AIBU for not wanting to walk a different way to school

[Lowtidelooter]

My DS 5 and his best friend at school can be fairly silly together if they meet while walking to the school gates (which is most days).

They like to run ahead, be a bit noisy etc. I teach my son that this has to be within certain boundaries - not running where I can't see him/he can't see me, road safety, not annoying others etc., but he is free to have fun in the mornings.

However, DS' friend's mum shouts at DS for this behaviour, says comments really loudly for all to hear such as 'Don't start playing up just because HE'S here' etc. and has glared at me when they are being silly. She has convinced herself, I think, that my son is a bad influence and her son would be fine were they just kept separate. I know that this isn't true, but they do get excited around each other.

I have asked her what the issue is before and she just told me that she gets very stressed when her son is silly, and that she's not as 'patient' as me.

I did for a while change the way we walked to school so we could go in a different entrance or arrived later so we wouldn't meet, which worked but part of me feels I shouldn't have to do that.

What would you do?

Imagine being 5 and not being allowed to be silly for 5 minutes. It seems a shame.

I think I’d probably just accept she’s not keen for them to have a lot of interaction and steer DS towards different friends, if she’s like this now she may be a nightmare by the time they are 9, I saw a couple of strained situations develop when my DS was in school due to a similar (non) issue!

I think I would walk a different way and avoid them.

Go the different way and you and your son have a good start to the day. He can be silly with his friend in the playground.

Just keep going the way you go. She can vary her route or leave a couple of minutes early if it bothers her.

I’d probably lean more towards her view though - I’m happy for my kids to be as ridiculous as they like in parks etc but we walk to school on fairly busy pavements with driveways etc and cars going past quite close and I really don’t like messing around at that time - it inevitably gets in the way of other pedestrians, I worry they’ll fall into the path of a bike/car, they aren’t cautious around driveways etc so I want them fairly close to me… it’s just how I am. But I’d vary my route to avoid you rather than shouting at your child - that’s not on.

Actually I'm kind of with her

You say you have boundaries with him but he breaks them. So he's not listening to you

And actually they're not crazy strict rules. They're sensible ones. At that age my kids weren't to go where I couldn't see them. And road safety. You throw that in there like it's nothing!

I don't think she's blaming your son. More like realises when the two of them get together they get a bit giddy.

Nothing wrong with that at all. But if it causes them to put themselves in danger then yeah either make sure you son behaves or change your route.

Just to clarify: He doesn't break the boundaries I have set. He stays where I can see him even if wanting to run around a bit. He is not unsafe near the road, and doesn't get in anyone's way. He is just silly and spirited when he sees this particular friend.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, he doesn't break my boundaries. It's hers that he breaks e.g. he is silly, but not unsafe. I agree, mine are sensible rules and that's why I have them. It's the strictness of the other parent and her comments that I am talking about here - that's the issue that's making me feel I have to vary my route.

I’m of a different generation to you so might think differently about some things. When I was walking my children to school along a busy road, they had to hold my hand or the handle of my pushchair even if we were walking with friends. I would not allow any running ahead or giddy behaviour until we got to the school grounds when they could mess about.

So maybe the other mum wants to impose stricter road safety measures than you feel appropriate and gets annoyed when you child is allowed more freedom. In which case, she could consider changing her route I guess but could you not get your son to behave in a calmer way when you are together? A child on their own running ahead a little way might be safe but two children together could lead to accidents if they both get giddy, push each other, play fight etc. I’d be very nervous myself.

I would just tell her to let them be kids fgs sounds like the children are just letting off steam.

I'd do whatever made my life easier and less stressful.

Just to clarify, this is not around roads, but once we get to the school grounds where there are no cars and are just walking down to the gate or waiting for it to be opened.

Different parents have different boundaries. I would vary my routine if my DC behaved differently when another child was around rather than keep on at them. However if mine were the ones running ahead, I might say X's mummy likes him to walk by her so if you want to walk with him you need to stop running ahead

As long as
It's not dangerous I can't see the harm, although bloody irritating!

I don't see the issue. She doesn't want her son behaving like that and tells him to stop. You're fine with your son behaving like that. Neither is right or wrong. It's just different standards and boundaries. You don't need to change your route. She can go a different way if she feels like she is unable to control her child around yours.

If it's when you get to the school grounds then how would taking an entirely different route help? It seems like you're changing the narrative whenever it is pointed out that you might be unreasonable.

My child walks holding my hand. It doesn't matter what other kids are doing. She has plenty of time to play, walking along near roads to school isn't one of them. Running ahead in the grounds where it's always busy and she could get bumped or be in someone's way isn't one of them.

It sounds like the other parent is sick of your lack of boundaries and the influence your child is having on hers. From your posts she is justified.

Walk to school a bit earlier.

Is the other way adding a lot of time to your journey? If not I'd probably do it just so you and your son can walk to school without someone shouting/giving out the whole way.

So if we took a different route, we wouldn't approach the school from the same way and we would use a different entrance - I knew I would leave details out. Basically, if he's by a busy road he can't run ahead, but he can if he's not as long as I can see him. I do have boundaries, just not as strict as hers.

A comprise might be to teach your son that for the short walk to school he can't be "silly". He's 5 - he's got all day to do that to his hearts content. School at that age is just fun.

I can't envisage ever having let my 5YO mess about on the way to school - it's potentially dangerous. Roads, cars, other people trying to get somewhere...

Your silly is her badly behaved/unsafe.

Consider she might have a point? Just maybe?

If it was a safety issue, of course. But it is definitely the 'badly behaved/annoying' thing in this case. Obviously, we all have different tolerances for annoying. I would argue that going into school, when they see their friends for the first time, is their last little bit of play until play time. To clarify, it is the last bit where everyone is approaching the school and waiting in line, not on the way to school where it's roads, cars and general public.

She obviously has different standards. We haven’t seen the area and their behaviour so can’t be sure whose standards are “right”. You clearly think that yours are right which might be true might be not. You can carry on like this, change your approach a bit (@sweeneytoddsrazor actually put it very well ) or choose a different road to school. The choice is yours, whatever you are happy with. But we can’t tell you from the post who is right.

But it isn't really the only bit of play they get before playtime - I mean they are 5, not GCSE students. School at 5 is mostly play and a few mins beforehand is not going to have any impact on his day at all.

And as a PP said, if it's just the bit as they go into school, why do you need to change your whole route? Surely you'd converge at that point no matter what route you take?

If changing route is a faff then asking DS to behave for a few minutes is surely easier?

I don't know if she's right or you are but if I was the one feeling I had to walk a whole different way and being resentful/mildly irked about it, I'd look at plan b - ask DS to calm down just before he goes into school.

But I'm lazy.

The question was more: if another parent is very vocal about not agreeing with silliness, which is just that and not a safety issue, should I change my behaviour to avoid them or get on with it as if it’s her issue she can avoid us!

What is he actually doing that she is complaining about then?

You say he is just being a bit silly and spirited. If this doesn’t involve running ahead where he shouldn’t (you say this doesn’t happen) and he isn’t getting in anyone’s way, then what is he doing that is silly and spirited? do you have any examples as I can’t figure out why this mum is saying she doesn’t have as much patience as you, when all the kids are doing is walking along the road or running slightly ahead in the school grounds

This isn’t while we are walking along a road, it’s just the last bit of the walk to school where we meet. Being loud, not keeping up or running ahead, running in circles around us once we are standing and waiting for school to open, toilet humour, might pick something up off the ground they shouldn’t, start play fighting, that sort of thing. I’m fine to talk to my son quietly, she chooses to be vocal about it and blame my son loudly.