Every day I wake up and just don't know how to face the day

[nosyma]

I just don't know if I'm just not cut out to be a mother.

I find everything extremely difficult.

I have a small baby and a toddler at nursery most days, but I just can't do it.

I'm on Mat leave and I just don't sit down at all in a day. And when I do have a day where I sit down, you can tell because the house is a mess and laundry stacks up everywhere. There is so much to do constantly. Constant nappy changes and poo explosions- I counted today and I changed my baby's clothes ( everything ) 3 times. I changed the toddler twice, once out of PJs and into day clothes and then again from day clothes into PJs. It's constant, even if the older one is at nursery some of the time.

I have no energy at all and I'm so tired I could cry. My health isn't the best, which I think probably makes things harder, as I'm suffering severe fatigue.

I'm literally like a zombie. I can't help but feel that other people seem to manage and I just feel so deeply unhappy and exhausted.

My husband works full on hours, so I do everything - nights, getting the kids up, nursery drop off and pick up, bath time, bed time etc. hours can't be changed right now. When he's home, he tries.

When I'm home alone with the kids, I don't have the energy to take them out for the day. It's all too much. I can't even imagine if the older one was always home with me and the baby. I couldn't do it. How do other parents manage ? I don't get it. Life is so hard. Kids need so much.

I've spoken to my GP about post natal depression and whether I might have that. I was referred to CBT, which I found completely useless. I'm not keen on taking medication. I'm not even sure um depressed. Maybe I just can't cope with this life that everyone else seems to cope with ?

I don't have family nearby and I am pretty lonely. It helps so much when I have another adult with me and my children. No matter who it is. I wish someone was with us at least at dinner time every night and until they go to bed. My life would be so much better. Is this depression or circumstance ?

Oh sweetheart, go back to your GP and ask about other options,you're clearly struggling and need some help.

Do you have a friend or family member that could stay and support you?
Def get back to your GP x

My sister in law isn't too far away. She sometimes comes over in the evening. Maybe once every 10 days or so. It makes my life so much easier to have someone to talk to and to help a little bit with the kids. But mainly just to have company at dinner / bed time.

I really look forward to her coming. It makes such a difference. I wish I had someone who could come over every night and also weekends so I'm not alone as much. I think I would feel a lot better. My husband for example is now away for two weeks for work. He will then be back, but will do long hours and is never home for dinner and bed time. I've tried to make friends with my neighbour who also has kids the same age, but it's not really been reciprocated.

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this - and going back ten years ago, I could have written it.
I’m so sorry you are feeling lonely - chat with us here.
It sounds to me like you need one day where both your children are cared for by someone else so you can rest. Could you get a childminder to look after your baby for one day?

Thank you for being so kind. I had not thought about whether it would help to get a break from the baby actually. The baby is becoming a lot more demanding recently, so perhaps it would help.

I would just love to have company every day, is that normal or even realistic ? I mean to have company every day aside from your husband. My ideal would be if I just knew that every day someone would spend time with us for a few hours. I feel like I'm constantly clawing and begging / hoping it will happen. It's exhausting !

It's completely normal to want adult company when bringing up little children.

Oh Bless you.. you sound so lonely & fed up, I really feel for you.
Have you tried Home Start? I found them very helpful.
www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with
Good luck x

That sounds so tough and honestly I think everyone struggles even the people who look on the surface like they're taking it all in their stride. Could you join a mums and tots group with your little one to meet some other local mummies? Might give you a chance to meet people at the same stage to hang out for a cuppa even. I'd definitely look into a childminder if it's a possibility for you to give you a rest so you can sleep/ go to the hairdresser etc just carve out a little time for yourself. Maybe ask your sil if she'd take the kids an afternoon a month or something or plan a regular girls night for when the kids are in bed so you have company? It's so tough but it won't last forever, they will go to nursery and school and gradually you'll find more and more time for yourself it's just a really really tough stage you're in right now. It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job though and doing all the right things to take care of yourself and little ones despite how hard it is.

Before I clicked this I knew you had young children! It's a tough slog sometimes. Definitely speak to your GP and tell them how low your energy is. Pregnancy drained everything out of my body- blood tests a year or so after both of my babies showed low iron, low vitamin D, low B12 amongst other things I can't remember. And you can't correct deficiencies with a multivitamin, you need proper loading doses. I've no idea how I put one foot past the other on some of those days.

Having young children is boring and lonely.

I have three and the best thing for me was going back to work.

