To think 'don't wish his life away' is really irritating?

[LazyLucy21]

DS is 4 and a half months and the absolute light of my life. BUT, I struggle with anxiety massively (did before he was born) and have found the tiny baby stage quite stressful. I'm really looking forward to DS hitting the 6 month mark because the risk of SIDS goes down (I know it's a small risk anyway), but also because he'll be ready for some things I'm really excited for, like weaning and moving into his lovely nursery.

However, everytime I mention DM or her partner, they always say 'oh, don't wish his life away!'. I understand what they're saying - that he will only be small for a short time and to try and enjoy it, but honestly it's starting to piss me off, especially since DM freely admits she hated my baby stage and couldn't wait for it to end.

Just feel like being a mum is hard enough without being made to feel guilty for 'wishing DS's life away' too 🙄 Most parents I know couldn't wait for their babies to be older!

Thinking of asking DM to cut it out, but AIBU?

Well in my case I felt very much warranted in looking forward to sleeping again. Babies are sometimes cute but usually boring, and bloody hard work.

I suppose when a discernible personality starts showing at the toddler age and you're still wishing they'd hurry up and grow then yeah, maybe there's a problem to be addressed.

I hear what you're saying but..

It's not personal. They're looking back with rosy glasses around the days their dc were small. When you're in the thick of it, it's never ending. When they're teenagers and older you miss it and wish you made more of it and cherished those stages.

I remember having a thread on here years ago moaning that my dc always wanted to be around me and I couldn't wait for the days they went in their rooms to hang out or went out with friends. Now they're busy with work/friends/school and although we have a laugh and do things together it's not the same as a small child snuggling up with you on the sofa.

YANBU. It’s really hard work. I enjoyed the older baby/toddler stage much more.

Firstly offering solidarity. I have a plethora of mental health problems, all of which were exasperated by pregnancy and having a baby! Thankfully back on an even keel now after receiving support, but my goodness those newborn days were so bloody challenging. I have to say I failed to enjoy them much because I was grappling with my anxiety amongst other things. I agree that having someone say that doesn't help, even if it is well intended. Now I'm out of the haze I do wish I'd been able to enjoy those moments more and breath it all in, but I just couldn't at the time. I do think a lot of baby related things you get the rose tinted specs a bit after the fact. Feel free to tell her though!

Please do reach out though to your GP or HV if you feel like you might benefit from talking to someone mind.

YANBU, it annoys me too, along with "just enjoy the snuggles" when DD1 was a demon baby with reflux who just couldn't be put down. I was much more able to enjoy the snuggles with my second baby because they were optional and not constant!

It's fine not to enjoy the baby bit. Mine have really got on my nerves as toddlers and preschoolers, but I'd take that over the baby era any time.

When you're in the thick of it, it's never ending. When they're teenagers and older you miss it and wish you made more of it and cherished those stages.

This is spot on. Mine are older now and, while it’s brilliant, it’s very different from the snuggles you get from a baby or a toddler. You just look back on it with rose tinted specs.

You're totally warranted to say 'I'm just looking forward to getting some sleep, that's not wrong is it?' I suppose it's easy to forget how hard the baby stage is as they get older so it's easier for them to say these things.
On another note, about your anxiety, I found myself anxious in pregnancy, thought it would be better after birth, then thought it would be better by 6 months (like you said reduced SIDS), then I was anxious about him choking when he started solids, among many other things. It resulted in a panic attack the day I returned to work after MAT leave. I hadn't realised how bad it was. If you feel like it's impacting your life now, or you get past the 6 months and it continues, please speak to a GP before it gets out of control. It might take some counselling to make you feel better.

The answer to it is 'I'm not wishing his life away, I'm just looking forward to something good'.
I'd say that having something to look forward could be helping you to manage your anxiety better.

Absolutely fair enough. But when talking to a new mum who's in the trenches and struggling, there's a huge difference between "You'll look back with rose-tinted specs and just remember the lovely bits, I miss cuddling mine although I wouldn't want to go back to the reality! I don't envy you the sleepless nights, you're doing a great job" and "Aww, but just enjoy this, they grow up too fast, you'll miss these times when they're over". The latter will just make her feel like shit that she's not enjoying it enough.

Totally agree with you OP. Every time someone says 'enjoy every minute, you'll miss this when it's gone, leave the housework' you just have to remember they're thinking about their own experience and regrets rather than actually listening to your experience and trying to understand what you're going through. They're talking to their own past selves.

It's enormously irritating. Especially when new parents complain about the lack of sleep and tone deaf morons say things like 'ohhh you'll miss these middle of the night baby snuggles!' when actually you'd gnaw your own right arm off just to get two hours of sleep! It's just so patronising. Plenty of parents really don't hugely like the baby stage but absolute thrive with a toddler or older child, it's absolutely okay to recognise a stage isn't the best for you and to look forward to a future time.

People always love to say oh you'll look back and regret wishing it away but honestly I think nearly every parent appreciates each moment to the best of their ability, it's not always easy when you're exhausted and sleep deprived and recording from birth though.

'Just enjoy the snuggles' when I was so fucking exhausted from holding DC that I was hallucinating body bags in the room and monsters crawling out of the bin made me want to stab someone, honestly.

