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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say enough is enough

27 replies

womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 21:55

I am at my wits end and term hasn’t even started! My DD is 14 and in a super selective school, very bright. She has never been happy there and there have been many instances of bullying. The pastoral care is rubbish and really they have done very little to help her.

Towards the end of last year she made a friend, this was a big deal as she had up until then spent most of the time alone. All seemed to be going well but then all of a sudden the girl told her that they were no longer friends as DD had been saying nasty things about her. This was absolutely untrue as DD didn’t ever speak to anyone else. At the time I suspected sabotage by a previous bully but this was dismissed by the school.

We have considered moving her but given that it is such a good school and she is so bright we have been reluctant.

DD has not seen anyone from school over the summer but does a fairly niche activity that began today. The former friend has randomly appeared at the activity in spite of not showing any prior interest at all or ever mentioning it.

DD was surprised and felt very odd and upset about it all. Obviously the girl is free to do whatever she wants but it all seems a bit strange and intrusive.

So 2 AIBU Mumsnet please. 1. AIBU to find this odd and a bit like stalking and 2. Should I say enough is enough and look for another school? Opinions gratefully received!

OP posts:
cansu · 06/09/2022 21:57

Your dd has never been happy there. Why does she need to stay?? If she is bright she will do well anywhere.

justasmalltownmum · 06/09/2022 21:58

Calling that stalking is bit of a stretch.

Tonysopranosghost · 06/09/2022 21:58

Change schools! Your poor daughter is miserable there.

Getoffmygrass · 06/09/2022 21:59

Honestly….even if it’s a good school I’d move her. There are other good schools around. Your poor dd sounds miserable. No one would stay in a really toxic work environment. If she’s bright, she’ll do well anywhere.

Hapoydayz · 06/09/2022 21:59

Change schools! Why are you making your daughter stay there?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 06/09/2022 22:02

What does your DD want? She's 14 I wouldn't be leaving it completely up to her, but I'd give her a voice in this. Bullying can cause long term damage to mental health and self esteem, is there some reason she needs to be at this school, does she need top grades for where she wants to go to university (if she does)? I'd be questioning the value of staying where she's bullied.

Hotandbothereds · 06/09/2022 22:04

The other girl is free to do whatever activity she likes.

Your daughter not being happy or supported in her school is a separate issue, does she want to move?

Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:04

Thanks all, I think you are probably right about the moving. The problem is she'd almost rather struggle on than go somewhere non selective. We've looked at a few local schools and she wasn't convinced by any of them. So the reluctance to move is also due to her. She also doesn't see why she should move from the best school locally.

In terms of the stalking I know it sounds mental but it's so niche and the girl only knew about it because DD mentioned. It is also absolutely miles away so I'm ready to be told iABU but just wanted to add this for context!

OP posts:
Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:06

Should also add that she has a very set idea of what she wants to do in the future and feels that her best chance of achieving it is at this school

OP posts:
Ganymedemoon · 06/09/2022 22:13

Well if she is happy to stay put in a school that will give her the education she feels she needs despite having no friends there and the pastoral care not been great, then she's kind of made her choice.

How has she coped though with bullying in the past? Is she happy at the school and wants to stay or would she prefer to be some where else that offers her the same level of education with better support?

I would want her to be moved but your later posts would make me reconsider that.

As for this other girl coming along, maybe after hearing about it am interest was sparked and she thought she'd try it? How niche is it? Any clues?

parietal · 06/09/2022 22:13

If your DD wants to stay, then let her. She sounds strong willed and right now (start of term) is not going to be an easy time to move

could the friend be wanting to get back in touch with DD? So this could be a positive?

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 22:13

Move schools, so long as your DD agrees given her age.

PopPopPopP · 06/09/2022 22:15

Just move schools. Asap!

(Re the stalking , you are being maybe a bit unreasonable... there may be an innocent explanation (in fact, I expect there is an innocent explanation))

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 06/09/2022 22:25

womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:06

Should also add that she has a very set idea of what she wants to do in the future and feels that her best chance of achieving it is at this school

That's definitely something to consider then. I know at 14 I would have stayed at a school in the same circumstances. That would depend though on how her mental health is going? Whether she can avoid the bullying by say going to the library or lunch time clubs, if the bullying is happening in class, if it's more exclusion that she can cope ok and so on. Can she get away from them at breaks, like read in library or lunch clubs? Is it the bullies actively coming after her or mostly exclusion? Things like this can be ignored by some people to some extent when focused on a goal. The goal is important but so is her mental health.