Get your baby in the nursery and go back to work. It's time for you to be you and to have a cup of tea.

Being at home full time is bloody hard. My mental health deteriorated a lot and I didn't have to do it alone like you do. No wonder you're struggling.

It takes a village. I think it's time you put yourself first for a while. Once you're feeling more human you can reassess.

Big hugs

I know this is going to sound really bad, but I don't have the energy at the moment to join groups. I know I need to though. M

Big hugs to you. I have a baby (currently only one) and I related to a lot of this.
didnyou have a c section by any chance or lose a big of blood during delivery? Is your iron low?

I also am overwhelmed and struggle to get out. I am constantly exhausted and have some health issues which make it difficult for me.

my house is a mess between the baby and dog.

I do have a lot of friends and my in-laws close by who are hands on if needed. My partner is also home by 5.30 most days. But to be honest I struggle to get me and baby dressed and out the house in time to go to any baby groups which all start at 9.30 around here. I also spend my life sterilising bottles, doing laundry and tidying up. If I miss a day you can tell so it’s not worth the bother of going out just to then have double the work the next day or that evening.

what I’ve found that’s helping me so far is:

• Lists. Writing a list everyday of what needs to be done, just little things like dishes, laundry, shower, hoover etc. I tick it off as I go along and whatever I can’t do goes onto the next day. Mentally helps me feel on top of things.
• storage. I’ve just bought a F load of storage units so I can shove everything away and out of sight. It’s disorganised but not visible.
• Giving myself every third day off. So for 2 days I’ll do my usual little jobs on my list and on the 3rd day I do nothing but the bare minimum. So I’ll literally just do the dishes and sterilise bottles. Baby stays in baby grow and I’ll nasty in pyjamas or throw on leggings and a hoody. I’ll watch tv and nap if I can. Giving myself that 3rd day helps mentally as I know it’s coming and I don’t feel guilty for it. It also stops everyday feeling like im always having a lazy day everyday. That third day I literally have a boxsetnor podcast or something on and eat a pot noodle in my scruffy clothes.
• on antidepressants. Obviously that’s a personal choice but I’ve just started citalopram and also was seeing a therapist but the therapy has ended now.
• giving myself little projects but to do only 1 project to do every 2 weeks. This weeks project was setting up a flat pack storage unit for clutter. Then the next project will be to do a proper deep clean of the bathroom. Just 2 little projects a month is giving me something to ‘focus’ on. I’ll listen to a podcast whilst I do it and stop and start it as and when I have time.

these few things have really helped me mentally. I’ve also stopped pressuring myself to go out and just let myself be xx

I definitely know what you mean. But I'm really worried about going back. My job is really demanding and stressful. I hope I'll be able to juggle it all.

‘He tries’ is the most telling point. He doesn’t need to ‘try’ he needs to do and support and parent up.

If you are constantly tired go back to GP and ask for blood test. Check those vitamin D levels. You might need a top up. My dd was like you and turned out she was very low on vitamin D. She took supplements and felt better after a few weeks.

Thank you for sharing, this sounds really useful.

I absolutely hate going out with both children by myself. Just the prep to go out with them, takes it out of me completely. So I can relate to wanting to stay in. The toddler is an absolute nightmare though when we stay in. I don't know what to even do to entertain the toddler. So it's a lot of iPad time and I feel terrible about that. Toddler is literally better off at nursery. But even getting toddler ready for nursery every morning is s massive slog. Then dragging the baby to nursery and back. It's just a lot. Really feel like I'm failing them.

But you are struggling now (understandably). So something needs to change. Your partner needs to change work, or your baby needs to access childcare for a few days a week.

Even if you left your job and got something more manageable, you need time to be you again.

Personally I would have to ask my partner to find a more family friendly job. Leaving you on your own for two weeks with two young children isn't on. I know he's working, and maybe it was fine before, but it's not now.

Have you contacted Home Start to see if they can help? Do you have it, or something equivalent, in your area?

Also, even if you're no religious, churches can be amazing for support. They may have a volunteer who's able to come for a cuppa and do some washing etc for a few hours a week. Or at the least you can go there for a tea and chat with baby whilst toddler is in nursery.

I also agree you should ask the GP for your bloods taken...

I don't have the energy to fight my GP to get a blood test. I actually ordered a check up blood test you send off privately. Which I need to take asap.

My health is not the best. I suffer from a degenerative autoimmune condition that causes serious fatigue.

@LastWordsOfALiar
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*But you are struggling now (understandably). So something needs to change. Your partner needs to change work, or your baby needs to access childcare for a few days a week.