It's because they are looking back at this stage of their life through rose tinted spectacles. You will too in about 20 or so years (possibly earlier if you are gifted with Monster Teen). They forget how tired, skint, hesitant, neurotic, and TIRED these days can make you (and that's without underlying anxiety).
All they (and I) remember is cosy cuddles over bedtime stories, and the smell of Johnson's baby shampoo on their hair when you're feeding them. They forget that 10 seconds later your lap was full of puke.
As long as baby is safe and healthy and loved, you get through these days however you can. You're not wishing his life away, you're just looking to a time when things will be easier

It's such a weird cultural thing, I felt like so many people in my life from relatives to strangers were SO keen to tell me I must not be enjoying or appreciating my baby as much as I should be. Like sometimes you also have to get on with other parts of life too. You can enjoy your baby and also need to meet your own basic needs like sleep and eating. It enrages me honestly when I hear struggling shattered new parents be told to 'enjoy the snuggles', it's so patronising and cruel and unnecessary. As if they're not capable of enjoying their baby without being instructed to, or as if they'll suddenly go 'oh! You're right, damnit, I forgot to enjoy this'.

I can see why this is annoying. However, it seems like there’s a real risk you’ll switch to being fixated on something else once he’s 6 months, so I’m not sure just waiting it out is the best approach.

Also (Sorry, thinking while typing!) it's really normal and lovely to be excited about future stages. Aren't most parents? I can't imagine many parents live solely in the moment day to day and don't think at all about what's coming.

Mine is 2.5yr and I'm absolutely LOVING having a toddler, it just gets better and better through every stage, but I'm also able to look forward happily and think about how exciting it'll be when he starts school, makes his own friends, can do certain things with me that he can't now, I'm excited to have a teenager, I'm excited to watch him spread his wings, I'm excited for so many things. I relish every moment and day and constantly think how ridiculously lucky I am to be doing this. The newborn stages I sort of loved in a way because I was so thrilled to be a parent finally and so in love with him, but at the same time I really was like you looking forward to him getting a little bit older so we could make some improvements to things, let go of trying to make breastfeeding work, start weaning (which was SO much fun), get his sleep better, and so forth.

@JenniferBarkley That's exactly it, it makes me feel like I'm not enjoying it enough, which brings up a lot of guilt. Just feel like I'm not allowed to look forward without being judged.

Thanks to everyone who has suggested support for my MH too, and to those who've shared their own struggles. I've actually been discharged by the perinatal MH team since I had CBT before he was born, and now they don't seem to know what to do with me 😂 The anxiety is manageable though, just a bit relentless!

This parenting lark is tough!

Fortunately, my own mother was the absolute best mother in the world. She also never forgot how shit the baby years were (let's just say that I got the non-sleeper I deserved after being a terror to my lovely mum!), and talked openly and honestly about it throughout our lives, long before we had babies of our own. It meant that when I was struggling with my own baby, she was sympathising and I didn't worry - she went on to enjoy us and do a great job so I could too. It also meant that I had no unrealistic expectations when I was pregnant.

Gosh @CarmenBizet that sounds horrendous!! And you're right, I find it so strange that we're expected to enjoy being exhausted and covered in bodily fluids 😂 Sure, there are moments that I know I'll miss, like his little face lighting up when he sees me in the morning, but there are also parts I'm pretty sure I'll be glad to see the back of! I feel like comments such as 'enjoy the snuggles, don't wish their lives away' just add to the pressure, and make you feel like you're doing something wrong because you're not loving this bit.

Sorry for rambling, we had a bad night last night so everyone is being much more articulate than me today! Appreciate all the responses though 😊

I hear you OP, I have a 5.5mo and the last few months have been amazing but tough.

I've even found myself saying 'I don't want to wish time away but...' to preempt well-meaning relatives from saying the same thing when I talk about some of the challenges we've had.

You've had some great advice already, but what I would say is don't fixate too much on what he'll be doing by X age as you might be disappointed if you don't see a significant change. This is speaking from experience, as I became so fixated on things getting exponentially easier when my baby turned 3 months (because that's what everyone told me...) so when he turned 3 months and nothing changed I became even more stressed out and anxious. He just needed a little more time, but I convinced myself that I had messed up somehow (I hadn't).

YANBU, it’s really tough especially if you don’t have an “easy” baby and people are insensitive to say stuff like this. Sounds like the best thing to do is not talk to them too much about it. Though it would be nice if they could be understanding and supportive instead of basically dismissing your distress.
Do you have a good HV to talk to?

YANBU I struggled at the baby stage and for the same reasons as you. It is better when they're older!

To be honest I enjoy my children more the older they get. They’re more interesting (and I can still hug them).

It isn’t normal to have the same perspective as everybody else on everything. This is so minor in the grand scheme of things. Just accept the differences and don’t sweat it.
Regarding your anxiety - there’s always going to be dangers to your child’s safety that you cannot fully protect them from. Wait til they start toddling!!! So you maybe need mechanisms to manage your anxiety and enjoy the stages.

OP I feel you! I remember when my first was tiny, that I couldn't wait until he was old enough for me to romantically and wistfully look back on his baby stage in a totally idealised way, and 'miss' that stage, but only when I was out of the trenches and on to an easier stage, with also far more sleep!! Your DM needs to back off.

Nobody is making you feel guilty, you choose to feel guilty and take it in a negative way.

Yes, I wanted to say something similar.

I must be an oddity in that I haven’t wished my kids’ lives away at all. Even with DC3, when the first year was incredibly hard, I wasn’t wishing it would hurry up.

The thing is that there are hard and there are wonderful things about every stage. Yes, weaning is fun because you get to see your baby enjoying all these different foods, but loads of people also find it hugely stressful (at least based on posts on here and my local parenting group). And their nappies are a lot more disgusting than when they just have milk 😉

Yes, it’s amazing that my 8 year old will
now read and chill in her room at the weekend until 10am, but when she’s worried about things, they can’t always be resolved with a cuddle like they could when she was a toddler sleep thief.

I’m not saying ‘enjoy every moment’ - of course that’s not realistic - but I do think it’s worth trying to focus on the joy in the stage you’re at instead of always looking ahead.