Upset friend (told her to report husband for abuse)

[CakeMonster1]

Hi,

I'm feeling like I have put my foot in it. My best friend since school recently let slip that she has no finances of her own. I mean non whatsoever.

We had a girls night out last weekend and got really drunk, was my treat as we've not done this in years as never get round to it. We don't live very close at all but chat daily online/txt etc. cut to the chase, after a night of booze she gets emotional and opens up to what I can only think is controlling behaviour/abuse.

Her husband has a decent job but she said she doesn't have access to his money. I asked what she meant by his money, surely being married it is their money but no apparently not. He won't give her a joint bank account and his bank account he's refusing to give passwords for so it's like he has something to hide or doesn't trust her.
She's looked after, child doesn't go without, but if she wanted something she has to ask for it. Well I snapped and said it's wrong. Why not a joint bank account and what did she mean by if she wants something, you know thinking she may mean luxury expensive things but she meant normal day to day things, anything not on a shopping list, tampons, toiletry items, well I was astounded. I got a bit angry and upset as I had no idea this had been going on and why the hell had she never told anyone what was going on, why didn't she get a job or leave or seek help or anything. She feels so trapped, nobody should need to ask for anything as I said when married they are a united force not separate entities. Why would you need to ask for money to buy tampons. Never heard anything so absurd. She was sobbing her little heart out and we both cried together, degrading her by asking for money for tampons is low and she said it's chipped away at her for years. I had not seen her this emotional in years.

I chatted to her the next day once sober to make sure it wasn't alcohol chat as she stopped at mine due to being so drunk (I live walking distance from town pubs n clubs) but yes all this time she's kept it a secret, ashamed of how it is but tried to defend her husband. I flipped and said he is treating her like a child begging for sweets or something, it's ridiculous. He won't let her work, the child benefit it paid into his bank account (which she has no access to), he said he earns enough so she doesn't need to work so won't let her. I said she has to get out of the relationship now as this is so wrong. She should not be treated like shit.
Now I'm interfering according to her she shouldn't have ever told me and promised me not to say a word to her family who live just doors away from me.
I said I need to tell them, it's illegal what he's doing, she said it isn't as he's her husband and she stormed out.
She won't talk to me and told me to butt out. I tried calling but she is ignoring me, I sent her a message saying to wake up to what he's doing, to report it to police or let her family know as it's not normal to treat a wife like a child and to try look for a way to leave him. she text me to tell me to stay away and never contact her n blocked me from all her SM accounts. I knocked on her family's door hours later but she had already gone home. I wanted to say something to them but I chickened out. Didn't know what to do at that point.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm really worried for her. Not sure what to do, she has me blocked and I'm in two minds to report this but not sure if it would be taken seriously or not. I've lost her as a friend and I probably didn't handle it at all well.

YANBU at all to have spoken to her about this. You are absolutely right; it is abuse.

However, the sad fact is that in the cold light of day, a lot of victims of abuse become defensive or angry when confronted with the reality of their situation. I'm a domestic violence survivor, and ashamed to say that I absolutely flipped my lid at a friend who asked me if my partner ever hit me, and said 'How dare you accuse him of that, what do you think I am, don't ever say that again' etc. Despite the fact that yes, my partner did hit me, and my friend was totally right to try to get through to me. He knew there was something wrong and he wanted to help, but I was so mortified and ashamed at the thought of people knowing I was victim that I got ultra-defensive and angry and lost the plot.

There is also a chance that her husband has found out about your conversation and has coerced her into ending your friendship.

OP, you've done nothing wrong and I suspect that your friend will one day see that.

You have done the best you could, sadly she's not ready to admit the dreadful state of her "marriage".

All you can do is hope she breaks through her denial and gets free.

Very sad for you both.

I think you need to back away and let her come to the realisation, hopefully, eventually. Be there for her if she needs you. It sometimes takes women a long time to realise the position they are in and can take some years to actually leave.

if she comes back to you point her to womens aid who she can talk to and get someone else's opinion on her situation.

I think you are maybe pushing her too hard with reporting him to the police. Not saying she shouldn't do that but leaving him is probably difficult enough notion on its own right now. I would try sending her a message or calling and just encourage her to get out with her lo, maybe contact women's aid for help and advice. She's probably panicking that she's opened up to you right now and worrying about it snowballing.

I think you’ve done everything you can.

Doing anything more would only isolate her further. Hopefully you’ve sown the seed and she’ll eventually help herself.

You handled it rather badly I'm afraid.

