Y6 daughter doesn't want to go to school - emailing teacher

[Jourdain11]

Background: DD1 has OCD and was diagnosed with diabetes last year, which has drastically worsened her anxieties around eating and food. She's just gone into Y6 and found school difficult last year, but seemed happier and more confident towards the end of the year.

DD is taking a packed lunch to school because it makes it easier to manage her food intake and her condition. She has very definite safe foods and I am probably over-reliant on them, but for me it's most important that she eats what she needs, stays healthy and isn't too stressed by food.

Both today and yesterday she's come home tearful and upset and saying that she doesn't want to go back. I did a bit of digging this evening and it seems some girls in her class have been making comments about her packed lunch and saying she must have an eating disorder because she won't eat what everyone else does. (She is not the only kid who has a packed lunch, incidentally.)

They also called her "psycho" and "crazy girl", she says she doesn't know why, but I suspect OCD playing up and causing some rituals.

I've asked her which girls and she won't tell me. I asked DD2 (who's a year below) and she reckons that it's 3 girls - 1 who was in the past friends with DD1. The other two were in a different class last year - they mixed the classes for Year 6 because there have been a lot of 'issues' in one of the classes.

I'm planning to email the teacher but, here's my AIBU, does it make sense to ask her to be keeping a general eye out and handling any nasty behaviour without naming names? I can't really name the three girls on DD2's say-so, especially since she's said herself that she isn't sure.

To make matters worse, the teacher is only there for 2 weeks (supply) and the class aren't going to have a permanent teacher till January. So I feel like it's going to be easy for things not to be picked up and I want to Tey and get this nipped in the bud. I'm worried about DD.

I think I would names names but explain that you can’t be sure. I agree it definitely needs dealing with straight away. I’d probably copy in the deputy head too, as the teacher is only there short term.

Bugger keeping an eye out and keeping their names out of it – they're bullying your daughter over her mental health condition and the school needs to get a handle on it asap. If they've mixed up the classes, is there an option to move your DD to the other one (especially if it has a permanent teacher)? Ask the school to explore all options for safeguarding your child while she's struggling with her eating and OCD, to prevent it escalating into a full-blown eating disorder. Don't take no for an answer.

Email the head / senco/ governors and copy in the teacher. Have higher standards - they should be all over this.

Stop pussyfooting about. Your DD is being bullied using disgusting hate speech about mental health conditions and because of her illness.

Send a very direct email to the class teacher AND the head citing this is bullying (use the word bullying) and saying you are not certain but have been told it may be x, y and z.

Say you want it investigating and addressing immediately as it is of the highest importance both that your DD feels safe to come to school for her education and that she eats her food in order to protect her health.

Ask them to tell you what steps they are going to take and thank them for their prompt attention.

This. I am a teacher and would appreciate having all of the Information that you have.

I could monitor the situation from there and pass on to any following staff.

You are your daughters advocate. Don't be hesitant!

I would rather she was in the other class. She really likes the teacher (he takes them for writing and she had him a few times for various writing and music things in Y5 too) and there would be more stability. But both classes are at 30, so I'm not hopeful of success.

I'm really upset about this, but I'm super worried about making it worse and the rest of her year being utterly awful as a result. Maybe I name the 3 girls but as in, asking the supply to keep an eye on their interactions with DD rather than asking her to speak with them? (For now.)

Good idea about cc'ing the deputy, thank you. Although DD is terrified of her!

I’m a teacher. DEFINITELY email in and let them know, this needs picked up on and dealt with by the school asap, your poor daughter should not have to endure this for even a second. It won’t matter if you name names or not, they will probably know the culprits!

Yeah I wouldn't hesitate about not saying names, just advise you've been told it's these 3 but obv can't be certain.

As there's been issues in classes previously I'm sure staff will be aware of who.

This is still too wishy washy a response. Stand up for your DD. Then, if those girls do continue to be nasty and it affects her badly, you can escalate. But you can't do that from a starting point of not wanting to make a big deal for fear of upsetting the bullies.

How could it be worse than your DD not wantingt o go to school and being bullied so badly?

