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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say we are struggling

45 replies

Callmepale · 05/09/2022 18:22

My partner and I both work full time and have a yearly salary of around
£44000 between us before tax.

We put our DS in nursery for 4 days a week which with TF allowance comes to just over £700 a month. My MIL suggested putting him in nursery full time recently as we sometimes have difficulty getting that day covered between grandparents. She said ' it's not like you can't afford it'.

I didn't say anything but 4 days really stretches us! Would you agree with my MIL that this is feasible?

OP posts:

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 05/09/2022 18:25

Sounds like it would be tight.

notdaddycool · 05/09/2022 18:27

We did 4 days with the Friday covered by my mum. If she couldn’t come we used the bubble app for the odd one off day. By the 5th day effectively all your tax free childcare is probably used up too. Some nursery’s can do advice days too. £44k may seem a lot to her, but build in inflation and cost of living its very little.

Ponderingwindow · 05/09/2022 18:33

I would agree with your MIL that it is not the grandparent’s responsibility to keep providing you with a free day of childcare. Her assessment of afford may simply be that you would not be destitute or homeless from funding your own child care. not that your budget would be in any way comfortable.

OperaStation · 05/09/2022 18:34

She’s being ridiculous. £44k combined salary for two full time working parents is not very much at all. Why does she think you have spare cash? Does she think you earn more than you do?

Namechanger965 · 05/09/2022 18:35

It’s not unreasonable to be struggling to afford childcare costs, it’s like having a second mortgage and I don’t think people without young children always realise the cost.

but My MIL suggested putting him in nursery full time recently as we sometimes have difficulty getting that day covered between grandparents. She said ' it's not like you can't afford it'

It sounds like she doesn’t want to do childcare for your child, and that’s perfectly reasonable to. Even if she offered before the reality of having to be available every week/other week can too much. You need to come up with a new plan, look at childminders which are cheaper.

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 05/09/2022 18:37

She thinks you can afford childcare.

You think she can afford to keep minding your child.

Regardless of whether you think about what she said, she holds all the cards so you and your husband need to either drop a day in work, or you need a fifth day of paid childcare.

rnsaslkih · 05/09/2022 18:38

Just reply that actually the 4 days really is very expensive and you are pushed to even afford that.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2022 18:39

I would read that as she no longer wants to provide free childcare for you. And, unfortunately, tight or not, that's your responsibility, not hers.

shazzybazzy34 · 05/09/2022 18:52

She wants out. Can't blame her really. It would be really bad to guilt her into doing it by saying you cannot afford it. You need to make some changes and get the fifth day sorted.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2022 18:59

She's telling you that she doesn't want to do childcare. It won't just be for now, it'll have to continue through the school summer holidays until teenage years. I don't have a life because I have to do childcare for my DD, she absolutely can't afford to pay. I feel really burned out at times. How many grandparents are there to split the childcare amongst? You might have to go through your spending and find the money.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2022 19:01

rnsaslkih · 05/09/2022 18:38

Just reply that actually the 4 days really is very expensive and you are pushed to even afford that.

Unless those who provide childcare was consulted pre conception and pledged that support, then it isn't their concern.

neverbeenskiing · 05/09/2022 19:04

She's trying to tell you she doesn't want to provide regular childcare. Whether or not an extra day in nursery is feasible, I'm afraid you will have to come up with a solution that doesn't involve MIL as it doesn't sound like she's going to be a long term option.

caringcarer · 05/09/2022 19:12

Does she know that 4 days already costs £700. Have you got long before your DC goes to preschool?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2022 19:13

I don’t think she wants to cover that day any more and I really don’t think you should try to make her.

I can understand you can’t afford the other day but at the same time gps don’t have to do childcare.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2022 19:14

How often does she cover Fridays? Did you realise she was finding it too much? I expect that’s what she’s saying. Can the other GPs help more instead?

NoSquirrels · 05/09/2022 19:17

£44K combined is not a large salary and of course you can’t easily afford it.

But it’s no one else’s responsibility to cover that 5th weekday apart from you and your DP.

MIL doesn’t want to do regular free childcare for you.

So you need to talk to your employers about flexing your hours/days or cost what dropping a day each a fortnight would do etc.

Butchyrestingface · 05/09/2022 19:18

I didn't say anything but 4 days really stretches us! Would you agree with my MIL that this is feasible?

Doesn't really matter whether it's financially feasible or not (I agree, sounds tight). Your MiL sounds as if she doesn't want to be relied on for childcare anymore, so you need to find another solution.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 19:22

I would talk to her, properly. Say that you understand if she no longer feels she wants to have DGC and you will make other arrangements. If she still wants to, but not as often etc or more flexibility then talk to the other GP's and ask them honestly if they still want to have DC on the day they've been covering. Work things through with how many of them/how many days per month/ and see where that leaves you.

the 5th day could be an entirely different arrangement, not just another day in nursery.

SunnyD44 · 05/09/2022 19:35

Obviously it depends on how much your rent/mortgage is but you’re getting at least £3000 a month, so you’ve still got at least £2300 after nursery fees.

If your rent/mortgage is £1000 per month then you’ve still got over £1000 for other bills and food etc which is more than enough.

Is she getting annoyed that you keep asking her to babysit I wonder.

Cruisebabe1 · 05/09/2022 19:49

It’s obvious she doesn’t want to help. My mother was like this regarding her grandchildren, as she got older she was a very lonely woman. I know she does HAVE to offer help but the “ it’s not like you can’t afford it” comment is pretty unhelpful.

RagingWoke · 05/09/2022 19:53

You say it can be a struggle to get that 5th day covered, is that because all GPs are reluctant to have DC?

I'd take the comment from MIL as she doesn't want to help out anymore but you need to have a proper conversation with all of the GPs and anyone else who cares for your dc regularly about whether they can/want to continue.

Have you considered condensing hours so either you or your dp have that day off as an alternative to an extra day at nursery?

SunnyD44 · 05/09/2022 19:58

Have you looked into how much worse/better off you’d be if you both or one of you worked PT so you’ll need little or no childcare?

I know many couples can’t justify the nursery costs especially if they’re on NMW so they stay home or just go PT.

Dreamwhisper · 05/09/2022 19:59

Oh dear that sounds really hard, having to suddenly come up with a couple hundred extra pounds a month right now is not what anyone needs!

How old is your DC, are they close to getting their universal free hours? This would cover the extra day and reduce your existing costs a bit too. Any chance of negotiating with the grandparents and saying that it's x amount of time until DC gets their free hours and we would be really grateful if you could continue the arrangement until then?

If not I would be really honest with work and see if it's at all possible to flex your arrangements to cover this, again until the free hours kick in.

I'm only in my 20s but I can't imagine letting my children struggle in times like these unless I really couldn't cope.

Dreamwhisper · 05/09/2022 20:01

And yes unfortunately a legitimate option is for one or both of you to go part time, or one of you to give up work and claim UC.

Times are hard for dreamers , you can't let anyone else's (or your own?) ideology result in your DC suffering or living in poverty for the sake of both being in FT work. There are pit falls to this long term but people are truly struggling right now and need to survive.

nutellachurro · 05/09/2022 20:08

Definitely not

We can barely manage on 3x your salary with full time child care

So your MIL is chatting shite

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