She's got a domineering bully in complete control of her life, you could endanger her more if you go around telling people or forcing her to leave before she's got a solid plan in place.

It's not an instant process and it takes on average 7 attempts to leave for an abused woman -that's when they know they are in an abusive relationship.

When a woman starts to open up about abuse or thinks /plans to leave, it's the most likely time she will be harmed physically -beaten or raped by him, or even in some cases, killed.

It can take a long time for realisation to sink in - give her that time. She will have absorbed your reaction and she needs to come to terms with it on her own speed. And that could take years - or never.

The first thing that WA will tell you is that they can't force you to leave - they understand the crippling dynamics at play. They try to educate the women on what is actually abuse, talk to them about how to stay safe, and when the women are ready, support them in their efforts to leave.

Why not talk to WA yourself to see how best you can support your friend - you've gone about it a bit like a bull in a china shop it's no wonder she's scared off. You've terrified her!

Do you think he has her phone too?

She is me. Its taken me thirty years for the blinkers to drop. It takes time so let her think quietly by herself but honestly there is nothing you can do but wait. Let her know you will support her decisions, whatever they are. Dont push.

You've been waaaay too aggressive about this, poor woman must be terrified.

You're unreasonable in the way you handled it, especially the next day when you were sober. She confided her deepest worries to you and you blew it. She was looking for support and advice, not more abuse. Learn a lesson.

Now you wait OP. Don’t contact her at all for a couple of weeks. Then if you can safely send her a message let her know you’re there if she needs you. Make it cryptic and innocuous in case her husband reads her messages. Something like ´sorry we fell out the other day. I’m here if you ever want a cup of tea and a natter’. Of style it out as if the falling out never happened and keep inviting her to stuff so that the link’s not lost for her. ‘Hey, me and the girls are getting coffee in town next Wednesday, do you want to come? My treat’

She's right; she shouldn't have told you. 'Flipping' and lecturing her about her relationship and how you would do things differently is a terribly immature and damaging response. She told you she felt her self-esteem had been chipped away at for years and you thought it was appropriate to respond by listing the things she'd done 'wrong', like not getting a job. Your friend trusted you with her most private and important concerns, and you became personally offended and ended up using them as a stick to beat her with. I'm sure you didn't mean to, but you've behaved very poorly. If you want to be a decent friend, you need to accept that you've fucked up, apologise, and try to build the trust again by listening without judgement.

YABVVU. You are completely steamrolling her.

Y were NBU to talk about it on the girls night out. It took a lot of balls for her to confide in you, and you were a great friend to her to talk it all through with her.

But you are being really aggressive now. She's used to being controlled by her H and you are now trying to control her narrative, too, demanding that she do what you think is right. Its her life and a huge decision to make and to face and she needs time - and to come to terms with this her own way, in her own time. She probably feels like you are massively judging her for not doing things your way and who wants that?

I think your motivation is a lovely one, though, and of course it's very hard to hear a friend is going through this. But it's ultimately her decision to make.

You do need to butt out. Threatening to tell her family will have terrified her. Him finding out she's told puts her in extreme danger. You and your threats to expose her are, right now, the most dangerous thing she faces.

You can't browbeat people into escaping abusers. She has no money and no job. There is no safety net. He gets wind that you know he could kick her out.

Back off.

You are all right, I was worried that I've let her down and yes I behaved like a bull in a China shop.
I've been self centred to not think of the consequences of how it was handled, feel so bad I really do.
I've always been honest and open with her and thought she had too maybe that's part of where I've gone wrong, I'm angry at myself for not seeing the signs, for letting her down, for not being there all these years (I've been there I mean REALLY being there, seeing this has been happening) how did I not see it 😭😭
Now she's probably feeling more alone. I saw red, I hope she can see that I just want to get her out of the situation and having read each and every comment I've done it in the worst way.

I'm just so angry that he can treat her like she's not important and keep money away from her and seeing her so upset, I just couldn't understand how a human can do that to a human that they supposedly love and are married to.

I will leave it a week or two and hopefully she will unblock me, if not will write a letter or send some flowers saying I've been a self centred ass and ruined our girls night. I owe her an apology and will always do what I can to protect her, think that's what hurts that I've not protected her because I had no idea. From the outside their marriage looked so happy and rosy.

I’ve been your friend. And I’ve bitten off heads that criticised my ex.
it will have sunk it. But she’s panicked. She’s unleashed the secret and can’t shove it back in the box even though she will wish she hadn’t. It’s easier to live with when people aren’t judging you. You know it’s wrong but it’s not until someone says it you realise how bad. It’s the boiling frog. It won’t have happened immediately.

