Y6 daughter doesn't want to go to school - emailing teacher

[Jourdain11]

Background: DD1 has OCD and was diagnosed with diabetes last year, which has drastically worsened her anxieties around eating and food. She's just gone into Y6 and found school difficult last year, but seemed happier and more confident towards the end of the year.

DD is taking a packed lunch to school because it makes it easier to manage her food intake and her condition. She has very definite safe foods and I am probably over-reliant on them, but for me it's most important that she eats what she needs, stays healthy and isn't too stressed by food.

Both today and yesterday she's come home tearful and upset and saying that she doesn't want to go back. I did a bit of digging this evening and it seems some girls in her class have been making comments about her packed lunch and saying she must have an eating disorder because she won't eat what everyone else does. (She is not the only kid who has a packed lunch, incidentally.)

They also called her "psycho" and "crazy girl", she says she doesn't know why, but I suspect OCD playing up and causing some rituals.

I've asked her which girls and she won't tell me. I asked DD2 (who's a year below) and she reckons that it's 3 girls - 1 who was in the past friends with DD1. The other two were in a different class last year - they mixed the classes for Year 6 because there have been a lot of 'issues' in one of the classes.

I'm planning to email the teacher but, here's my AIBU, does it make sense to ask her to be keeping a general eye out and handling any nasty behaviour without naming names? I can't really name the three girls on DD2's say-so, especially since she's said herself that she isn't sure.

To make matters worse, the teacher is only there for 2 weeks (supply) and the class aren't going to have a permanent teacher till January. So I feel like it's going to be easy for things not to be picked up and I want to Tey and get this nipped in the bud. I'm worried about DD.

Your poor DD yes go to the head it is bullying ,
the impact this could have on her both mentally and with her T1 is very significant.
what if she doesn’t eat her lunch as these horrible girls are bullying her she has too much insulin as won’t be eating the right amount of carbs worked out for her lunch can be very dangerous also, with T1 you have to be careful they don’t get issues with food long term.
insist your DD is moved to the other class she needs a constant safe member of staff to monitor and support her this is a reasonable adjustment .

we had similar issues the school took it very seriously

They have another supply the week after next, but they're only doing up till half term. Then - who knows? till Christmas. In January they're getting their permanent teacher.

I'd much rather she was in the other class - there are some kids (boys and girls) who she is very comfortable with. It's hard when they're in separate classes because they're not seeming to mix a lot. Given last year's issues, mixing may be actively discouraged!

My main concern is for DD to feel comfortable going to school and that she eats her lunch and snack so that her health isn't jeopardised. I'm constantly worrying over her eating because it's so restrictive, but I realise why it's causing her a lot of anxiety. On occasions when we've experimented she's ended up having hypos and the dizzy/faint/sick feeling really freaks her out. We're still very much learning how to manage it healthily, but it really doesn't help if people making mean, nasty comments which make her feel self-conscious.

She was exhausted and fell asleep at 7ish, so I'm not going to quiz her on it again tonight, unless she wants to talk about it when she wakes.

When I said I was not too confident of the teacher, just that DD1 said the class was really noisy and it stressed her out. They seemed to spend most of the day doing a quiz yesterday, which DD2's class also did and took only half an hour to do. They're not going to be the easiest class for sure and I don't envy the supply! But I didn't get the sense she was particularly on it.

I don't think you are being assertive enough. The way to deal with this is assertively - you have to demand action, not that they vaguely keep an eye on it. You act to protect your daughter. This won't go away without the school taking a proactive approach. They need names to do this in whatever way it comes- you share what you've been told.
A child with disabilities being bullied is a big deal- the senior leadership should be leading on it. Please demand better for your child.

This. Absolutely name names & ask for any updates in writing. This is not ok!!! You tell them who you think it is, let them take it further and find out. Could your DD come home for lunch a couple of days a week? Or sit elsewhere with others depending on how they organise lunchtimes?? I’d insist the school help her through the day and nip this in the bud. Xx

You’re overthinking and putting too much emphasis on what you think the school should hear. Just be honest and factual like you have been here. At this point, you have no reason to believe that they won’t take it seriously. Email the office for the attention of the head, head of year and the class teacher. It would be rude to go directly to the head without including the teacher who is actually dealing with the children involved.

Your dd has a lot going on with the T1 diagnosis, if her diet is getting very restricted, have you been able to speak to a dietician? The Diabetes UK website also has good ideas (my brother has been T1 since this age and is now late 50's)
Regarding the bullying, be very clear with the head that it is bullying and ask clearly in writing for your DD to be moved classes. They can say no, but the dynamics of the other class are not your concern. The bullying has to stop and your DD has a protected characteristic which means she needs the stability of a named adult that she can share her worries with, not horrible girls making her life miserable.

Talk to the Senco too. If you're lucky the school may also have access to a mental health service which can support your daughter with the anxious thoughts she has about eating etc.

And follow up with the year head about bullying behaviours, when this will be tackled and what systems they will put in place to continue to monitor and keep the situation under control..

You are her best advocate so make your voice known.

Give the school everything but make it clear that dd doesn't want to name the girls.

I completely understand - my ds is T1 (diagnosed 2 weeks after his 5th birthday).

He developed OCD around food too. He saw the dietician and the psychologist via the hospital and - after completely falling apart in year 6 - was referred to CAHMS.

Happily, he is now 15 and been on sertraline for the last three years. He still needs lots of support but he is happy, confident, has good friends and is very good academically.

A T1 diagnosis is such a horrible shock and so many people are ignorant. DS' primary school classmates used to ask him if he had eaten too make unhealthy foods which drove him wild.

Thank you for this and I'm so happy that your son is doing well now. DD's T1 diagnosis came in Y5 and it was a big shock. She's definitely very anxious about food and I feel that another appointment with the dietician might be helpful, but with her current meals she's at least getting what she needs and I'm reluctant to put too much pressure on her for the moment.

For her lunch today she had a wholewheat wrap with cream cheese and salad leaves, houmous chips, an apple and a small fruit smoothie. I think it's a pretty normal packed lunch to be honest!

Straight to the headteacher op.

I drafted an email to the Head which I want to send first thing in the morning. People were saying it's rude not to email the class teacher first but I feel that she's only there till the end of next week and has known DD for literally two school days - is there much point?

I don't have Any advice but just feel for your poor daughter. OCD is terrible ♥

No, no point cc-ing her in, but maybe put a line in the letter to say you're coming to the Head directly because the supply is leaving next week and this needs a consistent approach. As an aside, I think it's staggering they haven't booked the same supply to stay between now and Jan. Very poor planning on the school's part.

I agree, actually, but I think they did try! I feel like the class has massively drawn the short straw. The other class has a really good teacher!

Maybe the supply teacher has identified it is not a school they want to stay in? Whatever the backstory involving SS etc. it all sounds very unpleasant.

They were only ever supposed to be staying 2 weeks and I doubt they're aware of the backstory (at least not all of it!). The long-term supply coming the week after next was supposed to stay till Christmas but can now only do up to h/t.

The head replied and asked if we can meet tomorrow. He assures me that he's spoken with the class teacher and spoke with the class generally, since there have been other problems too in DD1's class. DD1 very tearful and says she feels sick and her stomach hurts, but I can't tell if sth else happened or she's just suffering accumulated stress.