation escalating

Sounds like you cant handle this job

You cant blame anyone but yourself here op. Only YOU can save YOU. No one else will.

Youll have some choices to make

Assertiveness training changed my life - for the better. I did it for a work situation, but it impacted other areas. The fine art of removing emotions from either making a complaint, saying no, or making suggestions. Consider it this way, it's far more inconvenient for your line manager to have to deal with another burnout sick leave than it is for you to say calmly, I would love to help, I have this, this, and this to do, which one should be the priority? This work will have to wait until I can complete this work etc etc.

I did have a phased return (I'm in my last week of it currently), and my managers and HR have been very supportive. My workload was reduced and has been slowly being ramped back up again so now I'm basically up to my normal workload. I thought I was doing well, but I think it was because of the adjustments made (e.g. all work requests had to go through my manager rather than me).

Now I'm basically back to a normal workload, I'm worried as the adjustments and support will be ending/phasing off and I feel like this is when I actually need more support rather than in the initial few weeks back to work when I was on a light workload, reduced hours with easier tasks.

I have weekly review meetings with my manager and HR and I feel embarrassed as last week HR mentioned that I have been 'very up and down' on my return-to-work. I get what they mean and they didn't mean any harm by it, but it made me feel self-conscious about bringing up any further difficulties.

I feel like I have been very up and down. Some weeks are good, some weeks are bad. Even on a day-to-day basis, I can go from anxious and stressed one day to happily enjoying my job with good boundaries the next.

Another issue is my self-esteem is SO dependent on my performance at work. It was the same when I was at school and university, where grades defined my self-worth. One small comment from my manager on a piece of work can undo a good performance review where they say my overall performance is good.

I was on a similar position. You know what happened? I quit and was immediately replaced like I didn't matter. I'd wasted so much of my life thinking I did. I've even been into my old work place to see old colleagues and my bosses have been almost embarrassed to see me, like I was a turd on their shoe.

Don't waste your life at work. They don't care about you. Go out and live, change jobs to somewhere you'll be accepted and respected instead of taken for a fool. You're clearly a catch, any work place would be lucky to have someone with your work ethic.

Are you on anti anxiety meds @Noboundaries? You definitely need to be really open with your manager as they want to support you but if you're not honest you might end up going off again, worst case scenario for them and you.

I know it’s a cliche at the moment but could you be peri meno? Mid to late 40s? That can impact on sleep and over active thoughts and brain fog.

@MuggleMe Yes, I'm on citalopram but might ask my GP if I can up increase my dose

@Newgirls No (at least I hope not), I'm in my mid 20s

If you are on Instagram I highly recommend checking out Elsie Owens, the People Pleasing Therapist. Have a look at her videos and posts. I found her approach really helpful for me in addressing my people pleasing which was becoming very problematic both in my home and work life.

If your normal workload means you have to work till 10 at night and start two hours early in the morning, then your normal workload is too great for the hours available. It is not sustainable is it?

They cannot expect you to squeeze a quart into a pint pot.

Next time you are asked for something urgent, tell them that you are doing X which has to be completed by a certain time. So would they like you to carry on with X, or to stop doing X in order to complete Y. Get them to choose.

You need to go back to your manager and ask that the workload is reviewed again in line with your return to work plan and not to be asked to do extra. There is no point reaching breaking point again and they need to know this is unreasonable and not sustainable, for you or anyone they may subsequently employ. Ask for support and courses to help you with assertiveness and self confidence. Do you have Occupational Health?

I ended up putting those hours I worked in the evening and morning onto my timesheet and then had a lighter day yesterday. Not the best strategy, I probably should have told my manager I had some free time but I had clocked up more than enough hours, but I at least feel like I have balanced it out.

I am in touch with occupational health and will ask them for advice on managing this kind of situation. I think for this instance, I should have just replied and said I can't get it done by first thing tomorrow morning, but can get it done by lunch time.

I think my issue is I panic if I take too long on something that it'll be seen as poor performance, so I accept too many deadlines and then work extra hours to meet them all. But I have lots of different projects on the go and nobody but myself know exactly what I'm working on, my manager has a vague overall understanding but I think I keep expecting my manager to be like "that took you two hours? It should have only taken 20 minutes" (even though they're not like that at all). I also worry about them reviewing my timesheets and thinking I'm spending way too long (and too much of our client's money) on things.

Wow thank you for sharing this, I've just taken a quick look and it's SO helpful! I love the scripted emails to manage workloads, rearrange meetings and decline attending work socials as they're all things I've struggled with. I'll definitely be referring to this

That sounds very hard, but great that you can identify the issue. Have you looked at CBT or one of the third-wave CBT approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? Can you afford a private therapist? If not get on an NHS waiting list (you area will have a talking therapies service via GP) and start with some good self help books?
www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-Esteem-2nd-behavioural/dp/1472119290
www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Your-Mind-Into-Life/dp/1572244259/ref=asc_df_1572244259/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310872601819&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15941453169470057494&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045631&hvtargid=pla-434948644741&psc=1&th=1&psc=1