Every day I wake up and just don't know how to face the day

[nosyma]

I just don't know if I'm just not cut out to be a mother.

I find everything extremely difficult.

I have a small baby and a toddler at nursery most days, but I just can't do it.

I'm on Mat leave and I just don't sit down at all in a day. And when I do have a day where I sit down, you can tell because the house is a mess and laundry stacks up everywhere. There is so much to do constantly. Constant nappy changes and poo explosions- I counted today and I changed my baby's clothes ( everything ) 3 times. I changed the toddler twice, once out of PJs and into day clothes and then again from day clothes into PJs. It's constant, even if the older one is at nursery some of the time.

I have no energy at all and I'm so tired I could cry. My health isn't the best, which I think probably makes things harder, as I'm suffering severe fatigue.

I'm literally like a zombie. I can't help but feel that other people seem to manage and I just feel so deeply unhappy and exhausted.

My husband works full on hours, so I do everything - nights, getting the kids up, nursery drop off and pick up, bath time, bed time etc. hours can't be changed right now. When he's home, he tries.

When I'm home alone with the kids, I don't have the energy to take them out for the day. It's all too much. I can't even imagine if the older one was always home with me and the baby. I couldn't do it. How do other parents manage ? I don't get it. Life is so hard. Kids need so much.

I've spoken to my GP about post natal depression and whether I might have that. I was referred to CBT, which I found completely useless. I'm not keen on taking medication. I'm not even sure um depressed. Maybe I just can't cope with this life that everyone else seems to cope with ?

I don't have family nearby and I am pretty lonely. It helps so much when I have another adult with me and my children. No matter who it is. I wish someone was with us at least at dinner time every night and until they go to bed. My life would be so much better. Is this depression or circumstance ?

What are finances like? Could you pay for baby to go to a CM a day or two a week? It would make a huge difference. Could you afford a cleaner once a week?

I have a cleaner once a week and could spring for child minder, it wouldn't be a problem.

Take a daily Berocca (pill form, not fizzy- they’re on 3for 2 in Boots). Once you start to feel more energised, go to all the groups. Your house won’t get as messy if you aren’t in it; it’ll tire the kids out more, and you’ll have actual adults to talk to!

Could the cleaner mind the baby for an hour in the morning when the toddlers at nursery.
Could she take toddler for a walk to the park.
Or could sil do this
Have cleaner more often. Maybe she can food shop on the way to you.
Babysitter, childminder?

Getting away from the babies returns you to being a human being (gym, shops, walk , etc) rather than an overworked drudge that devotes their all to others. Which is life as a new mum.

She had her own “wife”!! That’s amazing, good for her.

I've joined a gym with a crèche for this purpose, but the last week or so, I haven't had energy to even go there.

Getting myself, toddler and baby ready has been too much. I also had so much housework to do this week, sometimes when I do go to the gym, I'm even more tired than before. I was really really sick last week, perhaps I'm feeling even worse now because of that and just need to recover a bit. At the beginning of last month, I was going to the gym a lot and leaving the baby in the crèche. But it was making me really even more exhausted. Also, the house work would then pile up ( I am still dealing with the fall out ). I do have a cleaner once a week, but it takes a lot to keep the house in a reasonable state and stay on top of laundry ( I never can manage to stay on top of laundry ! ). Also, even with going to the gym and having that hour to myself in the day, I still just feel this soul crushing loneliness every day from around 4 pm. Where I wish there was just someone here every day to keep me company. Even if they didn't help me at all, just to have company in the evening- even from 6 pm would be amazing.

Hi Op, I was in a similar place to you and still am to a degree. I only have one DS but he was early and there are complications.
I also live away from my family. You are doing great, it does feel like drudgery to me too. I feel some days like I wish I could just give DS to someone else for the day.
What helped me was outsourcing everything I could until I felt ready to take things back on:

1. laundry company to collect and return washing 2-3 times a week was a lifesaver. Buy extra clothes for kids so you can manage without doing extra in between.
2. same as pp I stopped tidying the house everyday. I do it every Weds, Thurs and Fri and only for 30 minutes. Whatever remains after that stays where it is until the next 30 mins.
3. give cleaner a basket to stick mess in if it’s in the way. Then you don’t have to do the mad tidy up for the cleaner.
4. I give myself whole days with no leaving the house and no guilt about it. Kids don’t care really.
5. Limited cooking - ready meals and stuff on toast for as long as needed.
6. accept Screen time is a part of life - it won’t kill them for a period while life normalises again. CBeebies is part of our life now!
7. a babysitter for a few hours twice a week so I could go out on my own
8. DH started taking some annual leave days every couple of weeks to have kids so I could go out and do things or just sleep
9. parents came to stay for a week every 3 weeks to help me

all of the above saved me but I had to ask for help from my family and DH. It’s ok to put yourself first. Sorry for any typos - I’m on my phone typing quickly! Take care op, babies are hard! Don’t let anyone tell you different.

The first year is the hardest. And it's crazy with two. You are doing an incredible job managing everything by yourself. It must be so hard. No wonder you are exhausted.

If you can afford it you can get nannies who help out for a number of hours. You can pick the days and the hours. I thought of having someone for a couple of hours in the evening because it's so hard having to manage two till dinner time. It's not the same as having a friend or family over but sometimes I think any other adult in the house will do.

How old is the baby. Would putting them in nursery help? At least for a few hours a week just so you can get a breather?

Also, I know it's really difficult getting two young kids ready to go out but once you are outside I used to find it much easier. My kids always seem happier and easier to cope with outside. If nothing else I'd just go for a walk.