If you want to move classes then suggest that. They can only say no. Do NOT mention this to your DD unless it is a confirmed possibility though.

I do not understand why you are so reticent - you are entotled to be furious and protective, you just can't shout or start a row with the parents etc.

Tell your DD this behaviour is unacceptable and you are going to speak to the school.

There were all sorts of issues with the other class last year and it got really nasty with allegations and the police and SS being involved. I'm not sure what went on because I'm not on any of the WhatsApp groups etc. But this is why the classes have been mixed.

It is bullying, isn't it? I feel that it's utterly vile, to be honest. But I get worried about slinging the 'b' word around because it gets so overused. I just want them to take it seriously and not dismiss it as, "Oh, sensitive child and precious mother."

I'd be furious if my kid was subjected to this, I'd have probably marched down and waited in reception. I am perfectly polite when speaking to teachers but I would not be mincing words.

Just to be clear, I am angry and very upset by this. But I'm not going to go in angry, and I'm also very conscious of how much nastier the situation could get if the situation is addressed in an inept way.

Sorry, your thinking is completely wrong. You are minimising massively, do you struggle to assert yourself generally?

It is very bad bullying.

Do you not feel angry on your DD's behalf? Anger is the correct response to your DD being bullied like this.

And bullying does not get overused IMO.

We x-posted.

You do not have to act angry (shouting etc.) but you can feel angry and you can use your anger.

How can if get 'nastier'? I do not agree that telling school can make it worse than a child not wanting to go to school.

Definitely email.

And be blunt.

Your dd is covered by the equality act and reasonable adjustments.

I'd be clearly stating it's a reasonable adjustment to ask for a child with ocd and diabetes to have a permanent member of staff who can support her to manage her health needs.

And I'd be adding that they have til the end of the week to stop these girls bullying her before you escalate it further.

I have a ds with some medical needs and he's also autistic and went in in too nicely at first. After he was destroyed by one schools lack of action after that I was always polite in emails but gave no room for not acting.

I always used phrases such as

"I look forward to your response within x amount of days as per y policy about what you will do to protect my dd (ds for me!) and protect his safeguard his mental health and well-being"

Given what you said happened in Y5 with the police and SS (!), I do think you're under-reacting. I'm not saying you should go in angrily shouting the odds but you seem more concerned with how the bullies will react than making sure your DD is protected. As a PP, your DD is now a school refuser because of these girls. How much worse does it need to get?

Make sure the school deals with it straight away.

But don't use the phrase "school refusing" because that implies your dd is making an active choice.

It is always "cannot attend/ is too unwell to attend due to anxiety because of bullying" or what ever reason.

I'm now thinking that I skip on emailing the teacher/deputy entirely and maybe just email the head. The head is good and reactive and I have more confidence that he'll deal with it appropriately.

I'm absolutely not concerned with protecting these 3 girls but I do genuinely feel that going in wrong with this could make things worse. I don't have massive confidence in this teacher, going from a few things that DD has said.

She's refused me to tell the names because she thinks telling on them will make them worse. I only have my suspicions and DD2's say-so to go on.

What has your DD said about the teacher? Yes you can email the head if you prefer. Just use the word bullying and do not tiptoe around how appalling this is.

If you want this addressed, you need to get your dd to tell you who is involved. The teacher needs to speak to the right people and she needs to know what was said exactly and when.

If you don't do this, then any general looking after her or being aware is not likely to stop any mean behaviour. Your dd2 guessing who it might be will also not be OK.

If you ask the head to deal with it, he will still need the names of the children involved and the school will have to investigate exactly what was said and when. He may also refer it to the teacher in any case.

I got bullied in year 7, at the time I was adamant I didn't want my mum to mention names to school but to say look she's having trouble etc.
Anyway, my mum told the school the names. And it ended.

No further issues at all.

Then girls need a shock to the system and to know it's bullying and not allowed.

School will know who these girls are. Name names.
call the head: “my child is being bullied and is now so anxious she cannot attend school. How are you going to protect my child?”

don’t mess about. They know it’s happening and they know who is doing it already. They have a responsibility to keep your child safe - from psychological violence as well as physical