You could invite her for a coffee in public (so she won’t feel ambushed) tell her your sorry you upset her. That you’ll always be there for her and her children, no judgement that she deserves better and a happy life, that’s all you want for her. Then change the subject and don’t bring it up again unless she does. It will have sunk in but it takes a long time to feel able to do something.
Never mention it by text in case he sees and checka her phone.
if she comes to you to complain, listen, don’t judge, be gentle in your response about it being wrong but know she will go back to him so don’t make it awkward.

its shit for you and I’m sorry for you and her.

Part of the reason she’s blocked you is shame. Shame for living that way, for allowing it to happen for not being stronger.

All of this.

Your feelings are entirely natural but, I agree with pp, you have terrified her.

Victims of domestic abuse need to be treated very gently and it can take a long time for them to recognise, accept and then come to a point to leave. Every step is scary, there's a lot of guilt and shame involved and intense feelings of love to deal with.

You need to back right off.

She needs to feel safe to open up to you, and that means no judgement, be careful of overt criticism of him. I wrote a post recently about supporting women leave from personal experience, if you search my name you'll find it.

Take a look at the info on refuge as well as women's aid.

Coercive and financial control are really hard for people to get their heads around.

I can only speak from my experiences, I'm not a professional, but in your shoes, I would apologise. Don't try to justify your reaction, just apologise and express how much you care. Blame the alcohol. You need to rebuild a relationship with you in which she feels she can trust you, where she won't feel pressured and where she won't be confronted with truths she's not ready to hear just yet.

Once you've repaired things, let her know youre there, try to keep communication open, be very gentle. She'll be alert now to you wanting her to leave so you'll need to tread careful. Quietly help arm her with facts as and when she's ready. This might be you gently letting her know that there's plenty of support available.

With so little control in her life, you need to help her regain control. That means letting her know you support whatever she does or doesn't decide to do, that you won't judge her whatever, that she can start exploring options but back out at anytime.

Many victims get panicked about choosing what they have for dinner on their own, so it's a process in helping them feel secure enough to break free.

There may well be other forms of abuse going on that she can't admit to. Don't pry, just listen if she opens up.

If you can't repair things at all but are able to communicate with her, then I suggest again you apologise unreservedly. Let her know that if she ever wants support or info you'll be there for her day or night, advise her to look up coercive and financial control and perhaps give her the number for womens aid. I'd be wary about using the term 'abuse' at this point.

Think about your role as a friend as gently clearing the way for her and providing her with a hand to support her as she picks her way through a river. You can't force these things, however much we may want to.

Blasted typos/ autocorrect!

Missed @Damnautocorrect post but spot in ime and I've only ever been the friend not the one going through it.

I'd be careful about how you word a note sent to her home address in case her husband sees. You don't know what she's told him, if anything. Perhaps apologise for getting terribly drunk and being a general idiot?

Everything you said was correct but you handled it badly.
She needs to feel supported when/if she feels able or wants to change things.
Your approach may have been seen as judgemental and unfortunately she’s unlikely to confide in you again

Afraid I have to agree with others that you went in too hard too soon. You should have been a confidant for longer and jet her realise the unsustainably of her situation. Now all you can hope is she has a wake up call in private.

Well, you did go in hard. You could walk it back, apologise for coming across as judgemental, and let her know that you are there whenever she is ready. Offer whatever practical support is reasonable. (Could you put up her and her dc if she needed to escape? For how long?) So she knows exactly how you are willing to help when she's ready.

You can't live her life for her; only she can decide to leave. I think your shock and anger were a great response, actually - genuine and urgent. Your words will stick with her. Don't feel bad for your reaction. You didn't blow it, not at all. (But do apologise.)

She risks losing her dc if his control-freakery and abise extends to them. If you suspect that, you should report it, of course. Ss needs to be involved.

as all PPs have said, and as you realise now, you have been too pushy (with the best intentions, and understandably as you were rightly shocked.
Look back at the texts you sent her and assume that her husband has read them.
What do you think an abusive controlling man would do next, seeing his wife had received such messages?
I'm not sure really how you can safely contact her, but you do need to apologise before she will ever listen to you or trust you again.
At least you didn't say anything to her family- that may be a route by which you can apologise.
Agree with all others suggesting you contact WA or Refuge, or a local DA organisation.

survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/understanding-economic-abuse/spotting-the-signs/