Are there truly no other options? School with extension programs or gifted streams? Would weekly boarding be an option? That could open up possibilities further afield.

She sees only the future she wants and can't understand the long term damage bullying can do, but we can't see how much she is effected by this. As the parent it's your job to think about and weigh it all up and decide what is best for her long term.

Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:26

If she could get a similar education in another school she would want to move but unfortunately there is not really anything that is commutable for us.

She deals with the bullying by withdrawing completely so it all becomes a bit of a vicious circle and I think people think she's stuck up.

Don't want to say what the activity is as might be outing but it is a very odd place to see anyone local as it's so far away. Perhaps stalking is extreme but it just felt odd. DD has always thought of it as a bit of a haven so felt very panicky.

OP posts:
K37529 · 06/09/2022 22:27

Don’t know how the encounter went but Maybe the other girl knew she would be there and went to try and fix the friendship? Have you spoken to the school about the bullying? I’m sorry your daughter is in this situation it must be so hard for yous both, I would find out how she would feel about changing schools before making any decisions, I changed schools twice through secondary school and both times found it so hard

Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:30

Luna she does do some clubs and that's helped a bit. Bullying is mainly in class. Some exclusion, some nasty comments.

We have looked at weekly boarding but she isn't keen to be away from home and I feel that she is fragile atm and needs home as an anchor.

I also wonder if she might have similar issues elsewhere. No school is perfect and girls can be so difficult at this age

OP posts:
Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:31

K37529 · 06/09/2022 22:27

Don’t know how the encounter went but Maybe the other girl knew she would be there and went to try and fix the friendship? Have you spoken to the school about the bullying? I’m sorry your daughter is in this situation it must be so hard for yous both, I would find out how she would feel about changing schools before making any decisions, I changed schools twice through secondary school and both times found it so hard

I wonder whether she was trying to fix things but then she ignored DD so I'm really not sure what is going on. Perhaps I should give the benefit of the doubt...

OP posts:
Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:33

I think changing might be hard for her at this stage too. School have made a couple of token attempts re bullying but are generally not keen on the use of that word in their perfect school it seems

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 06/09/2022 22:36

So it’s just good academically and completely shite in every other aspect?
Are you paying for this?

monkeysox · 06/09/2022 22:40

It's not a good school

StoneofDestiny · 06/09/2022 22:43

Is there a way forward here - they are both the same age at the same school and now both doing the same activity. If it is a place they both have to travel to, perhaps have a word with the other parent when you drop your daughter off, just general chit chat - 'I didn't know x was interested in this activity' and see where it goes. Maybe share lifts etc.........it might lead to a repair of friendship.

Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:45

GrazingSheep · 06/09/2022 22:36

So it’s just good academically and completely shite in every other aspect?
Are you paying for this?

Yes and yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 06/09/2022 22:46

StoneofDestiny · 06/09/2022 22:43

Is there a way forward here - they are both the same age at the same school and now both doing the same activity. If it is a place they both have to travel to, perhaps have a word with the other parent when you drop your daughter off, just general chit chat - 'I didn't know x was interested in this activity' and see where it goes. Maybe share lifts etc.........it might lead to a repair of friendship.

Maybe I need to try and look at it like that

OP posts:
PainPainGoAwayToday · 07/09/2022 09:01

I’d change schools if it were me but she gets a say, if she really thinks this school is the only one where she can achieve whatever career it is she wants then that’s up to her. It’s awful for her but maybe she feels like it’s worth it at this point.

As for the activity- most out of school clubs cost (a lot of!) money, take a parent to arrange at their age or definitely agree to at least, take up time, need a lift or public transport to get to… no child is doing that to stalk your child! And no parent is agreeing to it. Maybe your DD mentioning the activity made this girl want to go or maybe she’s missing the friendship/has realised she she wrong about your DD and wants to spend time with her outside of the (awful) school environment. She’s a child too, maybe she was shy or panicked when it came to actually taking to your daughter. Who knows? But I’m almost certain it’s nothing to do with stalking her! (That makes you sound slightly crazy, sorry)