Please don't think that you are not cut out to be a mother. This is hard. Anyone would find it hard to manage completely on their own. I hope you can get some help from somewhere.

I don’t know how old your baby is but honestly going back to work was the best thing I ever did. I have 2 kids and I was suicidal when on maternity leave. Being back at work though was amazing. I actually looked forward to seeing them then and those few hours in the evening were enjoyable rather than a slog.

Hi OP,

I know EXACTLY where you’re coming from. I’m a single mum with 2 under 2 (4m & 16m). I also find it so hard to leave the house with both of them. Getting both ready and then myself is so stressful and just not worth it. I also haven’t been able to join baby groups as I just don’t have the energy to bring both along.

Your toddler is in nursery which is a big help. I’m currently at home with these two 24/7 so it gets tiring. As someone has suggested, maybe you could pay for some help in regards to the baby at the same time that the toddler is in nursery? Maybe a nanny or even a childminder or something along those lines.

People on here will always say go to the GP or go to the health visitor but in reality what can they do? Giving you medication when all you need is some company and for someone to help out with things daily/weekly, doesn’t make sense. My mum came round yesterday and we took the kids out, all of a sudden I felt like I could cope and I was actually in a happy mood whilst she was here. When it’s just me, which is the majority of the time, I’m counting down until bedtime as I know the day is going to be so exhausting.

Definitely speak with your SIL and tell her how much you appreciate when she comes round, hopefully she can try come round maybe twice a week at least? I’d also suggest having a look at your DH’s work so he’s around more to look after the kids so the pressure isn’t always falling on you.

It’s a difficult time and I emphasise. I hate being a mum right now because it’s just too draining. I do hope it gets easier as they get bugger

*bigger not bugger🫠

Are there baby groups you can go to? Not sure if it's been suggested but I would try and make some mum friends. That's what got me through the first year .. I'm very social and would have felt the same as you, but the HV ran groups where I made proper friends and also would go to the baby groups in churches etc. You need adult human contact.

Seems like you have 2 problems OP

1. tiredness - you need to rule out health so need a blood test asap
2. loneliness - when you tackle the first thing and aren’t tired you can go to baby groups and meet people. But one needs to be solved before 2 can happen.

your doing a fantastic job juggling to small humans on your own. Don’t be hard on yourself

You are so definitely cut out to be a mum. I remember those days so vividly. It’s a relentless slog. But it sounds to me like energy levels are the thing to focus on first - and could it be that your auto immune condition needs some attention, due to lack of sleep, stress etc?

Obviously there’s a place for anti depressants, but they’re often not the cure people expect them to be and it can be hard to come off them. If I were you I would try a few other things first. I’d add a probiotic or probiotic foods like a small glass of kefir every day. I’d take a good quality B vitamin supplement - there are 8 B vitamins that your body needs for energy conversion. And I would supplement with iron and vitamin D. You can actually order test kits for iron (ferritin) and vitamin D levels from BetterYou. (They make the spray vitamins). Perhaps easier than dragging yourself to the doctor and trying to persuade them to do the testing.

I had a mother’s help when I had my second and it made a huge difference, as another poster has said.

Good luck. 💐

Also to add to my list op and agreeing with what pp are saying, the help from the childminder was often at dinner time. That was the hardest part for me from 4pm-8pm felt like hell. She used to entertain DS so I could make dinner and get stuff ready for next day. We became friends in the end as she used to come twice a week for 3/4 hours. It is company even if it isn’t family/friends.
It still is my least favourite part of the day and he is over a year old.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences and the type of help you have been able to get, which has helped you. I feel much less alone.

Sometimes my husband has been a bit insensitive at my breakdowns about everything and said that I have a lot of help with the cleaner and nursery for the older one and it's made me doubt that I'm cut out for this whole thing. I know that if my mum lived near I would see her most days or go and see my sister and her kids etc to break up time. I just don't have that here. It's much more effort to make new friends and meet up with them than just your mum popping over or going to your sisters. I moved to a new area so all my friends are far away. We do quite well financially, but I get guilted about how much money I already spend on child care, cleaner etc. My in laws have said they did everything themselves and that's how they managed to get to where they are in life. I felt pretty rubbish because I know they think I spend money on stuff they'd do themselves and I know my husband deep down thinks that too a bit. So I'm worried about getting more help and basically having fewer savings because of that.

Modern day motherhood is very very hard.
we were never designed to raise children alone .
women used to raised children in communes, or communities where other mums would watch out for each other’s children.
it takes a village to raise a child.
sadly this doesn’t exist in this day and age and this culture, and we are all left on our own . It’s relentless and tiring and boring and hard and lonely.
how you feel is NORMAL. And it will pass .
it won’t feel like this forever x

Don't tell anyone what you are spending.
Can DM come to stay.
We moved when first born was tiny and colicky - didnt know a soul - hmmm probably the worst time of my life - just do whatever it takes - DMIL came to stay but that meant I had to up my cooking and cleaning standards ....

What hours does your h work? Does he have to do such long hours or do you think he's staying at work to avoid doing any parenting?

You sound just like me! new area, no family and no friends. I hate asking anyone for help (even DH) and I have a busy demanding job and normally consider myself competent and independent. I came to realise that my mental and physical health was more important than savings in the bank and I had to submit to help. Allowing fatigue like this to set in can cause serious mental and physical illness (beyond what you are already dealing with) and then there is no choice but to rest and get help.
Ignore what others think (especially in laws as they have probably forgotten much of it!!), do whatever helps you to get through the next block of time. Only you can decide what helps you the most.
You are not alone and definitely not the only one. Sending solidarity and understanding. The first year of baby life is the hardest thing I have ever done.