To think 'don't wish his life away' is really irritating?

[LazyLucy21]

DS is 4 and a half months and the absolute light of my life. BUT, I struggle with anxiety massively (did before he was born) and have found the tiny baby stage quite stressful. I'm really looking forward to DS hitting the 6 month mark because the risk of SIDS goes down (I know it's a small risk anyway), but also because he'll be ready for some things I'm really excited for, like weaning and moving into his lovely nursery.

However, everytime I mention DM or her partner, they always say 'oh, don't wish his life away!'. I understand what they're saying - that he will only be small for a short time and to try and enjoy it, but honestly it's starting to piss me off, especially since DM freely admits she hated my baby stage and couldn't wait for it to end.

Just feel like being a mum is hard enough without being made to feel guilty for 'wishing DS's life away' too 🙄 Most parents I know couldn't wait for their babies to be older!

Thinking of asking DM to cut it out, but AIBU?

Warning you now OP, the anxiety never properly goes away as they get older. You just find something else to worry about!

It's physically easier once the baby stage is over. But still mentally exhausting.

I know it must be annoying but there is a grain of truth to it, especially if you tend to be anxious. Because as soon as you get through the worries linked to one stage, the next stage brings a new set of worries. You have to find a way to enjoy each phase with the worries rather than thinking you will reach a point where everything is smooth running.

Yanbu
Some people absolutely thrive on the baby/toddler days and others enjoy the older age groups more! I don't miss my eldest child as a baby! Christ no. He's amazing now and he's experiencing so many exciting things. I love it.

The thing is though that it’s tempting to always wish for the next stage.
When he gets to 6 months ‘oh it will be lovely when he can sit unaidid’
When he gets to 1 year ‘Oh I can’t wait until he can walk’
At 18 months ‘he’s just frustrated because he can’t talk yet- once we get there things will be better’
At 2 ‘gosh this is so hard.He’s into absolutely everything. Once he starts nursery / preschool he will be so much more occupied and I will have some time back’
At 3 ‘oh he’s so ready for school now. Things will be so much easier when he starts reception.’

And on and on it goes. Until you realise that they are finishing primary school and now your job is a taxi driver. And even then it’s ‘oh gosh, my teen is so difficult. It will be so nice when they mature / appreciate more / can drive themselves / have got through these GCSE’s or whatever.

Honestly OP every age is hard in different ways. The days are long but the years are short. Never a truer word has been spoken and I guarantee you, one day you will look back and wish you could slow it down.

I was exactly the same! I was so anxious I just wanted her to get a bit bigger, more robust. It felt safer. Do I miss the newborn cuddles? God yes. But I do also remember how scary it was to have something so fragile.
I also wished away 6-9 months - DD wasn't a crawler and that stage seemed to drag for me and she wasn't interested in playing with toys or any of the million baby activities I copied from Instagram!
Shes now 2 and I love love love this age. Of course I look at her baby pictures and feel broody and sigh, but I dont feel like I miss it.

My friend, I hated everything before 6 months, except maybe a week in between 1 month and 2 months, and a brief gap at 3 months. People would say 'enjoy the newborn cuddles' and the thing about wishing time away and I remember thinking at the time that it was crap. After 6 months for me everything got much better and I started really enjoying being a mum. I used to wish the time away - literally, I would count the hours and minutes before I could go to sleep and think about nothing. I don't feel bad about it. In fact, I think I was right to do it, because now I am in a stage that I love! And I try to cherish this stage. I stil get cuddles, and I get to sleep, and my small fantastic person can express himself and we can play together.

In other words, do not feel bad. It is fine that you're not enjoying everything about this time, it's fine even if you're not enjoying it at all - it's bloody hard. It's fine to wish the time away, because it gets much much better. You love your child! And soon, you will get to love your child as well as sleep the night through! You're doing a great job.

I hate phrases like that. "Make the most of every minute!" I felt tremendously guilty and awful for just wanting 5 minutes on my own to drink a cup of tea, or eat my lunch etc! I also worked when my eldest was a baby (lockdown baby!) and the GUILT for not "cherishing every second". It's ridiculous - I personally find kids much easier and more fun as they get older!

YANBU. I felt like the first few years of my childrens lives were a long hard slog. I'm much happier as a Mum now that they are a bit older and more independent. I would warn against focusing too much upcoming milestones though and how they will change your lives together though. In my experience it's much more healthy to cope with each day as it comes and do what you need to do to get by. With a baby everything is a phase and it will eventually pass, but sometimes it takes longer than you hope to happen. For example my first baby was a rubbish sleeper, and I drove myself mad thinking 'when we move him into his own room he'll sleep through the night', 'when we start weaning he'll sleep through the night', 'when he starts nursery he'll sleep through the night' etc, and then blaming myself when he didn't hit that target. Suffice to say it took a lot longer than I hoped for and with retrospect I wish I'd just settled in for the long haul and made adjustments to help me cope on a day to day basis, like going to bed much earlier, making time for a bit of self-care to cope with the sleeplessness and stopping torturing myself with baby sleep books. He's a solid sleeper now in case you are wondering, but I'm not telling you how long it took us to get there!

I know that my anxiety won't magically disappear when he's 6 months, but it has gotten a hell of a lot better now he's a bit sturdier and no longer making weird newborn breathing noises 😂 So it stands to reason that while it won't go, it'll hopefully keep improving, until its just a normal level of background worry like every parent has.