Even if you left your job and got something more manageable, you need time to be you again.

Personally I would have to ask my partner to find a more family friendly job. Leaving you on your own for two weeks with two young children isn't on. I know he's working, and maybe it was fine before, but it's not now.

Have you contacted Home Start to see if they can help? Do you have it, or something equivalent, in your area?

Also, even if you're no religious, churches can be amazing for support. They may have a volunteer who's able to come for a cuppa and do some washing etc for a few hours a week. Or at the least you can go there for a tea and chat with baby whilst toddler is in nursery.

I also agree you should ask the GP for your bloods taken...*

Thank you. I'll check out home start. And the church is a good idea. I was in the supermarket the other day and a woman stopped me and said I looked like I had my hands full. She asked if I was ok and I just burst into tears. She was so lovely and very religious actually and offered me some comfort.

In terms of my partner finding another job.. we are really trying to change things. It's just very hard at the moment.

@nosyma

I'm so sorry you feel like this

I l ow a lady who felt exactly the same and she employed a "mother's help" which was a godsend to her

If your finances allow if maybe consider that the lady that came helped with all sorts

Washing
Ironing
Cooking fresh and preparing stuff for the freezer
Cleaning
Organising stuff like parties and decluttering
Shopping
A companion for the mum
Watched the kids while mum had her hair done/ other appointments
Went for days out with them
Provided friendly advise

If they were out anywhere she just used to say she was a "family friend" worked a treat - I wish I could have afforded something like this!!

Best of luck OP. Please know, you're not alone. And you're not a bad mum. You're singlehanded raising two little children with minimal support and a chronic medical condition.

You're doing amazingly in tough circumstances and trust me, this phase will pass. By around 4 I'd say kids tend to get much easier x

Hi , your situation is so similar to how I was when I had my first son . I could t do it and it was with just him . I had a emergency caesarean, my son had severe eczema and wouldn't sleep for scratching , he had colic so would cry in pain . I couldn't pacify him . When my husband went back to work , I knew I had post natal depression. My energetic levels were low . I was so down , I couldn't cope , crying I wasn't a good mum . My mum said she would come to help me . My dad worked shift work . When he did an early shift 5am -2 he dropped my mum at my house , my son would be up , wide awake as he never slept through , not until he was 5. She sent me back to bed and when my dad returned they would stay at mine have dinner that my mum cooked , settle my son and leave once my husband came home from work . My mum would only agree to do this if I took anti depressants so I got better because this would not go on it's own .
It did lift my depression , slowly but I did start to see the light .
When I had my second son my post natal depression came back , I knew what I had to do so I did . My mum helped me again until I was steady then I used to drive to them with the children after nursery and school . My children had such a close bond with their grandparents and I could t of done it without them . I reached out to them for them .

Even though your family live far from you , you can still ask for help . Ask for Amy our mum or sibling to stay with you for a week or two . Or ask your sister in law to come over more often . Tell them how much your struggling . There is nothing to be ashamed of , you are definitely not a failure . You are a mum of two under 5's.

Definitely go back to your GP , it most definitely sounds like post natal depression which you can get anytime after pregnancy, years after birth . Even though you don't like medication, this may be the route you have to take . I tried CBT it didn't help me either ,It's something that helps with medication. I hope you do seek further help .

You are in the trenches, OP. It’s grueling having a baby and a toddler. It’s been a decade since mine were that small, but I remember the bone tired exhaustion.

Please cut yourself some slack. You’re doing your best under very challenging circumstances. I don’t know if your husband can make changes at work, or if you can afford help, but you need support, some help and downtime.

Many of us have been there. It does eventually get easier.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages and stories.

I just don't know if I'm actually depressed or what. It seems so circumstantial. I know that if I had an adult around every day, I would feel much happier. I recently stayed with my mum for a month and I was much happier because I wasn't just alone with the kids. It was still hard. Unfortunately I can only see my mum every 3-4 months though. So it's not a daily thing.

I've just read this again and thank you so much for posting it. Something along these lines would really help me too and my parents would totally help me like this if they were closer.

I really hate asking for help. But you're right. I could ask my sis in law to just come over any time she wants to- as often as she feels able to and wants to do so. I don't think she even knows how much I appreciate it when she does come over. It's my life line. I need to tell her that it really helps. Hopefully I can return the favour when she has kids one day. She's a lot younger, so hopefully by then I will have more time or even my kids can baby sit for their cousins. Who knows !