And to those saying I'll just keep wishing for the next stage, I have no idea whether I will or not. Either way, I think telling people to enjoy every minute is a very easy thing to say and a very difficult thing to do. I try my best to savour the good bits of each day and make sure I tell my DH the lovely things we've done, but it doesn't stop me from wishing he was a bit bigger so we could do more things together, rather than me just doing activities AT him.

I think it's possible to hold on to the good bits while still wishing for more.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I found the first year incredibly difficult and worrying. They can't tell you what's wrong, they're so fragile, SIDS, choking etc etc etc.

Personally my experience is that they continue to become less and less difficult as they get older, so I totally understand looking forward to that. I think many parents feel that way.

Self compassion for parents by Susan Pollak is a great book.

Echo this, there's certain things (sleep for example) that I don't talk to family about as they don't remember and ask questions like 'is he sleeping through yet?' when that isn't expected yet at his age, but still makes me feel rubbish when I say he's not.

I highly recommend finding some mum friends with babies of a similar age. They're usually going through the same things as you are, so great for moral support (as well as a non judgemental moan).

Don't overthink would be my advice.

I haven't enjoyed much of our DD's first two and a half years and I don't feel at all bad that they're behind us or anything like that. In hindsight, my opinion of those times has not changed.

You feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let other people tell you how you should feel.

YANBU

but

Like other posters have said, a lot of people look back on the tiny baby stage and only remember the good bits. They’ve forgotten the stress and sleeplessness and anxiety.
It’s not personal OP! But I get that it’s irritating.

The toddler bit is harder. Sorry

Yanbu though. All ages and stages are hard at thr time

It's not personal. They're looking back with rosy glasses around the days their dc

Absolutely. I actually get tears in my eye watching the little reception children holding DP’s hand skipping down the road to their new school. I miss my great big hulking teen being tiny, and he was a bloody awful baby that never slept!
I’d love to be able to snuggle his tiny body in my arms again. It really has gone in a flash.

YANBU. I got so annoyed with those people who'd trot out lines about 'don't wish her life away' and "how much the time flies". And "they're tiny for such a short time".

I hated the baby year (had PND and anxiety), the time went incredibly slowly and I regret not going back to work sooner. Not everyone is a baby person - I have friends who are genuinely sad their baby is bigger now as they enjoyed the baby stage. But from my POV it's so much better with an older child.

I ended up avoiding the most annoying people like this (it wasn't like they were offering any help - just coming out with stupid lines). If they're relatives can you turn it round and say you're finding it hard and suggest they help with xy or z?

'Make the most of every minute' is just a bit daft anyway. Unless you're a millionaire who can afford help to cook and clean your house and don't have to work or care for other kids then at a certain point you do have to attend to other parts of your life along with the baby. Every 'baby won't be put down, I need to sleep and eat, help?' post I saw was replied to with 'enjoy the snuggles while they last!' which is just so deeply unhelpful. You can enjoy your baby and also need to fulfil your basic needs of sleep, food, hygiene, and attend to making sure your environment is at least somewhat hygienic and habitable. Plus it's hard to enjoy anything when you're so tired you're contemplating dying just for a bit of rest.

I'm fascinated by people whose brains wipe out the hard parts of the early months, or who say things like 'you forget how difficult child birth is!'.

Mine hasn't at all, mine remembers just how difficult, painful and often terrifying the whole experience of birth and then caring for a newborn really was. I could never forget even if I tried, it's the number one thing putting me off ever doing it again despite how much I adore DC and love being a parent. I wonder if the people who say that they forget how hard it all was maybe didn't have it as hard as some people do after all.

All of this!!

I think it’s sad that you’re looking forward for him to go to nursery when he’s still so small…….. bring on the slating!!!

I think it's how people say it. A lot said to me 'it goes so fast, drink it all up' which I thought was sweet as I could see people being all nostalgic about their own children.

But 'don't wish his/her life away' feels quite negative. I was like you, six months felt like a bit of a safe point really. And it's easy to mourn them growing out of clothes and stopping being a tiny baby. Far better to look forward and be excited I think, of what's to come!

For what it's worth, I had no interest in toddlers when DD was a baby and didn't get them really. But now DD is a toddler I think they're way better than babies! DD is 2 and I'm like wow she's so much better than she was from 1-2..!

@Imsupertangirl I actually meant his nursery as in his bedroom at home (rather than in our room), but I don't think it's fair to judge anyone who does look forward to their little one going to nursery.

We really looked forward to DD starting nursery because we had no family help and it was the only way to get a break from the sheer relentlessness of having a baby. She started at 12 months and, with hindsight, I regret not putting her in for a half day a week from six weeks old as I think it would have made a huge difference to how we coped with the first year!

I can still remember vividly what it was like giving birth and having a newborn, which is partly why we haven't had another.

@CarmenBizet tbf I had really easy babies so it could be that. I struggled most when they were older toddlers/just starting school and I went to work. I have very fond memories of reading books whilst my babies led on their floor mat and played with their toes whilst making cute noises. But one's in the last year of school and the other in 6th form so it really could be my brain blocking it out! I'd love another one now 😂

Women of that age have maaaaaaajor rose-tinted glasses about the young kids stage; they've completely forgotten the challenges. My DM had six of us; since we all started reproducing she's been known to announce "none of you ever cried, really". (There are numerous family stories about how one of my siblings literally CRIED ALL THE TIME.) And when they looked after my 6-week-old overnight, the amount he cried (a very normal amount for a baby that age) panicked them. Despite having done it six times, they just had no memory of the reality of it.

In short: YANBU.